THE  LIBRARY  OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINA 


THE  COLLECTION  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINIANA 

ENDOWED  BY 

JOHN  SPRUNT  HILL 

CLASS  OF  1889 


CB 

J66L3 


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"Swing  IN 
Round  the  Cirkle." 


BY 


PETROLEUM  V.  NASBW 

LATE    PASTOR    OF    THE     CHVRCH    OF    THE     NEW    DISPENSATION, 

CHAPLAIN    TO    HIS    EXCELLENCY    THE    PRESIDENT,  AND 

P.   M,  AT    CONFEDERATE    X   ROADS,   KENTUCKY. 

ins     IDEAS     OF 

Men,  Politics,  and  Things, 


AS     SET     FORTH     IN     HIS     LETTERS     TO     THE     PITBLIC 
PRESS,    DURING    THE    YEAR    1 866. 


Illustrated  by  TJio77ias  JVast. 


BOSTON: 
LEE     AND     SHEPARD. 

1S67. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1866,  by 

LEE    AND    SIIEPARD, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


STEREOTYPED  AT   THE 
BOSTON     STEREOTYPE     POCNDRT. 

l^  Spring  Lane. 


DEDIKASHUN  UV  THIS  BOOK. 


TO 

ANDROO   JOHNSON, 
The   Pride   and   Hope  uv   Dimocrisy, 

Who  hez  bin  Alderman  uv  his  native  village, 

Guvner  uv  his  State, 

Member  uv  the  lower  house  uv  Congress, 

And   likewise  uv  the  Senit, 

Vice  President  and  President,  and  might  hev  bin  Diktater, 

But  who  is,  nevertheless,  a  Humble  Individooal ; 

Who  hez  swung  around  the  entire  cirkle  uv  offishl 

honor,  withovit  feelin  his  Oats  much; 

The  first  public  man  who  considered  my 

services  worth  payin  for; 

AND    TO 

ALEX.     W.     RANDALL, 

Postmaster  Genral, 

His  most  devoted  Servant, 
Whose  autograph  adorns  my  Commishn  ez  Postmaster, 

This  Volume 

Is  Respectfully  Dedikated. 


CONTENTS. 


Paob 
Prefis,  or  Interductry  Chapter, 7 


I.  —  After  the  New  Jersey  Election,    ...  13 

II.  —  CoiSrVERSES  WITH  GENERAL  McStINGER,  .       .  I9 

III.  —  A  Remarkable  Dream, 27 

IV. — A  Change  of  Base  —  Kentucky,  •     •     •     •  33 

V. — Abolition  in  Kentucky, 41 

VI.  — A  Conversation  with  a  Kentuckian,    .     .  47 

VII.  —  A  Vision  —  Spirit  of  Andrew  Jackson,      .  53 

VIII.  — A  Plan  for  Up-building  the  Democracy,  60 

IX.  —  A  Vision  of  the  Next  World,     ....  66 

X.  —  A  Sonnet, 73 

XI.  —  The  Situation  —  The  Democracy  Warned,  74 

XII.  —  The  President's  22D  of  February  Speech,  79 

XIII. —A  Warning, 87 

XIV.  —  Refuses  to  Support  the  President,  .     .  92 

XV. — The  Patriarchal  System, 98 

XVI. — A  Dream, 105 

XVII.  —  A  Kentucky  Tea  Party, 112 

(5) 


6  Contents. 

Page 

XVIII.  —  A  Cry  of  Exultation, 120 

XIX.  —  A  Wail  of  Anguish, 127 

XX.  —  Mournful  View  of  the  Situation,  .  133 

XXI. —  A  Psalm  of  Gladness, 138 

XXII.  —  A  Discourse  upon  the  Nigger,      .     .  143 

XXIII.  —  Workings  of  the  Freedmen's  Bureau,  150 

XXIV.  —  Presides  at  a  Church  Trial,    ...  158 
XXV. — Meeting  to  Indorse  Gen.  Rosseau,  164 

XXVI. —Preaches— The  "Prodigal  Son,"       .  170 

XXVII.— A  Pleasant  Dream, 177 

XXVIII.  — The  Reward  of  Virtue, 187 

XXIX.  —  The  Convocation  at  Philadelphia,  .  196 

XXX. —  The  Great  Presidential  Excursion,  205 

XXXI. —The  Presidential  Tour  Continued,  .  214 

XXXII. — End  of  the  Presidential  Tour,    .     .  222 

XXXIII.  — At  Home  Again, 229 

XXXIV. —The  Cleveland  Convention,      .     .    .  237 

XXXV.  —  An  Appeal  to  the  People,    ....  246 

XXXVI.— The  October  Elections, 254 

XXXVII.  —  Mr.  Nasby's  Opinion  on  the  Cause  of 

the  President's  Defeat,    ....  261 

XXXVIII.  —  Andrew  Johnson  President  or  King  ?  269 

XXXIX.  — A  Cabinet  Meeting, 276 

XL.  —  Sermon  on  the  November  Elections,  284 

XLI.  —  A  Few  Last  Words, 291 


PREFIS, 

OR 

INTERDUCTRY    CHAPTER. 


THERE  is  a  vacancy  in  the  mind  uv  the  public 
for  jist  sich  a  book  ez  this,  else  it  had  never  bin 
published.  There  is  a  vacancy  in  my  pockit  for  the 
money  I  am  to  reseeve  ez  copy-rite,  else  I  hed  never 
slung  together,  in  consecootive  shape,  the  ijees  wich 
I  hev  from  time  to  time  flung  out  thro  the  public 
press,  for  the  enlitenment  uv  an  ongrateful  public 
and  the  guidance  uv  an  obtoose  Dimocracy. 

I  didn't  put  tliese  thots  uv  mine  upon  paper  for 
amoozement.  There  hezn't  bin  anythin  amoozin  in 
Dimocrisy  for  the  past  five  years,  and  the  standard- 
bearers,  the  captins  uv  fifties  and  hundreds,  the 
leaders  uv  the  hosts,  hev  hed  a  ruther  rough  time  uv 
it.  Our  prominence  made  us  uncomfortable,  for  we 
hev  bin  the  mark  uv  every  writer,  every  orator,  ez 

(7) 


8  Prefis,  or 

well  ez  uv  every  egg-thrower,  in  the  country.  When 
that  gileless  patriot,  Jeems  Bookannon,  retired  to  pri- 
vate life,  regretted  by  all  who  held  office  under  him, 
Dimocracy  felt  that  she  wuz  entrin  upon  a  period  uv 
darknis  and  gloom.  The  effort  our  Suthern  brethrin 
made  for  their  rites,  rendered  the  position  uv  us 
Northern  Dimocrats  eggstremely  precarious.  We 
coodent  go  back  on  our  friends  South,  for,  knowin 
that  peace  must  come,  and  that  when  it  did  come  we 
wood  hev  to,  ez  in  the  olden  time,  look  to  them  for 
support  and  maintenance,  it  behooved  us  to  keep  on 
their  good  side.  This  wood  hev  bin  easy  enuff,  but 
alars !  there  are  laws  agin  treason,  and  tsvo-thirds 
uv  the  misguided  people  north  hed  got  into  a  way 
uv  thinkin  that  the  Dimocrasy  South  had  committed 
that  crime,  and  they  intimated  that  ef  we  overstepped 
the  line  that  divides  loyalty  from  treason  by  so  much 
ez  the  millionth  part  uv  a  hair,  they'd  make  us  suffer 
the  penalty  they  hoped  to  mete  out  to  them,  but 
wich,  owin  to  Johnson,  they  dident,  and  wat's  more, 
can't.     Halleloogy ! 

But  I  anticipate.  Twict  I  wuz  drafted  into  a  ser- 
vice I  detested  —  twict  I  wuz  torn  from  the  buzzum 
uv  my  family,  wich  I  ^^■uz  gittin  along  well  enough, 
even  cf  the  wife  uv  my  buzzum  wood  occasionally 
git  obstinit,   and    refooze   to   give   me  sich  washin 


InTERDUCTRY    CmVPTER.  9 

money  ez  wuz  nessary  to  my  existence,  preferrin  to 
squander  it  upon  bread  and  clothes  for  the  children, 
—  twict,  I  say,  I  wuz  pulled  into  the  scnis,  and  twict 
I  wuz  forced  to  desert  to  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  south, 
rather  than  lite  agin  em.  When  linally  the  thumb 
uv  my  left  hand  wuz  acksidentally  shot  ofl:*,  owin  to 
my  foot  becomin  entangled  into  the  lock  uv  my  gun, 
wich  thumb  wuz  also  accidentally  across  the  i:ftuzzle 
thereof,  and  I  wuz  no  longer  liable  to  military  dooty 
and  cood  bid  Provost  Alarshels  defiance,  I  only 
steered  clear  uv  Scylla  to  go  bumpin  onto  Charybdis. 
I  coodent  let  Dimocrisy  alone,  and  the  eggins  —  the 
ridin  upon  rails  —  the  takin  uv  the  oath  —  but  why 
shood  I  harrow  up  the  public  buzzum?  I  stood  it 
all  till  one  nite  I  waiz  pulled  out  uv  bed,  compelled 
to  kneel  onto  my  bare  knees  in  the  cold  snow,  the 
extremity  uv  my  under  garment,  wich  modesty  for- 
bids me  to  menshun  the  name  uv  it,  fluttrin  in  a 
Janooary  wind,  and  by  a  crowd  uv  laffin  soljers 
compelled  to  take  the  oath  and  drink  a  pint  uv  raw, 
undilooted  water  !  That  feather  broke  the  back  uv 
the  camel.  The  oath  give  me  inflamashen  uv  the 
brane  and  the  water  inflamashen  uv  the  stumick, 
and  for  six  long  weeks  I  lay,  a  wTCck  uv  my  former 
self.  Ez  I  arose  from  that  bed  and  saw  in  a  glass 
the  remains  uv  my  pensive  beauty,  I  vowed  to  wage 


lo  Prefis,  or 

a  unceasm^var  on  the  party  wich  caused  sich  havoc, 
and  I  hev  kept  my  oath. 

I  hev  bin  in  the  Aposscl  biznis  more  extensively 
than  any  man  scnce  the  time  uv  Paul,  First  I 
established  a  church  uv  Democrats  in  a  little  oasis  I 
diskivered  in  the  ablishn  state  uv  Ohio,  to  wit,  at 
Wingert's  Corners,  where  ther  wuz  four  groceries, 
but  nary  church  or  skool-house  within  four  miles, 
and  whose  j^op^^^'ishen  wuz  unanimously  Dimo- 
cratic,  the  grocery  keepers  hevin  mortgages  on  all 
the  land  around  em  —  but  alars  !  I  wuz  forced  to 
leeve  it  after  the  election  of  Linkin  in  1S64.  Noo 
Gersey  bein  the  only  state  North  wich  wuz  on- 
squelched,  to  her  I  fled,  and  at  Saint's  Rest  (wich  is 
in  Noo  Gersey)  I  erected  another  tabernacle.  There 
I  stayed,  and  et  and  drank  and  wuz  merr}^,  but 
Ablishnism  pursood  me  thither,  and  in  the  fall  uv 
'6^  that  state  got  ornery  and  cussid,  and  went 
Ablishn,  and  agin,  like  the  wandrin  Jew,  I  wuz 
forced  to  pull  up,  and  wend  my  weary  w^ay  to  Ken- 
tucky, where,  at  Confedrit  X  Roads,  I  feel  that  I 
am  safe.  Massychoosets  ideas  can't  penetrate  us 
here.  The  aristocracy  bleeve  in  freedom  uv  speech, 
but  they  desire  to  exercise  a  supcn^ision  over  it,  that 
they  may  not  be  led  astray.  They  bleeve  they'r 
rite,  and  for  fear  they'd  be  forced  to  change  their 


Interductry  Chapter.  ii 

minds,  whenever  they  git  into  argument  with  any- 
body, ef  the  individooal  gits  the  better  uv  them,  they 
to-wunst  shoot  him  ez  a  disturber.  Hence  Massy- 
choosits  can't  disturb  us  here ;  the  populashen  is 
unanimously  Democratic,  and  bids  fair  to  contin- 
yoo  so. 

Here  I  hope  to  spend  the  few  remainin  3'ears  uv  a 
eventful  life.  Here  in  the  enjoyment  uv  that  end  uv 
the  hopes  uv  all  Democrats,  a  Post  Offis,  with  four 
well-regulated  groceries  within  a  stun's  throw,  and 
a  distillery  ornamentin  the  landscape  only  a  quarter 
uv  a  mile  from  where  I  rite  these  lines,  with  the 
ruins  uv  a  burnt  nigger  school  house  within  site  uv 
my  winder,  from  wich  rises  the  odor,  grateful  to  a 
Democratic  nostril,  and  wich  he  kin  snuff  afar  off, 
and  say  ha !  ha  !  to,  uv  a  half  dozen  niggers  wich 
wuz  consumed  when  it  wuz  burned,  wat  inorc  Lin  I 
want?  I  feel  that  I  am  more  than  repaid  for  all  my 
suffrins,  and  that  I  shel  sale  smoothly  down  tlie 
stream  uv  time,  unvcxed  and  happy. 

It  is  proper  to  state  that  the  papers  uv  which  this 
volume  is  composed  avuz  Vv^^itten  at  various  times 
and  under  various  circumstances.  They  reflect  the 
mind  uv  the  author  doorin'a  most  eventful  year  in 
his  history,  and  mark  the  condition  uv  the  Dimocrisy 
from  week  to  week.     Consekently  they  shift  from 


12  Prefis. 

grave  to  gay,  from  lively  to  severe,  with  much  alac- 
rity, the  grate  party  seemin  at  times  to  be  lifted  onto 
the  top  wave  uv  success,  and  at  other  times  bein 
down  in  the  trough  uv  despondency  and  despair. 

I  mite  say  more,  but  wherefore?  Ez  the  record 
uv  a  year  uv  hopes  and  fears,  uv  exaltation  and 
depression,  it  may  possess  interest  or  may  not  — 
'cordin  to  the  st}de  uv  the  reader.  Whatever  may 
be  its  fate,  one  thing  I  am  certin  uv,  to  wit :  I  am  a 
reglerly  commissioned  P.  M. ;  and  while  the  ap- 
proval of  the  public  mite  lighten  the  toils  uv  offishl 
life  and  sweeten  the  whisky  wich  the  salary 
purchases,  the  frowns  uv  the  said  public  can't  re- 
doose  me  to  the  walks  uv  private  life.  They  can't 
frown  me  out  uv  offis,  nor  frown  P.  M.  General 
Randall's  name  off  my  commishn. 


p.    V.    N. 


Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X  Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Ken- 
tucky), Oct.  1,  1866. 


SWINGIN   ROUND  THE  CIRKLE. 


a 


'i 


I. 

After  tJie  New  Jersey  Election^  1865. 

Saint's  Rest 
(wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Noo  Gersey)> 
November,  9,  1865. 

NEVER  wuz  I  in  so  pleasant  a  frame  uv  mind  as 
last  night.  All  wuz  peace  with  me,  for  after 
bein  buffeted  about  the  world  for  three  skore  years,  at 
last  it  seemed  to  me  ez  tho  forchune,  tired  uv  perse- 
kootin  a  unforchnit  bein,  hed  taken  me  into  favor. 
I  hed  a  solemn  promise  from  the  Demekratic  State 
Central  Committy  in  the  great  State  uv  Noo  Gerscy, 
that  ez  soon  ez  our  candidate  for  Governor  wuz 
dooly  elected,  I  shood  hev  the  position  uv  Dore- 
keeper  to  the  House  uv  the  Lord  (wich  in  this  State 
means  the  Capital,  &  wich  is  certainly  better  than 
dwellin  in  the  tents  uv  wicked  grosery  keepers,  on 
tick,  ez  I  do),  and   a  joodishus  exhibition  uv  this 

(13) 


14  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

promise  hed  prokoored  for  me  unlimited  facilities 
for  borrerin,  wich  I  improved,  muchly. 

On  Wednesday  nite  I  wuz  a  sittin  in  my  room,  a 
enjoyin  the  pleasin  reflection  that  in  a  few  days  I 
should  be  placed  above  want  &  beyond  the  contin- 
gencies uv  fortune.  Wood  !  oh  wood  !  that  I  hed 
died  then  and  there,  before  that  dream  ov  bliss  wuz 
roodly  broken.  A  wicked  boy  cum  runnin  past 
with  a  paper  wich  he  hed  brot  from  the  next  town 
where  there  lives  a  man  who  takes  one.  He  flung 
it  thro  the  w^indow  to  me  and  past  on.  I  opened  it 
eagerly,  and  glanced  at  the  hed  lines  ! 

"  Noo  Gersey  —  5,000  Republikin  ! " 

One  long  and  piercin  shreek  wuz  heard  thro  that 
house,  and  wen  the  inmates  rushed  into  the  room 
they  found  me  inanymate  on  the  floor.  The  fatal 
paper  lay  near  me,  explainin  the  cause  uv  the  catas- 
trophe. The  kind-hearted  landlord,  after  feelin  uv 
my  pockets  and  diskiverin  that  the  contents  thereof 
wood  not  pay  the  arrearages  uv  board,  held  a  hur- 
ried consultation  with  his  wife  as  to  the  propriety 
uv  bringin  me  to  ;  he  insisting  that  it  wuz  the  only 
chance  uv  gittin  what  wuz  back  —  she  insistin  that 
cf  I  was  brung  to  I'd  go  on  runnin  ujd  the  bill,  big- 
ger and  bigger,  and  never  pay  at  last.     While  they 


After  the  New  Jersey  Election,  1865.     15 

was  argooin  the  matter,  pro  and  con,  I  happened  to 
git  a  good  smell  uv  his  breath,  wich  restored  me  to 
consciousniss  to-wunst,  without  further  assistance. 

When  in  trouble  my  poetic  sole  alluz  finds  vent 
in  song.  Did  ever  poet  who  delitcd  in  tombs,  and 
dark,  rollin  streams,  and  consumption,  and  blighted 
hopes,  and  decay,  and  sich  themes,  ever  hev  such  a 
pick  of  subjects  ez  I  hev  at  this  time  ?  The  follerin 
may  be  a  consolation  to  the  few  Dimokrats  uv  the 
North  who  have  gone  so  far  into  copperheadism 
that  they  can't  change  their  base :  — 

A  Wale  ! 

In  the  mornin  we  go  forth  rejoicin  in  our  strength 
—  in  the  evenin  we  are  bustid  and  wilt ! 

Man  born  uv  woman  (and  most  men  are)  is  uv 
few  days,  &  them  is  so  full  uv  trouble  that  it's 
skarsely  worth  while  bein  born  at  all. 

In  October  I  waded  in  woe  knee-deep,  and  no\v 
the  waters  uv  afflickshun  arc  about  my  chin. 

I  look  to  the  east,  and  Massychusets  rolls  in 
Ablishun. 

To  the  west  I  turn  my  eyes,  and  Wisconsin,  and 
Minnesota,  and  Illinoy  ansers  Ablishun. 

Southward  I  turn  my  implorin  gaze,  and  Mary- 
land sends  greetin  —  Ablishun. 


i6  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

In  New  York  we  had  em,  for  lo  !  we  run  a  soljer, 
who  fought  vahantly,  and  we  put  him  on  a  plat- 
form, wich  stunk  with  nigger  —  yea,  the  savor  there- 
of wuz  louder  than  the  Ablishun  2:>latform  itself. 

But  behold  !  the  people  jeer  and  flout,  and  say 
"  the  2)iatform  stinketh  loud  enough,  but  the  smell 
thereof  is  not  the  smell  uv  the  Afrikin  —  it  is  of  the 
rotten  material  uv  wich  it  is  composed,  and  the  cor- 
rupshun  they  hev  placed  upon  it "  —  and  New  York 
goes  Ablishun. 

Slocum  held  hisseif  up,  and  sed,  "  Come  and  buy." 
And  our  folks  bought  him  and  his  tribe,  but  he 
getteth  not  his  price. 

Noo  Gersey  —  Ablishun  !  ! 

Job's  cattle  wuz  slain  by  murrain  and  holler  horn 
and  sich,  and,  not  livin  near  Noo  York,  the  flesh 
thereof  he  cood  not  sell. 

But  Job  bed  suthin  left — still  cood  he  sell  the 
hides  and  tallow ! 

Lazarus  bed  sores,  but 'he  bed  dorgs  to  lick  them, 

Noo  Gersey  wuz  the  hide  &  tallow  uv  the  Di- 
mocrisy,  and  lo  !  that  is  gone. 

What  little  is  left  uv  the  Dimocrisy  is  all  sore,  but 
where  is  the  dorg  so  low  as  to  lick  it ! 

Noo  Gersey  wuz  our  ewe  lamb  —  lo  !  the  strong 
hand  uv  Ablishnism  hez  taken  it. 


After  the  New  Jersey  Election,  1S65.     ^7 

Noo  Gersey  \vtjz  the  ArjTat  on  wich  our  ark 
rested  —  behold !  the  dark  waves  uv  Abhshnism 
sweep  over  it ! 

Darkness  falls  over  me  like  a  pall  —  the  shadder 
uv  woe  encompasseth  me. 

Down  my  furrowed  cheeks  rolleth  the  tears  uv 
anguish,  varyin  in  size  from  a  large  Pea  to  a  small 
tater. 

Noo  Gersey  will  vote  for  the  Constooshnel  Amend- 
ment, and  lo  !  the  Nigger  will  possess  the  land. 

I  see  horrid  visions  ! 

On  the  Camden  and  Amboy,  nigger  brakesmen ; 
and  at  the  polls,  niggers  ! 

Where  shall  we  find  refuge? 

In  the  North  ?  Lo !  it  is  barred  agin  us  by 
Ablishnism. 

In  the  South?  In  their  eyes  the  Northern  cop- 
perhead findeth  no  favor. 

In  Mexico  ?  There  is  war  there,  and  we  might 
be  drafted. 

Who  will  deliver  us?  Who  will  pluck  us  from 
the  pit  into  wich  we  hev  fallen? 

Where  I  shel  go  the  Lord  only  knows,  but  my 

impression    is.    South    Karliny   will   be    my   future 

home.     Wade  Hampton  is  electid  Governor,  certin, 

and  in  that  noble  State,  one  may  perhaps  preserve 

3 


1 8  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

enough  uv  the  old  Dimokratic  States  Rites  to  leaven 
the  whole  lump. 

•<  I'm  aflote  —  I'm  aflote 
On  the  dark  rollin  sea." 

And  into  what  harbor  fate  will  drive  my  weather- 
beaten  bark,  the  undersigned  can  not  trooly  say. 

Noo  Gersey  —  farewell!     The  world  may  stand 
it  a  year  or  two,  but  I  doubt  it. 
Mournfly  and  sadly, 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


Converses  with  General  McStinger.     19 


11. 


A  Conversation  with  General  McStinger^  of  the 
State  of  Georgia^  which  is  interrupted  by  a 
Subjugated  Rebel. 

Washington,  D.  C,  Nov.  18,  1865. 

SENCE  the  November  elections  I  hev  bin  spend- 
in'  the  heft  uv  my  time  in  Washinton.  I  find 
a  melankoly  pleasure  in  ling'rin  around  the  scene 
uv  so  many  Demokratic  triumphs.  Here  it  wuz 
that  Brooks,  the  heroic,  bludgeoned  Sumner ;  here 
it  wuz  that  Calhoon,  &  Yancey,  and  Breckinridge 
achieved  their  glory  and  renown.  Besides,  it's  the 
easiest  place  to  dodge  a  board  bill  in  the  Yoonited 
States.  There's  so  many  Congressmen  here  who 
resemble  me,  that  I  hev  no  difficulty  in  passin  for 
one,  two-thirds  uv  the  time. 

Yesterday  I  met,  in  the  readin-room  uv  Willard's, 
Ginral  MacStinger,  of  South  Karliny.  The  Ginral 
is  here  on  the  same  bizness  most  uv  the  Southern 
men  hev  in  this  classic  city,  that  uv  prokoorin  a 
pardon,  wich    he    hed    prokoored,   and  wuz   gittin 


20  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

ready  to  go  home  and  accept  the  nomiiiashen  for 
Congress  in  his  deestrick. 

The  Ginral  wuz  gloomy.  Things  didn't  soot  him, 
he  obser^'ed,  and  he  wuz  afeerd  that  the  country 
wuz  on  the  high  road  to  rooin.  He  hed  bin  absent 
from  the  Yoonited  States  suthin  over  four  3'eers,  wich 
time  he  hed  spent  in  the  southern  confederacy. 
When  he  went  out  the  Constooshnel  Dimocrisy  hed 
some  rites  w^ich  wuz  respected.  On  his  return  wat 
did  he  see  ?  The  power  in  the  hands  uv  Radikals, 
AbHshnism  in  the  majority  everywhere,  a  ex-tailor 
President,  —  a  state  uv  affairs  disgustin  in  the  ex- 
treme to  the  highly  sensitive  Southern  mind.  He 
had  accepted  a  pardon  only  becoz  he  felt  hisself 
constrained  to  put  hisself  in2  position  to  go  to  Con- 
gress, that  the  country  might  be  reskood  from  its 
impendin  peril.  He  shood  go  to  Congress,  and 
then  he  should  ask  the  despots  who  now  hev  control, 
whether,  — 

1.  They  spozed  the  South  wood  submit  to  hoo- 
miliatin  condishns? 

2.  What  Androo  Johnson  means  by  dictatin  to  the 
Convenshuns  uv  sovereign  States? 

"  Why,"  sez  he,  "  but  a  few  days  ago  this  boor 
hed  the  ashoorence  to  write  to  the  Georgy  Conven- 
shun  that  it  '  must  not '  —  mark  the  term  —  '  must 


Converses  with  General  McStinger.     21 

NOT  assoom  the  confedrit  war  debt.'  Is  a  tailor  to 
say  '  must  not '  to  shivelrus  Georgy  ?  Good  God  !  — 
where  are  we  driftiii?  For  one,  I  never  will  be 
consilliated  on  them  terms  —  never  !  I  never  wuz 
used  to  that  style  uv  talk  in  Dimekratic  convcn- 
shuns. 

"  Ez  soon  ez  I  take  my  seet  in  Congris,"  resoomed 
he,  "  I  shel  deliver  a  speech,  wich  I  writ  the  day 
after  Lee  surrendered,  so  ez  to  hcv  it  ready,  in 
which  I  shel  take  the  follerin  ground,  to  wit : 

"  That  the  South  hev  buried  the  hatchit,  and  hev 
diskivered  that  they  love  the  old  Yoonion  above  eny 
thing  on  earth.     But, 

"  The  North  must  meet  us  half  way,  or  we  wont 
be  answerable  for  the  consekences.  Ez  a  basis  for 
a  settlement,  I  shell  insist  on  the  follerin  condishens  : 

"  The  Federal  debt  must  be  repoodiated,  prin- 
cipal and  interest,  or  ef  paid,  the  Southern  war  debt 
must  be  paid  likewise  —  ez  a  peece  offerin.  The 
docti'ine  uv  State  Rites  must  be  made  the  soopreme 
law  uv  the  land,  that  the  South  may  withdraw 
whenever  they  feel  theirselves  dissatisfied  with  Mas- 
sachusetts.    Uv  coarse  this  is  a  olive  branch. 

"Jefferson  Davis  must  be  to-wunst  set  at  liberty 
and  Sumner  hung,  ez  proof  that  the  North  is  really 


22  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

consilliatory.  On  this  pint  I  am  inflexible,  and  on 
the  others  immovable." 

An  old  man  who  hed  bin  listnin  to  our  talk,  mur- 
mured that  there  wuz  a  parallel  to  this  last  propo- 
sishen. 

"Where?"  demanded  the  Genral. 

"  The  Jews,  I  remember,"  replied  he,  "  demanded 
that  Barrabas  be  released  unto  them,  who  wuz  a 
thief,  I  believe,  and  the  Savior  be  crucified,  but  I 
forgit  jist  how  it  wuz." 

The  Genral  withered  him  with  a  litenin  glance, 
and  resoomed  : 

"I  shel,  uv  course,  ofter  the  North  suthin  in  the 
way  uv  compensation,  for  the  troo  theory  uv  a  Re- 
publikin  Government  is  compermise.  On  our  part 
we  pledge  ourselves  to  kum  back,  and  give  the 
North  the  benefit  uv  our  kumin  back,  so  long  ez 
Massachusetts  condux  herself  akkordin  to  our  ijees 
uv  what  is  rite.  But  ef  this  ekitable  adjustment  is 
rejected,  all  I  hev  to  say  then  is,  I  shell  resign,  and 
the  Government  may  sink  without  wun  eflbrt  from 
me  to  save  it." 

I  wuz  about  to  give  in  my  experience,  when  the 
old  man,  who  wuz  sittin  near  us,  broke  in  agin  : 

"  My  name,"  sed  he,  "  is  Maginnis,  and  I  live  in 


Converses  with  General  McStinger.     23 

Alabama.  I  want  to  say  a  word  to  the  gentleman 
from  Karliny,  and  to  the  wun  from  Noo  Gersey." 

"  How,"  retorted  I,  "  do  yoo  know  I'm  from  Noo 
Gersey,  not  hevin  spoken  a  word  in  yoor  hearin  ?  " 

"  By  a  instink  I  hev.  Whenever  I  see  a  Suth- 
erner  layin  it  down  heavy  to  a  indivijouel  whose 
phisynogamy  is  uv  sich  a  cast  that  upon  beholdin  it 
yoo  instinktively  feel  to  see  that  yoor  pocket-hand- 
kercher  is  safe,  a  face  that  wood  be  dangerous  if  it 
had  courage  into  it,  I  alluz  know"  the  latter  to  be 
a  Northern  copperhead.  The  Noo  Gersey  part  I 
guessed  at,  becoz,  my  friend,  that  State  furnished 
the  lowest  order  uv  copperheads  of  any  uv  em. 
Pardon  me  ef  I  flatter  yoo.  But  what  I  wanted  to 
say  wuz,  that  I  spose  suthen  hez  happened  doorin 
the  past  4  years.  I  was  a  original  secessionist. 
Sum  years  ago  I  hed  a  hundred  niggers,  and  wuz 
doin  well  with  em.  But,  unforchunitly,  my  brother 
died,  and  left  me  ez  much  more  land,  but  no  niggers. 
I  wanted  niggers  enuft^to  work  that  land,  and  spozed 
ef  cut  off  from  the  North,  and  the  slave-trade  wuz 
reopened,  I  cood  git  em  cheaper.  Hentz  I  se- 
ceshed.     Sich  men  ez  Genral  JSIcStinwr  •  told    me 

O 

the  North  woodent  fight  or  I  woodcnt  hcv  secesht, 
but  I  did  it.  I  went  out  for  wool  and  cum  back 
shorn.     I  seceshed  with  100  niggers  to  git  200,  and 


24  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

alas !   I  find  myself  back  into  the  old  government, 
with  nary  a  nigger. 

"  But  all  this  is  no  excoose  for  talkin  bald  non- 
cents.  Yoo  old  ass,"  sed  he,  addressin  Genral  Mc- 
Stinger,  "  yoo  talk  uv  wat  yoo  will  do,  and  what 
yoo  wont.  Hevent  you  diskivered  that  yoo  are 
whipped  ?  Hevent  you  found  out  that  yoo  are  sub- 
joogated  ?  Are  3^00  back  into  the  Yoonyun  uv  your 
own  free  will  and  akkord  ?  Hevent  yoo  got  a  pardon 
in  yoor  pockit,  which  dockj^ment  is  all  that  saves 
yoor  neck  from  stretchin  hemp  ?  Why  do  yoo  talk 
uv  wat  South  karliny  will  and  wont  do  ?  Good 
Lord  !  I  recollect  about  a  year  since  South  karliny 
would  never  permit  her  soil  2  be  pollutid  by  Yankee 
hirelins,  yit  Sherman  marched  all  over  it  with  a  few 
uv  em,  and  skarcly  a  gun  was  fired  at  em.  So  too 
I  recollect  that  that  sed  State,  wich  wuz  agoin  to 
whip  the  entire  North,  and  wich  wood,  ef  over- 
powered, submit  gracefully  and  with  dignity  to 
annihilation,  and  sich,  wuz  the'first  to  git  down  on 
her  marrow  bones,  and  beg  for  peace  like  a  dorg. 
Ef  yoo  intend  this  talk  for  the  purpose  uv  skarin 
the  North,  beleeve  me  when  I  say  that  the  North 
aint  so  easy  skarcd  cz  it  wuz.  Ef  its  intendid  for 
home  consumption,  consider  me  the  people.  Ive 
heard  it  before,  and  I'll  take  no  more  uv  it  until  my 


Converses  with  General  McStinger.     25 

stumick  settles.  It  makes  me  puke.  The  fact  is  we 
are  whipped,  and  hev  got  to  do  the  best  we  kin. 
We  are  a  goin  to  pay  the  Federal  debt,  and  aint 
goin  to  pay  the  confederet  debt.  Davis  will  be  hung, 
and  serve  him  rite.  States  rites  is  dead,  and  slavery 
is  abolished,  and  with  it  shivelry ;  and  its  my  opin- 
ion the  South  is  a  d — d  sight  better  off  without 
either  of  em.  I  kin  sware,  now,  after  livin  outside 
uv  the  shadder  uv  the  flag  4  yeres,  that  I  love  it ! 
You  bet  I  do.  I  carry  a  small  one  in  my  coat 
pocket.  I  hev  a  middlin  sized  one  waved  by  my 
youngest  boy  over  the  family  when  at  prayers,  and 
a  whalin  big  one  wavin  over  my  house  all  the  time. 
I  hev  diskivered  that  its  a  good  thing  to  live  under, 
and  when  sich  cusses  as  yoo  talk  uv  what  yoo  will 
and  wont  do  under  it,  I  bile.  Go  home,  yoo  cusses, 
go  home !  Yoo,  South,  and  pullin  orf  your  coat, 
go  to  work,  thankin  God  that  Johnson's  merciful 
enuff  to  let  yoo  go  home  at  all,  insted  uv  hangin 
yoo  up  like  a  dorg,  for  tryin  to  bust  a  Guverment 
too  good  for  yoo.  Yoo,  North,  thankful  that  the 
men  uv  sense  uv  the  North  hed  the  manhood  to  pre- 
vent us  from  rooinin  ourselves  by  makin  sich  ez  yoo 
our  niggers.     Avaunt !  " 

And  the  excited  Mr.  Maginnis,  who  is  evidently 
subjoogated,  strode  out  uv  our  presence.      His  in- 


26  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

temperit  talk  cast  a  chill  over  our  confidencis,  and 
we  dident  resoom  with  the  ease  and  freedom  we 
commenced  with,  and  in  a  few  minutes  we  parted. 
I  didn't  like  him. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  of  the  New  Dispensashun, 


A  Remarkable  Dream.  27 


III. 

A  Re7narkahle  Dreatn.  —  A    Country  settled 
exclusively  by  Democrats. 

Washington,  December  1,  1865. 

LAST  nite  I  was  the  victim  uv  another  dream. 
Ef  I  don't  quit  this  explorin  the  realms  of  the 
fucher  in  my  sleep,  I  shall  become  a  second  Saint 
John.  Ef  so,  I  maik  no  doubt  my  revelations  will 
be  uv  a  remarkably  startlin  character. 

Methawt  the  Ablishnists  had  asserted  the  power 
we  diskivered  they  possest,  after  the  late  elecshuns, 
and  had  gone  the  whole  figgcr.  They  had  forced 
the  South  into  the  humiliashen  uv  allowin  nio:o:ers 
to  testify,  and  in  the  Northern  states  had  given  em 
the  elective  franchise.  Uv  course  the  edecated  and 
refined  democrasy  wood  never  consent  to  be  carried 
up  to  the  polls  alongside  uv  a  nigger  —  uv  course  no 
Democratic  offis-seeker  w^ood  hoomiliate  himself  to 
treatin  a  nigger  afore  a  election,  it  bein  a  article  uv 
faith  with  us  never  to  drink  with  a  nigger,  onless  he 
pays  for  it. 


28  SWINGIN    ROUXD    THE    CiRKLE. 

Therefore,  bein  helpless,  and  resolviii  never  to 
submit,  the  heft  uv  the  Democrasy  determined  to 
emigrate  in  a  body  to  some  land  \vhere  the  Anglo- 
Sackson  cood  rool,  —  where  there  was  no  mixter  of 
the  disgustin  x\frican.  Mexico  wuz  the  country 
chosen,  and  methawt  the  entire  party,  in  one  solid 
column,  marched  there.  Our  departure  was  a  ova- 
tion. The  peeple  on  our  route  wuz  all  dressed  in 
white,  ez  a  token  uv  joy,  and  from  every  house  hung 
banners,  with  inscriptions  onto  em,  sich  cz,  — 

'•  Now  is  our  hen-roosts  safe  !  " 

"  Canada  on  its  way  to  Mexico  !  " 

"  Poor  Mexico  —  we  bewail  thy  fate  !  " 

Oiu"  march  resembled  very  much  that  uv  the  chil- 
dern  uv  Isrcl.  Our  noses  wuz  the  pillers  uv  fire  by 
nite,  and  our  breath  the  piller  uv  smoke  by  day. 

On  our  arrival  to  Mexico,  the  natives  of  that 
country,  struck  probably  with  awe  at  the  majestic 
and  flamin  expression  uv  our  countenances,  hastily 
gathered  up  their  linen,  and  silver  spoons,  and 
bosses,  and  sich,  and  retreated  to  the  mountains.  It 
wuz  a  kompliment  to  us  that  them  ez  hadn't  enny- 
thing  remained. 

Finally  we  reached  a  plain,  where  we,  the  modern 
childern  uv  Isrel,  decided  to  remane,  and,  uv  course, 
the  fust  thing  to  do  wuz  to  form  a  gu^■ernment. 


A  Remarkable  Dream. 


29 


Mcthiiwt  Fcrnandy  Wood,  uv  New  York,  wuz 
chosen  viva  voce,  ez  President,  and  he  slept  forerd 
to  hev  the  oath  administered  to  him,  vv^ich  wuz  2  be 
dun  by  the  oldest  Justis  uv  the  Peece  uv  the  Lite 
stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,  wich  hez  committed  sooicide. 
Here  a  new  trouble  ensood  —  there  wuzn't  a  bible 
to  be  found  in  the  whole  encampment.  The  diffi- 
culty wuz  got  over  by  a  New  York  Alderman  ycllin 
out,  "  Never  mind  the  oath.  What's  the  yoose  uv 
any  oath  he  takes?"    So  he  wuz  declared  President. 

Prest.  Wood  then  proceeded  to  organize.  He 
requested  sich  ez  hed  held  commissions  in  the  army 
uv  the  Yoonited  States  to  step  forerd  three  paces. 
Gens.  Micklelan,  Buel,  Fitsjohn  Porter,  &  Slocum 
stcpt  forerd,  and  with  em  some  4,000,  a  part  uv 
whom  hed  held  quartermasters'  commissions,  and 
whose  accounts, 

**  Jest  afore  the  battle,  mother," 

didn't  balance,  but  wich  alluz  did  jist  after,  and 
others  who  hed  bin  dismist  for  bein  in  the  rear, 
when  their  sooperiors  desired  to  see  em  in  the  front, 
and  who  consekently  considered  it  a  d — d  Ablishun 
war,  wich  they  didn't  approve  uv  no  liow. 

Then  hevin  ascertained  the  material  for  officerin 
his  army,   he  axed  all    them   who   hed  bin    in    the 


30  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

service  as  privates  to  step  forerd.  2o,cxx)  obeyed, 
and  the  President  asked  the  fust  one  where  he 
enlisted,  who  ansered  ez  follows :  — 

"AtNooYork,  April  I3,  1864,  bounty  $1,000; 
and  at  Philadelphia,  April  14,  1864,  bounty  $700; 
and  at  Pittsburgh,  April  16,  1864,  bounty  $800; 
and  at  Cincernati,  April  19,  1864,  bounty  $400; 
and  at  —  " 

"  Enough,"  said  Fernandy,  and  glancin  down  the 
line,  and  seein  all  the  faces  were  uv  the  same  style 
and  expression,  he  asked  no  more  uv  em  any  ques- 
tions. 

Remarkin  that  it  wuz  well  enough  to  establish  a 
church,  he  desired  all  who  were  ministers  uv  the 
Gospel  to  step  forerd.  21  stept  out  and  desired  to 
explain.  They  cood  not  say  that  they  were  just 
no\v  in  full  connexion  with  any  church.  They  hed 
bin,  but  their  unconstooshnel  Ablishin  S3^nods  and 
conferences  hed  accoosed  em  uv  irregularities  in 
boss  tradin,  and  various  other  irregularities,  and 
suspended  em,  and  silenced  em  and  sich,  becoz  they 
were  Democrats,  but  — 

The  President  shrugged  his  sholders,  and  asked 
all  who  cood  read  to  step  out.  About  one-half 
answered,  and  then  he  requestid  sich  uv  this  num- 
ber ez  cood  be  prevaled  upon  to  accept  a  small 


A  Remarkable  Dream.  31 

office,  and  who  bleeved  theirselves  fit,  to  step  out 
agin,  and  to  my  unutterable  horror  and  consterna- 
tion, every  one  but  five  stepped  out  ez  brisk  ez  so 
many  bees.  Immejitly  there  vvuz  an  uproar.  Them 
ez  coodent  read  swore  vociferously  that  there  wuz 
nothin  fair  about  that  arrangement.  They  never 
knowd  that  a  man  wuz  obliged  to  be  able  to  read  to 
hold  office  in  the  Democratic  party,  and  they'd  never 
stand  that,  and  they  all  stepped  out. 

Finally  it  wuz  decided  that  a  election  should  be 
held  at  some  fucher  time. 

The  next  step  wuz  to  divide  em  up  into  employ- 
ments. The  President  requested  them  ez  preferred 
to  foUer  mekanikle  employments  to  step  out :  Sum 
thirty  advanced.  Them  ez  preferred  farmin  :  About 
fifty  stept  out.  Them  ez  expected  to  run  small  gro- 
ceries : 

There  wuz  a  sound  like  the  rush  uv  many  w^aters. 
Ninety-eight  per  cent,  uv  all  —  ceptin  the  officers 
and  preachers  —  sprung  to  the  front,  but  when  they 
saw  ther  strength,  tlieir  faces  turned  white.  "  Good 
Lord !  "  w^iispered  they  ;  "  we  can't  make  a  livin 
out  uv  the  remainin  two  per  cent,  and  the  officers 
and  preachers !  " 

The  mass  then  demanded  a  division  uv  the  prop- 
erty, that  all  mite  start  alike,  but  upon  takin  a  in- 


32  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

ventory,   it  \vuz  found    not  wuth  while    to   bother 
about  a  division. 

Then  they  commenced  murmurin,  and  sed  wun 
to  another,  "  Oh  for  the  flesh  pots  uv  the  Egypt  we 
left !  "  "I  cood,  at  hum,  live  oft'  my  Ablishn  na- 
bers."  "  There  wuz  rich  men  in  our  ward,  but  ez 
we  hed  the  majority,  they  paid  taxes,  which  ive 
spent!"  "Ablishnists  is  pizen,  but  it  is  well  enough 
to  hev  enough  uv  em  to  tax  !  "  and  ez  wun  man, 
they  resolved  to  return,  and  the  confusion  that  re- 
sulted from  the  breakin  ujd  awoke   me. 

There  is  onquestionably  a  moral  in  the  vision. 
Ez  often  ez  I  hev  syed  for  perpetual  Democratic 
majorities,  I  hev  sumtimes,  when  our  party  wuz 
successful,  and  bid  fair  to  be  so  permanently,  won- 
dered what  we  would  do  with  the  Treasury  ef  we 
didn't  lose  the  offices  occasionally,  so  ez  to  hev  the 
other  party  nurse  it  into  pickin  condition  for  us. 

I  don't  think  I  shood  like  to  live  in  a  unanimous 
Dimocratic  community. 

PetroleTjm  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  of  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


A  Change  of  Base  —  Kentucky.    33 


IV. 

A  Change  of  Base —  Ke7itucky. — A  Semion  which 
was  interrzij^ted  by  a  Subjugated  a?zd  Subdued 

Confederate. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

December  9,  1865.      3 

HERE  in  the  grate  Stait  uv  Kentucky,  the  last 
hope  uv  Dcmocrlsy,  I  hev  pitched  my  tent, 
and  here  I  propose  to  lay  these  old  bones  when 
Deth,  who  has  a  mortgage  onto  all  uv  us,  shall  see 
fit  to  4close.  I  didn't  like  to  leave  Washinton.  I 
luv  it  for  its  memories.  Here  stands  the  Capitol 
where  the  President  makes  his  appintments ;  there 
is  the  Post  Offis  Department,  where  all  the  Post- 
masters is  appinted.  Here  it  was  that  Jaxon  rooled. 
I  hed  a  res^DCx  for  Jaxon.  I  can't  say  I  luved  him, 
for  he  never  3-oosed  us  rite.  He  hated  the  Whigs 
ez  bad  cz  we  did,  but  after  we  beat  em  and  elevated 
him  to  the  Presidency,  the  stealins  didn't  come  in  ez 
fast  ez  we  expected.  Never  shel  I  forgit  the  com- 
pliment he  paid  nic.  Jest  after  his  election  I  pre- 
sented myself  afore  him  with  my  papers,  an  appli- 
3 


34  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

cant  for  a  place.  He  read  em,  and  scanned  me  with 
a  critic's  eye. 

"Can't  yoo  make  yoose  uv  sich  a  man  ez  me?" 
sez  I,  inquirinly. 

"  Certinly,"  sez  he  ;  "  I  kin  and  aUuz  hev.  Its 
sich  cz  yoo  I  use  to  beet  the  whigs  with,  and  I  am 
continyooally  astonished  to  see  how  much  work  I 
accompHsh  w^ith  sich  dirty  tools.  My  dear  sir,"  sed 
he,  pintin  to  the  door,  "when  I  realize  how  many 
sich  cusses  ez  yoo  there  is,  and  how  cheap  they  kin 
be  bought  up,  I  really  tremble  for  the  Republic." 

I  didn't  get  the  office  I  wantid. 

Yet  ez  much  ez  I  love  Washinton,  I  wuz  forced 
to  leave  it.  I  mite  hev  stayed  there,  but  the  trooth 
is,  the  planks  uv  that  city  and  the  pavements  are 
harder,  and  worse  to  sleep  on,  than  those  uv  any 
other  city  in  the  Yoonited  Staits.  I  hed  lived  two 
months  by  passin  myself  off  ez  Dimekratic  Congress- 
men, but  that  cood  only  last  a  short  time,  there  not 
bein  many  uv  that  persuasion  here  to  personate.  I 
had  gone  the  rounds  uv  the  House  ez  often  ez  it 
wuz  safe,  and  one  nite  commenced  on  the  Senit. 
Coin  into  Willard's,  I  called  for  a  go  uv  gin,  wich 
the  gentlemanly  and  urbane  bar  keeper  sot  afore 
mc,  and  I  drank.  "  Put  it  down  with  the  rest  uv 
mine,"  sez  I,  with  a  impressive  wave  uv  the  hand. 


'':'l!ili'|.i1'ii!''I^:i''r::fi:ii'*''''i!!!i!i''r 


!  T 


J)o  you  KNOW  Charles  Slmner?     Page  35. 


A  Change  of  Base  —  Kentucky,  35 

"  Yoor  name?"  sez  he. 

Assoomin  a  intellectual  look,  I  retorted,  "  Do  you 
know  Charles  Sumner?" 

Here  I  overdid  it ;  here  vaultin  ambition  o'er- 
leaped  herself.  Hed  I  sed  "  Saulsbur} ,"  it  mite 
have  ansered,  but  to  give  Sumner's  name  for  a  drink 
uv  gin  wuz  a  peece  uv  lunacy  for  wich  I  kan't 
account.  I  wuz  ignominiously  kicked  into  the 
street.  Drinks  obtained  at  the  expense  uv  bein 
kicked  is  cheep,  but  I  don't  want  em  on  them 
terms  ;  my  pride  revolted,  and  so  I  emigrated.  The 
gentlemanly  and  urbane  conductors  uv  the  Penns}^- 
vania  Central  passed  me  over  their  road.  They  did 
it  with  the  assistance  uv  two  gentlemanly  and  ur- 
bane brakesmen,  wich  dropped  me  tenderly  across 
the  track,  out  uv  the  hind  eend  uv  the  last  car. 

I  found  here  a  church  buildin,  uv  wich  the  con- 
gregation had  bin  mostly  killed  in  bushwhackin 
expeditions,  and  announsin  myself  ez  a  constooshnel 
preacher  from  Noo  Gersey,  succeeded  in  drawin 
together  a  highly  respectable  awjience  last  Sunday. 

Takin  for  a  text  the  passage,  "  The  wagis  uv  sin 
is  death,"  I  opened  out  ez  follows  :  — 

"Wat  is  sin?  Sin,  my  beloved  hearers,  is  any 
deviashen  from  ycr  normal  condishen.  Yoor  be- 
loved pastor  hez  a  stumick  and  a  head,  wich  is  in 


36  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

close  sympathy  with  each  other,  so  much  so,  indeed, 
that  the  principal  biznis  uv  the  head  is  to  fill  the 
stumick,  and  mighty  close  work  its  been  for  many 
years,  yoo  bet.  Let  yoor  beloved  pastor  drink,  uv 
a  nite,  a  quart  or  two  more  than  his  yoosual  allow- 
ance, more  than  his  stuinick  absolootely  demands, 
and  his  head  swells  with  indignashen.  The  excess 
is  sin,  and  the  ache  is  the  penalty. 

"  The  wagis  uv  sin  is  death  !  Punishment  and  sin 
is  ez  unseperable  ez  the  shadder  is  from  the  man  — 
one  is  ez  shoor  to  foller  the  other  ez  the  assessor  is 
to  kum  around  —  ez  nite  is  to  foller  day.  The 
Dimekratic  party,  uv  wich  I  am  a  ornament,  hez 
experienced  the  trootli  uv  this  text.  When  Douglas 
switched  off,  he  sinned,  and  ez  a  consekence,  Linkin 
wuz  elected,  and  the  Sceptre  departed  from  Israel. 
When  —  " 

At  this  pint  in  the  discourse,  a  old  man  in  the 
back  part  uv  the  house  ariz  and  interrupted  me. 
He  sed  he  hed  a  word  to  say  on  that  subjick  which 
must  be  sed,  and  ef  I  interrupted  him  till  he  got 
through  he'd  punch  my  lied  ;  whereupon  I  let  him 
go  on. 

"  Trooly,"  sez  he,  "  the  wages  of  sin  is  dcth.  I 
I  hev  alluz  bin  a  Dimecrat.  The  old  Dimocracy 
hez  bin  in  the  service  uv  sin  for  thirty  years,  and 


A  Change  of  Base  —  Kentucky.    37 

the  assortment  uv  death  it  hez  received  for  wages  is 
trooly  siirprisin.  Never  did  a  party  commence  bet- 
ter. Jaxon  wus  a  honist  man,  who  knew  that  right- 
eousnis  wiiz  the  nashun's  best  holt.  But  he  died, 
and  a  host  uv  tuppenny  poHticians,  with  his  great 
name  for  capital,  jumped  into  his  old  clothes,  an 
undertook  to  run  the  party.  Ef  the  Dimocracy 
coold  hev  elected  a  honist  man  every  fourth  or  fifth 
term,  they  mite  hev  ground  along  for  a  longer 
period,  but  alars !  Jaxon  wuz  the  last  of  that  style 
we  hed,  and  so  many  dishonist  cusses  wuz  then  in 
the  Capital  that  his  ghost  coodent  watch  the  half  uv 
them. 

"  The  fust  installment  uv  deth  we  reseeved  w^uz 
when  Harrison  beet  us.  The  old  pollytishens  in 
our  party  didn't  mind  it,  for,  sez  they,  '  The  Treas- 
urey  woodent  hev  bin  w^uth  mutch  to  us  ennyhow 
after  the  suckin  it  has  experienced  for  1 2  years  ;  it 
needs  4  years  uv  rest.'  We  elected  Poke,  and  here 
it  wuz  that  Sin  got  a  complete  hold  uv  us.  Anshent 
compacts  made  with  the  devil  wuz  alluz  ritten  in 
blud.  We  made  a  contract  with  Calhoonism,  and 
that  wuz  ritten  in  blud  wich  w^uz  shed  in  Mexico. 
Here  we  sold  ourselves  out,  boots  and  britches,  to 
the  cotton  Democricy,  and  don't  our  history  ever 
sence  prove  the  trooth  uv  the  text,  '  The  wages  uv 


38  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

sin  is  deth?'  O,  my  frends !  in  wat  hevy  install- 
ments, and  how  regularly,  hcz  these  wages  bin 
pade  us. 

''  Our  men  uv  character  commenst  leavin  us.  Silas 
Write  kicked  out,  and  wood  hev  gone  over  agin  us 
hed  he  not  fortunately  died  too  soon,  and  skores  uv 
uthers  followed  soot.  Things  went  on  until  Peerse 
waiz  elected.  The  Devil  (wich  is  cotton),  whom 
we  wuz  servin,  brot  Kansas  into  the  ring,  and  \vat  a 
skatterin  ensood. 

"Agin,  the  men  uv  character  got  out,  and  gradu- 
ally but  shoorly  the  work  uv  deth  went  on.  Boo- 
kannon  wuz  elected,  but  wuz  uv  no  voose  to  us. 
After  Peerse  hed  run  the  machine  four  yeers,  wat 
wuz  there  left?  Eko  ansers.  Anuther  siftin  fol- 
lered,  and  the  old  party  wich  wunst  boasted  a  Jaxon 
hed  got  down  to  a  Vallandigum.  The  Devil,  to 
w^ich  we  hed  sold  ourselves,  wood  not  let  us  oft' with 
this,  however.  '  The  wages  uv  sin  is  deth,'  and 
we  hed  not  reseeved  full  pay  ez  yet.  He  instigated 
South  Karliny  to  rebel ;  he  indoosed  the  other 
Democratic  States  to  foller ;  he  forced  the  Northern 
Democrisy  to  support  em,  and  so  on.  That  avuz 
the  final  stroke.  Dickinson,  and  Cass,  and  Dix, 
and  Todd,  and  Logan,  all  left  us,  and  wun  by  wun 
the  galaxy  uv  Northern  stars  disaj^peared  from  the 


A  Change  of  Base  —  Kentucky.    39 

Democratic  firmament,  leaving  Noo  Gersey  alone, 
and  last  fall,  my  brethrin,  she  sot  in  gloom. 

"  Oh,  how  true  it  is !  We  sensed  sin  faithfully, 
and  where  are  we  ?  We  went  to  war  for  slavery, 
and  slavery  is  dead.  We  fit  for  a  confederacy,  and 
the  confederacy  is  dead.  We  fit  for  States  Rites, 
and  States  Rites  is  dead.  And  Democracy  tied  her- 
self to  all  tliese  corpses,  and  they  hev  stunk  her  to 
death. 

"  Kentucky  went  heavy  into  the  sin  biznis,  and 
whar  is  Kentucky  ?  We  sent  our  men  to  the  con- 
fedrit  army,  and  none  uv  em  cum  back,  ceptin  the 
skulkers,  who  comprised  all  uv  that  class  wich  we 
wood  hev  bin  glad  to  hev  killed.  Linkin  wantid  to 
hev  us  free  our  niggers,  and  be  compensatid  for  em. 
We  held  on  to  the  sin  uv  niggers,  and  now  they  are 
taken  from  us  with  nary  a  compensate.  In  short, 
whatever  uv  good  the  Devil  promised  us  in  pollytix 
hez  resulted  in  evil.  My  niggers  is  gone,  my  plan- 
tashen  here  hez  fed  alternately  both  armies,  ez  they 
cavorted  backerds  and  forrerds  through  the  Stait, 
my  house  and  barns  wuz  burnt,  and  all  I  hev  to 
show  for  my  property  is  Confedrit  munny,  which  is 
a  very  dead  article  uv  death.  I  know  not  what  the 
venerable  old  sucker  in  the  pulpit  wuz  a  goin  to 
say,  but  ef  he  kin  look  over  this  section  uv  the  heri- 


40  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

tage,  and  cant  preach  a  elokent  sermon  on  that  text, 
he  aint  much  on  the  preach.     I'm  dun." 

Uv  coarse,  after  a  ebulition  of  this  kind,  I  cooldn't 
go  on.  I  dismist  the  awdience  with  a  benedick- 
shun,  hopin  to  get  em  together  when  sich  prejudiced 
men  aint  present. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashuu, 


Abolition  in  Kentucky.  41 


V. 

The  Effect  the  Proclamation  of  Secretary  Seward 
produced  in  Kentucky. 

CoxFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

December,  20,  I860.      )    * 

AT  last !  The  deed  is  dun  !  The  tiranikle  gov- 
ernment which  hez  sway  at  Washington  hez 
finelly  extinguished  the  last  glimerin  flicker  uv  Lib- 
erty, by  abolishin  slavery  !  Tlic  sun  didn't  go  down 
in  gloom  that  nite  —  the  stars  didn't  fade  in2  a  sickly 
yeller,  at  wich  obstinacy  uv  nachur  I  \vuz  consid- 
ably  astonished. 

I  got  the  news  at  the  Post  Oftis  (near  wich  I  am 
at  present  stayin,  at  the  house  uv  a  venerable  old 
planter,  who  accepts  my  improvin  conversation  and 
a  occasional  promise,  wich  is  cheap,  ez  equivalent 
for  board).  Sadly  I  wendid  my  way  to  his  joeace- 
ful  home,  dreadin  to  fling  over  that  house  the  pall 
uv  despair.  After  supper  I  broke  to  em  ez  gently 
ez  I  cood  the  intelligence  that  three-fourths  uv  the 


42  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

States  hed  ratified  the  constooshnel  amendment  — 
that  Seward  had  ishood  his  proclamation,  and  that 
all  the  Niggers  wuz  free  ! 

Never  did  I  see  sich  sorrer  depicteii  on  human 
countenance  —  never  wuz  there  despair  uv  sich  depth. 
All  nite  long  the  bereaved  inmates  uv  that  wunst 
happy  but  now  distracted  home  w^ept  and  waled  in 
agony  wich  wuz  perfectly  heart  rendin. 

"  Wo  is  me,"  sobbed  the  old  man,  wringin  his 
hands. 

"John  Brown's  karkis  hangs  a  danglin  in  the  air, 
but  his  sole  is  marchin  on. 

"  It  took  posseshun  of  Seward,  and  thro  his  ugly 
mouth  it  spoke  the  words  '  the  nigger  is  free,'  and 
there  is  no  more  a  slave  in  all  the  land. 

"  Wunst  I  hed  a  hundred  niggers,  and  the  men 
were  fat  and  healthy,  and  the  wenches  wuz  strong, 
and  suin  uv  em  wuz  fair  to  look  upon. 

"  They  worked  in  my  house,  and  my  fields,  from 
the  rising  uv  the  sun  to  the  goin  down  uv  the  same. 

"Wuz  they  lazy?  I  catted  them  till  they  wuz 
cured  thereof;  for  lo  !  tliey  wuz  ez  a  child  under 
my  care. 

"Did  they  run  away?  From  Kentucky  they  run 
North,  and  lo  !  the  Locofoco  Marshals  caught  them 
for  me,  and  brought  them  back,  and  delivered  them 


Abolition  in  Kentucky.       '  43 

into  my  hand,  without  cost,  sayin,  lo  !  here  is  thy 
nisfSfer  —  do  with  him  ez  thou  wilt  (w^ich  I  alluz 
did),  wich  is  cheeper  than  keepin  dogs,  and  jest  as 
good. 

"  Solomon  wuz  wise,  for  he  hed  uv  konkebines  a 
suffishensy,  but  we  wuz  wiser  in  our  day  than 
him. 

"  For  he  hed  to  feed  his  children,  and  it  kost  him 
shekels  uv  gold  and  shekels  uv  silver,  and  much 
corn  and  oil. 

"  We  hed  our  konkebines  with  ez  great  a  much- 
ness ez  Solomon,  but  we  sold  their  children  for  sil- 
ver, and  gold,  and  red-dog  paper." 

And  all  nite  long  the  bereaved  old  patriarch,  who 
hed  alluz  bin  a  father  to  his  servants  (and  a  grand- 
father to  menny  uv  em)  poured  out  his  lamentations. 

In  the  mornin  the  niggers  wuz  called  up,  and  ez 
they  all  hed  their  koats  on,  and  hed  bundles,  I  spect 
they  must  hev  heard  the  news.  The  old  gentleman 
explained  the  situation  to  em. 

"  Yoo  w^ill,"  sed  he,  "  stay  in  yoor  happy  homes 
—  you  will  alluz  continue  to  live  here,  and  work 
here,  ez  yoo  hev  alluz  dun  !  " 

The  niggers  all  in  korious,  with  a  remarkable 
unanimity,  remarkt  that  ef  they  hed  ever  bin  intro- 
doost  to  theirselves,  they  thought  they  woodent.     In 


44  '    SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkxe. 

fact,  they  hed  congregated  at  that  time  for  the  pur- 
pose uv  startin  life  on  their  own  hook.  - 

A  paroxysm  uv  pain  and  anguish  shot  over  the 
old  man's  face.  Nearest  to  him  stood  a  octoroon, 
who,  hed  she  not  bin  tainted  with  the  accurst  blood 
uv  Ham,  wood  hev  bin  considered  beautiful.  FalUn 
on  her  neck,  the  old  patriarch,  with  teers  a  streamin 
down  his  fuiTowd  cheeks,  ejackilated,  — 

"  Farewell,  Looizer,  my  daughter,  farewell !  I 
loved  yoor  mother  ez  never  man  loved  nigger.  She 
w^uz  the  solace  uv  my  leisure  hours  —  the  companion 
uv  my  yooth.  She  I  sold  to  pay  orf  a  mortgage  on 
the  place  —  she  and  yoor  older  sisters.  Farewell! 
I  hed  hoped  to  hev  sold  yoo  this  winter  (for  yoo  are 
still  young),  and  bought  out  Jinkins  ;  but  wo  is  me  ! 
Curses  on  the  tirent  who  thus  severs  all  the  tender 
ties  uv  nachur.  Oh  !  it  is  hard  for  father  to  part 
with  child,  even  when  the  market's  high  ;  but,  Oh 
God  !  to  jDart  thus " 

And  the  old  gentleman,  in  a  excess  uv  greef, 
swOonded  away  genteely. 

His  son  Tom  hed  bin  caressin  her  two  little  chil- 
dren, who  wuz  a  half  whiter  than  she  wuz.  Unable 
to  resti'ain  liisself,  he  fell  on  her  neck,  and  bemoaned 
his  fate  with  tetchin  pathos. 


to 

'*■ 

bo 

rt 


y, 

■A 


w 
s 

H 

O 

H 
O 
M 

(II 


Abolition  in  Kentucky.  45 

"Farewell,  farewell,  mother  uv  my  children! 
Farewell  faro,  and  hosses,  and  shampane  —  a  long 
farewell !  Your  increase  wuz  my  perquisites,  and 
I  sold  em  to  supply  my  needs.  Hed  you  died,  I 
cood  hev  bin  resigned  ;  for  when  dead  you  ain't 
wuth  a  copper ;  but  to  see  yoo  torn  away  livin,  & 
wuth  $2,000  in  enny  market — it's  too  much,  it's 
too  much  !  " 

And  he  fainted,  fallin  across  the  old  man. 

"Who'll  do  the  work  about  the  house?"  shreekt 
the  old  lady,  faintin  and  fallin  across  Tom. 

"Who'll  dress  us,  and  wash  us,  and  wait  on  us?  " 
shreekt  the  three  daughters,  swoonding  away,  and 
fallin  across  the  old  woman. 

My  first  impulse  wuz  to  faint  away  myself,  and 
fall  across  the  three  daughters  ;  but  I  restraned  mj- 
self,  and  wuz  contented  with  strikin  a  attitood  and 
organizin  a  tablo.  Ilustlin  the  niggers  away  with  a 
burnin  cuss  for  their  ingratitood,  I  spent  the  balance 
uv  the  forenoon  in  bringin  on  em  too.  Wun  by 
wun  they  became  conshus  ;  but  they  wuz  not  their- 
selves.  Their  minds  wuz  evidently  shattered  ;  they 
wuz  carryin  a  heavy  heart  in  their  buzzimis. 

Wood,  Oh  !  wood  that  Seward  cood  hev  seen  that 
groop !     Sich  misery  does  Ablishinism  bring  in  its 


46  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

trane  —  sich  horrers  follers  a  departure  from  Dimi- 
kratic  teechins.  When  will  reason  return  to  the 
people?     Eko  answers,  When? 

Petroleixm  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  DispensaShim. 


Conversation  with  a  Kentuckian.       47 


VI. 

A    Conversation  with   a  Loyal  Kentuckian^  ivho 
had  Paith  iii  the  Jinal  Triumph  of  De?nocracy. 

CoxvEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

January  6,  1866.      J 

I  SEE  a  lite.  Democricy  is  not  that  dead  karkis 
its  enemies  hoped  for  and  its  friends  feared.  My 
noQmerious  friends  here  insisted  that  ez  I  wli2  grow- 
in  into  the  seer  and  yaller  leaf,  I  shood  abandon 
Dimocrisy,  and  flote  with  the  current.  I  cant.  Ez 
troo  ez  the  needle  to  the  pole,  so  am  I  to  Dimocrisy. 
Young  wimmin  flock  to  marryins,  middle-aged  ones 
to  bornins,  and  old  ones  to  buryins,  which  shows 
concloosively  to  the  most  limited  intelleck  wat  the 
mind  uv  each  class  runs  upon.  So  it  is  with  me. 
To  me  Dimocrisy  is  wife,  mother,  and  child. 

I  hev  diskivered  many  things  sense  I  hev  bin  in 
Kentucky  —  things  wich  elevated  my  depi'est  heart 
ez  yeast  does  dough,  wich  filled  my  shrunken  soul 
ez  wind  does  a  bladder. 


48  SwTNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

The  people  uv  Kentucky  wuz  all  loyal.  Doorin 
the  horrible  fratrisidle  war  wich  hez  rent  the  proud 
temple  uv  liberty  into  twain,  they  preserved  a  strict 
nootrality.  I  hed  a  conversation  w^ith  wun  old  pa- 
triarch, who  asshoored  me  that  he  hed  never  taken 
sides. 

Upon  his  honor,  he  asshoored  me  that,  after  bat- 
tles, he  rifled  the  corpses  uv  both  armies,  impartially. 
"Good  any  boddy  be  more  nootraller  tlian  that?" 
he  asked.  "  My  sons/'  sed  he,  "  wuz  in  the  confed- 
rit  army.  This  fact  wood  hev  turned  the  affections 
uv  a  week-minded  man  in  tliat  diixction  ;  but  when 
I  thot  uv  the  boys,  I  alluz  thot  also  uv  that  gellori- 
ous  star-spangled  banner,  under  wich  I  hed  whipped 
my  niggers  and  sold  their  children ;  under  whose 
sliadder  I  hed  men  servants,  and  made  servants,  and 
home-made  servants  born  unto  me.  That  banner 
hed  bin  my  shield.  Ef  my  niggers  run  off,  who  so 
prompt  in  their  pursoot  ez  the  Democratic  marshals, 
wich  alluz  returned  em  to  mc  cf  it  wuz  possible? 
The  instooshun  wuz  guaranteed  to  me  by  solemn 
compermises,  vv^ich  we  cood  hev  ez  often  ez  we  de- 
sired. Compermises  wuz  our  best  holt.  WHien- 
cver  we  wanted  anytliing,  all  we  hed  to  do  wuz  to 
ask  for  it.  The  Ablishinists  wood  object,  the  Di- 
mocrisy  wood  draw  up  a  compermise,  wich  inklood- 


Conversation  with  a  Kentuckian, 


49 


cd,  cz  a  rool,  twice  or  3  times  wat  we  asked,  and 
pass  it  to  save  the  Uiiion.  Sich  a  Union  wuz  worth 
havin,  and  I  opposed  all  efforts  to  dissolute  it.  Hed 
the  South  succeeded,  I  shood  hev  gone  with  em ;  for 
Kentucky  alone  —  the  only  nigger  State  in  the  North 
—  wood  hev  bin  helpless.  ScaLdin  tears  hev  I  shed 
when  contemplatin  the  horrors  uv  war  ;  but  I  cood 
do  nothin  to  avert  it.  Kentucky  wuz  loyal,  but 
nootral." 

I  find  do^^^l  here  that  the  loyal  citizens  uv  Ken- 
tucky wdio  hev  returned  from  the  confedrit  sei-vice 
are  not  at  all  discouraged  ;  on  the  contrary,  they 
are  hopeful.  Sed  one  to  me  (I  bleeve  he  wuz  a 
Kernel  under  Gen.  Forest ;  indeed,  I  think  he  told 
me  he  pai'ticipated  in  the  glorious  victory  at  Fort 
Filler),— 

"  Why  art  thou  cast  do\\m  ?  Tilings  is  workin 
eggsacldy  to  our  hand." 

In  a  mournful  tone,  I  retorted  that  I  failed  to  per- 
seeve  it. 

"  I  kin,"  sez  he.  "  Lookye,  my  venerable  friend. 
Is  the  Northern  Dimocrisy  still  troo?" 

"They  is,"  I  replied,  "wat  few  remains.  But, 
alas !  war,  crool  war,  hez  decimated  our  ranks  five 
times." 

"How  so?"    sez  he.     "None  uv  your  kind  uv 
4 


50  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Democrats  jined  in  this  unholy  croosade,  and  fell 
afore  our  deth-deelin  swords  —  did  they  ?  " 

"Not  any,"  sez  I;  "but  Kanady  and  Montana 
took  em  afore  each  draft.  That  wuz  why  we  wuz 
so  beet  at  the  eleckshuns.  For  one  week-kneed  Ab- 
lishinist  we  scared  into  our  raiilvs,  we  lost  two  by 
emigration ;  and,  unfortunitly,  wun  half  that  emi- 
grated starv'ed  to  deth,  and  totlier  half  is  distribbited 
in  the  various  States  prisons  m  them  lands  uv  ref- 
uge." 

"  Still,"  sez  he,  "  it  matters  not.  Yoo  hev  dee- 
stricks  yoo  kin  carry  in  most  irv  the  States.  The  Five 
Points  deestrick,  in  Noo  York,  is  ours.  Noo  Gersey 
will  go  back  to  her  allegiance.  The  new  gold 
States,  where  so  menny  uv  our  friends  fled,  will 
send  up  Democrats  to  Congress.  Ohio  hez  2  de- 
voted to  us,  Pennsylvany  hez  several,  and  the  most 
uv  the  Northern  States  will  send  one  or  two ;  and 
them  from  the  North  kin  be  depended  on  to  go  any 
measure  ^ve  say.  Then  "  —  and  he  slapped  me  on 
the  back  highlariously  —  "  the  niggers  is  free  !  " 

"  Well?  "  sez  I,  not  secin  wat  cause  for  highlarity 
that  wuz. 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  them  niggers  is  not  now  other 
PERSONS  I  We  aJluz  counted  five  uv  cm  for  three 
in  making  up  the  Congressers  we  wuz  entitled  to ; 


Conversation  with  a  Kentuckian.       51 

now  they  count  as  white  men,  wich  increases  our 
delegashuns  to  sich  an  extent  that  ef  yoo  Northern 
men  do  half  yoor  dooty,  we'll  hev  a  majority  in  Con- 
gress. Then,  good  Lord  !  the  pleasant  crack  uv  the 
whip  shcl  agin  be  heard  on  the  plains  uv  the  sunny 
South.  The  niggers  wont  be  re-enslaved  ;  but  our 
Legislaters  will  speedily  redoose  em  to  their  normal 
condishun.  We  shell  observe  the  Constitushnel 
Amendment  strickly  and  in  good  faith.  The  Afri- 
kin  shcl  be  free ;  but  the  good  uv  society  demands 
that  he  shel  be  under  proper  guardianship.  He 
wont  be  allow^ed  to  change  his  location  ;  and  the 
laws  uv  the  States  will  define  his  dooties,  and  give 
us  the  power  uv  enforcin  em.  He  wont  be  allowed 
to  hev  arms,  so  he  can't  resist.  Ez  he  can't  leave  a 
plantation,  he  will  hev  to  submit  quietly  to  sich  rools 
ez  the  high-minded  planter  makes  for  him,  or  be 
shot  on  the  spot,  or  turned  out  to  die  uv  starvashun, 
akording  to  circmnstances.  Ef  the  planter  is  a  un- 
rcjenerated  child  uv  damnashun,  he  will  shoot  him  ; 
ef  he  is  a  saint,  who  hez  a  southern  hope  uv  a  bless- 
ed immortality  beyond  the  grave,  he'll  restrane  his 
anger,  and  turn  him  out  to  die  uv  hunger,  onless  he 
repents,  and  comes  back  humble.  Then,  they  bein 
free  and  responsible  for  theii'selves,  we  ain't  obleeged 
to  take  care  uv  the  sick,  the  aged,  or  the  infirm,  so 


52  S\viNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

it  will  be  really  better  than  it  waiz  before.  I  see  a 
gellorious  future  afore  us.  Thro  the  thick  clouds  uv 
gloom  the  brite  sun  uv  hope  cheerinly  breaks.  Say 
to  the  Northern  Dimocrisy,  be  uv  good  cheer.  Agin 
they  shel  lick  our  hands ;  agin  they  shel  eat  the 
crumbs  that  fall  from  the  National  table. 

"  Thank  Grod  for  the  Northern  Dimocrisy,  with 
the  other  blessins  He  has  gi^'en  the  South.  With 
niggers  to  do  our  manual  labor  for  nothing,  with 
Northern  Democrats  to  do  our  votin  at  almost  the 
same  price,  we  are  trooly  a  favored  people.  Bless 
the  Lord  for  the  nigger  and  the  Democrat,  wich  is 
both  useful  to  us,  each  in  his  speer  !  " 

I  drew  encouragement  from  his  remarks.     The 

deep  vane  uv  pious  thankfulness  wich  run  through 

his  discourse  was  nateral  to  liim.     He  is  a  trooly 

pious  man,  and  wuz  just  back  frum  the  meetin  uv 

the  Synod  uv  one  uv  the  Southern  churches,  wich 

still   persists   in    quotin  Onesimus  and  Hayger.     I 

feel   encouraged.      O,  Dimmycrats   uv   the   North, 

let  us 

"  Otrr  vigger  renoo, 

And  our  journey  pursoo," 

and  I  feel  shoor  tliat  success  will  at  last  croAvn  our 

efforts. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


A  Vision.  53 


VIT. 


A  Vlsio7i.  —  Celehratio7i  of  the  Anniversary  of 
tJie  Taking  of  Neiv  Ch'leans.  —  In  the  Vision 
the  Spirit  of  Andrew  facksoji  appears^  and 
discoui'ses  of  Various  Things, 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

January  12, 1866.      J 

WE  had  sort  uv  a  celebrashun  uv  the  8th  day 
uv  Janooaiy  at  the  Corners  last  nite.  My 
meetin  house  wuz  gorgeously  decorated  for  the  oc- 
cashun  ;  the  walls  bcin  hung  with  confedrit  battle 
flags,  and  on  the  corners  of  the  pulpit  wuz  placed 
two  skulls  uv  Yankees,  picked  up  at  Andersonville 
by  one  of  the  guards,  who  is  now  a  loyal  citizen  uv 
this  State,  residin  at  this  pint.  These  skulls  wuz 
illuminated  by  placin  a  taller  candle  inside  uv  each 
uv  em.  The  effect  wuz  inspirin.  The  guard  who 
contributed  em,  is,  I  need  not  say,  a  conservative 
Democrat,  and  in  the  matter  uv  swearing  at  Ablish- 
nists  he  displays  more  talent,  and  hez  a  more  com- 
prehensive  range   uv  oaths,  than  any  man  1  ever 


54  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirki.e. 

knowed.  The  church  waiz  also  decorated  with 
mottoes,  furnished  by  myself  and  others,  uv  wich 
the  followin  is  some  uv  em  :  — 

"  The  Yoonyun  ez  it  wuz  —  vmder  Bookanan." 

"  The  noble  dead  uv  Kentucky  —  them  ez  fell 
pintin  their  guns  north  we'll  alluz  remember." 

"Our  returned  soljers  —  beaten,  but  not  con- 
kered." 

"  Niggers  and  northern  Dimocrisey  —  weVe  lost 
the  first ;  thank  God,  the  latter  is  ours  forever." 

I  hevn't  time  nor  space  to  give,  in  full,  the  per- 
ceedins  uv  the  cvenin.  Suffice  it  to  say,  at  12,  pre- 
cisely, the  company  broke  up,  and  sich  uv  em  ez 
were  able,  departed.  I  remained.  There  wuz  suthin 
in  the  refreshments  wich  indoost  me  to  stay  ;  in  fact, 
I  coodn't  conveniently  get  out  from  under  tlie  table, 
where  I  bed  fallen. 

While  peacefully  sleepin  the  sleep  uv  innosence, 
my  unfettered  sole  went  orf  on  a  explorin  expedishen 
into  the  land  uv  dreams,  and  I  dreamed. 

Metliawt  that  we  wuz  celebratin  the  anniversary 
uv  the  battle  uv  Noo  Orleans,  on  a  heavier  skale 
than  the  wun  just  closed.  We  bed,  at  our  festive 
board,  all  the  grate  lites  uv  Dimocrisy.  There  wuz 
Fernandy  Wood  and  his  brother  Ben,  and  Dan 
Voorhefi.    and    the    grate   Valandigum    and   Frank 


A  Vision.  55 

Peerce,  and  Bookanon  hed  consented  to  emerge 
from  his  saint-like  retirement,  and  meet  with  us. 
The  South  wuz  represented  by  sich  noble  Dimo- 
crats  cz  Yancy,  and  Toombs,  and  Wigfall ;  in  short, 
it  wuz  a  reyoonyun  uv  old-time  Dimocrats,  met  not 
only  to  honor  the  memry  uv  Jackson,  but  to  consult 
ez  to  the  best  method  uv  savin  the  yoonyun  from 
the  rox  uv  Abolishun  onto  wich  it  seems  now  to  be 
driftin. 

The  gileless  Bookanon  wuz  President  uv  the 
evenin,  and  Breckinridge  Vice  President,  and  toasts 
wuz  drank  ez  follows  :  — 

"  The  ancient  Dimocrisy  —  troo  to  the  country,  ez 
long  ez  there  is  an  office  to  be  filled." 

Response  by  Fcrnandy  Wood. 

"The  President  uv  the  ev^enin  —  the  last  Dimo- 
cratic  President  uv  the  Yoonited  States." 

Mr  Bookanan  rose  to  respond,  but  he  wuz  over- 
kum,  and  sank  back,  his  eyes  suffoozed  with  tears. 
In  a  voice  broken  with  emoshun,  he  intimated  that 
he  wuz  in  daily  expectation  uv  bein  translated,  ez 
Elijer  wuz,  in  a  barouche  with  two  white  bosses. 
"  White,"  he  repeated  ;  "  for  ef  the  team  is  black,  I 
won't  go ;  I'll  die  the  nateral  way  fust."  "  My 
frends,"  sed  he,  "  keep  my  mantle  out  uv  the  hands 
uv  the  Jews.     Wher  is  the  Elisha  who'll  wear  it  ?  " 


56  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"  The  yoonun  ez  it  wuz,  the  constooshun  ez  it  is, 
and  the  nigger  where  he  ought  to  be." 

Response  by  Breckinridge,  who  sed  he  hed  bin 
four  years  fightin  the  battles  uv  the  Dimocrisy, 
whose  prinsiples  wuz  happily  set  forth  in  the  senti- 
ment. Beeten  in  the  field,  we  must  fight  it  out  at 
the  ballot-box.  Nil  despritrando  must  be  the  mot- 
to uv  the  Dimocrisy. 

"Androo  Jaxon,  the  —  " 

As  thus  much  uv  the  toast  wuz  read,  there  wuz  a 
clap  uv  thunder  heard,  wich  shook  the  buildin,  and 
made  not  only  the  windows  rattle,  but  the  glasses  to 
dance  on  the  table,  and  the  gost  uv  Androo  Jaxson 
hisself,  in  the  uniform  uv  181 2,  come  down  through 
the  ceelin.  There  wuz  a  frown  on  his  countenance, 
terrible  to  behold.  Turnin  to  the  company,  he 
remarked  that  the  gate-keeper  uv  hell  must  hev 
slept  at  his  post,  for  out  uv  no  other  Depository 
cood  there  be  gathered  so  many  villianous  counte- 
nances. "  I  perpose,"  sed  he,  "  to  respond  to  this 
sentiment  myself"  The  Woods  slid  out  uv  their 
sects,  under  the  table  ;  Breckinridge  sneaked  out  uv 
the  church  ;  Vallandigham,  with  his  natural  impu- 
dence, tried  to  face  it  out,  but  one  look  from  Androo 
J.  finished  him,  and  he  slid,  and  Bookannon  tried 


A  Vision.  57 

to  git  out,  but  Androo  caught  him  by  the  collar,  and 
held  him. 

'^  I  hev  suthin  to  say  to  yoo.  The  chair  yoo 
wunst  disgraced,  I  okkepied,  called,  to  it,  ez  yoo 
\vuz,  by  the  voice  uv  the  peeple.  I  swore  to  pre- 
serve the  constitooshen  and  the  yoonyun,  and  so  did 
yoo.  I  did  it,  and  yoo  didn't.  When  South  Carliny 
undertook  to  nullify,  I  bustid  the  arrangement,  becoz 
I  didn't  propose  to  hev  the  yoonyun  I  fought  for  in 
two  wars  go  down  to  death,  when  a  particle  uv 
pluck,  put  in  at  the  right  time,  cood  save  it.  Yoo 
mite  hev  dun  the  same,  but  yoo  woodent.  Yoo 
took  the  seat  for  the  purpose  of  bustin  it ;  for  one 
term  of  the  Presidency  yoo  agreed  to  destroy  the 
Government. 

"What  are  yoo  here  for?"  shouted  the  gost  in  a 
terribly  sepulkral  tone,  and  a  stampin  his  feet  and 
grittin  his  teeth.  "  To  celebrate  the  battle  uv  Noo 
Orleans?  Yoo  stole  the  livery  uv  Jaxon  to  serve 
Calhoon  in.  Under  the  shadder  uv  my  name,  yoor 
dooing  deeds  wich,  ef  I  wuz  in  the  flesh,  I'd  hang 
yoo  for.  How  I  wished,  in  '60  and  '61,  I  cood 
revisit  the  earth.  I'd  hev  histed  yoo  out  uv  the  seat 
yoo  disgraced,  and  never  hev  let  Linkin  hed  the 
credit  uv  puttin  down  a  rebellion.  It  wood  hev  bin 
lively  for  some  uv  yoo.     I'd   hev  ornamented  the 


58  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

trees  with  your  karkises ;  the  Southern  buzzards 
wood  hev  grown  fat  on  secesh  korpses. 

"Go  back,  yoo  idiots  —  go  back  to  your  first  love. 
Get  the  wool  out  uv  your  teeth,  and  try  to  think 
more  uv  your  country  than  yoo  do  uv  a  yaller  girl. 
Yoo  kin  3*it  repent.  A.  Johnson,  whose  initials  is 
the  same  ez  mine,  runs  over  with  mercy,  or  he 
wood  hev  hung  the  half  uv  yoo.  Repent  and  be 
saved.  There  is  a  slite  chance  for  yoo  yit.  The 
dyintheefwuz  pardoned  on  the  cross,  wich  ought 
to  be  encouragin  to  yoo,  for  yoo  hev  longer  time  left 
in  wich  to  repent,  and  the  Lord  knows  yoo  need  it. 
But  ef  yoo  will  go  on  in  yer  iniquity,  do  it  on  yoor 
own  hook.  Don't  take  my  name  in  vain  no  more. 
I  hevn't  nothin  in  common  with  yoo,  nor  never  had. 
Yoo  yoosed  to  follow  me,  the  same  ez  a  drove  uv 
jackals  alluz  follers  a  lion,  to  devour  the  hides,  and 
bones,  and  offal  that  he  despises.  The  lion  hez  gone 
hentz,  and  yoor  takin  his  skin,  and  are  trying  to  imi- 
tate his  roar.  The  skin  hangs  loose  upon  yoo,  and 
the  roar  is  a  miserable  squeak.  Never  let  me  hear 
of  yoor  celebratin  any  more  uv  my  doins.     I  go." 

And  in  another  clap  of  thunder,  the  gost  ascendid 
through  the  roof  agin. 

I  awoke.  A  cold  sweat  wuz  a  standin  on  my 
intellectooal  brow,  and  a  mortal  shiverin  shook  me. 


A  Vision.  59 

I  wuz  alone  in  the  church,  under  the  table  where  I 
originally  fell,  and  around  me  wuz  skattered,  in 
confusion,  the  remnant  uv  the  feast.  I  thot  to  my- 
self, ef  sich  wuz  the  eflect  uv  a  dream  uv  the  gost 
Jaxon,  wat  wood  ensoo  ef  he  shood  be  raised  from 
the  dead,  and  visit  the  Dimocrisy  in  the  flesh.  Then 
wood  my  prayer  be  continooally,  "  Good  Lord, 
deliver  us." 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


Go  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


VIII. 


A  Plan  suggested  for  the  Up-huilding  of  the  De- 
mocracy.—  The  Idea  not  New.,  but  one  which  the 
Leaders  of  the  Fierce  Democracy  have  acted 
up 071  front  the  Beginniitg. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

January  27,  1866.      ) 

HALLELOOGY!    halleloogy  !    halleloogy  !     I 
see  a  lite  !     It  beams  onto  me  !     It  penetrates 
me  !     It  fills  me  !     Goy  to  the  world  ! 

I  hev  diskivered  the  cause  uv  the  decline  uv  the 
Dimocrisy.  I  seed  it  yisterday.  I  w^uz  a  wanderin 
on  the  neighborin  hills,  a  musin  onto  the  cussednis 
uv  humanity  ez  exemplified  in  tlie  person  uv  the 
grocery  keeper  at  the  Corners,  who  unanimusly 
refoozed  to  give  mc  further  credit  for  corn  whisky, 
wich  is  the  article  they  yoosc  in  this  country  to  pi- 
zcn  thcirselvcs  \s  ith.  He  asshoored  mc  that  he  hed 
the  utmost  regard  for  my  many  virtues;  but  he  dis- 
kivered that  tlic  one  he  prized  the  most  I  hedn't  so 
many    uv,    to    wit,    tliat    uv    pa\  In    for    my    likkcr. 


A  Plan  for  Up-building  the  Democracy.     6i 

Therefore  the  account  mite  be  considered  closed. 
Then,  for  the  fust  time  in  my  life,  I  bleeved  in  total 
depravity. 

While  musin,  in  a  melonkoly  mood,  on  this  dark 
cloud  Avich  fell  across  my  pathway,  and  the  fall  uv 
the  Dimocratic  party,  I  came  onto  a  party  of  men 
borin  for  ile.  Then  the  trooth  flashed  over  me. 
Their  operations  showed  me  the  way  to  success  — 
the  shoor  path  to  triumph. 

"  When,"  said  I  to  myself,  "  when  men  seek  gain 
they  bore  for  it.  They  go  down  —  never  up.  Even 
so  with  the  Dimocrisy.  We  dug  downward,  down- 
ward, downward,  through  all  the  strata  uv  society. 
We  went  through  the  groceries ;  the  next  stratum 
was  the  most  ignorant  uv  the  furiners  ;  then  we 
struck  the  poor  whites  uv  the  South  ;  then,  b^low 
them,  the  heft  uv  the  people  uv  Noo  Gersy ;  then 
Southern  Illinoy  and  Indiana ;  then  Pike  county, 
Missouri ;  and  so  on.  We  never  went  upward  for 
converts,  cause  'twant  no  use.  When  a  man  wanted 
to  jine  us  he  alluz  hed  to  come  down.  W^e  got  lots 
of  converts. 

There  was  a  regular  slidin  scale,  which  the  heft 
uv  Democrats  who  wuznt  born  in  the  party  hev 
slid  down  ;  to  wit :  — 

Qiiarter  dollar  smiles. 


62  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

15  cent  nips. 

10  cent  drinks. 

5  cent  sucks. 

A  flat  flask  conceded. 

A  bottle  openly. 

Dimocrisy. 

We  lost  our  hold  for  two  reasons.  First,  the  poor 
likkcr  we  hev  now  kills  off*  our  voters  too  fast ;  and 
the  tax  on  whiskey  forced  two  thirds  uv  our  people 
to  quit  suckin,  and  ez  soon  ez  they  begun  to  git  on 
their  feet  they  jined  the  Ablishnists.  Secondly,  our 
leaders  spozed  there  wuz  no  lower  stratum  to  dig 
into,  and  give  up  in  disgust. 

But  I  hev  deskivered  that  lower  stratum  —  I  hev 
found  it ;  and  when  the  idea  flashed  over  my  Web- 
sterian  intelleck,  I  shouted  Halleloogy !  The  nig- 
ger is  the  lower  stratum  ;  and  ef  we  bore  down  to 
it,  and  work  it  thoroughly,  we  hev,  at  least,  a  twenty 
years'  lease  uv  power. 

We  must  cultivate  the  nigger.  He  must  iiev 
THE  SUFFRAGE  !  It  is  a  burnin  shame,  that,  in  this 
Nineteenth  Sentry,  in  the  full  blaze  uv  intelligence, 
livin  under  a  Deklarashun  which  declares  all  men 
"  free  and  ekal,"  that  a  large  body  uv  men  shood  be 
denied  the  glorius  privilege  uv  bein  taken  up  to  the 
poles  and  voted.     Is  not  the  Afrikin  a  man?     Is  he 


A  Plan  for  Up-building  the  Democracy.     63 

not  taxed  ez  we  are,  and  more  than  most  uv  the  De- 
mocrisy,  for  many  uv  em  own  property?  Is  he 
not  amenable  to  all  the  laws,  even  cz  we  is?  Then 
why,  I  triumphantly  ask,  is  he  not  entitled  to  a  vote? 
Ah!  why,  indeed? 

"  But  this  is  Ablishnism  !  "  methinks  I  hear  a  ob- 
toose  Dimocrisy  observe  in  horrer.  ''  And  why  give 
them  votes  who  will  use  em  asrin  us?" 

My  gentle  friend,  will  they  use  their  ballot  agin 
us?  Ef  I  know  myself,  I  think  not.  Kin  they  read? 
Kin  they  write?  Aint  the  bulk  uv  em  rather  de- 
graded and  low  than  otherwise?  Methinks.  Aint 
that  the  kind  uv  stock  we  want,  and  the  kind  wich 
hez  alluz  set  us  up?  Readin  hez  alluz  bin  agin  us. 
Every  skool  master  is  a  engine  uv  Ablishnism ; 
every  noosepaper  is  a  cuss.  General  Wise,  uv  Vir- 
ginia, when  he  thanked  God  there  wuzn't  a  noose- 
paper in  his  deestrick,  hed  reason  to  ;  for  do  yoo 
spoze  a  readin  constitooency  wood  hev  ever  kept 
sich  a  blatherskite  ez  him  in  Congress  year  after 
year? 

Then,  agin,  the  Constooshnal  Amendment  will 
j^ass,  givin  representashen  to  voters  alone.  The 
Democratic  States  will  hev  more  members  uv  Con- 
gress and  more  electoral  votes  than  afore  the  war ; 
and  them  States  we  kin  depend  on. 


64  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

But  my  skeem  is  still  more  comprehensive.  Them 
niggers  ain't  needed  in  the  South.  We'll  send  em 
North.  A  few  thousand  will  overbalance  the  Ab- 
lishun  majority  in  Noo  Gersey  ;  fifty  thousand  will 
bring  Ohio  back  to  the  fold  ;  the  same  number  will 
do  for  New  York  and  Pennsylvany,  and  the  coun- 
try is  saved  —  we  w^ill  be  able  to  elect  the  President. 
Thus  the  pit  the  Ablishnist  dug  for  us  he'll  fall  into 
hisself ;  the  club  he  cut  for  us  will  break  his  own 
head. 

Honey  hez  kum  out  uv  the  carcass^  good  hez 
perceded  from  Nazareth.  The  nigger  smells  sweeter 
to  me  now  than  Nite  bloomin  Serious  ;  he  is  more 
precious  to  me  than  gold,  or  silver,  or  preshus  stones. 
He  is  the  way,  and  I  shel  walk  in  it.  He  shel  lift 
me  into  a  Post  orifis.  We  must  give  our  Afrikin 
brother,  —  for  is  he  not  a  man  and  a  brother?  —  not 
only  the  suffrage,  but  he  must  hev  land,  and  the  De- 
mocracy must  give  it  to  him.  I  want  Garrit  Davis 
to  instantly  interdoose  a  bill  into  the  Senit  givin 
each  family  a  quarter  section  uv  land,  a  pair  uv 
mules,  and  a  cook  stove ;  and  each  female  Afrikin 
brother  two  flarin  calico  dresses  and  a  red  bonnet. 
I  want  him  to  advocate  the  bill  in  a  speech  uv  not 
more  tlian  two  hours,  so  that  it  will  stand  some 
chance  uv  passin.    On  second  thought,  I  guess  some 


A  Plan  for  Up-building  the  Democracy.     65 

other  man  bed  better  iiiterdoooe  tbc  bill,  as  the  Sen- 
nit hez  got  into  sich  a  habit  uv  votin  down  every- 
thing he  proposes,  that  they'd  slather  this  without 
considerin  it,  on  jineral  principles. 

Then  we've  got  em.  Work  ez  hard  ez  they  may 
at  it,  it'll  take  twenty  years  afore  the  Ablishinists 
kin  edjukate  em  up  to  the  standard  uv  votin  their 
tikkit ;  and  even  that  time  won't  do  it  if  we  kin  git 
the  tax  taken  off  uv  whiskey,  so  that  we  kin  afford 
to  use  it  ez  in  the  happy  days  uv  yore. 

Goyusly  I  went  home  to  lay  the  foundashun  uv 
the  new  temple  uv  Dimocrisy.  I  slept  that  nite 
atween  two  niggers,  and  hev  bin  shakin  hands  and 
enquirin  after  the  health  uv  the  families  uv  all  I  hev 
met.  Its  rather  hard  for  an  orthodox  Democrat. 
Sich  sudden  shifts  is  rather  wrenchin  on  the  con- 
shence.  But  what  uv  that?  The  Dimocrat  who 
hez  follered  the  party  closely  for  thirty  years  ought 
not  to  balk  at  sich  a  triflin  change  ez  this^,  pertiklerly 
when  it  promises  sich  glorious  results. 

"There's  a  lite  about  to  gleem, 
There's  a  fount  about  to  streem, 
Wait  a  little  longer  !  " 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 

5 


66  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


IX. 


Enjoys  a  Visiojz  of  the  Next  Worlds  seeing  therein 
7?ia?iy  Curious  Thi7igs^  which  are  published  as 
a  Warning  to  Politicians. 


L 


CoxFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  /• 

February  5,  1866.      J 

AST    nite  I  retired  to   mv  virtoous   couch,  at 


precisely  half  past  eleven,  after  eatin  a  rather 
light  supper  for  that  time  uv  night.  I  alluz  make  it 
a  pint  to  eat  light  in  the  evenin,  for  I'm  gittin  old, 
and  my  digestive  faculties  ain't  what  they  was  w^hen 
I  wuz  young.  Alas !  we  who  hcv  lived  out  the 
best  part  uv  our  days,  w^at  wood  we  give  to  be  set 
back  to  the  time  when,  with  our  faculties  unim- 
paired, we  cood  consoom  a  good  square  meal  with- 
out fear  uv  consekenses  !     But 

*'  Them  happy  days  is  fled, 
And  never  will  return." 

I  paid  my  respecks  to  2  mince  pies,  a  pair  uv 
pig's  feet,  some  cold  tongue,  and  a  plate  uv  tripe, 


Tt 


A  Vision  of  the  Next  World.  67 

follercd  by  a  half  dozen  dough  nuts  and  a  couple  or 
more  uv  glasses  uv  hot  whisky  punch  ;  and  singler 
ez  it  may  seem,  it  didn't  set  well.  I  dreamed  all 
night,  and  my  dreams  wuznt  at  all  pleasant.  Me- 
thawt  I  hed  deceest,  and  wuz  in  the  next  world.  It 
was  a  singler  site  that  met  my  vision.  The  dividin 
line  atween  this  world  and  the  next  wuz  a  swift 
stream  uv  water,  and  every  deceest  spirit  hed  to 
cross  it.  The  water  wuz  suthin  like  that  uv  the 
Dead  Sea.  A  man,  unencumbered  with  anything, 
cood  walk  on  it,  but  they  sunk  down  in  it  if  they 
wuz  loaded,  accordin  to  what  they  hed  to  carry. 
On  the  tother  side  uv  this  Jordan  wuz  heaven ;  the 
dominions  uv  his  majesty  Satan  the  ist  wuz  below, 
and  to  it  a  strong  under  current  flowed,  which  took 
all  them  ez  wuz  too  heavy  loaded  to  keep  their 
chins  above  water. 

On  the  bank  stood  more  than  two  millions  uv 
little  devils,  who  flung  onto  the  shoulders  uv  them 
tryin  to  cross  their  failins,  and  weaknesses,  and 
iniquities. 

General  Breckinridge  wuz  the  flrst  that  I  saw 
enter  the  flood.  He  hed  on  a  life  presei-\'er,  labelled 
"  States  Rights,"  but  a  peert  little  devil  stuck  a  pin 
into  it,  and  it  collapsed,  the  gas  with  wich  it  wuz 
filled  smellin  horribly.     Down  he  went,  and  ez  he 


68  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

sunk,  they  commenced  peltin  him  with  packages 
labelled  "  Treason,"  "  Perjury,"  and  "  Murder,"  and 
Jolin  C.  went  mider. 

Old  James  Buckanon  went  next.  The  old  gen- 
tleman didn't  keep  above  water  as  long  ez  a  able 
bodied  man  could  hold  a  bar  uv  red  hot  iron  in  his 
hand.  He  made  one  splash,  when  a  weight  labelled 
"  Treason  "  struck  him,  and  down  he  went.  The 
gentlemanly  and  urbane  devil  who  had  him  in 
charge  had  a  big  pile  more  uv  ammunition  to  dis- 
charge at  him,  but  that  one  wuz  sufficient. 

Vallandigham  come  next.  I  wuz  surprised  to  see 
no  one  make  a  motion  at  him,  but  he  sunk  all  the 
same.  "  We  never  waste  effort,"  sed  Satan  to  me  ; 
"  he  carries  enough  natural  cussedness  about  him, 
all  the  time,  to  sink  him,  without  pilin  any  devil- 
ment on  his  shoulders  wich  is  ten  days  old." 

Frank  Peercc  made  his  appearance,  but  declined 
to  enter.  He  wuz  immediately  seezed,  and  on  each 
leg  wuz  tied  a  weight  labelled  "  Kansas,"  and  they 
flung  him  in.  He  went  down  like  a  shot,  and  that's 
the  last  I  seed  uv  him. 

Garret  Davis  went  in,  and  to  my  surprise,  passed 
over  safely.  Nothin  wuz  flung  at  him,  for  wich  I 
asked  the  reason. 

"Why,"  sed  Satan,  "the  poor  old  man  isn't  ac- 


A  Vision  of  the  Next  World.  69 

countable.  He  commenced  to  talk  many  years  ago, 
and  keeps  on  talkin  because  he  really  don't  know 
when  to  stop.  I  could  hev  sunk  him,  but  the  fact 
is,  I  woodent  endoor  what  the  Senit  uv  the  Yoo- 
nitcd  States  hez  hed  to,  for  the  past  few  years,  for  a 
dozen  uv  Tombs  lawyers.  Besides  tliis,  I'm  gettin 
more  from  Kentucky  now  than  I  am  really  entitled 
to.     I've  a  mortgage  on  two-thirds  uv  that  State." 

Fernandy  and  Ben  Wood  come  up  rather  bold, 
and  entered  the  flood  ez  though  they  were  sure  uv 
goin  through  all  right.  With  a  inimitable  chuckle, 
Satan  motioned  away  the  inexperienced  devils,  and 
sed,  "  Leave  em  to  me,"  and  at  Ben  he  hurled  a 
package  uv  the  New  York  News,  wich  swashed 
him  down  instantcr.  Jest  ez  Fernandy  wuz  begin- 
nin  to  reach  the  other  shore,  he  flung  onto  him 
an  assortment  uv  weights,  labelled  "  Lotteries  "  and 
"  Riots,"  which  took  him  down  to  the  arm  pits,  and 
finished  by  tumblin  onto  him  a  mass,  onto  wich  wuz 
written  "  Mayoralt}^,"  and  down  he  ^vent ;  at  wich 
His  Majesty  drew  a  sigh  uv  relief. 

Seein  the  style  uv  the  men  who  sunk,  I  remarked 
unto  him, — 

"  This  war  hez  bin  a  rather  profitable  thing  for 
you." 

*'  Nothin  to  speek  uv,"  sed  he.     "  The  leaders  uv 


7o  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

the  Southerners  were,  sum  uv  em,  honest,  and  got 
through  on  that  account,  and  the  rank  and  file  were 
ignorant  wretches,  who  ain't  accountable,  no  how. 
The  leading  copperheads  uv  the  North  were  mine, 
anyhow,  from  the  beginnin.  Any  man  who  cood 
sympathize  with  the  rebels  in  sich  a  struggle,  must, 
yoo  will  acknowledge,  hcv  hed  a  long  career  uv  ini- 
quity to  fit  em  for  sich  a  sin.  Why,"  sed  he,  ''  do 
yoo  think  I  use  all  the  shot  I  hev?  Not  any.  Them 
yoove  seen  piled  on  were  used  because,  bein  the 
last,  they  were  on  the  top  uv  the  pile. 

"Any  quantity  uv  yoor  party  escaped  me.  Them 
fellows  who  are  yet  votin  for  Jackson  I'll  never  git, 
and  the  most  uv  them  ez  alluz  votes  unscratched 
tickets  will  dodge  me.  Their  innocence  protects 
em.  It  takes  a  modritly  smart  man  to  be  vishus 
enuft'  to  come  to  me  ;  he  hez  to  hev  sense  enuff  to 
distinguish  between  good  and  evil,  cussednis  enuff 
to  deliberately  choose  the  latter,  and  brains  enuff  to 
do  suthin  startlin  in  that  line.  Dan  Voorhees,  uv 
Injeany,  hez  all  these  qualities  developed  to  a  degree 
wich  excites  my  profound  respect.  Between  him 
and  Fernandy  Wood  its  nip  and  tuck.  Fernandy 
did  wicked  things  with  more  neatnis  than  Voohees, 
but  for  a  actual  love  uv  doin  em  Voohees  beets  the 
world.     I  sed,"  continued  he,  "  that  the  war  wuzn't 


A  Vision   of  the  Next  World.  71 

uv  much  yoose  to  me.  I  repeat  it ;  it  wuz  a  dam- 
age. Afore  the  war,  I  hed  my  own  way,  pretty 
much,  in  the  Southern  States.  For  every  octoroon, 
I  cood  count  on  at  least  two  planters,  and  under  the 
patriarklc  system  uv  Afrikin  slavery  (wich,  by  the 
way,  wuz  one  uv  my  most  brilliant  consepshuns), 
octooroons  multiplied  with  a  rapidity  pleasin  to  be- 
hold. But  now,  alas  !  the  octooroon  bizness  is  done, 
and  my  best  holt  is  gone.  I  hev  some  little  hope, 
however.  The  Dimocrisy  are  displayin  a  vigger  I 
didn't  think  they  possest.  Ef  they  kin  only  git 
strength  enuff  to  elect  the  next  President  and  re- 
establish slavery  !  The  thought  fills  me  with  unut- 
terable joy.  The  redoosin  of  the  nigger  to  bondage 
agin  wood  give  me  a  clean  title  to  evry  last  one  who 
helped  to  do  it,  and  in  gittin  em  back  into  their  nor- 
mal condishun  (by  the  way,  that's  another  phrase 
uv  mine),  ther'd  be  enuff  slaughterin  and  murders  to 
satisfy  several  sich  Satans  ez  I  am.  I'd  help  em  ef 
I  knowd  how,  but  I  can't  improve  on  either  their 
speekers  or  writers,  and  ez  long  ez  men  will  do  my 
work  gratis,  I  don't  see  the  yoose  uv  interferin." 

At  this  pint  a  couple  uv  small  imps  undertook  to 
push  me  into  the  stream,  and  in  the  struggle,  I 
awoke.  My  dreem  wuz  o'er,  but  the  impreshun 
remained.     "  Kin  it  be,"  mused  I,  pensively,  "  that 


72  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

we  are  doin  the  devil's  work,  and  are  we  to  be 
finally  rewarded  in  the  manner  I  saw  in  my  vision? 
Ef  so,  hedn't  I  better  quit  and  repent?" 

But  I  thought  agin,  that  however  it  mite  be  for 
younger  men,  it  wood  be  uv  no  3-oose  for  nle.  I 
hed  voted  the  strait  ticket  for  thirty  years,  and  the 
ten  or  twelve  years  I  hed  to  live  wuz  too  short  a 
time  in  which  to  repent  successfully  uv  sich  iniquity. 
So  I  sank  into  sleep  agin,  this  time  dreemin  that  I 
had  turned  Fenian  —  hed  elected  myself  Hed  Cen- 
ter for  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky,  and  wuz  just  investin 
$75,000  in  a  magnificent  plantashun. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashim. 


A  Sonnet.  73 


X. 


SONNIT 

07ito  a  Soldier^  wick  wuz  wunst  a  Dlmekrat^  but 
is  now  a  hozvlin  AhlisJniist^  %vic/i  I  sazv  a  linipin 
about  071  one  Leg^  hevin  left  the  other  at  Antee- 
tam. 

BLOO-KOTED  monster  !  thou  wentest  forth 
Armed  with  thy  rifle  and  sharp-pi nted  bayonet, 
Whose  peeked  eend  with  .Southern  blood  is  wet : 
I  hate  thee,  tool  and  minyun  uv  the  North  ! 
Thou  wast  a  Dimckrat :  them  kote  and  pants, 
The  wavin  flag,  the  gun  with  peeked  eend, 
Turned  yoo  into  a  Abolishn  feend, 
Who  supked  the  blood  uv  Dimekratic  saints. 
Monster  unnachral !  by  niggerism  hatched, 

Thousands  and  more  uv  Dimokrats  yoo'vc  slain, 
Who'll  never  rally  to  tlie  poles  again 
To  vote,  ez  wunst  they  did,  a  tikkit  all  unskratched. 
Avant !  the  work  yoo  did  our  party  is  undoin  : 
To  us  yoor  kote  uv  bloo  is  jest  bloo  rooin ! 


74  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XI. 


The  Situation. — The  Attempt  of  the  President 
to  wheedle  Democrats  into  Supporting  his 
Policy  without  givi^ig  thejn  the  Offices  com- 
??iented  upon. — The  Z)e?nocracy  warned. 

CoxFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentuckj),  /• 

February  15,  1866.      J 

IHEV  had  hopes  uv  Andrco  Johnson.  My  wait- 
in  sole  hez  bin  centred  onto  him  for  a  year  back. 
He  wuz  the  Moses  wich  I  spected  wood  lead  the 
Democrisy  out  uv  the  desolate  Egypt  into  which  we 
hev  bin  making  bricks  without  straw  for  five  long 
weary  and  dreaiy  years.  O,  how  I  hev  yearned 
for  Johnson !  O,  how  I  hev  waited,  day  after 
day,  and  week  after  week,  and  month  after  month, 
for  some  manifestation  uv  Dimocrisy  wich  is  satis- 
factory —  suthin  tangible  —  suthin  that  I  cood  take 
hold  on. 

Faith  is  the  substance  uv  things  hoped  for,  and  the 
evidence  of  things  not  seen  ;  wich  is  all  right  so  fur 


The  Democracy  Warned.  75 

ez  religion  ez  concerned,  but  uv  no  account  in  poli- 
tix.  A  friend  uv  mine,  who  wuz  a  monomaniack 
on  the  subjick  uv  faith,  undertook  to  live  on  it,  un- 
der the  insane  belief  that  ef  a  man  had  faith  pork 
wuz  unnecessary.  Wuz  the  experiment  a  success? 
Not  any.  When  he  commenst  the  trial  he  weighed 
200  ;  in  a  week  he  wuz  down  to  125  ;  and  in  four- 
teen days  he  slep  in  the  valley ! 

I  hev  bin  livin  on  faith  for  a  year  or  more,  and  I 
too  am  thin.  My  bones  show  ;  light  shines  through 
me  ;  I  am  faint  and  sick.  Oh,  for  suthin  that  I  can 
see  and  feel  —  suthin  solid  ! 

Our  Dimocratic  noosepapers  are  supportin  An- 
droo  Johnson.  They  claim  that  his  polisy  is  our 
polisy  ;  that  he  is  ourn,  and  we  are  hizn.  They  are 
singin  hosanners  to  him.  At  his  every  act  they  ex- 
claim Halleloogy  !  in  chorus.  What  is  it  all  about? 
In  what  partikeler  hez  Androo  Johnson  showed  his- 
self  to  be  a  Dimokrat?  In  the  name  uv  Dimocrisy 
let  me  ask,  "Where  is  the  offices?"  W^ho's 
got  em  ?  What  is  the  politikle  convickshuns  uv  the 
wretch  who  is  post  master  at  the  Corners,  and  who 
only  last  nite  refused,  in  the  most  heartless  manner, 
to  trust  me  for  postage  stamps?  Who  is  the  Col- 
lectors, the  Assessors,  et  settry?  Are  they  consti- 
tooslmel  Dimokrats?     Is  Stanton,  and  Seward,  and 


^6  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Welles  histed  out  uv  the  cabinet,  and  Vallandigum, 
and  Brite,  and  Wood  apinted  in  their  places?  Not 
onct.  Every  post  master,  every  collector,  every  as- 
sessor, every  officer,  is  a  ablishinist,  dyed  deeply 
and  in  fast  colors. 

Faith  without  v^^orks  is  a  weak  institution  ;  its 
like  a  whisky  punch  with  the  whisky  omitted,  wich 
is  a  disgustin  mixter  uv  warm  water  and  sugar. 
What  is  it  to  me  (who  hev  bin  ready  to  accept  any 
position  uv  wich  the  salary  wuz  sufficient  to  main- 
tain a  individooal  uv  simple  habits)  who  is  beheaded, 
so  ez  I  don't  get  a  place  ?  Androo  Johnson  may  cut 
off  offishl  heads  ez  dexterously  and  proofoosely  ez 
he  chooses  ;  but  my  sole  refuses  to  thrill  w-hen  I 
know  that  Ablishnists,  though  uv  a  different  stripe, 
will  be  apinted.  So  long  ez  Dimocrats  are  kept 
out,  what  cai'e  I  who  hez  the  places?  Paul  may 
plant  and  Apollus  water ;  but  uv  what  account 
is  the  plantin  and  waterin  to  me  ef  I  don't  get  the 
increase?  I  take  no  delight  in  sich  spectacles.  Ef 
Androo  Johnson  proposes  to  be  a  Dimockrat,  —  ef 
he  desires  the  honest,  hearty  support  of  the  party,  — 
let  him  sccl  his  faitli  with  works. 

I  visited  Washington  with  the  express  purpose  uv 
sccin  the  second  Jackson.  I  am  a  frank  man,  and  I 
laid  the  matter  afore  him  without  hesitation.     I  told 


The  Democracy  Warned.  77 

him  that  the  Postmaster  at  the  Corners  wuz  opposin 
his  poHcy  and  aboosin  him  continually  ;  that  it  wuz 
a  outrage  that  men  holdin  place  under  the  Admin- 
istration should  not  sustain  the  Administration.  In 
the  name  uv  Right,  I  demanded  a  change. 

I  sposed  that  to  wunst  the  position  would  be  of- 
fered to  me  ;  and  after  protestin  a  sufficient  time 
that  I  did  not  wish  it,  and  would  prefer  the  apint- 
ment  of  some  more  worthy  man,  I  should  accept  it, 
and  go  home  provided  for  three  years.  Imagine  my 
deep,  my  unutterable  disgust,  when  he  told  me  that 
he  wood  investigate  the  matter,  and  probably  wood 
make  a  change,  provided  he  could  find,  in  the 

VICINITY,  some  original  UnION  MAN  WHO  WOULD 
ACCEPT  THE    PLACE ! 

Then  the  iron  entered  my  soul.  Then  I  felt  that 
in  him  we  had  no  lot  nor  part. 

Our  principles  are  uv  a  very  comprehensive  na- 
ture. We  are  willin  to  endorse  Andro  Johnson,  or 
any  other  man.  We  will  endorse  his  theories  uv 
Reconstruction,  or  any  man's  theories.  We  are 
elastic,  like  Injy  rubber.  The  boy  who  set  a  hen  on 
a  hundred  eggs  acknowledged  to  his  maternal  pa- 
rent that  she  could  not  kiver  em  ;  but  he  remarked 
he  wanted  to  see  the  old  thing  spred  herself.  We 
have  that  spreadin  capacity.     We  kin  accommodate 


*^S  SwiNGiN  Round  the"Cirkle. 

the  prejudices  uv  the  people  uv  all  the  various  local- 
ities. In  Connecticut  we  are  singin  John  Brown's 
body  lies  a  mouldrin  in  the  grave,  in  a  modritly  loud 
tone,  and  supporting  a  Ablishnist  who  voted  for 
doin  away  with  slavery  in  the  District  of  Columby 
and  for  the  Constooshnel  Amendment.  In  Ken- 
tucky we  are  hangin  men  uv  the  John  Brown  style, 
and  mobbin  all  uv  the  persuasion  u\-  the  Connecticut 
nominee.  Sich  a  variety  uv  principle,  —  a  party  uv 
sich  adaptibility,  —  kin  hev  but  one  great  central 
idee,  on  wich  there  is  no  diversity  uv  opinion,  and 
to  which  all  other  ideas  is  subordinate.  That  idea 
is  Post  Office  !  and  ef  Androo  Johnson  could  be 
got  rite  on  that  question,  we'd  care  not  wat  else  he 
required  uv  us. 

We  hev  our  arms  around  Androo.  We  are  hug- 
gin  him  to  our  buzzums  ;  but  he  hez  left  his  baggage 
to  hum.  That  baggage  is  wat  we  want;  and  we 
shel  fling  him  oft'  shortly,  onless  he  changes  his 
policy  in  this  respeck.  He  kin  hev  us  on  easy 
terms ;  but  he  must  furnish  the  ammunishun  with 
which  to  fight  his  battles.  Will  he  do  it?  That's 
the  question  a  hundred  thousand  hungry  soles,  who 
hanker  even  ez  I  do,  are  daily  askin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Xoo  Dispensashun. 


The  President's  23d  February  Speech.     79 


XII. 

Tlie  Presidenf s  22d  of  February  Speech,  —  The 
Account  thereof  of  One  behind  the  Scenes.  — 
Hopes  and  Fears  of  the  De??iocracy. 

Washington,  February  23,  1866. 

I  DON'T  know ;  but  there  is  a  still  small  voice 
within  me  wich  whispers,  "  All  is  well !  "  The 
delusive  phantom,  Hope,  may  be  play  in  false  with 
me.  The  wish  may  be  paternal  parient  to  the 
thought,  and  I  may  be  indulgin  in  a  dream  from 
\\  ich  I  shel  be,  to-morrcr,  roodly  awakened ;  but 
it's  my  opinion  that  the  day-star  uv  glory  hez  arozen 
onto  the  Dimocracy  ;  that  our  night  uv  gloom  is 
over ;  and  that,  at  larst,  the  Government,  or  at 
least  the  only  part  we  care  about,  —  the  offisis, — 
is  ourn.  I  heerd  Androo  Johnson  speak  last  nite  ! 
I  stood  beside  him  !  I  helpt  hold  him  up  !  I  smelt 
HIS  breath.     It's  all  rite  ! 

I  hed  hopes  when  he  vetoed  that  large  and  varied 
assortment  uv  Ablishn  abominashcns,  —  the  Freed- 


8o  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

men's  Burow  bill,  —  notwithstandin  there  were 
pints  in  his  message  I  coodent  sanction.  The  veto 
wuz  heavenly,  but  his  reasons  were  unsound. 
"When  he  exjoressed  hissclf  ez  bein  determined 
upon  sekoorin  the  niggers  in  their  rites,  I  felt 
fearful  that  there  wuz  a  honist  diffrence  uv  opinion 
atween  him  and  Congress  wich  mite  be  settled, 
and  then  what  wood  become  uv  us?  Ef  the  nig- 
gers is  to  hev  rites,  in  the  name  uv  Heaven,  I  asked 
myself,  what  ditlcrence  does  it  make  to  us  whether 
they  hev  em  by  Charles  vSumner's  system  (on  whose 
head  rest  cusses!),  or  A.  Johnson's?  And  ez  is 
customary  when  men  ask  theirselves  questions,  I  got 
no  answer.  Men  never  ask  theirselves  questions 
wich  kin  be  answered. 

But  last  nite  my  doubts  wuz  removed.  Little 
Sam  Cox,  and  Dan  Voorhees,  and  the  Woods,  and 
Tom  Florence,  and  Coyle,  and  me,  hed  bin  with 
Androo  all  day.  The  Ablishnists  avoided  him  after 
the  veto  ;  and  knowin  he'd  done  suthin  he  wuzn't 
quite  shoor  wuz  wise,  he  needed  bracin  up,  and  we 
wuz  ready  to  brace  him.  Isn't  it  singler  that  men, 
when  they  go  to  the  devil,  alhiz  go  in  squads?  Cox 
hed  him  cornered  all  day,  a  rcadin  to  him  extrax 
from  Forney's  Press,  and  choice  selections  from 
Sumner's   speeches ;    and  Voorhees  and  the  others 


The  President's  22d  February  Speech.     Si 

wuz  a  intimatin  to  him  that  only  in  the  buzzuni  uv 
the  Dimocrisy  cood  he  lind  that  conjeniality  uv 
spcrit  so  nessary  to  him  ;  and  by  the  time  the  ser- 
enade wuz  ready,  he  wuz  ez  full  uv  \enom  ez  wuz 
possible,  and  his  capassity  in  that  line  is  immense. 

The  company  all  went  wuth  him  onto  the  stand, 
and  my  eyes  saw  the  first  cheerin  vision  wich  they 
hev  beheld  for  years.  Before  us  stood  ten  thousand 
or  more  Dimocrats.  There  wuz  the  veteran  from 
Lee's  army  in  his  soot  uv  gray,  which  hed,  by  con- 
tinyood  contact  with  the  pavements  uv  Washington 
—  wich,  not  hevin  bin  slept  on  much,  sense  Bookan- 
non's  time,  they  don't  sweep  —  hed  become  some- 
what uv  the  color  uv  the  clay.  There  wuz  the  offi- 
ser  who  surrendered  with  Johnston,  and  them  noble 
sons  uv  Baltimore,  and  Rawly,  and  Charleston, 
who,  though  they  didn't  serve  their  section  in  the 
field,  were  ardent  in  their  support  uv  the  cause. 
There  were  the  old-style  Dimocrats  uv  the  North, 
whose  faith  in  Johnson's  Dimocrisy,  based  upon  the 
scene  wich  took  place  at  the  inauguration,  wuz 
greater  than  mine,  hed  come  on  with  their  applica- 
tions for  Post  Offises,  and  who  jined  so  heartily  in 
the  cheers  wich  went  up  for  J.  Davis :  and  there, 
addressin  this  crowd,  wuz  a  President — the  man 
6 


82  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

who  had  the   appintin  power  in   his  hands  —  who 
cood  make  and  unmake  Post  Offisis. 

It  did  me  good,  and  yet  I  doubtid.  Wood  he  go 
through  with  it?  Wood  he  lock  horns  with  Wade 
and  Sumner,  and  dare  the  wrath  uv  Thad  Stevens? 
Wood  he?  He  wavered  and  shrunk  back  cz  he 
saw  the  style  uv  the  awdience  before  him ;  for  he 
hcd  bin,  for  four  years,  accustomed  to  better  dressed 
l^eople.  But  Cox  and  Florence  wuz  ekal  to  the 
emergency.  Sarayooel  whispered  into  his  one  ear, 
"  Whitewash  !"  and  Florence  into  tother,  "  Charles 
the  I.  !  "  and  flamin  up  like  a  conflagratid  oil  well, 
he  waded  it.  Then  I  felt  that  it  wuz  all  right. 
Then  my  soul  expanded  ;  and  ez  he  went  on,  pilin 
Billinsgate  upon  Billinsgate,  usin  Tennessee  stump 
slang,  improved  by  a  liberal  mixter  uv  the  more 
desprit  variety  he  hed  picked  up  in  Washinton  and 
Baltimore,  I  felt  that  it  wuz  indeed  well  with  us. 
He  wuz  talkin  ez  a  Dimokrat  to  Dimokrats  ;  and  it 
wuz  appreciated.  vStrippin  oft'  all  uv  the  disguise 
he  hed  bin  a  wearin  for  four  years,  —  washin  olf,  in 
rage  and  whisky,  the  varnish  and  putty  with  wich 
he  hed  shined  up  his  dullness,  and  filled  up  the 
cracks  and  cavities  wich  hed  alluz  troubled  him,  — 
he  stood  forth  ez  we  knowd  him  —  Androo  Johnson  ! 
How  he  did  froth  and  foam  !     How  he  did  lash  his 


The  President's  22d  February  Speech.     S3 

late  associates !  and  how  those  Dimokrats  who 
kum  to  Washinton  with  petitions  for  places  in  their 
pockets  did  wink  at  each  other,  and  poke  each  other 
in  the  ribs,  with  exultation  and  jockelarity  wich 
they  cood  not  conceal !  And  how  the  Ablishnists, 
wich  hung  onto  the  outskirts  uv  the  crowd,  in  the 
hope  that  he  wood  declare  himself  in  sich  a  way 
cz  to  give  em  some  hope,  did  walk  away  sorrow- 
fully and  sore,  ez  tho  they  felt  that  they  lied  a  new 
trouble  afore  em  !  And  how  the  soljers  uv  Lee,  and 
the  quartermasters  wich  hed  made  Richmond  their 
headquarters  doorin  the  war,  did  cheer  and  sling 
their  hats  into  the  air,  and  in  the  uncontrollable 
enthoosiasm  uv  the  moment  invariably  snatch  bet- 
ter ones  from  the  heads  uv  the  Northern  men  in  the 
crowd  !     It  wuz  gorgus. 

While  His  Eggslency's  course  gives  me  hope,  I 
don't  want  it  to  be  understood  that  I  am  prepared  to 
fully  and  entirely  indorse  him.  I  don't  go  much  on 
men  who  do  things  in  a  state  uv  madnis  ;  neither  do 
I  invest  heavy  in  that  Dimokrat  wich  requires  an 
extra  load  uv  likker  to  make  him  act  and  talk  like  a 
Dimokrat.  Androo  Johnson  was  and  is  a  Dimo- 
krat—  a  ginooine  Dimokrat.  The  accident  uv  his 
learnin  to  read,  in  his  yooth,  gave  him  a  preemi- 
nence over  us  in  Tennessee,  and  put  him  through 


84  Swing IX  Round  the  Cikkle. 

the  various  places  he  hez  filled.  His  affinities  wuz 
with  us  ;  his  style  wuz  our  style,  and  his  habits  our 
habits  ;  and  he  hed  no  biznis  to  ever  git  out  uv  the 
fold.  I  cannot  forgit  that  he  went  back  on  us  at  a 
critikle  time  in  the  histry  uv  the  party.  He  saw 
that  the  effort  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  South  wuz 
makin  to  regain  their  rites  wood  be  a  failyoor ; 
the  aristocracy  uv  the  South  hed  snubbed  him,  and 
refoozed  to  recognize  him  ;  but  all  this  shood  not 
hev  affected  him.  It's  the  normal  condishn  uv  the 
lower  grade  uv  Dimokrats  to  be  snubbed  ;  and  they 
hev  no  rite  to  inquire  whether  anything  the  aristoc- 
racy uv  the  party  propose  is  goin  to  be  a  failvoor 
or  not.  It's  their  dooty  to  obey  orders  without  ques- 
tionin. 

Wat  spiled  Johnson  wuz  Massachoosits.  He  pre- 
tended to  be  loyal,  and  Massachoosits  patted  him 
on  the  back.  They  took  him  into  good  societv. 
They  let  him  associate  with  Sumner  and  sich,  and 
the  man  became  infatooated.  He  j^ot  to  drinkin  hio-h 
priced  drinks,  and  wearin  clean  shirts,  and  begun  to 
ape  the  manners  uv  those  into  whose  sphere  he  hed 
bin  thrown.  There  wuz  these  two  opposin  forces 
contendin  w  itliin  him — nateral  proclivities  and  ac- 
quired tastes  —  wich  may  be  represented  by  whiskey- 
out  uv  a  jug,  and  mint  joolcps  at  \Vi Hard's.     Mas- 


The  President's  zzd  Fkbkiakv  Spkech.     85 

sychoosits  vvuz  a  piillin  him  up,  and  North  Carolina 
wuz  equally  vigorously  puUin  him  down.  lie 
wantid  to  stay  with  Massychoosits,  but  he  wuz  un- 
comfortable all  the  time  ;  and  finally  nacher  asserted 
her  supremacy,  and  he  broke  over,  and  like  the 
water  long  confined  in  a  dam,  when  its  bustid  its 
obstructions,  and  goes,  it  goes  with  a  loosenis,  and 
tears  up,  and  takes  a  very  large  quantity  uv  dirt  and 
drift  wood  with  it. 

Before  I  tie  myself  to  A.  J.,  I  want  to  know  fcr 
certin  what  he  proposes  to  do.  Who  is  to  hev 
THE  Post  Offisis?  Is  Ablishnists  to  still  retain 
the  places  uv  trust  and  profit?  Does  he  propose 
to  organize  a  new  party,  made  up  uv  sich  Republi- 
kins  ez  he  can  indoose  to  foller  him  and  the  Dimoc- 
risy?  Ef  so,  I  ain't  in.  Decidedly,  I  ain't  in.  Em- 
phatically, count  me  out.  For  the  reason,  that  he 
kin  git  jist  enufi'  Republikins,  percisely,  and  no 
more,  to  fill  the  offisis,  and  they  will  be  uv  sich  a 
character  ez  will  do  the  Dimokrisy  no  credit.  I 
won't  be  tail  to  no  kite.  We  are  willin  to  play  kite  ; 
but  tail,  never  !  Ef  we  boost  An^lroo  Johnson,  An- 
droo  Johnson  must  boost  us.  Does  he  think  we 
kin  carry  sich  a  load  ez  he  is  for  nothin  ?  Nary. 
Ef  we  hev  a  consoornin  desire  to  git  along  with- 
out offisis,  we  are  doin  very  well  at  that  now,  we 


86  SwiNGiN   Round  tup:  Cirkle. 

thank  you  ;  and  we  haven't  the  responsibility  uv 
the  Administration  uv  a  eggstremely  shaky  man  to 
carry.     Sich  loads  must  be  paid  for. 

But,  after  all,  I  hev  hopes.  He  hez  cut  hisself 
loose  from  Sumner  and  Stevens  ;  and  in  less  than  a 
week  every  Republikin  uv  modrit  sensibilities  will 
be  aboozin  uv  him  to  that  extent  that  he  won't  be 
able  to  git  back  agin.  He's  an  animal  uv  the  bull 
kind  ;  and  criticism  and  opposition  is  to  him  the 
red  flag  wich  the  Spanish  matadors,  I  bleeve  they 
call  em,  waves  afore  the  animals  they  wish  to  infoo- 
riate,  and  they  may  drive  him  into  our  ranks. 

I  wait,  and  watch,  and  hope.  Ef  I  kin  wunst  git 
a  commission,  with  the  broad  seel  uv  the  Postmaster 
General  onto  it,  confirmin  me  in  the  possession  uv 
the  Post  orifis  at  the  Corners,  I  shel  bless  the  day 
that  Androo  Johnson  left  us,  and  prokoored  his  ele- 
vation to  the  Presidency.    May  the  day  be  hastened  ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


A  Warning.  87 


XIII. 

A^iother  Wa7'7ti7ig.  — Profuse  ExpeTiditure  of  Pow- 
de)'  a?zd  Toi'chllght  Processio7ts  dep7'ecated,  — 
The  Preside7it  implored  to  show  his  HaTid. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  of  Kentucky),  > 

February  29,  1866.      J 

I  NOTICE,  all  over  the  North,  the  Democrisy  is 
a  firin  guns,  and  marchin  after  brass  bands,  and 
hirin  halls  for  endorsin  Androo  Johnson.  Ez  a  sen- 
tinel on  the  watch-tower,  I  protest ! 

In  the  name  uv  suftrin  Kentucky,  uv  wich  State  I 
am  a  adopted  sitizen,  I  protest ! 

In  the  name  uv  common  sense  and  ordnary  polit- 
ikle  sagassity,  I  protest ! 

Androo  Johnson  may  possibly  be  on  the  high  road 
to  Dimocrisy  ;  but,  ez  yet,  what  ashoorence  hev  we? 
Am  I  datin  my  letters  from  "  Post  Orifis,  Confedrit 
X  Roads?"  Hez  there  bin,  as  yit,  any  well  authen- 
ticated case  uv  the  removal  uv  a  Ablishnist,  and  the 
apintment  uv  a  constooshnel  Democrat  in  his  stead? 


88  SwixGix  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Not  that  I  hcv  heard  of.  Per  contrary,  the  Ablish- 
nists  —  them  ez  wuz  apinted  by  Linkin  —  are  still 
holdin  on,  cz  calm  ez  a  summer  mornin,  without 
any  apparent  fear  uv  an}^  change  affectin  them. 

Who  pays  for  the  Halls?  Who  pays  the  music? 
Who  pays  the  Powder?  Dimocrats  who  do  these 
scent  Post  Offises  in  the  distanse.  Are  they  like  the 
the  war  hoss  in  Job's  writins,  who  smelled  the  bat- 
tle afar  off,  and  remarked  Ha,  Ha  !  to  the  trumpets  ? 
Let  mc  enticet  sich  that  they  kin  make  a  better  in- 
vestment uv  their  means. 

The  cost  uv  one  meetin,  put  in  korn  whisky,  wood 
not  only  solace  theirselves,  but  start  half  a  dozen 
Ablishnists  on  the  road  to  Dimocrisy. 

Men  is  deceptive.  I  hev  hopes  uv  Androo  John- 
son myself,  and  principally  becoz  Vallandigum  and 
Fernandy  Wood  hev  hopes.  Them  buzzards  kin 
smell  carrion  a  long  distance,  and  they  are  seldom 
at  fault.  In  this  case,  they  may  be.  They  base  their 
hopes  on  Johnson's  speech,  at  Washington,  on  the 
22d.  There  may  be  suthin  in  it ;  but  ain't  it  possible 
that  the  stench  wich  they  took  for  Dimocrisy,  and 
wich  they  sposed  cum  from  Johnson,  ariz  from  them 
ez  surrounded  him? 

''  But,"  sez  a  Dimocrat,  whose  nose,  from  long 
continued  lack  of  supplies,  hez  softened  down  from 


A  Warning.  89 

a  generous  crimson  to  a  ghastly  bloo,  and  who 
woodcnt  hev  a  small  Post  orifis  at  no  price,  cf  it 
wiiznt  offered  him,  "  look  at  the  class  he  spoke 
to." 

Wat  noncents !  Androo  wuz  mad.  There  wuz 
a  mass  uv  bile  on  hiz  politikle  stumick  wich  must 
be  got  rid  uv.  He  had  s»m  nasty  things  to  say,  and 
it  wuz  a  jDart  uv  the  eternal  fitness  uv  things  that  he 
shood  hev  a  nasty  audience  to  say  em  to. 

I  don't  propose  to  go  orf  into  spasms  over  the 
present  sitooashun.  Johnson  proposes  to  continoo 
the  Freedmens'  Buro,  and  hczn't  no  noshun  of  re- 
peelin  the  test  oath,  or  uv  drawin  the  military  out 
uv  the  Dimocratik  States.  So  far  as  heard  from, 
we  uv  the  South  is  still  in  a  stait  of  abject  custitood. 
Our  habis  corpuses  wich  Linkin  took  away  from  us 
hevn't  bin  returned,  and  we  are  obleeged  to  git  along 
ez  best  we  kin  without  em.  I  knocked  down  a 
small  nigger  yisterday,  for  the  purpus  uv  assertin 
the  sooperiority  uv  the  Cauchashun  race  over  the 
Afrikin,  and  wuz  to  wunst  hauled  up  afore  a  Freed- 
mcn's  Buro,  and  fined.  Our  high-toned  and  chival- 
rous members  are  exclooded  from  Congris  on  the 
frivolus  plea  that  they  wuz  kernels  and  briggydeer 
Ginerals  in  the  Confederit  servis ;  and  all  these  out- 


90  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

ragis  agin  Dimocrisy  Androo  Johnson,  by  permittin, 
absolootly  approves. 

I  could  probably  swaller  all  these  things.  I  am  a 
Dimokrat  uv  thirty  years  standin,  and,  uv  course, 
hev  bin  on  both  sides  uv  every  politikle  fence.  The 
seats  of  my  politikle  pants  is  full  of  slivers.  But, 
before  I  take  down  these  things,  I  WANT  TO 
KNOW  WHAT  I  AM  GOIN  TO  GIT  FOR 
IT.  Ef  Androo  Johnson  goes  back  on  his  party 
and  his  pledges,  he,  uv  course,  asks  us  to  go  back 
on  ourn.  In  sich  transactions,  where  both  parties, 
by  bein  engaged  in  it  at  all,  confess  themselves  ruth- 
er  a  low  grade  of  skoundrels,  I  think  it  well  enuff  to 
hev  the  consideration  j^aid  down. 

Ef  Androo  Johnson  w^ants  me,  he  knows  the 
terms.  I  am  his  to  command,  for  a  consideration  ; 
ez  much  so  ez  is  the  thousands  uv  Demokrats  who 
hev  bin,  for  the  past  week,  gittin  up  Demonstrations. 
But  I  want  suthin  to  go  on.  When  I  hev  his  per- 
misson,  under  the  broad  seel  uv  the  Post  Orfis  De- 
partment, to  write  ''P.  M."  after  my  illustrious 
name,  I  shell  be  prepared  to  wade  in.  I  hev  bin 
huntin  up  several  reasons  for  supportin  him.  I  hev 
cm  all  ready.  I  only  want  this  additional  one,  and 
then  I  fling  my  banner  to  the  breeze.  Faith  is  sed 
to  be  the  sun  of  all  religious  systems.     Post  Offis 


A  Warning.  oi 

is  the  central  figgcr  in  all  Democratic  creeds  —  the 
theme  uv  conversation  by  day,  and  the  stajDle  uv 
dreems  by  night.     How  long  !  oh,  how  lono- ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


92  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XIV. 

Refuses  to  Support  the  P?'esident^  havhig  7zo 
Co7ifide7tce  in  Hiin.  —  Again  "joams  the  De* 
mocracy. 

CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS       ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 
March  12,  1866.      ) 

THE  politikle  sky  is  orecast  with  friteful  clouds. 
Darkness  is  on  the  face  uv  the  waters.  The 
waves  is  a  rolHn  mountin  high,  the  htenin  flashes 
ominous  thro  the  gloom,  and  the  deep-mouthed 
thunder  mutters  angrily  in  the  distants.  Ez  a  senti- 
nel on  the  watch-tower,  I  look  out,  and  what  do  I 
see?  I  see  the  old  ship  uv  State  loaded  down  with 
a  valuable  cargo  uv  Post-offices,  Collectorships,  and 
sich,  a  laborin  in  the  trough  uv  the  sea,  her  bow- 
sprit cove  in,  her  top-gallant  lanyards  bustid,  her 
jib-boom  a  flutterin  in  the  gale,  her  capstan  spliced, 
and  her  sheet  anker  torn  to  ribbons.  (Not  hevin 
bin  a  sailor,  only  ez  a  driver  on  the  Wabash  Kanal, 
it  is  possible  my  nautikle  terms  may  not  be  alto- 
gether correct.     But  it  makes  no  difference  in  the 


Refuses  to  Support  the  President.      93 

interior  uv  Kentucky.)  She  is  strivin  to  make  her 
harbor,  and  is  workin  manfully.  Close  behind  her 
is  the  long,  low,  rakish  skooner  Dimocrisy,  with  all 
sale  set,  a  tryin  her  best  to  overtake  her  and  board 
her.  For  a  time  it  seemed  ez  tho  she  wood  be  suc- 
cessful, but  alas !  she  is  fallin  astern,  and  every  min- 
nit  the  distance  between  em  is  a  widenin,  widenin, 
widenin,  and  at  present  writin  there  ain't  the  re- 
motest prospect  uv  their  gettin  within  hailin  distance 
uv  each  other. 

To  drop  mettafor  (wich,  by  the  way,  I  kin  jerk 
when  I  feel  so  disposed),  the  prospect  isn't  ez  en- 
couragin  ez  it  wuz,  and  I  fear,  in  fact  I  feel  certain, 
that  the  short  cut  to  offis  wich  the  Democrisy  thought 
it  had  found  through  Androo  Johnson's  veto,  is  reely 
the  longest  way  round.  I  cannot  understand  what 
indoost  the  Dimocratic  leaders,  our  chosin  standard- 
bearers,  to  make  sich  egrejus  asses  uv  theirselves  ez 
to  place  enny  dependence  on  Johnson  at  all.  What 
cood  they  hev  bin  thinkin  uv?  Wuz  not  our  experi- 
ence in  1S64  sufficient  to  deter  cm  from  makin  any 
experiment  wich  involved  abandonment  uv  any  uv 
our  principles?  Didn't  we,  in  the  hope  uv  ketchin 
Abolition  war  votes,  nominate  MickLellan,  and 
didn't  the  war  men  jeer  us,  and  flout  us,  and  say, 
"  Behold,  we  hev  better  war  men  uv  our  own  ;  why 


94  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

►shood  we  leave  home  to  find  that  uv  wich  we  hev  a 
plenty  ?  "  When  Androo  Johnson,  in  a  lit  uv  tem- 
porary indignashun,  split  on  Sumner,  why  did  our 
people,  like  idiots,  pick  him  up,  and  endorse  him 
without  givin  the  matter  matoor  considerashun  — 
without  waitin  for  the  fax?  Didn't  they  know  that 
Sumner  wuz  a  sort  uv  a  dose  uv  calomel,  wich 
worked  on  the  President's  liver,  and  necessitated 
the  discharge  uv  all  the  offensive  matter  wich  hed 
accumulated  doorin  his  long  term  uv  Dimocrisy? 
Uv  course  it  wuz,  and  to-day  Androo  Johnson, 
hevin  in  that  speech  got  rid  uv  the  last  vestidge  uv 
Dimocrisy  wich  infected  him,  comes  up  a  stronger 
man  agin  us  than  ever.  We  made  two  errors  :  On 
the  4th  uv  March,  1865,  at  his  inoggerashun,  when 
he  made  a  spectacle  uv  hisself,  we  murmured  gently 
to  ourselves,  "  It's  all  right !  he's  yet  wun  uv  us." 
And  we  sed  the  same  after  the  splurge  uv  the  22d 
uv  February  last.  Oh,  my  friends,  they  wuz  both 
fatal  ej'rors.  Them  spasms  wuz  the  efforts  uv  a 
noble  nacher  a  tryin  to  git  rid  uv  Locofocoism,  and 
from  the  fact  that  he  immejitely  after  commenst  a 
missellaneously  apintin  Abilishnists  and  Republi- 
cans to  offiscs,  and  hczn't  showed  a  sine  uv  a  dispo- 
sition to  extend  his  hand  to  a  single  confidin  Demo- 
crat, it's  my  opinion  he's  succeeded. 


Refuses  to  Support  the  President.      95 

We  bet  too  heavy  on  the  fight  atwccn  the  Presi- 
dent and  Sumner.  Sumner  is  ordained  to  alluz  hev 
a  gong  uv  sum  kind,  which  he  is  also  ordained  to 
keep  perpetually  a  poundin.  He's  bin  for  several 
years  amusin  hisself  a  poundin  the  Dimocrisy,  and 
when  there  wuzn't  enuff  uv  that  to  make  it  inter- 
estin,  he  turned  on  Johnson,  and  he'll  pound  at  him 
till  suthin  else  excites  his  wrath.  He's  a  Spanish 
bull,  possessin  sharp  horns,  and  a  immense  amount 
uv  strength  and  agility,  which  he  is  continooally  a 
wastin  by  jumpin  at  sich  red  flags  ez  are  mischeevusly 
waved  afore  him.  He's  jest  ez  apt  to  gore  his  frends 
ez  his  enemies,  and  his  lungin  at  Johnson  wuz  no 
sign  that  Johnson  had  gone  back  on  Ablishnism. 

But  enuft'  uv  this.  Scnce  it  hez  become  a  fixed 
fact  that  the  boorish  tailor,  who  now  by  accident 
okkepies  the  place  uv  the  marter  Linkin,  made 
vacant  by  his  untimely  death  by  the  hand  uv  a  vile 
assassin  (whose  only  redeemin  trait  wuz  that  he 
wuz  a  stanch,  uncompromisin  Dimocrat),  —  now,  I 
say,  that  it's  plain  that  this  drunken  sot  ain't  agoin 
to  distribute  the  patronage  amongst  us  who  need  it 
so  much,  I  ask,  in  indignashun,  wat  is  it  that  we  are 
asked  to  endorse? 

He  proposes  to  continue  the  Freedmen's  Buro 
bizness. 


96  S^\^NGIN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

He  refooses  to  withdraw  the  military  from  the 
Dimokratic  vStates. 

He  refooses  to  restore  to  our  sufferin  brethren  uv 
the  Dimocratic  States  the  habis  corpusses  wich  the 
tyrant  Linkin  wrested  from  them. 

He  keeps  Jefferson  Davis  a  pinin  in  a  loathsome 
dungeon,  and  only  refooses  to  bring  him  to  trial 
becoz,  4sooth,  he  haint  yet  got  things  in  the  right 
shape  to  hang  him. 

I  cood  enumerate  other  insults  and  opressions  he 
hez  piled  upon  Dimocrats,  but  I  forbear.  I  might, 
if  I  wuz  disposed  to  harrow  up  the  Dimocratic  sole 
and  lasserate  the  Dimocratic  bosom,  state  how  I  wuz 
treated,  when,  on  the  24th  uv  Febrooary  last  I  made 
a  delegashun  uv  myself,  and  went  to  Washington  for 
the  purpose  uv  layin  before  him  the  necessity  uv  the 
removal  uv  the  postmaster  at  the  Corners,  and  the 
apintment  uv  myself  in  his  stead.  I  found  that  his 
speech  had  reached  all  other  parts  uv  the  Yoonited 
States  ez  soon  ez  it  hed  Kentucky,  for  there  wuz 
suthin  over  a  hundred  thousand  stanch  Dimocrats 
there,  all  with  petitions  noomerously  signed,  wich 
they  hed  held  over  from  Bookannon's  administra- 
tion, recommendin  uv  em  to  places.  How-  wuz  we 
reseeved?  How  did  Androo  Johnson  treet  us?  I 
mite    say  how  emphatically  I  wuz    shoved    out  uv 


Refuses  to  Support  the  President.      97 

his  room,  and  with  what  reckless  profanity  I  heerd 
him  remark  that  Washington  had  stunk  with  secesh 
ever  since  he  vetoed  the  bill  ;  that  that  foolish 
speech  had  acted  on  the  whole  country  like  a  puke, 
and  that  each  State  had  spewed  its  foulest  material 
onto  Washington,  and  that  the  atmosphere  wuz 
heavy  with  their  breath,  et  settry,  et  settry,  but  I 
forbear. 

Suffice  it  to  say  that  the  few  Democratic  members 
uv  Congress  had  hard  work  borrowin  money  enuff 
to  git  the  most  spectable  uv  the  crowd  home  agin, 
and  even  then  thousands  uv  em  who  wuz  drawed 
there  by  that  speech,  shoor  uv  apintments,  wuz 
obliged  to  walk  home  ignominiously,  uv  whom  I 
wuz  which. 

Androo  Johnson  may  be  worthy  uv  Dimocratic 
support,  but  he  hez  a  queer  way  uv  showin  it.  I 
know  not  wat  others  may  do,  but  ez  for  me  and  my 
household  I'll  run  after  no  strange  gods.  Ef  he 
wants  us,  let  him  call  on  us  in  language  wich  we 
kin  understand. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 

7 


98  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XV. 

The  Patriarchal  System.  —  An  Affecting  Appeal 
in  Behalf  of  a  Friend. 

CONFEDERIT    X    ROADS       ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ? 
March  19,  1866.      ) 

YESTERDAY  I  happened  to  pick  up  a  kopy 
uv  a  friteful  depraved  Ablishin  paper,  and  my 
horror-stricken  eyes  wuz  glued  to  the  follerin  pas- 
sage, which  I  read  :  — 

"  I  am  happy  to  state  to  you  that  our  free  negroes 
are  doing  finely.  We  have  no  trouble  with  them. 
They  have  all  gone  to  work  manfully.  They  give 
an  impetus  to  trade  that  we  never  before  had.  I 
have  sold  John  Guttle's  negroes,  this  year  and  last, 
more  goods  than  I  ever  sold  Guttle,  and  he  owned 
two  hundred  and  fifty  slaves.  So  you  see  the  free 
negro  system  is  working  well  with  us." 

Ez  I  peroozed  them  lines,  tears  started  involun- 
tarily from  my  bcamin  eyes,  and  coursed  in  torrents 
down    my  venerable  checks.     I  know  John  Guttle 


The  Patriarchal  System.  99 

well,  I  may  say  intimately.  He  wuz  a  dear  friend, 
—  one  iiv  the  few  vvich  I  kail  friend  in  the  most 
catholic  and  comprehensive  sense  uv  the  word.  He 
holds  my  note  fur  eighteen  dollars  and  63  cents  ;  and 
I  hev  sumwhere  among  my  papers,  wich  I  have 
alluz  carefully  preserved  for  reference,  a  memoran- 
dum uv  his  address,  that  I  might  be  shoor  not  to 
forget  to  send  it  to  him.  I  give  him  the  note  becoz 
he  furnished  the  paper,  and  it  made  him  easy  in  his 
mind  —  I  put  down  the  memorandum  bekoz  it 
looked  business-like.  Benevolence  is  a  prominent 
trait  in  my  karacter.  When  givin  my  note  for 
borrered  money  will  do  a  man  good,  I  never  be- 
grudge the  trouble  uv  writin  it. 

But  wat  I  wuz  a  goin  to  say  wuz,  that  the  feend- 
ishnis  uv  that  item  passes  belief.  The  writer  puts 
it  in  print  to  show  that  the  Ablishn  uv  slavry  bene- 
fitted sumbody.  I  grant  him  that  the  merchant, 
who  undoubtedly  wuz  born  in  Massachusetts,  wuz 
benefitted  by  the  change  ;  so  are  the  greesy  mechan- 
ics who  are  now  pollutin  the  soil  uv  Alabama  ;  and 
so,  probably,  are  the  250  niggers  ;  but,  in  the  name 
uv  Liberty,  in  the  name  uv  Justice,  in  the  name  uv 
the  Constertooshun  uv  the  Yoonited  States,  and  the 
flag  uv  our  Common  Country,  I  ask,  How  about 
John  Guttle? 


loo  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

John  Guttle  is  robbed.  John  Guttle  is  deprived 
uv  his  property.  The  bred  is  taken  from  John  Gut- 
tie's  mouth  ;  his  staff  is  broken  ;  his  dependence  is 
gone  ;  he  is  bereft. 

Never  shall  I  forget  John  Guttle  or  his  hospitable 
mansion,  ez  I  knowed  it  in  the  happy  year  afore  the 
crooel  war.  He  wuz  a  gentleman  uv  the  old  skool 
—  one  uv  the  few  left  us  in  these  degenerate  days. 
His  home  wuz  wun  uv  unalloyed  happiness.  Situ- 
ated just  back  uv  Mobeel,  he  had  the  finest  planta- 
shun  in  that  section,  and  hed  on  it  250  niggers.  All 
shades  wuz  represented.  There  wuz  the  coal-black 
Cuffee,  v/hose  feechers  denoted  the  pure  Afrikin, 
and  whose  awkward  manners  showed  that  he  wuz 
not  long  from  Afrika.  There  wuz  the  civilized  mu- 
latto, in  whose  veins  the  Guttle  blood  showed  ;  the 
quadroon,  in  whom  the  good  old  Guttle  blood  pre- 
dominated ;  and  the  octoroon,  which  wuz  mostly 
Guttle.  The  Guttleses  wuz  eminently  a  Christian 
generation.  They  wuz  devoutly  pious ;  and  there 
never  wuz  one  uv  the  name  wlio  cood  not  repeat, 
without  the  book,  all  uv  the  texts  bcarin  on  slavery. 
The  passages  in  which  Onesimus  and  Hager  figger 
wuz  favorites  with  em  ;  but  on  "  cussid  be  Canaan" 
they  wuz  strong.  For  generations  they  had  mourned 
over  the  hard  fate  uv  the  sons  uv  Ham,  doomed  to 


The  Patriarchal  System.  ioi 

perpetooal  bondage  becoz  uv  the  sin  uv  their  father ; 
and  with  a  missionary  spirit  ckaled  by  few  and  ex- 
celled by  none,  they  did  their  part  towards  redoosin 
that  cuss,  by  makin  ez  many  of  em  ez  possible  half- 
bruthers  to  the  more  fiivored  race  iiv  Japhet,  and 
thus  bringing  uv  em  out  uv  the  cuss  ;  and  they  had 
mellered  the  color  uv  their  charges  down  from  the 
hideous  black  to  a  bright  yeller.  Under  the  old 
patriarkle  system,  time  passed  orf  smoothly  and 
pleasantly  with  the  Guttle  family.  Them  250  nig- 
gers wuz  obliged,  uv  course,  to  w^ork,  and  their  la- 
bor wuz  money.  John  bought  each  uv  the  male 
sons  uv  Ham  too  soots  uv  close  per  annum,  and 
eacli  uv  the  female  sons  uv  Ham  one  soot.  It  wuz 
considered  healthy  for  the  young  ones  to  go  naked, 
w^hich  they  w^uz  religiously  allowed  to  do,  ez  none 
uv  the  Guttles  uv  that  family  wood  do  any  thing 
agin  nater  or  her  laws.  The  girls  hed  pianos,  and 
wuz  educated  at  the  North  ;  the  boys  waiz  celebrat- 
ed for  horse  racing  and  their  skill  at  losin  money  at 
faro.  They  wuz  hospitable  and  generous  to  a  fault. 
Their  house  waiz  open  house,  and  their  beverages 
wuz  alluz  the  best.  Money  wuz  no  objick  to  them  ; 
for  when  they  had  a  severe  attack  of  poker,  or  faro, 
or  boss  racin,  they  hed  plenty  uv  octoroons  and 
quadroons,  w^ith  the  real  Guttle  nose,  wich  brand 


I02  SvviNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

^vuz  well  known  in  Noo  Orleans,  and  wood  alluz 
command  the  highest  possible  figger  that  wuz  paid 
in  that  market ;  or,  cf  the}^  had  no  more  than  they 
wanted  at  home  iiv  that  style,  why,  a  few  field  hands 
wood  be  sold,  and  the  remainin  ones  wood  be  per- 
suaded by  the  overseer  to  do  the  work  uv  the  whole. 
John  Guttle's  sons  wuz  all  in  the  Confederit  army. 
His  daughters,  willin  to  sacrifice  every  thing  fur  the 
cause,  heroically  pledged  theirselves  to  whip  the 
niggers  theirselves  doorin  their  absence. 

Now  all  is  changed  !  A  shadder  hez  fallen  across 
that  peaceful  home.  The  nigger  quarters  is  there, 
but  the  niggers  is  not.  The  broad  plantashun  is  di- 
vided up  into  small  farms,  and  half  uv  it  is  owned 
by  Ablishnists  from  the  North,  who  work  theirselves, 
and  who  hev  a  meetin  house  on  one  corner  uv  it, 
and  the  niggers  a  skool  house  on  the  tother.  The 
race  track  is  plowed  up  and  in  cotton  ;  the  whippin- 
post  and  the  stocks  is  taken  down  and  burned  ;  all, 
all  the  evidences  uv  civilizashun  hez  faded  afore  the 
ruthless  hand  of  the  invader.  John  Guttle — that 
generous  old  man  —  subsists  by  the  labor  uv  his  own 
hands.  One  uv  his  sons  ekes  out  a  miserable  exist- 
ence running  a  dray  in  iNlobecl  ;  another,  who  is 
gifted  with  no  ordinary  intelleck,  earns  a  respectable 
livin  playin  seven-up,  in  a  small  way,  with  his  for- 


The  Patriarchal  System.  103 

mer  niggers  ;  and  the  two  girls  is  runnin  a  sewing 
masheen. 

Talk  not  to  me  uv  benefits.  What  is  a  dozen 
tradesmen  and  two  hundred  and  fifty  niggers  to  the 
gellorious  old  Dimocratic  John  Guttle?  What  is 
the  interest  uv  a  dozen  or  so  uv  Noo  England  me- 
chanics, and  the  niggers  aforesaid,  when  compared 
to  that  glorious  aristocracy  which  can  never  exist 
beside  em  ?  Kin  I  go  and  ^orrer  eighteen  dollars 
and  sixty-three  cents  uv  one  uv  them  ?  No.  Becoz, 
working  for  their  paltry  livins,  they  place  a  higher 
valyoo  on  money,  and  will  not  spread  it  around  ez 
profoosely  ez  the  noble  race  which  preceded  em. 

Another  great  wrong  is  done  in  this  settin  free  uv 
John  Guttle's  niggers.  John  Guttle  hez,  uv  course, 
no  further  interest  in  the  Dimocratic  party.  Slavery 
wuz  the  umbillikle  cord  which  imited  the  Southern 
slaveholder  and  the  Northern  Dimocrat ;  and,  that 
cord  cut,  why  hez  John  Guttle  any  more  interest  in 
Dimocracy?  We  stood  ez  a  Chinese  wall  between 
them  and  the  rushin  flood  uv  Ablishn  fanaticism  ; 
and  we  made  the  wall  biznis  pay.  They  furnished 
money,  and  we  did  the  work  ;  and,  there  bein  but 
few  uv  us,  the  orfisis  wuz  easily  divided.  Alas  !  our 
okepashin's  gone.  The  South  is  forever  lost  to  us  ; 
for  she  has  no  dirty  work  for  us  to  do. 


I04  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

I  appeal  to  the  Yoonited  States  uv  America.  In 
behalf  uv^  John  Guttle,  I  say,  give  him  back  his 
niggers.  In  behalf  uv  the  Dimocrisy  North  who 
are  out  uv  employment,  give  him  back  his  niggers. 
In  behalf  uv  his  son  who  is  runnin  a  dray,  give  him 
back  his  niggers.  In  behalf  uv  his  daughters  runnin 
a  sewin  machine,  give  him  back  his  niggers.  Make 
things  Normal  agin.  Like  John  the  Baptist,  the 
Government  shall  hear  the  voice  uv  one  howlin  in 
the  wilderness  until  all  these  is  done. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


A  Dream.  105 


XVI. 


A  Dreaui.  —  The  Corpse  of  MefublicanisTn.  — 
Who  the  JMouriiers  ive7'e^  a?td  how  they  felt.  — 
The  awakening  of  the  Sleepifig  Gia?it^  and  the 
Scattering  that  followed. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  S- 

March  30,  1866.      ) 

IHEV  bin  to  Washinton.  That  Ablishn  Post- 
master at  the  Corners  had  become  to  me  a  nite- 
mare.  Day  after  day  I  seed  him  a  handhn  guvment 
money,  drawin  his  salery  promptly,  and  takin  his 
drinks  rcglerly,  while  I,  a  Constooshnel  Dimekrat, 
a  supporter  uv  our  great  and  good  President,  wuz 
forced  to  the  humiliashun  uv  waitin  till  I  wuz 
treated,  ceptin  when  a  new  grocery  keeper  cum  in, 
which  gave  me  a  chance  to  establish  a  credit  for  a 
short  time.  I  felt  that  sumthin  must  be  done,  and 
therefore  I  went  to  Washinton. 

Knowin  that  for  men  uv  my  profound  convick- 
shins,  holdin  my  views  ez  to  consiliashcn  and  sich, 


ic6  bwixGix  Round  the  Cirkle. 

I  hed  no  call  to  go  to  the  Postmaster-General,  who 
is  a  Ablishnist,  I  went  dreckly  to  the  Second  Jaxon 
hissclf.  I  succeeded  in  gettin  a  audience  late  in  the 
afternoon.  Our  patron  saint  wuz  a  sittin  at  a  table, 
cggsausted  with  receevin  delegashens  and  sich. 

^'  Well,"  sed  he. 

"  Plonerd  and  spected  sir,"  said  I,  "  I  am  a  appli- 
cant for  the  post  orfis  at  Confedrit  X  Roads,  wich 
is  at  present  held  by  a  Ablishnist  who  does  not  be- 
leeve  in  yoor  policy,  wich  I  do  beleeve  in  solemnly. 
Spected  and  honered  sir,"  sed  I,  "  ef  I  shood  have 
twins  born  to  me  this  nite,  I  shood  name  em  both 
Policy." 

"  Wich  State  are  3-00  from?  "  sed  he,  half  asleep. 

"  From  Kentucky,  honered  and  spected  sir," 
sed  I. 

"  Well,"  sed  he,  yawnin  feerfully,  and  turnin  to  a 
clerk,  "  Fill  out  a  pardon,  and  give  him  a  com- 
mission ! " 

"  Honered  and  spected  sir,"  sed  I,  in  a  fit  of  loo- 
nacy  for  wich  I  can't  account,  "  I  don't  need  a  par- 
don. I  wuz  never  in  the  late  lamented  Confedrit 
scrvis." 

"  What'n  thunder,  then,  are  yoo  here  for,  beggin 
a  post  offis?  Git  out,  yoo  imposter !  "  and  I  wuz 
too  wunst    ignominiously    showed    to   the   door.     I 


A  Dream.  107 

didn't  quite  understand  the  lay  uv  the  hind  around 
the  White  House. 

In  vane  I  tried  to  git  back,  that  I  might  convince 
him  I  did  cz  much  for  the  Confcderasy  ez  my  hum- 
ble abilities  permitted,  and  that  I  needed  consiliatin 
ez  badly  ez  anybody.  Then,  hart  broke  and  dead 
broke,  not  heving  the  wherewith  to  prokoor  more 
sootable  lodgin,  I  la}-  me  down  on  the  cold  stun 
steps,  and  sought  refuge  from  my  troubles  in  sleep. 

I  drecmed  a  dream.  Methawt  I  wuz  in  a  room 
in  the  White  House.  Stretched  out  on  one  side  uv 
the  room  wuz  the  corpse  uv  a  giant,  a  monster  in 
size  and  strength,  but  withal  uv  a  pleasin  presence, 
and  fair  to  look  upon.  Onto  its  head  was  a  liberty 
cap,  and  by  its  side  wuz  a  sword,  considerabl}'- 
dinted,  and  with  all  the  gildin  knocked  off. 

"Wat  is  these?"  sed  I,  pointin  to  the  corpse, 
askin  a  sort  uv  a  attendant. 

"  Them,"  replied  he,  "  is  the  defunct  carcass  uv 
Republikinism.  He  was  a  hefty  yooth  in  his  day, 
but  he  died  this  mornin.  Look  !  the  mourners  arc 
a  comin  to  divide  his  clothes." 

And  shoor  enuff,  they  came  in.  At  the  head  wuz 
the  second  Jaxon,  which  the  Ablishnists  derisively 
call  Moses,  who  appeared  to  be  angry,  and  clost 
behind  him  w^uz  vSeward,  a  weepin  out  uv  one  eye. 


loS  SwixGix  Round  the  Cirkle. 

and  a  smilin  out  uv  tother,  and  Jim  Lane,  who  hed 
a  handkcrchcr  wich  he  occasionally  put  to  his  eyes, 
but  wich  I  notist  wuz  ez  dry  ez  a  lime  kiln,  and 
Doolittle,  and  Lee,  and  Raymond,  and  Beauregard, 
and  Cowan,  and  Stephens,  and  Thurlow  Weed,  and 
Vallandigham,  and  Governor  Sharkey,  and  a  host  uv 
others,  all  uv  wich  ranged  theirselves  around  the  bier. 

''  He  wuz  a  promisin  yooth,"  sed  Seward,  a  put- 
tin  his  handkercher  to  his  eyes,  "  but  the  atmosphere 
uv  the  White  House  wuz  too  much  for  him.  I 
insist,  however,"  sed  he,  a  pocketin  the  handker- 
cher, and  takin  hold  uv  a  tiinket  the  corpse  held  in 
his  hand,  labelled  "  Presidency,  1868,"  from  which 
hung  mor'n  a  million  uv  smaller  trinkets,  *'  that  ez 
'tw-as  me  that  pizened  him,  this  is  mine." 

"  Nary,"  sed  Johnson  ;  "  I  did  the  biziness  for 
him,  and  it's  mine." 

"  Settle  it  ez  yoo  please,"  sed  Raymond,  gently, 
"  but  whoever  gits  it  must  remember  that  this  Sec- 
retaryship is  mine." 

"  And  I,"  sed  Doolittle,  "  must  hev,  for  m}-  assist- 
ance, this  little  affair  marked  '  St.  James,'  for  my 
seat  in  the  Senit  is  a  goner." 

"  For  my  part,"  sed  Jim  Lane,  ''  the  western  ap- 
pointments is  mine.  Its  worth  cm  all  to  wear  this 
collar." 


A  Dream. 


[09 


"  My  friends,"  sed  Stephens,  "  I  find  no  amnesty 
about  the  corpse.  There  must  be  one  manufactured 
and  stuck  in  his  pocket,  to  be  prodoost  at  the 
funeral." 

Thurlow  Weed  sed  nothin,  but  looked  on  with  a 
sardonic  smile,  knowin  perfeckly  well  that  whoever 
took  the  biggest  part  uv  the  plunder,  he'd  control  it, 
any  way. 

Governor  Sharkey  laid  claim  to  a  secretaryship, 
and  Boregard  to  the  place  uv  Sherman,  and  Lee  to 
Grant's  position,  and  Vallandigham  wanted  this, 
and  tother  feller  that,  and  there  wuz  a  terrible  hub- 
bub over  the  corpse.  Wilkes  Booth's  gost  came  in, 
and  wanted  to  know  what  he  wuz  to  hev  in  the  new 
deal,  "  for,"  sed  he,  "  eft  hadn't  bin  for  me,  v/here'd 
yoo  all  hev  bin  ?  Talk  uv  the  White  House  atmos- 
phere killin  him !  I'm  sure  the  shadder  uv  the 
buildin  blasted  what  little  uv  his  spirit  yoo  hed,"  sed 
he,  a  turnin  to  Seward,  "  but  ef  Linkin  hed  lived,  ha, 
ha  !  "  sed  he,  in  a  tragedy  voise.  Then  in  trooped  a 
lot  uv  other  gosts.  There  wuz  Bill  Allen,  uv  Ohio, 
and  Washington  Hunt,  uv  Noo  York,  and  Jeems 
Bookannon,  uv  Pennsylvania,  and  Eli  Thayer,  and 
Lew.  Campbell,  and  Garret  Davis,  who  started  to 
make  a  speech,  but  the  entire  assemblage  stuck  their 
fingers  in  their  ears,  wich  hint  he  took  for  the  first 
time  in  his  life,  and  desisted. 


no  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Finally  Johnson  swore  "  by  the  eternal"  (he  got 
that  noshun  from  the  first  A.  J.,  wich  he  thinks  he 
resembles,  coz  his  innitials  is  the  same,  and  coz  the 
original  vetoed  a  bill  wunst)  that  he  wood  hev  the 
Presidency,  and  gobbled  it.  Seward,  he  snatched 
at  it.  and  they  tussled.  The  company  stood  by  to 
see  it  out,  for  it  made  but  little  difference  to  them 
wich  got  it.  In  the  skrimage  Johnson  happened  to 
ram  Seward  up  agin  a  window  on  the  north  side  uv 
the  room,  and  smashed  it  out.  Jest  then  a  blast  uv 
north  wind  poured  into  the  room  through  the  aper- 
ture, and  blowed  onto  the  face  uv  the  corpse.  The 
effect  was  electrikle.  Life  ran  through  his  veins, 
his  face  flushed,  and  the  livid  hue  was  changed  to 
the  ruddy  glow  uv  health.  The  dead  wuz  alive ; 
the  giant  raised  to  his  feet,  and  looked  around  him, 
shakin  off  them  ez  wuz  a  hangin  to  him  like  insex. 
Noticin  the  trinket  wich  hed  caused  the  skrimage  in 
Johnson's  hand,  he  took  him  by  the  neck,  and 
twistin  it  out  uv  his  hand,  flung  him  gently  through 
the  winder.  "I  ain't  made  up  my  mind  who  to 
give  this  to,  but  yoo  bet  it  ain't  yoo,"  sed  he. 

"Willyum,"  sed  he,  turnin  to  Seward,  "I'm  sur- 
prised at  yoo.  Wuz  this  bauble  the  price  uv  yoor 
honesty  and  yoor  principle  ?  Go,  Willyum  !  Ez 
for  yoo,  Doolittle,  yoo  never  wuz  half  baked  ;  yoo, 


A  Dream.  hi 

Thurlow,  put  Raymond  in  your  vest  pocket,  and 
quit  the  presence.  Yoo,  Jim  Lane,  I  leave  to  the 
tender  mercies  uv  my  friends  in  Kansas.  Clear  out 
the  balance  uv  this  rabble,  and  send  for  my  friends. 
I've  bin  pizened,  and  smothered,  and  stunk  nigh  to 
death.  Clear  out  t!ic  house,  and  sweep  it,  and 
sprinkle  chloride  uv  lime,  and  sich,  all  over  it. 
Shut  down  them  Southern  windows,  and  open  those 
on  the  North,  East,  and  West  sides.  I  want  a  snuft' 
uv  fresh  air,  for  I  —  " 

At  this  pint  I  awoke,  and  found  myself,  not  in 
tlie  White  House,  but  on  the  steps  thereof,  cold  and 
shiverin.  In  my  pocket  wuz  the  papers  w4ch  didn't 
get  me  the  post  orifis  I  wuz  seekin,  and  in  my  mind 
wuz  chaotic  confusion.  Wuz  the  dream  prophetic, 
or  wuz  it  merely  a  vagary  uv  the  mind,  wich,  wen 
loosed  from  its  clay,  sores  off  onto  its  own  hook, 
without  any  restraint.  Is  the  giant  Republican 
actually  dead,  or  is  he  in  a  trance?  Will  it  arise, 
and  scatter  them  ez  hez  appinted  themselves  admin- 
istrators uv  its  estate,  and  wich  are  beginnin  to 
divide  the  assets,  or  will  he  stay  ded?  Wood,  oh 
wood,  that  I  knowed ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  of  the  New  Dispensashun. 


112  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XVI T. 


A  Kentucky  Tea  Party. — Opinio?z  entertained  by 
Mrs.  Deacon  Pogram  of  Charles  Sumner.  — 
Discussion  betwee?z  Mrs.  Deacon  P.  aiid  an 
Illiiiois  Store-keeper  of  the  name  of  Pollock.  — 

Miscegenation. 

CoxFEDiiiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

April  1,  1866.      ) 

CHARLES  SUMNER  is  not  a  very  popular 
man  in  this  section  uv  Kentucky ;  on  the 
contrary,  quite  the  reverse.  He  is  known  here  ez 
an  Abhshnist ;  ez  one  who  is  a  chief  supporter  uv 
that  hidjus  sin  —  the  infideHty,  I  may  say,  for  a 
man  may  ez  well  deny  the  whole  Bible  ez  to  cast 
discredit  upon  Onesimus,  Hagar,  and  Ham,  onto 
wich  the  whole  system  uv  Afrikin  slavery  rests  — 
the  origenator,  therefore,  uv  the  infidle  beleef  that 
Slavery  is  not  uv  divine  origin,  wich,  judgin  from 
the  experience  uv  the  last  five  years,  appears  to  be 
gainin  ground  in  the  North.  He  is  not,  therefore, 
popular  in  this  region. 


A  Kentucky  Tea  Party.  113 

Yisterday  I  attendid  a  tea  party  at  Deekln  Po- 
gram's,  to  wich  the  elite  uv  the  Corners  wuz  present, 
incloodin  an  Illinoy  store-keeper  uv  the  name  uv 
Pollock,  wich  hed  bin  invited  because  the  Deekin 
hed,  some  three  months  ago,  bought  a  bill  uv  goods 
uv  him  on  ninety  days'  time,  and  wantid  an  exten- 
sion. 

While  at  the  table  enjoyin  the 

"  Cup  wich  cheers,  but  don't  intoxicate  very  much," 

ez  Dryden  hez  it,  tho  I  bleeve,  to  keep  off  chills,  in 
this  country,  they  mix  three  and  a  half  jDarts  uv 
whiskey  to  one  uv  tea,  the  name  uv  Sumner  wuz 
mentioned. 

Mrs.  Pogram  to-wunst  remarked  that  she  didn't 
want  the  name  uv  that  ojus  creecher  spoken  at  her 
table. 

"  Why?"  sed  I,  gratified  at  the  ebulition. 

"  I  hate  him  !  "  sed  she,  spitefially. 

"  So  do  I,"  replied  I ;  "  but  what  hev  yoo  agin 
him,  aside  from  his  obnoxious  political  opinions?" 

"Didn't  he  marry  a  nigger?"  sed  Mrs.  P., 
triumphantly.  "  Didn't  he  marry  a  nigger  —  a  full- 
blooded  nigger?  and  hezn't  he  hed  nineteen  yaller 
children,  every  one  uv  wich  he  compelled,  agin 
their  will,   to   marry  full-blooded   niggers?     Didn't 

he  —  " 

8 


114  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"Mrs.  P.,"  sed  this  Illinoy  store-keeper,  wich  his 
name  it  wuz  Pollock,  "  do  yoo  object  to  miscegena- 
tion?" 

"  Missee — what?"  replied  she,  struck  all  uv  a 
heap  at  the  word. 

"Miscegenation  —  amalgamation  —  marryin  whites 
with  niggers." 

"Do  I?"  retorted  she;  "ketch  a  son  uv  mine 
marryin  a  nigger !  They  are  another  race  ;  they'r 
beasts  ;  and  who'd  marry  em  but  jist  sich  men  ez 
Sumner  and  them  other  Ablishnists? " 

"  Then  permit  me  to  ask,"  sed  this  Pollock,  wich 
wuz  bound  to  kick  up  a  muss,  "  ef  ther's  any  race 
uv  pure  blood  in  this  section  uv  Kentucky,  wich  is 
yaller?" 

"  No  !  uv  course  not,"  sed  Mrs.  P.  ;  "  them  yaller 
people  is  mulatters  —  half  nigger,  half  white." 

"  And  them  ez  is  quite  white  —  not  quite,  but 
nearly  so  —  about  the  color  uv  a  new  saddle,  like 
Jane,  there,"  sed  he,  pintin  to  a  octoroon  girl  uv  iS 
wich  used  to  belong  to  the  Deekin  afore  the  isshooin 
uv  tlie  infernal  proclamashen,  "  like  Jane,  there, 
wich  is  waitin  on  the  Deekin,  and — but,  good 
Lord  ! "  sed  he,  startin  up  like  a  tragedian. 

"  Wat !  "  shouted  the  company,  all  startin  up. 

"  Nothin,"  sed  he  :  "  only,  now  that  Jane's  face  is 


A  Kentucky  Tea  Party.  115 

in  range  with  the  Deekin's,  wat  a  wonderful  resem- 
blance !  She  hez  the  Pogram  nose  and  ginral  out- 
line uv  tace  ;  not  Mrs.  P.'s  angularity,  but  the  Dee- 
kin  all  over.  My  deer  sir,"  sed  he,  addressin  the 
Deekin,  "  ef  she  wuzn't  a  quadroon,  I  shood  say  she 
looks  enough  like  yoo  to  be  yoor  daughter,  by  a  first 
wife,  I  shood  say,  for  she  hez  not,  ez  I  remarked, 
Mrs.  P.'s  angularity  and  gineral  boneinis  ;  but  uv 
course,  she  bein  a  part  nigger,  the  resemblance  may 
be  sat  down  ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence  !  " 

The  Deekin  turned  ez  white  ez  a  sheet,  and  Mrs. 
Pogram  turned  ez  red  ez  a  biled  lobster,  from  wich 
I  inferred  that  there  wuz  trooth  in  a  rumor  I  had 
heerd  about  the  Deekin  and  his  wife  hevin  a  misun- 
derstandin  about  a  nigger  woman  and  her  baby, 
about  18  years  ago,  wich  resulted  in  his  bein  made 
bald-headed  in  less  than  a  minute,  and  the  baby's 
mother  being  sold  South.  The  Illinoy  store-keeper, 
uv  the  name  uv  Pollock,  resoomed,  — 

"  I  wuz  about  askin  wat  them  niggers  is  ez  is 
nearly  white  ?  " 

"  Why,  they'r  octoroons,  or  seven-eighths  white," 
sed  Mrs.  Pogram. 

"And  no  Kentuckian  ever  marries  a  nigger?" 
inquired  the  store-keeper,  who  I  saw  wuz  pursooin 
his  investigations  altogether  too  fur. 


ii6  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"Never!"  sed  Mrs.  Pogram  ;  "we  leave  that  to 
Ablishnists." 

"  Well,  then,"  sed  this  Pollock,  who,  I  spect, 
wuzn't  half  so  innsent  ez  he  let  on,  "  I  see  that  yoo 
hev  no  objection  to  mixin  with  the  nigger,  providin 
yoo  don't  do  it  legally  ;  that  amalgamashen  don't 
hurt  nothin,  pervidin  yoo  temper  it  with  adultery. 
Is  that  the  idee,  Mrs.  Pogram?" 

Mrs.  P.  wuz  mad,  and  made  no  reply,  and  Pol- 
lock persood  the  subjick. 

"Jane  there,  is,  I  take  it,  about  one-eighth  nigger. 
She  got  her  white  blood  from  whites,  uv  course ; 
and  ez  there  coodent  be  no  marryin  in  the  biznis, 
there  is  proof  positive  in  her  face  that  the  8th  com- 
mandment hez  bin  violated  about  four  times  some- 
where in  this  vicinity,  or  wherever  her  maternal 
ancestors,  on  her  mother's  side,  may  hev  resided. 
What  do  yoo  think  about  it,  Deekin?  Ez  a  Chris- 
tian, woodent  it  be  better  to  marry  em  than  to  add 
a  violation  uv  the  commandment  to  the  sin  uv  amal- 
gamashen ?     It  wood  redoose  yoor  load  jest  a  half." 

The  Deekin  wuz  too  indignant  to  reply,  and  ez  it 
involved  a  pint  altogether  too  hefty  for  his  limited 
intelleck,  I  took  it  up. 

"  My  dear  sir,"  I  remarked,  "  yoo  don't  make  the 
proper  distinction,  or,  rather,  yoo  don't  appreciate 


A  Kentucky  Tea  Party.  117 

the  subjick  at  all.  The  nigger  here  sustains  only 
one  character  with  us,  —  that  uv  a  inferior  bein,  the 
slave  uv  the  hawty  Caucashen,  uv  whom  w^e  are  the 
noblest  specimens ;  that  is,  the  Deekin  is,  he  bein  a 
Southerner.  I  unfortunately  wuz  born  in  the  North, 
and  am  a  hawty  Caucashen  only  by  adoption.  To 
marry  a  nigger  wood  be  to  destroy  our  idea  uv 
sooperiority,  for  we  many  only  our  ekals.  The 
intercourse  with  em,  the  results  uv  wich  yoo  see 
indications,  bein  outside  uv  the  pale  uv  matrimony, 
is  not,  ez  yoo  wood  suppose,  the  result  uv  unbrideled 
licentiousnis,  but  is  merely  the  assertion  uv  our  su- 
periority. When  the  lordly  Caucashen  (uv  whom 
the  Deekin  is  wich)  bids  a  daughter  uv  Ham 
(wich,  in  the  orginal  Hebrew,  signifies  the  hind- 
quarter  uv  a  hog)  come  to  him,  and  she  doth  it  not, 
he  breaks  her  head,  wich  inculcates  obedience. 
One  is  only  a  slave  indeed  when  he  surrenders  all 
his  individyooel  rites.  The  female  slave  cannot  be 
considered  ez  entirely  subdooed  until  she  hez  yielded 
to  her  owner  everything.  To  marry  em  wood  be  to 
elevate  em  ;  the  intercourse  common  among  us  is 
not  a  sin,  it  bein  merely  the  assertion  uv  that  supe- 
riority wich  we  claim  is  founded  on  the  Holy 
Scripter.  See  Onesimus,  Hagar,  and  Ham." 
"Yes,"   sed  the   Deekin,   who   wuz   now  on   the 


ii8  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

right  track  ;  "  it's  a  assertion  uv  our  sooperiority ; 
it's  a  dooty  every  white  man  owes  to  his  class,  and 
I,  for  one,  will  alluz  —  " 

"  Let  me  ketch  yoo  at  it,  Gabe  Pogram,"  shouted 
Mrs.  P.,  "  and  I'll  give  you  sich  a  cat-haulin  ez  yoo 
never  —  drat  yoor  sooperiority,  and  yoor  Ham,  and 
yoor  Caucashen.     Niggers  is  niggers,  and  —  " 

Noticin  that  Mrs.  Pogram  hedn't  quite  arrived  at 
the  proper  pitch  uv  self-sacrifice,  I  turned  the  dis- 
cussion onto  Sumner  agin,  ez  a  subjick  upon  wich 
they  cood  all  agree. 

I  learned  that  his  father  wuz  a  Dutch  grocery- 
keeper,  and  his  mother  an  Irish  washer-woman ; 
that  he  run  away  from  home  at  the  tender  age  of  8, 
after  murderin,  in  cold  blood,  his  grandparents,  one 
uv  wich  wuz  a  Jew  and  tother  a  Chinese  ;  that  he 
wuz  apprenticed  to  the  shoemakin  biznis,  and  hed 
cut  the  throat  uv  his  boss  and  his  wife,  and  im- 
mersed the  younger  children  into  a  biler  uv  scaldin 
water,  where  they  were  found  mostly  dead  seven 
hours  afterward  ;  that  he  acquired  wealth  a  sellin 
lottry  tickets  and  brass  clocks,  et  settry.  His  ser- 
vants wuz  redoost  Southern  gentlemen  wich  he  hed 
swindled  into  his  debt,  and  wich,  under  the  laws  uv 
Massychoosits,  coodent  git  away,  and  that  his  inti- 
mate friends  and  associates  wuz  niggers,  with  wich 


A  Kentucky  Tea  Party. 


II' 


he  sot  long  at  the  festive  board,  and  drunk  chnm- 
pane ;  that  Lucresha  Mott  wuz  his  sister,  Anna 
Dickinson  his  daughter,  Fred  Douglas  his  half- 
brother,  and  that  he  kissed,  habitually,  every  nigger 
child  he  met,  and  frowned  so  severially  onto  white 
children  ez  to  throw  em  into  spasms,  and  other 
items  uv  information  uv  wich,  livin  in  the  North,  I 
wuz  ignorant.  Ez  I  remarked,  he  isn't  popular 
down  here,  and  cood  hardly  be  elected  to  Congris 
from  this  Deestrick.  The  tea  party  broke  up  shortly 
after,  Pollock  winkin  at  me  villainously  ez  he  left 
the  house,  feelin  good  to  think  how  he  hed  opened 
a  old  sore.     That  Pollock  needs  watchin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


i-o  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XVIII. 

A   Cry  of  Exitltatio7i,  —  A   Gleam  of  Light. 

Co^'FEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

April  2,  1866.      3 

KIN  it  be?  Is  it  troo,  or  is  it  not  troo?  Is 
Androo  Johnson  all  my  fancy  painted  him, 
or  is  he  still  a  heaven-defying  persekooter  uv  the 
Democratic  Saints  ?  That's  w^at  I  and  some  thou- 
sands uv  waitin  souls  wood  go  suthin  handsome  to 
knoAV. 

I  confess  I  never  quite  lost  faith  in  Androo. 

Pro-slavery  Democracy  sticks  to  a  man  ez  does 
the  odor  uv  the  gentle  skunk  to  clothes,  and  it  is  got 
rid  uv  only  by  the  same  means,  to-wit,  buryin  the 
victim  thereof. 

Androo  started  out  to  be  a  Moses,  and  he  is  one  ; 
but  I  think  he's  changed  his  Israelites.  I  oust  saw 
a  woman  skinnin  live  eels,  and  I  reproached  her, 
saying,  — 


A  Cry  of  Exultation.  i3i 

"Woman,  why  skinnest  thou  eels  alive?  Doth 
it  not  pain  em  ?  " 

"  Nary  !  "  retorted  she.  "  I've  skinned  em  this 
way  for  going  on  to  20  years,  and  they're  used  to  it." 

Even  so.  The  negroes  hev  bin  in  bondage  so 
long  that  they're  used  to  it,  and  Androo  feelin  a  call 
to  continue  in  the  Moses  biznes,  hez,  I  hope,  turned 
his  attention  to  the  Dimocrisy.  It's  us  he's  a-goin 
to  lead  up  out  uv  the  Egypt  uv  wretchedness  we've 
bin  in  for  neerly  five  years  ;  it's  us  that's  a-goin  to 
quit  brick  making  without  straw,  and  go  up  into 
the  Canaan  wich  is  runnin  with  the  milk  and  honey 
uv  public  patronage.  We  shel  hev  sum  fites : 
there's  Amakelitish  post  masters  and  Phillistine 
collectors  to  displace,  but  with  a  second  Jaxon  at 
our  hed  what  can  we  fear? 

I  feel  to-night  like  a  young  colt.  To  me  it  seems 
ez  though  my  venerable  locks,  wich  hangs  scantily 
about  my  temples,  hed  grown  black  agin,  and  that 
my  youth  was  returnin.  Ef  I  hed  any  notion  uv 
sooiside,  them  idea  is  dismist.  I'm  young  agin. 
Wat  hez  worked  this  change?  you  ask.  It's  the 
proclamation  declarin  the  war  at  an  end,  and  with- 
drawin  from  the  Dimocratic  States  the  odious  hirc- 
lins  uv  the  tyrant  Linkin,  and  the  doin  away  u\  that 
terrible  marshal  law.     That's  wat's  done  it  for  me. 


133  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Now  I  feel  like  sayin,  with  one  uv  old,  "  Mine  eyes 
hev  seed  thy  glory  ;  let  thy  servant  depart  in  peace." 

We  hev  bin  dooly  subjoogated  some  time,  and  a 
waitin  for  this.  We  wantid  it,  and  longed  for  it  ez 
tlie  hart  does  for  the  water  course,  and  considerably 
more,  onless  the  hart  wuz  thirsty  in  the  extreme. 
For  now  we  are  in  the  Yoonyun  agin  ;  we  are  under 
the  shadder  uv  that  glorious  old  flag  wich  protects 
all  men  ceptin  niggers  and  ablishnists.  The  nigger 
is  left  to  be  adjustid  by  us,  who  is  to  be  governed  by 
the  laws  wich  control  labor  and  capital.  Certenly 
he  is  —  uv  coarse.  I  saw  two  uv  my  neighbors  ad- 
justin  one  last  nite.  They  wuz  doin  it  with  a  pad- 
dle, wich  wuz  bored  full  uv  holes.  He  didn't  seem 
to  enjoy  it  ez  much  ez  they  did.  By  that  proclama- 
tion our  states  are  agin  under  their  own  control. 
Let  em  go  at  wunst  to  work  to  destroy  all  the  ves- 
tiges uv  the  crooel  war  through  wich  they  hev  past. 
There  aint  no  solgers  now  to  interfere,  for  the  policy 
Tiv  keepin  soldiers  in  and  among  free  people  is  ab- 
horrent to  freedom  and  humanity.  Go  to  work  at 
wunst,  and  build  up  the  broken  walls  uv  your  Zion. 

We  must  hev  Peace  and  unanimity  ;  and  Peace 
cannot  dwell  among  us  onless  there's  a  oneness  uv 
purpose  and  sentiment.  To  prokoor  this  is  yoor 
fust  dooty.     If  there  be  among  you  them  ez  opposed 


A  Cry  of  Exultation.  123 

yoo  doorin  yoor  late  struggle  for  Rites,  hist  em. 
Their  presence  is  irritatin,  and  kin  not  be  tolerated. 
Ablishunism  is  as  abhorrent  now  as  ever,  and  the 
sooner  yoo  are  rid  iiv  it  the  better.  It  is  safe  to 
assume  that  every  man  who  opposed  the  lately 
deceased  confederacy  is  a  Ablishnist. 

The  next  step,  and  the  most  important,  is  to  tear 
down  the  nigger  school  houses  and  churches  wich 
hev  bin  built  here  and  there,  and  kindly  take  the 
nigger  by  the  ear,  and  lead  him  back  to  his  old 
quarters,  wich  is  his  normal  position.  The  Yankee 
school  teachers  sent  here  by  Freedmen's  Aid  Socie- 
ties shood  properly  be  hung  for  spreadin  dissatisfac- 
tion and  spellin  books  among  the  niggers,  but  I 
wood  advise  mercy  and  consiliation.  Tar  and 
featherin,  with  whippins,  will  perhaps  do  ez  well, 
and  will  go  to  show  the  world  that  our  justice  is 
tempered  with  charity  ;  that  we  kin  be  generous  ez 
well  ez  just.  Yoor  Legislatures  shood  be  instantly 
called  together,  and  proper  laws  for  the  government 
uv  the  Freedmen  should  be  passed.  Slavery  is 
abolisht,  and  the  people  must  live  up  to  the  require- 
ments of  the  act  in  good  faith.  I  protest  agin  any 
violation  uv  good  faith,  but  labor  must  be  done,  for 
the  skripter  commands  it,  and  our  frail  nature  de- 
mands wat  cant  be  got  without  it.     We  don't  like 


124  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

to  do  it,  but  shel  skripter  be  violated?  Not  at  all. 
The  nigger  must  do  it  hisself,  not  ez  a  slave,  for 
slavery  is  abolished,  but  ez  a  free  man.  Ethiopean 
citizens  uv  Amerikin  descent  (wich  is  mulatters), 
and  full-blooded  blacks,  and  all  hevin  in  the  veins 
a  taint  uv  Afrikin  blood,  must  be  restrained  gently, 
and  for  their  own  good,  I  suggest  laws  ez  fol- 
lows :  — 

1.  They  must  never  leave  the  plantation  onto 
wich  they  are,  when  this  act  goes  into  effect,  without 
a  pass  from  the  employer,  under  penalty  uv  bein 
shot. 

2.  They  shel  hev  the  privilege  uv  suein  every- 
body uv  their  own  color,  ef  they  kin  give  white  bail 
for  costs. 

3.  They  shel  hev  the  full  privilege  uv  bein  sued 
the  same  ez  white  folks. 

4.  They  shel  be  competent  ez  witnesses  in  cases 
in  wich  they  are  not  interested,  but  their  testimony 
is  to  go  for  nothin  ef  it  is  opposed  by  the  testimony 
uv  a  white  man  or  another  nigger. 

5.  No  nigger  shel  be  allowed  to  buy  or  lease  real 
estate  outside  uv  any  incorporated  city,  town,  or 
village. 

6.  No  nigger  shel  be  allowed  to  buy  or  lease  real 


A  Cry  of  Exultation.  125 

estate  within  any  incorporated  city,  town,  or  village, 
except  as  hereinafter  provided  for,  to  wit :  — 

He  shel  give  notice  uv  his  desires  by  publication 
for  six  consecutive  weeks  in  some  noosepaper  uv 
general  circulation  in  sed  village,  for  wich  publica- 
tion he  shel  pay  invariably  in  advance.  He  shel 
then  give  bonds,  in  sich  sums  ez  the  mayor  shel 
decide,  that  neither  he,  nor  any  uv  his  ancestors,  or 
descendants,  or  relations,  will  ever  become  public 
charges,  and  will  always  behave  themselves  with 
doo  humility,  the  bondsmen  to  be  white  men  and 
freeholders.  Then  the  mayor  shel  cause  a  election 
to  be  proclaimed,  and  if  the  free  white  citizens  shel 
vote  "  yea  "  unanimously,  he  shel  be  allowed  to  buy 
or  lease  real  estate.  If  there  is  a  dissenting  vote, 
then  he  shel  be  put  onto  the  chain  gang  for  six 
months  for  his  impudence  in  makin  sich  a  request. 

7.  Their  wages  shel  be  sich  ez  they  and  the  em- 
ployers shel  mutually  agree ;  but  that  the  negroes 
may  not  become  luxurious  and  effeminate,  wich  two 
things  is  vices  wich  goes  to  sap  the  simplicity  and 
strength  uv  a  people,  the  sum  shel  never  exceed  $5 
per  month,  but  not  less  than  enuff  in  all  cases  to 
buy  him  one  soot  uv  close  per  annum,  wich  the 
employer  shel  purchase  hisself. 

8.  The  master  shell  hev  the  privilege  uv  addin  to 


126  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

this  code  sich  other  rules  and  regulations  for  their 
proper  government  ez  may  strike  him  ez  being 
good  for  em  from  time  to  time. 

These  provisions  sekure  the  nigger  in  all  the  rites 
wich  kin  reasonably  be  asked  for  him,  just  elevated 
ez  he  is  from  slavery,  and  thrown  upon  the  w^orld, 
ignorant  of  the  dooties  of  his  new  position  and 
status.  He  is  simple,  and  needs  the  guidin  hand  uv 
the  stronger  race. 

My  hart  is  too  full  to  make  further  suggestions. 
Organized  into  a  tabloo,  with  the  constitooshun  in 
one  hand  (wich  beloved  instrument  kivers  a  great 
deal  of  ground) ,  a  scar-bangled  spanner  in  the  other, 
and  a  tramplin  on  a  bloo  coat  wich  I  stript  orf  uv  a 
returned  nigger  solger  wich  wuz  sick,  I  exultinly 
exclaim,  "  The  Union  ez  it  is  is  ez  good  ez  the 
Union  ez  it  wuz.     'Ror  !  " 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


A  Wail  of  Anguish.  127 


XIX. 


A  Wail  of  AnguisJi. —  The  Passage  of  the  Civil 
Rights  Bill  over  the  Veto. 


I 


CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
April  9,  1866. 

AM  a  kittle  full  of  cusses. 


Under  me  is  a  burnin  fire  uv  rage,  wich  is 
bein  continyooally  fed  with  the  oil  uv  disappoint- 
ment. 

And  I  bile  over. 

The  civil  rites  bill,  wich  our  Moses  put  his  foot 
into,  we  thought  wuz  dead. 

And  we  fired  great  guns,  and  hung  out  our 
flags,  wich  we  laid  aside  in  i86oj  and  made  a  joy- 
ful noise. 

For  we  said,  one  unto  another,  Lo  !  he  is  a  true 
Moses,  inasmuch  ez  he  is  a  leadin  us  out  uv  the 
wilderness. 

The  civil  rites  bill  wuz  the  serpent  wat  bit  us,  and 
he  histed  it,  that  we  might  look  and  live. 


128  SwiXGIX    ROUXD    THE    CiRKLE. 

Now  let  us  be  joyful ! 

For  the  Ethiopian  is  delivered  into  our  hands, 
bound  hand  and  foot. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

We  will  make  him  grind  our  corn  ;  but  he  shel 
not  eat  thereof. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

We  will  make  him  tread  out  our  wheat ;  but  we 
will  muzzle  his  mouth. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

He  shall  pick  our  cotton  ;  but  the  hire  he  receiv- 
eth,  he  shall  stick  in  his  eye  without  injuring  the 
sight  thereof. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

He  shall  toil  in  the  sugar  mill ;  but  the  sugar 
shall  he  not  sell. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

His  sweat  shall  nourish  our  corn ;  but  he  shall 
eat  nary  ear  thereof. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

We  will  burn  his  school  houses,  and  destroy  his 
spelling  books  (for  shall  the  nigger  be  our  supe- 
rior?), and  who  shall  stay  our  hand? 

The  skool  teachers  we  will  tar  and  feather,  and 
whar  is  the  bloo-koted  hirelins  to  make  us  afeerd  ? 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 


A  Wail  of  Anguish.  129 

We  looked  at  the  nigger,  and  said,  Ha,  ha  !  the 
last  state  iiv  that  chattle  is  wuss  nor  the  fust ;  for 
before,  we  hed  his  labor  while  he  wuz  strong  and 
healthy,  but  hed  to  take  care  on  him  when  he  wuz 
sick  and  old  ;  and  now  we  kin  git  his  labor  without 
the  care. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

The  Ablishnists  cast  out  one  devil,  and  garnished 
the  room  ;  but  there  wuz  seven  devils  more  stronger 
and  hungrier,  which  rushed  in  and  pre-empted  the 
premises. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

But  our  song  uv  joy  wuz  turned  into  a  wale  uv 
anguish. 

Moses  sought  to  hist  the  serpent,  but  the  serpent 
histed  him. 

He's  on  a  pole,  and  the  bitin  North  wind  is  a 
blowin  onto  him. 

He  can't  get  up  any  higher,  because  his  pole  ain't 
any  longer ;  and  he  cant't  get  down,  because  he 
ain't  no  place  to  light  onto. 

He  vetoed  the  bills,  and  Congress  hez  vetoed  him  ; 
the  civil  rights  bill  they  passed  in  a  uncivil  man- 
ner. 

Now,  bein  the  nigger  hez  rights,  he  is  our  ckal. 

Our  ekil  is  the  nigger  now,  and  onless  the  skool 
9 


130  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

house  is  burned,  and  the  spellin  books  destroyed,  he 
will  soon  be  our  superior. 

We  wuz  willin  to  give  him  the  right  uv  bein  sued  ; 
but,  alas  !  he  kin  sue. 

He  kin  be  a  witness  agin  us,  and  he  kin  set  his 
face  agin  ourn. 

Our  wise  men  may  make  laws  to  keep  him  in  his 
normal  speer,  but  uv  wat  avail  is  they? 

We  kin  buy  and  sell  him  no  more,  neither  he  nor 
his  children. 

The  men  will  cleave  unto  their  wives,  and  the 
wives  unto  their  husbands,  and  our  hand  is  powerlis 
to  separate  em. 

Their  children  kin  we  no  more  put  up  at  auction, 
and  sell  to  the  highest  bidder,  we  pocketing  joyfully 
the  price  thereof. 

They  hev  become  sassy  and  impudent,  and  say, 
"  Go  to  ;  are  we  not  men  ?  " 

I  bade  one  git  orf  the  sidewalk,  and  he  bade  me 
be  damned. 

I  chucked  a  nearly  white  one  under  the  chin,  and 
smiled  onto  her,  and  she  squawked;  and  her  hus- 
band, hearin  the  squawk  thereof,  came  up  and  bustid 
my  head,  even  as  a  white  man  wood  hev  dun. 

I  chastised  wun  who  gave  me  lip ;  and  he  sood 


A  Wail  of  Anguish.  131 

me,  a  Caucashun,  for  assault  and  battery,  and  got  a 
judgment ! 

Wale  !  for  Moses  put  out  his  hand  to  save  us  these 
indignities,  but  his  hand  wuz  too  weak. 

We  killed  Linkin  in  vain. 

Our  Moses  is  playin  Jaxon.  He  fancieth  he  re- 
sembleth  him,  becoz  his  inishals  is  the  same. 

He  resembleth  Jaxon  muchly  —  in  that  Jaxon  hed 

a  policy  wich  he  cood  carry  out,  while  our  Moses 

hez  a  policy  wich  he  can't  carry  out. 

And  ez  he  can't  carry  out  his  policy,  the  people 
are  carryin  it  out  for  him. 

Wich  they  do,  a  holdin  it  at  arm's  length,  and 
holdin  their  noses. 

Moses  is  a  cake  half  baked  ;  he  is  hot  on  one  side, 
and  cold  on  tother. 

He  darsn't  let  go  uv  Ablishnism,  and  is  afeerd  to 
come  to  us. 

He  hez  been  takin  epsom  salts  and  epecac ;  and 
one  is  workin  up,  and  the  other  is  workin  down. 

Where  kin  we  look  for  comfort? 

Do  we  turn  to  the  people  ?  Connecticut  answers, 
"  'Ror  for  Hawley !  "  and  Noo  Hampshier  goes 
Ablishun. 

Do  we  turn  to  the  courts  ?  Lo  !  Taney  hez  gone 
to  his  reward  —  him  who  aforetime  dealt  out  Dime- 


132  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

kratic  justice,  and  vrho  understood  the  nacher  uv  the 
nigger,  —  and  Chase,  who  is  pizen,  reigns  in  his 
stead. 

Raymond  is  growin  weak  in  the  knees,  and  Doo- 
little  is  a  broken  reed  on  which  to  lean. 

We  are  too  short  at  both  ends. 

Shall  we  go  to  Brazil  ?  Lo !  there  they  put  nig- 
gers in  office. 

Mexico  holds  out  her  hands  to  us ;  but,  lo !  the 
nigger  is  considered  a  rnan. 

We  hev  no  escape  from  the  Etheopian  ;  he  is 
around  us,  and  about  us,  and  on  top  uv  us. 

I  see  no  post  orfis  in  the  distance,  no  hope  for  the 
future. 

Hed  I  been  a  Ablishunist,  so  ez  to  make  the  thing 
safe  in  the  next  world,  I  shood  be  glad  to  die,  and 
quit  this. 

For  my  sole  is  pregnant  with  grief;  my  hart  bugs 

out  with  woe. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


Mournful  View  of  the  Situation.     133 


XX. 

Mournful  View  vf  the  Situation, 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

April  26,  1866.      J 

THE  work  uv  death  is  a  goin  on.  The  sakred 
precepts  uv  the  Holy  Skripters  is  bein  daily 
violated  by  an  insane  majority,  who  hev  substitooted 
their  own  noshens  for  the  safe  and  pleasant  reve- 
lashens  uv  Holy  Writ,  and  the  practices  of  their 
fathers. 

Good  Noah,  when  he  cussed  Ham,  and  declared 
that  he  shood  be  a  servant  unto  his  brethren,  hev 
foreseen  how  his  cuss  wood  hev  bin  disregarded  in 
these  degenerate  days,  he  wood,  I  boldly  assert  (and 
I  make  the  assertion  from  wat  I  know  uv  the  char- 
acter uv  that  eminent  navigator),  hev  kep  sober,  and 
not  cusst  Ham  at  all.  For  wat's  the  yoose  uv  sich 
a  cuss  ef  it's  to  be  removed  jist  when  you  want  it  to 
stick  ?  Hed  it  bin  taken  off  afore  cotton  wuz  profit- 
able, and  afore  the  Southern  people  hed  learned  to 


134  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

depend  onto  their  labor,  it  wouldent  hev  bin  so  bad, 
and  they  cood  hev  endoored  it  without  murmurin. 
But,  alars !  not  only  is  the  South  in  a  state  of 
abject  cussitood,  but  the  Northern  Dimocrasy  is 
likewise. 

The  case  stood  thuswise :  The  South  depended 
on  the  Nigger ;  and  the  Northern  politicians,  like 
me,  depended  on  the  Soutli.  The  nigger  wuz  the 
foundashun  upon  wich  the  entire  structur  rested ; 
and  now  that  he's  knocked  out,  it  falls. 

I  wuz  in  Washington  the  other  day,  and  wuz  a 
unwillin  witnis  uv  a  scene  wich  filled  me  with  unut- 
terable disgust.  The  niggers  wuz  a  celebratin  suthin 
ftonnected  with  their  onnatural  removal  from  their 
normal  condishun,  and  wuz  a  paradin  the  streets 
with  bands  uv  music,  and  with  banners  and  inscrip- 
tions. They  hed  the  impudence  to  dress  up  in  good 
clothes,  —  clothes  wich  I  cood  not  afford  to  wear,  — 
and  three  uv  the  impudent  cusses  hed  the  ashoor- 
ance  to  go  so  far  in  their  imitation  of  human  beins 
ez  to  make  speeches ;  and  to  my  horrer,  the  mass 
uv  em  hed  ben  so  well  trained  by  somebody  that 
they  actily  cheered,  and  ez  near  ez  I  cood  make  out 
got  in  the  applause  at  the  right  place,  and  all  with- 
out the  assistance  uv  a  indivijjle  to  commence  ap- 


Mournful  View  of  the  Situation.     135 

plaudin  at  the  right  time,  wich  we  hev  generally 
found  nessary  at  Dimmekratic  meetins. 

Their  inscripshuns  wuz  insultin.  They  hed  em 
all  spelt  rite,  and  they  wuz  full  uv  aloosions  to  ekal 
rites,  and  onqualifyed  suffrage,  and  sich,  planely 
showin  that  the  poor,  misguided  critters  hed  no  idee 
that  they  wuz  loaded  down  with  a  cuss,  and  that 
becoz  uv  that  cuss  they  hed  no  rites  watever. 

In  Richmond  I  saw  other  evidences  uv  the  ter- 
rible breakin  down  uv  the  barriers  wich  Noah  set 
up  atween  the  races.  I  wuz  sittin  in  a  boss  car, 
when  a  nigger  hed  the  onparalleled  asshoorence  to 
enter  and  set  down.  I  remonstrated  with  the  chat- 
tel, who  laft  in  my  face. 

Thus  the  old  landmarks  is  bein  removed,  and  thus 
the  foundations  uv  society  is  a  bein  broken  up.  I  saw 
in  Richmond  fair  wimmin  who  hed,  in  olden  times, 
never  known  wat  labor  wuz,  a  washin  dishes,  and 
cookin  their  own  vittles ;  and  I  saw  men,  who  hed 
wunst  lived  luxuriously  on  the  labor  uv  a  hundred 
niggers,  now  drivin  drays,  and  sellin  dry  goods  and 
groceries,  and  sich,  and  my  soul  sunk  within  me. 
Wuz  the  cuss  a  mistake?  Wuz  the  nigger  not  the 
race  that  wuz  cussed?  or  has  he  becum  so  bleached, 
so  lost  in  the  white  by  amalgamation,  that  there 


136  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

ain't  enough  uv  the  black  left  in  each  indivijjle  for 
the  cuss  to  hang  to. 

Andrew  Johnson  !  in  your  hands  rests  our  cause  ; 
on  your  ackshen  depends  our  weal  or  woe  !  Yoo, 
and  yoo  alone,  kin  remedy  this.  Wat  if  a  corrupt 
and  radikle  Congress  does  override  your  vetoes,  and 
legislate  for  these  cuss-ridden  people  ?  Yoo  hev  yet 
a  power  wich  yoo  must  not  hesitate  to  make  em 
feel.  Clear  out  the  rump  Congress ;  declare  our 
Southern  brethren  entitled  to  their  seats,  and  see 
that  they  hev  em.  The  Dimocrisy  uv  the  North, 
wich  wuz  latterly  for  peece,  are  now  fur  war.  They 
will  sustain  yoo.  Reverse  yoor  ackshen,  and  yoo 
kin  attach  em  to  yoo  with  hooks  uv  steel.  There 
ain't  no  risk  in  it  —  nary  risk.  Turn  the  Ablishnists 
out  uv  the  Post  Offices,  and  replace  em  with  Dem- 
ocrats ;  let  it  be  understood  that  yoo  hev  come  back 
to  your  fust  love,  and  no  longer  abide  in  the  tents 
uv  Ablishunism,  —  and  all  will  be  well.  Talk  less 
uv  yoor  policy,  and  put  more  uv  it  into  acts.  Com- 
bine Post  Offices  with  Policy,  and  proclaim  that 
only  he  who  sustains  the  latter  shel  hev  the  former, 
and  yoo  kin  depend  on  the  entire  Democrisy  North. 
We  are  waitin  anxiously.  From  the  South  comes 
up  the  cry,  wich  the  North  reekkoes. 


Mournful  View  of  the  Situation.      137 

Will  Androo  Johnson,  wich  Ablishnists  call 
Moses,  but  wich  we,  for  obvious  reasons,  style  the 
2d  Jaxon,  heed  that  cry?  or  will  he  persist  in  cling- 
in  to  the  black  idol  he  embraced  four  years  ago  ? 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensaehun. 


13S  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXI. 

A  Psalm  of  Gladness.  —  The  Veto  of  the  Civil 
Rights  Bill.,  and  other  Mattel's.,  occasiojiiiig  a 
Feeling  of  Thankfulness  in  the  Miiids  of  the 
Democracy. 

CONFEDRIT    X    ROADS       ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 
May  1,  1866.      i 

AM  a  canary,  a  nightengale.     A  lark,  am  I. 
I  raise  my  voice  in  song.     I  pour  forth  melo- 
jus  notes. 

I  am  a  lamb,  wich  frisketh,  and  waggeth  his  tale, 
and  leapeth,  ez  he  nippeth  the  tender  grass.  I  am 
a  colt,  wich  kicketh  up  its  heels  exuberantly. 

I  am  a  bridegroom,  wich  cometh  from  his  bride 
in  the  mornin  feelin  releeved  in  the  knowledge  that 
she  wore  not  palpitators,  nor  false  calves,  nor  nothin 
false,  afore  she  wuz  hizn. 

I  am  a  steamboat  captin  with  a  full  load,  a  dog- 
gry  keeper  on  a  Saturday  nite,  a  sportin  man  with 
four  aces  in  his  hand. 

All  these  am  I,  and  more. 


A  Psalm  of  Gladness.  139 

For  we  sought  to  establish  ourselves  upon  a  rock, 
but  found  that  the  underpinnin  wuz  gone  out  uv  it. 

Even  slavery  v^uz  our  strong  place,  and  our  hope  ; 
but  the  corners  hed  bin  knocked  out  uv  it. 

The  sons  uv  Belial  hed  gone  forth  agin  it.  Mas- 
sachusetts hed  assailed  it,  and  the  North  West  hed 
draw^d  its  bow  agin  it. 

Wendell  Phillips  hed  pecked  out  w^un  stun,  Gar- 
ret Smith  another ;  and  the  soljers  hed  completed 
what  they  hed  begun. 

And  Congris,  even  the  Rump,  hed  decreed  its 
death,  and  hed  held  forth  its  hand  to  Ethiopia. 

It  passed  a  bill  givin  the  Niggers  their  rites,  and 
takin  away  from  us  our  rites  : 

Say  in,  that  no  more  shel  we  sell  em  in  the  market 
place. 

Or  take  their  wives  from  em. 

Or  be  father  to  their  children. 

Or  make  uv  em  conkebines  aginst  their  will, 

Or  force  em  to  toil  without  hire, 

Or  shoot  em,  ez  we  wuz  wont  to  do  under  the  old 
dispensashun. 

Or  make  laws  for  em  wich  didn't  bind  us  as  well. 

And  our  hearts  wuz  sad  in  our  buzzums  ;  for  we 
said,  Lo  !  the  nigger  is  our  ekal ;  and  we  mourned 
ez  them  hevin  no  hope. 


140  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

But  the  President,  even  Androo,  the  choice  uv 
Booth,  said,  Nay. 

And  the  bill  wuz  vetoed,  and  is  no  law  ;  and  our 
hearts  is  made  glad. 

And  from  the  Ohio  to  the  Gulf  shel  go  up  the 
song  uv  gladness  and  the  sounds  uv  mirth. 

The  nigger  will  we  slay,  for  he  elevated  his  horn 
agin  us. 

We  will  make  one  law  for  him  and  another  for 
us,  and  he  will  sigh  for  the  good  old  times  when  he 
wuz  a  slave  in  earnest. 

His  wife  shel  be  our  conkebine,  ef  she  is  fair 
to  look  upon ;  and  ef  he  murmurs,  we'll  bust  his 
head. 

His  daughters  shel  our  sons  possess ;  and  their  in- 
krease  will  we  sell,  and  live  upon  the  price  they 
bring. 

In  our  fields  they  shel  labor ;  but  the  price  uv 
their  toil  shel  make  us  fat. 

Sing,  O  my  soul ! 

The  nigger  hed  become  sassy  and  impudent,  and 
denied  that  he  wuz  a  serv^ant  unto  his  brethren. 

He  sheltered  hisself  behind  the  Freedman's  Bu- 
row,  and  the  Civil  Rites  Bill,  and  the  soldiery,  and 
he  wagged  his  lip  at  us,  and  made  mouths  at  us. 


A  Psalm  of  Gladness.  141 

And  we  longed  to  git  at  him,  but  because  of  these 
we  durst  not. 

But  now  who  shell  succor  him. 

We  will  smite  him  hip  and  thigh,  onless  he  con- 
sents to  be  normal. 

Our  time  uv  rejoicin  is  come. 

In  Kentucky,  the  soldiers  voted,  —  them  ez  wuz 
clothed  in  gray,  —  and  we  routed  the  Abolishnists. 

Three  great  capchers  hev  we  made  :  New  Orleens 
we  capcherd,  Kentucky  we  capcherd,  and  the  Presi- 
dent—  him  who  aforetime  strayed  from  us  —  we 
capcherd. 

Rejoice,  O  my  soul !  for  yoor  good  time,  wich 
wuz  so  long  a  comin,  is  come. 

We  shel  hev  Post  Offisis,  and  Collectorships,  and 
Assessorships,  and  Furrin  Mishns,  and  Route  Agen- 
cies, and  sich  ;  and  on  the  proceeds  thereof  will  we 
eat,  drink,  and  be  merry. 

The  great  rivers  shel  be  whisky,  the  islands  there- 
in sugar,  the  streems  tributary  lemon  joose  and  bit- 
ters, and  the  faithful  shel  drink. 

Whisky  shel  be  cheap  ;  for  we  shel  hold  the  of- 
fises,  and  kin  pay ;  and  the  heart  uv  the  barkeeper 
shel  be  glad. 

The  Ablishnist  shel  hang  his  hed ;  and  we  will 
jeer  him,  and  flout  him,  and  say  unto  him,  "  Go  up, 


142  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

bald  head  !  "  and  no  bears  shel  bite  us  ;  for,  lo  !  the 
President  is  our  rock,  and  in  him  we  abide. 

Blessed  be  Booth,  who  give  us  Androo. 

Blessed  be  the  veto,  wich  makes  the  deed  uv 
Booth  uv  sum  account  to  us. 

Blessed  be  Moses,  who  is  a  leadin  us  out  uv  the 
wilderness,  into  the  Canaan  flowin  with  milk  and 
honey. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  of  the  New  Dispensashun. 


A  Discourse  upon  the  Nigger.         143 


XXII. 


The  Reconstructed  meet  to  Congratulate  the  Cotm* 
try  ufon  the  Restilt  of  the  Memphis  Outbreak. 
—  The  Reverend  discourses  upon  the  Nigger^ 
and  ru7ts  against  a  Snag. 

CONFEDRIT    X    ROADS       ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 
May  12,  1866.     i 

THE  news  from  Memphis  filled  the  soles  uv  the 
Dimocrisy  uv  Kentucky  w^ith  undilooted  joy. 
There,  at  last,  the  Ethiopian  wuz  taught  that  to 
him,  at  least,  the  spellin  book  is  a  seeled  volume, 
and  that  the  gospel  is  not  for  him,  save  ez  he  gits  it 
filtered  through  a  sound,  constooshnel,  Dimekratic 
preacher.  We  met  at  the  Corners  last  nite  to  jollify 
over  the  brave  acts  uv  our  Memphis  frends,  and  I 
wuz  the  speeker.  I  addressed  them  on  the  subjick 
uv  the  nigger,  —  his  wants,  needs,  and  capacities, — 
a  subjick,  permit  me  to  state,  I  flatter  myself  I  un- 
derstand. 

Probably   no    man    in    the   Yoonited    States   hez 


•144  SwiNGi?^  Round  the  Cirkle. 

given  the  nigger  more  study,  or  devoted  more  time 
to  a  pashent  investigashen  uv  this  species  uv  the 
brute  creashen,  than  the  undersigned.  I  have  con- 
templated him  sittin  and  standin,  sleepin  and  wakin, 
at  labor  and  in  idleness,  —  in  every  shape,  in  fact, 
ceptin  ez  a  free  man,  v^ich  situashen  is  too  disgustin 
for  a  proud  Caucashen  to  contemplate  him  ;  and 
when  he  ariz  before  my  mind's  eye  in  that  shape,  I 
alluz  turned  shuddrin  away. 

I  hed  proceeded  in  my  discourse  with  a  flowin 
sale.  It's  easy  demonstratin  anythin  yoor  awjence 
wants  to  beleeve,  and  wich  their  interest  lies  in. 
For  instants,  I  hev  notist  wicked  men,  who  wuz 
somewhat  wedded  to  sin,  genrally  lean  toward  Uni- 
versalism  ;  men  heavily  developed  in  the  back  uv 
the  neck  are  easily  convinst  uv  the  grand  trooths  uv 
free  love  ;  and  them  ez  is  too  fond  uv  makin  money 
to  rest  on  the  seventh  day,  hev  serious  doubts  ez  to 
whether  the  observance  uv  the  Sabbath  is  bindin 
onto  em.  I,  not  likin  to  work  at  all,  am  a  firm 
beleever  in  slavery,  and  wood  be  firmer  ef  I  cood 
get  start  enuff  to  own  a  nigger. 

I  hed  gone  on  and  proved  concloosively,  from  a 
comparison  uv  the  fizzikle  structer  uv  the  Afrikin 
and  the  Caucashen,  that  the  nigger  wuz  a  beast,  and 
not  a  human  bein  ;  and  that,  consekently,  we  hed  a 


A  Discourse  upon  the  Nigger.  145 

perfeck  rite  to  catch  him,  and  tame  him,  and  yoose 
him  cz  we  do  other  wild  animals.  Finishin  this 
hed  uv  my  discourse,  I  glodc  easily  into  a  history 
uv  the  flood  ;  explained  how  Noer  got  tite  and  cust 
Ham,  condemnin  him  and  his  posterity  to  serve  his 
brethren  forever,  wich  I  insisted  give  us  an  indubi- 
table warranty  deed  to  all  uv  em  for  all  time. 

I  warmed  up  on  this  elokently.  '^  Behold,  my 
brethren,  the  beginnin  uv  Dimocrasy,"  I  sed.  "Fust, 
the  wine  (which  wuz  the  antetype  of  our  whisky) 
wuz  the  beginnin.  Wine  (or  whisky)  wuz  neces- 
sary to  the  foundation  uv  the  part}^  and  it  wuz 
forthcomin.  But  the  thing  was  not  complete.  It 
did  its  work  on  Noer,  but  yet  there  wuz  a  achin 
void.  There  was  no  Nigger  in  the  world,  and 
without  nigger  there  could  be  no  Dimocracy. 
Ham,  my  friends,  wuz  born  a  brother  uv  Japhet, 
and  wuz  like  unto  him,  and,  uv  course,  could  not 
be  a  slave.  Whisky  w^uz  the  instrument  to  bring 
him  down  ;  and  it  fetched  him.  Ham  looked  upon 
his  father,  and  was  cust ;  and  the  void  wuz  filled. 
There  wuz  Nigger  and  whisky,  and  upon 
them  the  foundasliuns  uv  the  party  wuz  laid,  broad 
and  deep.  Methinks,  my  brethren,  when  Ham 
went  out  from  the  presence  uv  his  father,  black  in 
the  face  ez  the  ace  uv  spades  (ef  I  may  be  allowed 
10 


146  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

to  yoose  the  expression),  bowin  his  back  to  the  bur- 
dens Shem  and  Japhet  piled  onto  him  with  alacrity, 
that  Democracy,  then  in  the  womb  uv  the  future, 
kicked  lively,  and  clapped  its  hands.  There  wuz  a 
nigger  to  enslave,  and  whisky  to  bring  men  do\\'n 
to  the  pint  uv  enslavin  him.  There  wuz  whisky  to 
make  men  incapable  uv  labor ;  whisky  to  accom- 
pany horse  racin,  and  poker  playin,  and  sich  ra- 
tional amoosements,  and  a  nigger  cust  especially 
that  he  mite  sweat  to  furnish  the  means.  Obsen-e 
the  fitniss  uv  things.  Bless  the  Lord,  my  brethren, 
for  whisky  and  the  nigger  ;  for,  without  em,  there 
could  be  no  Dimocris}^,  and  yoor  beloved  speaker 
mite  hev  owned  a  farm  in  Noo  Jersey,  and  bin  a 
votin  the  whig  ticket  to-day." 

At  this  pint,  a  venerable  old  freedman,  w^ho  wuz 
a  sittin  quietly  in  the  meetin,  ariz,  and  asked  ef  he 
mite  ask  a  question.  Thinkin  what  a  splendid  op- 
portoonity  there  wood  be  uv  demonstratin  the  soo- 
periority  uv  the  Caucashen  over  the  Afrikin  race,  I 
answered  "  Yes,"  gladly. 

"  Well,  Mas'r,"  sed  the  old  imbecile,  "  is  I  a 
beest?" 

"  My  venerable  friend,  there  ain't  nary  doubt 
uv  it." 

"Is  my  old  woman  a  old  beastesses,  too?" 


A  Discourse  upon  the  Nigger.         147 

"Indubitably,"  replied  I. 

"And  my  children  —  is  they  little  beasts  and 
beastesses  ?  " 

"  Onquestionably." 

"  Den  a  yaller  feller  ain't  but  a  half  a  beast, 
is  he?" 

"  My  friend,"  sed  I,  "  that  question  is " 

"  Hold  on,"  sed  he ;  "  wat  I  wanted  to  git  at  is 
dis :  dere's  a  heap  uv  yaller  fellers  in  dis  section, 
whose  fadders  must  hev  bin  white  men  ;  and,  ez 
der  mudders  wuz  all  beastesses,  I  want  to  know 
whedder  dar  ain't  no  law  in  Kentucky  agin " 

"  Put  him  out !  "  "  Kill  the  black  wretch  !  " 
shouted  a  majority  uv  them  who  bed  bin  the  heavi- 
est slave  owners  under  the  good  old  patriarkle  sys- 
tem, and  they  went  for  the  old  reprobate.  At  this 
pint,  a  officer  uv  the  Freedmen's  Bureau,  who  we 
hedn't  observed,  riz,  and,  bustin  with  laughter,  re- 
marked that  his  venerable  friend  shood  have  a 
chance  to  be  heerd.  We  respeck  that  Burow,  par- 
tikelerly  ez  the  officers  generally  hev  a  hundred  or 
two  bayonets  within  reech,  and,  chokin  our  wrath, 
permitted  ourselves  to  be  further  insulted  by  the 
cussed  nigger,  who,  grinnin  from  ear  to  ear,  riz  and 
pcrceeded. 


148  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"  My  white  friends,"  sed  he,  "  dar  pears  to  be  an 
objection  to  my  reference  to  de  subjeck  uv  dis  mixin 
with  beasts,  so  I  won't  press  de  matter.  But  I  ask 
yoo,  did  Noer  hev  three  sons?" 

''  He  did,"  sed  I. 

"  Berry  good.     Wuz  dey  all  brudders?" 

"  Uv  course." 

"  Ham  come  from  the  same  fadder  and  mudder 
as  the  odder  two?  " 

"  C-e-r-t-i-n-1-v." 

"  Well,  den,  it  seems  to  me  —  not  fully  under- 
standin  the  skripters  —  dat  if  we  is  beasts  and  beast- 
esses,  dat  you  is  beasts  and  beastesses  also,  and  dat, 
after  all,  we  is  brudders."  And  the  disgustin  old 
wretch  threw  his  arms  around  my  neck,  and  kissed 
me,  callin  me  his  "  long  lost  brudder." 

The  officer  uv  the  Freedmen's  Bureau  laft  vosif- 
erously,  and  so  did  a  dozen  or  two  soljers  in  the 
crowd  likewise  ;  and  the  awjence  slunk  out  without 
adjournin  the  meetin,  one  uv  em  remarkin,  audibly, 
that  he  had  notised  one  thing,  that  Dimocrisy  wuz 
extremely  weak  whenever  it  undertook  to  defend 
itself  with  fax  or  revelashun.  For  his  part,  he'd 
done  with  argyment.  He  wanted  niggers,  because 
he  cood  wallop  em,  and  make  cm  do  his  work  with- 
out payin  em,  w^ich  he  coodent  do  with  white  men. 


A  Discourse  upon  the  Nigger.         149 

I  left  the  meetin  house  convinst  that  the  South, 
who  worked  the  niggers,,  leavin  us  Northern  Dimo- 
krats  to  defend  the  system,  hed  the  best  end  uv  the 
bargain. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  of  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


i^o  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXIII. 

The    Workings  of  the  JPreed7ne7i^ s  Bureau.  —  A 

Report, 

CoxFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

May  27,  1866.     ) 

To  His  Eggslency  the  Dispenser  uv  Post  Orifices,  Androo 
JoHxsoN,  President  uv  the  United  States  : 

IN  akordance  with  yoor  esteemed  request,  dated 
the  35th,  and  received  this  morning,  I  to-wunst 
proceeded  to  make  doo  enquiry  ez  to  the  workin  uv 
the  Freedmen's  Burow,  and  the  condishun  uv  the 
Afrikin  citizens  uv  Amerikin  descent  in  this  vicin- 
ity. The  fact  that  a  Abhshnist  still  holds  the  Post 
Orifice  at  the  Corners  (wich  place,  by  the  way,  I 
hev  been  solicited  to  accept),  interfered  materially 
with  the  bizines  I  hed  in  hand.  I  to-wunst  tooted 
the  horn,  ez  is  the  custom  when  we  hev  religious 
sei^vis,  and  called  my  congregashun  together.  They 
kum  runni.n  in  from  the  different  groceries ;  and 
here  another  difficulty  ensood.  The  grosery  keep- 
ers wanted  to  know  what  we  wuz  a  going  to  hev 


Workings  of  the  Freedmen's  Bureau.     151 

mectin  on  week  days  for?  They  wuz  wilHn  to 
shut  up  doorin  meetin  time  on  Sundays,  ez  they 
respected  the  church,  and  it  give  em  time  to  sweep 
out  the  terbacker,  et  settery  ;  but  they'd  be  d — d  ef 
they  wuz  a  goin  to  hev  the  people  pulled  away  from 
their  nourishment  on  week  days.  I  succeeded  in 
pacifyin  em,  and  went  in  at  wunst  examinin  the 
leadin  citizens.  Their  testimony  is  ez  follows  :  — 

Captin  Skelper 

Wuz  a  nigger  owner  afore  the  war,  and  durin  the 
late  fratrisidle  struggle  wuz  a  captan  in  the  confedrit 
servis.  Wuz  with  Ginral  Forest  at  Fort  Pillow. 
Hez  hed  much  experence  with  niggers.  Bleeves 
em  to  be  adapted  to  the  climit  uv  Kentucky,  and 
much  more  able  to  stand  the  hot  sun  than  the 
whites.  When  they  wuz  slaves,  never  knowd  em 
to  refooze  to  work ;  know  they  alluz  did  work, 
becoz  he  generally  stood  over  em  with  a  nigger 
whip.  Since  they  hev  bin  free,  hez  notist  a  change  ; 
not  much  uv  a  change,  ontil  the  Nigger  Burow  wuz 
establisht.  Before  that  they'd  take  sich  wages  ez 
yoo  chose  to  give  em ;  since  then  the  d — d  heathen 
will  stand  out  bout  ez  the  white  men  do,  and  won't 
work  at  all  onless  voo  meet  their  views,  wich  made 
a  heap  up  trouble,  and  materially  retarded  the  dcvel- 


152  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

ment  uv  the  country.  The  Burow  hed  corrupted 
the  female  niggers  ;  ez  they  hed  all  bin  legally  mar- 
ried by  the  Chaplins  to  the  men  they'd  lived  with, 
and  wuz  so  sot  on  livin  with  em,  that  there's  no 
yoose  uv  yoor  tryin  to  get  a  house  wench  unless  yoo 
took  her  husband  also.  His  wife  wuz  now  doin 
degradin  work  at  home  for  want  uv  help.  Strongly 
urged  the  abrogashen  uv  the  Burow,  and  the  re- 
moval uv  the  Abolishun  Postmaster  at  the  Corners. 

Deacon  McGrath 

Wuz  eggsamined.  Wuz  convinst  in  his  own  mind 
that  the  Afrikin  wuz  now  out  uv  his  normal  speer, 
and  that  the  infernal  Burow  wuz  at  the  bottom  uv 
it.  The  nigger,  afore  the  Burow  come  around,  wuz 
docile  and  easly  controlled.  His  boy  Joe  wuz  wunst 
a  model  nigger.  He'd  get  up  every  mornin  at  4 
A.  M.  (wich  means  in  the  mornin),  and  work  every 
day  till  after  dark.  Ez  soon  ez  he  wuz  emancipated, 
ez  they  called  it,  and  the  Burow  come,  I  told  him  to 
get  up,  one  mornin ;  and  he  told  me,  impudently, 
that  he'd  concluded  he  woodent.  I  undertook  to 
chastise  him  with  a  fence  stake,  whereupon  he 
sailed  in,  and  whaled  me  ;  and  the  Burow,  to  which 
I  applied  for  redress,  larft  in  my  face.  He  left,  and 
is  now  draggin  out  a  mizerable  existence  in  Ohio, 


Workings  of  the  Freedmen's  Bureau.     153 

on  the  beggarly  pittance  uv  two  dollars  a  day,  and 
my  farm  is  runnin  to  weeds.  He  conclooded  by 
givin  it  ez  his  solemn  opinion  that  he  never  cood  be 
reconciled  to  the  Government  so  long  ez  the  Burow 
wuz  tolerated,  and  that  Ablishnist  held  the  Post 
Orifis  at  the  Corners. 

Gineral  Dinges 

Considered  the  Burow  a  inkubus  upon  the  State. 
It  interfered  between  master  and  servant.  Cood  git 
along  better  ef  the  nigger  wuz  left  to  the  nateral 
laws  wich  regulates  capital  and  labor.  Tried  to 
keep  his  niggers,  and  did  keep  em  the  past  summer 
till  after  the  crop  wuz  in,  and  then  tried  to  settle 
with  em  for  four  dollars  a  month,  with  sich  deduc- 
tions for  food,  sickness,  and  brakin  tools,  et  settry, 
ez  wuz  just.  Brought  the  niggers,  all  uv  em,  in  my 
debt,  and  generously  proposed  to  let  em  work  it  out 
choppin  cord  wood  doorin  the  winter.  Hauled  me 
up  afore  the  Burow,  and  wuz  forst  to  pay  em  each 
$15  per  month.  Consider  the  Burow  ez  all  that 
stands  in  the  way  uv  rekonstruction,  though  the 
removal  uv  the  Ablishun  Postmaster  at  the  Corners 
and  the  appintment  uv  a  sound  constooshnel  Dim- 
ekrat  wood  grately  assist  in  conciliatin  the  Kentucky 
mind. 


154  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

I  tried  to  get  some  nigger  testimony,  but  cood 
elicit  nothing  worth  while.  One  nigger,  who  sjDends 
the  heft  uv  his  time  at  the  Corners,  wuz  opposed  to 
the  Burow  becoz  it  stopt  rations  on  him.  And 
Lucy,  a  octoroon,  w4io  formerly  belonged  to,  and 
still  resides  with.  Elder  Gavitt  (who  is  now  absent 
ez  a  delegate  to  a  Southern  religious  convention  at 
Louisville),  testified  that  the  Burow  "wuz  no  grate 
shakes,"  becoz  bein  ez  the  Elder  wuz  a  widower, 
and  the  father  uv  all  her  children,  and  bein  she's  a 
free  woman,  she  askt  the  agent  to  make  the  Elder 
marry  her,  and  he  woodn't  do  it.  But  sich  evidence 
is  irrelevant,  and  I  didn't  consider  it  worth  while 
botherin  yoor  Eggslency  w^ith  it.  Both,  however, 
strongly  insisted  on  the  removal  uv  the  Ablishun 
Postmaster  at  the  Corners. 

Abslum  Pettus 

Wuz  convinst  the  Burow  wuz  agin  the  prosperity 
uv  the  State,  and  wuz  underminin  the  moral  and 
physikle  welfare  uv  the  nigger.  It  made  him  impu- 
dent. Hed  sum  uv  em  workin  for  him,  and  notist 
at  noons  and  nites  he'd  find  em  with  a  spellin-bodk 
and  a  reader.  Didn't  bleeve  in  readin.  Coodent 
read  hisself,  but  hed  a  cousin  wunst  who  learned  ; 


Workings  of  the  Freedmen's  Bureau.     155 

but  ez  soon  cz  he  cood  read  he  moved  off  to  Injc- 
anny,  quit  the  Democrisy,  and  becum  a  loathsum 
AbHshnist.  Heerd  he  wuz  killed  in  the  war,  and 
served  him  rite.  Wanted  to  know  what  we  wood 
do  when  the  niggers  cood  all  read.  Sposed  we'd 
hev  to  'Icct  em  to  offis,  cz  the  people  alluz  selected 
sich,  when  they  cood  find  em.  Didn't  bleeve  in 
nigger  equality,  and  wuz  in  favor  uv  a  imediate 
change  in  the  post  orfice  at  the  Corners. 

Captin  McSlather  thought  things  hed  cum  to  a 
sweet  old  pass,  when  a  man  coodn't  lather  a  nigger 
without  bein  hauled  up  afore  a  Burow. 

KuRNEL  Pelter  thought  ef  yoor  Eggsolency  cood 
witness  the  corupshun  that  eggsisted  in  the  Burow, 
yoo'd  make  short  work  uv  it.  Why,  he  whipped  a 
nigger  hand  more  than  he  ought,  perhaps,  and  he 
died  uv  the  injuries.  It  wuz  a  aggravatin  case. 
The  nigger  wuz  sassy,  and  it  cost  three  hundred  and 
sixteen  dollars  to  pervide  for  his  family.  That  in- 
famous Burow  made  me  pay  for  their  rashens  all 
w^inter.  He  asked,  indignantly,  ef  this  wuz  or  wuz 
not  a  free  kentry  into  wich  such  things  wuz  permit- 
ted. And  the  Ablishen  Postmaster  at  the  Corners 
approved  the  tyranikle  action.  He  demanded  his 
removal. 


156  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

I  conceive  it  to  be  onnecessary  to  submit  further 
testimony.  I  know  not  what  luck  yoor  other  com- 
missioners may  hev  met  with  in  takin  testimony  on 
this  subjick  ;  but  in  this  vicinity  there  can't  be  no 
doubt  that  there  can't  be  that  love  for  the  Govern- 
ment, without  wich  free  instooshens  won't  flourish 
to  any  alarmin  extent,  ontil  this  monster  is  squelched. 
The  testimony  is  unanimous,  and  them  ez  I  hev 
eggsamined  are  representative  men. 

You  may  hev  notist,  also,  the  singler  unanimity 
with  wich  they  all  bore  testimony  to  the  necessity 
uv  a  change  in  the  Post  Orifis  at  the  Corners.  I 
endorse  all  they  say  on  this  question,  considerin 
that  that  change  is  ez  necessary  in  the  grate  work 
uv  pacifyin  and  consiliation  ez  is  the  removal  of  the 
Burow.  In  case  a  change  is  made,  I  would  say, 
for  your  guidance,  that  I  hev  been  warmly  solici- 
ted by  my  friends  to  accept  the  position,  and  to 
pacify  em,  hev  at  last  yielded  a  reluctant  consent. 
The  fact  that  I  never  served  in  the  Confederate 
army  may  be  an  objection ;  but,  to  offset  that,  I 
voted  for  Vallandygum  twice. 

Ef  possible,  send  me  a  pardon  at  the  same  time 
yoo  send  me  my  commission  ez  Post  Master ;  for, 
if  the  Post  Offis  don't  pay,  I  may  want  to  run  for 


Workings  of  the  Freedmen's  Bureau.    157 

some    other   office,    in   wich    event   that   document 
would  be  essential  to  my  success. 

With  sentiments  uv  the  most  profound  respek, 

I  am 

Trooly  yours, 
Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


158  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


T 


XXIV. 

T^resides  at  a   Church   Trial. 

CoNFEDBiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

June  9,  1866.     ) 

HEY  hed  a  ruction  in  the  church  at  the  Corners 


yisterday,  wich  bid  fair  to  result  in  a  rendin  uv 
the  walls  of  our  Zion,  and  the  tearin  down  uv  the 
temple  we  hev  reared  with  so  much  care  and  hev 
guarded  with  so  much  solissitood.  When  I  say 
"we,"  I  mean  the  members  thereof,  ez  the  church 
wuz  reorganized  sence  the  war  by  returned  Con- 
fedrit  soljers  and  sich  Dimokrats  ez  remaned  at 
home  nootrel ;  but  inasmuch  ez  I  am  the  only  reg- 
lerly  ordained  Dimokratic  paster  in  these  parts  I 
ginerly  conduct  the  services,  and  hentz  hev  insen- 
sibly fell  into  a  habit  uv  speekin  uv  the  church  ez 
"  my "  church,  and  I  feel  all  the  solissitood  for  its 
spiritooal  and  temporal  welfare  that  I  cood  ef  I 
wuz  reglerly  ordained  ez  its  paster,  wich  I  expect  to 
be  ef  I  fail  in  gettin  that  post  offis  at  the  Corners, 


Xasbvs  Dri-am  of  the  Philadelphia  Con-^-extiox.     Pa^e  is8 


Presides  at  a  Church  Trial.  159 

wich  is  now  held  by  a  Ablishnist  uv  the  darkest 
dye,  wich  President  Johnson,  with  a  stubbornness  I 
can't  account  for,  persistently  refooses  to  remove. 

The  case  wuz  suthin  like  this  :  — 

Deekin  Pogram  wuz  charged  by  Elder  Slather 
with  hevin,  in  broad  day  lite,  with  no  attempt  at 
concealment,  drunk  with  a  nigger,  and  a  free  nigger 
at  that,  in  Bascom's  grocery,  and  to  prove  the  charge 
Deekin  Slather  called  Deekin  Pennibacker. 

The  Deekin  wuz  put  onto  the  stand,  and  testified 
ez  follows  :  — 

"  Wuz  in  Bascom's  grocery  a  playin  seven  up  for 
the  drinks  with  Deekin  Slather.  Hed  jist  beet  the 
Deekin  one  game  and  hed  four  on  the  second,  and 
held  high,  low,  and  jack,  and  wuz  modritly  certin  uv 
goin  out,  partiklerly  ez  the  Deekin  didn't  beg.  Wuz 
hevin  a  little  discussion  with  him  —  the  Deekin  in- 
sistin  that  it  wuz  the  best  three  in  five,  instead  uv 
the  best  two  in  three,  jest  ez  though  a  man  cood 
afford  to  play  five  games  between  drinks  !  The  ijee 
is  preposterous  and  unheard  of,  and  ther  ain't  no 
precedent  for  any  sich  course.  We  wuz  settlin  the 
dispoot  in  regler  orthodox  style  —  he  hed  his  fingers 
twisted  in  my  neck  handkercher,  and  I  held  a  stick 
uv  stove  wood  suspended  over  his  head.  While  in 
this  position  we  wuz  transfixed  with  horror  at  seein 


i6o  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Deekin   Pogram  enter,  arm-in-arm  with   a   nigger, 
and, — 

The  Co7i7't.  —  Arm-in-arm,  did  you  say,  Brother 
Pennibacker  ? 

Witness.  —  Certainly. 

The  Coui't.  —  The  scribe  will  make  a  minnit  uv 
this.     Go  on. 

Witness.  —  They  cum  in  together,  ez  I  sed,  arm- 
in-arm,  walked  up  to  the  bar,  and  drank  together. 

By  the  Court.  —  Did  they  drink  together  ? 

Witness.  —  They  ondeniably  did. 

By  772yself.  —  The  Court  desires  to  know  what 
partikeler  flooid  they  absorbed. 

Witness.  —  Can't  say  —  spose  'twas  Bascom's  new 
whiskey  —  that's  all  he's  got,  ez  the  Court  very  well 
knows. 

By  myself.  —  The  Sexton  will  go  at  once  to  Bas- 
com's and  procoor  the  identicle  bottle  from  wich 
this  WTetched  man,  who  stands  charged  with  thus 
lowerin  hisself,  drunk,  and  bring  it  hither.  The 
Court  desires  to  know  for  herself  whether  it  was 
really  whisky.  The  ^mt  is  an  important  one  for 
the  Court  to  know. 

A  wicked  boy  remarked  that  the  pint  wood  be 
better  onderstood  by  the  Court  if  it  wuz  a  quart. 
The  bottle  wuz,  however,  brought,  and  the  Court, 


Presides  at  a  Church  Trial.  i6i 

vvich  is  me,  wuz  satisfied  that  it  wuz  really  and 
trooly  whisky.  Ez  the  refreshin  flooid  irrigated  my 
parched  throat,  I  wished  that  trials  based  upon  that 
bottle  cood  be  perpetooal. 

I  considered  the  case  proved,  and  asked  Brother 
Pogram  what  palliation  he  bed  to  offer.  I  set  before 
him  the  enormity  uv  the  crime,  and  showed  him 
that  he  was  by  this  course  sappin  the  very  foun- 
dashun  uv  the  Church  and  the  Democratic  party. 
Wat's  the  use,  I  askt,  uv  my  preachin  agin  nigger 
equality,  so  long  ez  my  Deekins  practis  it?  I  told 
him  that  Ham  wuz  cust  by  Noer,  and  wuz  con- 
demned to  be  a  servant  unto  his  brethren  —  that  he 
wuz  an  inferior  race,  that  the  Dimocrisy  wuz  built 
upon  that  idea,  and  that  associatin  with  him  in  any 
shape  that  indicated  equality,  wuz  either  puttin  them 
up  to  our  standard  or  lowrin  ourselves  to  theirn  ;  in 
either  case  the  result  wuz  fatal.  I  implored  Brother 
Pogram  to  make  a  clean  breast  uv  it,  confess  his  sin, 
and  humbly  receeve  sich  punishment  ez  shood  be 
awarded  him,  and  go  and  sin  no  more.  "  Speak 
up,  Brother  Pogram,"  sez  I,  paternally,  and  yet  se- 
verely. 

Brother  Pogram,  to  my  unspeekable  relief,  for  he 
is  the  wealthiest  member  of  the  congregashun,  and 
one  we  darsn't  expel,  replied, — 
II 


i62  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"  That  he  did  drink  with  the  nigger,  and  wat 
wuz    more,  he   wuz  justified    in    doin   it,  for   the 

NIGGER     PAID     FOR     THE     WHISKY  !  !  " 

"  But  shoorly,"  I  remarked,  "  it  wasn't  nessary  to 
yoor  purpose  to  come  in  with  the  nigger  arm-in- 
arm, —  a  attitood  wich  implies  familiarity,  ef  not 
affeckshun." 

The  Prisoner,  —  The  nigger  and  I  hed  bin  pitch- 
in  coppers  for  drinks,  and  I,  possessin  more  akootnis, 
hed  won.  I  took  the  nigger  by  the  arm,  fearin  that 
ef  I  let  go  uv  him  he'd  dodge  without  payin.  They 
are  slippery. 

Overjoyed,  I  clasped  him  around  the  neck,  and  to- 
wunst  dismist  the  charge  as  mifounded  and  frivo- 
lous. 

"  My  brethren,"  sez  I,  "  the  action  of  Brother 
Pogram  is  not  only  justifiable,  but  is  commendable, 
and  worthy  of  imitashun.  Ham  wuz  cust  by  Noer, 
and  condemned  by  him  to  serve  his  brethren.  The 
nigger  is  the  descendant  of  Ham,  and  we  are  the 
descendants  uv  the  brethren,  and  ef  Noer  hed  a  clear 
rite  to  cuss  one  of  his  sons,  and  sell  him  out  to  the 
balance  uv  the  boys  for  all  time,  we  hev  ded  wood 
on  the  nigger,  for  it  is  clear  that  he  wuz  made  to 
labor  for  us  and  minister  to  our  wants.  So  it  wuz, 
my  brethren,  until  an  Ape,  who  hed  power,  inter- 


Presides  at  a  Church  Trial.  163 

fered  and  delivered  him  out  of  our  hand.  Wat  shel 
we  do?  Wat  we  cannot  do  by  force  we  must  do  by 
financeerin.  We  can't  any  longer  compel  the  nigger 
to  furnish  us  the  means,  and  therefore  in  order  to 
fulfil  the  skripter,  we  are  justified  in  accomplishing 
by  our  sooperior  skill  wat  we  used  to  do  with  whips 
and  dorgs. 

*'  The  spectacle  uv  Brother  Pogram's  marchin 
into  Bascom's  with  that  nigger  wuz  a  sublime  spec- 
tacle, and  one  well  calculated  to  cheer  the  heart  uv 
the  troo  Dimekrat.  He  hed  vanquished  him  in  an 
encounter  where  skill  wuz  required,  thus  demon- 
stratin  the  sooperiority  uv  the  Anglo-Saxon  mind  — 
he  led  him  a  captive,  and  made  uv  him  a  spoil. 

"  Wood,  O  wood  that  we  all  hed  a  nigger  to  play 
with  for  drinks  !  The  case  is  dismissed,  the  costs  to 
be  paid  by  the  complainant !  " 

The  walls  uv  our  Zion  is  stronger  than  ever. 
This  trial,  ez  it  resulted,  is  a  new  and  strong  abut- 
ment—  a  tall  and  strong  tower. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


164  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXV. 

Turns    a    Meeting.,    called    to    Lido^se    General 
Rosseau^  to  Account. 

CONFEDRIT    X    ROADS       ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 
June  22,  1866.     J 

THERE  wuz  joy  at  the  Corners  when  the  Post- 
master (who  takes  the  only  paper  wich  comes 
to  the  office,  ceptin  a  few  wich  comes  to  some 
demorahzed  niggers  who  liev  learned  to  read,  and 
the  officers  liv  the  Freedmen's  Burow  here)  read  to 
the  crowd  the  news  uv  the  canin  wich  Rosso,  wich 
is  uv  Kentucky,  give  Grinnell.  It  sent  a  thrill  uv 
joy  through  the  State,  wich  ain't  done  thrillin  yet. 
Bustin  out  into  nine  harty  cheers,  we  to-wunst 
organized  a  meetin  for  the  purpose  uv  expressin  our 
feelins  on  the  momentous  occasion.  The  bell  wuz 
rung,  the  people  gathered  together,  and  I  wuz 
elected  Chairman  (they  alluz  elect  me  to  preside 
becoz  I'm  bald-hedded ;  they  think  bald  heads  and 
dignity  is  inseparable),  and  Deekin  Pogram  Secre- 


Meeting  to  Indorse  Gen.  Rosseau.     165 

tary,  with  36  Vice-Presidents  —  one  for  each  State. 
I  made  a  short  speech  on  takin  the  chair,  congratu- 
latin  em  on  the  auspicious  event  wich  called  us 
together.  Whereupon  a  Committee  on  Resolutions 
wuz  appinted,  wich,  after  a  short  absense,  reported 
ez  follows :  — 

Whereas,  Genral  Rosso,  a  native-born  Kentuckian, 
and  therefore  a  gentleman,  hevin  got  into  a  argu- 
ment with  a  Iowa  sheep-breeder ;  and, 

Whereas,  hevin  got  the  wust  uv  the  argument, 
he  dextrously  turned  it  into  blackguardin  ;  and, 

Whereas,  hevin  got  the  wust  uv  the  blackguardin, 
he  remembered  the  ancient  usages  uv  the  chivalrous 
sons  uv  the  South,  and  caned  him  ;  therefore,  be  it 

Resolved^  That  we,  the  Dimocrisy  tiv  Confedrit 
X  Roads,  wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky,  hereby 
thank  General  Rosso  for  his  manly  vindication  uv 
the  character  uv  Kentucky. 

Resolved^  That  we  know  not  wich  to  admire  the 
most ;  the  dashin  Gineral's  courage  in  bravin  the 
public  sentiment  uv  the  North,  or  his  prudence  in 
selectin  the  smallest  and  physically  weakest  man  in 
the  House  to  demonstrate  onto. 

Resolved^  That  ez  Thad  Stevens  is  70  years  uv 
age,  and  lame,  and  hardly  recovered  from  his  fit  uv 


i66  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

sickness,  we  suggest  that  our  beloved  hero  com- 
mence a  argument  with  him,  feelin  that  so  far  ez 
the  argument  and  blackguardin  goes  the  result  will 
be  the  same,  only  so  much  more  so  ez  to  give  him  a 
good  excuse  for  killin  him,  wich  wood  be  doin  the 
South  a  servis  indeed. 

Resolved^  That  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Kentucky  hevent 
felt  so  good  sence  the  Memphis  riots. 

Resolved^  That  this  manly  act  uv  Gineral  Rosso's 
makes  up  and  compensates  the  South  for  the  out- 
rage he  inflicted  onto  her  when  he  jined  the  vandal 
host  wich  devastated  her  soil,  and  that  hereafter  he 
shel  be  receeved  with  just  the  same  cordiality  ez  tho 
he  had  gone  into  the  Confedrit  instid  uv  the  Federal 
sei'vis. 

Resolved^  That  the  thanks  uv  the  Dimocrisy  are 
due  the  bold,  brave  men  who  accompanied  and 
stood  by  General  Rosso  in  this  vindication  uv  the 
Southern  spirit. 

I  put  the  aflfirmative,  ez  is  the  custom  here,  it  bein 
the  rool,  when  the  leaders  want  a  thing  to  pass, 
never  to  call  for  the  nays,  and  it  went  through  all 
right.  Then  I  arose,  and  stated  I  hed  another 
resolution,  wich  I  wished  to  ofier,  and  I  read 
it:  — 


Meeting  to  Indorse  Gen.  Rosseau.     167 

Resolved^  That  in  retainin  in  the  Post  Offis,  at 
tlie  Corners,  a  Ablishnist,  President  Johnson  is  —  " 

At  this  point  Deekin  Pograni  interrupted  me. 
He  spozed  this  meetin  wuz  called  to  congratulate 
Ginral  Rosso,  and  wat  wuz  the  sense  uv  mixin  up  a 
paltry  Post  Offis  with  a  matter  uv  so  much  impor- 
tance ez  the  canin  uv  a  Ablishnist?  It  was  clearly 
out  uv  order. 

I  replied,  — 

"  Wood  yoo  be  glad,  or  wood  this  congregashun 
be  glad,  to  hev  me  in  the  Post  Orfis  in  the  place  uv 
that  Ablishnist?" 

The  Deekin  replied  that  personally  he  wood. 
He  had  the  highest  respect  for  my  massive  talents 
and  my  excellent  qualities  uv  head  and  heart,  and 
besides,  he  thought  probable,  ef  I  got  the  Post  Orfis, 
he  wood  stand  a  chance  uv  gettin  the  nine  dollars 
and  sixty-tv\^o  cents  borrowed  money  I  owed  him, 
and  — 

I  called  him  to  order  at  once. 

Bascom,  who  keeps  the  grocery,  and  who  fur- 
nishes me  with  likker  (wich  I  hev  to  take  for  my 
hair)  on  the  strength  uv  remittances  I  am  to  receeve, 
insisted  on  hearin  the  resolution  ef  it  wood  further 
my  gettin  the  Post  Orfis,  and  so  did  the  benevolent 
gentleman  with  whom  I  board,  and  I  resoomed,  — 


1 68  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"  I  kin  see  a  good  reason  for  incorporatin  a  reso- 
looshun  demandin  a  change  in  the  Post  Orfis  into 
the  proceedins  uv  this  meetin.  There  wood  be,  my 
friends,"  sed  I,  "  no  yoose  uv  sendin  him  a  naked 
resolution  demandin  this  change,  becoz  he  reseeves 
hundreds  and  tens  uv  hundreds  uv  appHcations  for 
offices  every  day ;  in  fact,  they  pile  in  at  sich  a  rate 
that  he  never  opens  the  half  uv  them.  The  Dimoc- 
risy,  my  brethren,  are  alive  on  this  subject.  Ef 
they  are  to  support  the  President,  they  want,  and 
will  hev,  the  post  orifises,  for  uv  what, use  is  it  to 
support  a  man  and  pay  yoor  own  expenses?  It  is 
plain  that  the  proceedins  uv  a  post  offis  meetin 
wood  never  reach  him,  but  this,  my  brethren,  goes 
up  to  him  from  the  peopj.e,  endorsin  a  supporter  uv 
his  policy,  and  ez  it  will  be  the  only  one  he  hez 
reseeved,  or  will  reseeve,  he  w411  read  it  and  read  it 
through,  and  in  the  exultation  he  will  feel  at  bein 
endorsed  by  anybody,  who  doubts  the  result?  The 
Post  Orifis  is  mine." 

Bascom,  the  grocery  keeper,  moved,  excitedly, 
the  adoption  uv  the  resolution.  I  suggested  that  1 
hed  better  read  it,  but  he  sed  it  made  no  difference  ; 
he  knew  it  wuz  all  rite.  The  benevolent  and  con- 
fidin  individooal  I  board  with  seconded  the  motion, 
and  Deekin  Pogram  supported  it  in  a  short  speech, 


Meeting  to  Indorse  Gen.  Rosseau.     169 

statin  that  he  understood  that  it  wuz  Brother  Nasby's 
intention,  ef  he  succeeded  in  procoorin  the  position, 
to  devote  the  first  three  and  a  half  years'  salary 
towards  payinoffthe  small  indebtedness  he  hed  con- 
tracted sence  he  hed  honored  the  town  by  residin  in 
it.  To  all  uv  wich  I  blandly  smiled  an  assent, 
whereupon  the  resolution  wuz  adopted  yoonani- 
musly.  Hevin  lived  here  a  little  risin  uv  a  year,  the 
vote  wuz  perfeckly  yoonanimous. 
My  prospex  is  britenin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


170  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXVI. 

Preaches — T7ie  ^^ Prodigal  Son^''  —  An  Interrup- 
tion. 

CoNFEDKiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 

July  6,  1866.      > 

I  PREACHED  last  Sabbath,  or  rather,  tried  to, 
from  the  parable  of  the  Prodigal  Son.  We  hed 
a  splendid  congregashun.  I  notice  a  revival  of  the 
work  in  this  part  uv  the  Dimocratic  vineyard  wich 
reely  cheers  me.  The  demonstrashun  our  friends 
made  in  Memphis,  the  canin  uv  Grinnel  by  Rosso, 
and  the  call  for  a  Johnson  Convenshun  in  Philadel- 
phia, all,  all  hev  conspired  to  comfort  the  souls  uv  the 
Dimocrisy,  and  encourage  em  to  renewed  effort.  It 
is  bringing  forth  fruit.  Only  last  week  five  northern 
men  were  sent  whirlin  out  of  this  section.  They 
dusted  in  the  night  to  escape  hangin,  leavin  their 
goods  as  a  prey  for  the  righteous.  Six  niggers  hev 
bin  killed  and  one  Burow  officer  shot.  Trooly  there 
is  everything  to  encourage  us. 

The  house  wuz  full.     The  weather  wuz  hot,  and 


Preaches  —  The  "Prodigal  Son."       171 

the  pleasant  incense  iiv  mingled  whiskey,  tobacco, 
and  snuff  wich  ariz  wuz  grateful  to  me.  The  sun 
shone  in  on  Deekin  Pogram's  foce  ez  he  gently 
slept,  and  when  the  sun  hits  him  square  I  kin  alluz 
tell  wher  he  sets,  even  ef  it  is  dark.  He  drinks 
apple-jack  instead  of  corn  whiskey,  and  chaws  fine 
cut  tobacker  instead  uv  plug,  and  consekently  when 
in  the  pulpit  I  kin  distinguish  the  pecooliar  aroma 
uv  his  breath  from  those  around  him. 

"  My  brethren,"  sed  I,  "  sich  uv  yoo  ez  hev  Bibles 
in  yoor  houses,  kin  get  somebody  to  read  yoo  the 
parable  to  wich  I  shel  call  yoor  attention.  A  man, 
wunst  upon  a  time,  hed  sons,  ez  many  men  hev 
since,  and  wun  uv  em  wuz  a  tough  one.  He  left 
his  home  and  went  into  far  countries,  makin  the  old 
man  shel  out  his  share  uv  the  estate,  and  he  lived 
high,  jist,  my  brethren,  ez  yoor  boys  do,  or  rather, 
did,  when  they  went  to  Noo  Orleans,  in  the  days 
when  yoo  hed  a  nigger  or  two  wich  yoo  cood  sell 
to  supply  em  with  money.  He  played  draw  poker 
and  faro  ;  he  drank  fancy  drinks,  and  boarded  at  big 
hotels  ;  and  he  foUered  after  strange  women,  wich  '11 
bust  a  man  quicker  nor  any  one  small  sin  the  devil 
hez  yet  invented,  ez  yoor  pastor  kin  testify.  Uv 
course,  his  pile  give  out,  and  he  got  down,  my 
friends,    did    this    ingenuous    yooth,    to    rags    and 


173  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

wretchedness,  and  ended  in  being  an  overseer  uv 
swine.  What  did  he  do?  He  ariz  and  went  to  his 
father,  and  the  old  man  saw  him  afar  off,  and  went 
out  to  meet  him,  and  fell  onto  his  neck,  and  give 
him  a  order  for  a  soot  of  clothes  and  a  pair  uv 
boots,  and  put  a  ring  onto  his  finger,  and  made  a 
feast,  killin  for  the  purpose  the  fatted  calf  wich  he 
hed  saved  for  another  occasion. 

"  My  friends,  you  kin  find  in  the  Skripter  suthin 
applicable  to  every  occasion,  and  this  parable  fits 
the  present  time  like  a  ready-made  coat.  The  South 
is  the  Prodigal  Son.  We  went  out  from  our  father's 
house  on  a  expedition  wich  heznt  proved  altogether 
a  success.  We  spent  our  share  uv  the  estate,  and  a 
little  more.  We  run  through  with  our  means,  and 
hev  cum  down  to  rags,  and  dirt,  and  filth,  and  hun- 
ger. We  are,  and  hev  bin  some  time,  a  chawin 
husks.  We  run  out  after  them  twin  harlots,  Slavery 
and  State  Rights,  and  they've  cleaned  us  out.  Our 
pockets  are  empty.  No  more  doth  the  pleasant 
half-dollar  jingle  in  sweet  unison  agin  its  fellows. 
Our  wallets  is  barren  uv  postal  currenc}^,  and  the 
grocery-keepers  mourn,  and  refuse  to  be  comforted, 
becoz  we  are  not.  We  hev  got  to  the  husk  stage 
uv  our  woe,  and  wood  be  tendin  hogs,  ef  the  armies, 
wich  past  through  these  countries,  hed  left  us  any. 


Preaches  —  The  "Prodigal  Son."       173 

We  hev  kiim  back.  In  rags  and  dirt  we  hev  wended 
our  way  to  Washington,  and  ask  to  be  taken  back. 
Now,  why  don't  our  father,  the  Government,  fulfil 
the  Skripter?  Why  don't  it  see  us  afar  off,  and  run 
out  to  meet  us?  Why  don't  it  put  onto  us  a  purple 
robe?  Where's  the  ring  for  our  finger,  and  the 
shoes  for  our  feet?  and  where's  the  fatted  calf  he 
ouofht  to  kill?  Mv  brethren,  them  Ablishnists  is 
worse  than  infiddles  —  wdiile  they  preach  the  gospel 
they  won't  practise  it.     For  my  part,  I " 

At  this  point  a  sargent,  belongin  to  that  infernal 
Burow,  who  wuz  in  the  awdience,  with  enough  uv 
soldiers  to  make  opposin  uv  him  unpleasant,  sed  he 
hed  bin  a  sort  uv  an  exhorter  in  his  day,  and  desired 
to  say  a  word  in  explanation  uv  that  parable,  ez  ap- 
plicable to  the  present  time  ;  and,  sez  he,  "  ef  I  am 
interrupted,  remember  I  b'long  to  the  church  mili- 
tary, wich  is,  just  now,  the  church  triumphant." 
And  cockin  his  musket  he  proceeded,  very  much 
uninterrupted. 

"  The  prodigal  son,"  sez  he,  "  wuz  received  by 
the  old  man  with  considerable  doins,  but,  my  worthy 
friends,  he  went  out  decently.  He  didn't,  ez  soon  ez 
he  withdrawed  from  the  house,  turn  around  and  make 
war  onto  the  old  gentleman  —  he  didn't  burn  his  house 
and  barns,  tear  up  his  garden,  burn  his  fences,  and 


1 74  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

knock  down  the  balance  uv  the  children.  Not  any. 
He  went  away  peaceably,  a  misguided  good-for- 
nothin,  but  yet  a  peaceable  good-for-nothin.  Sec- 
ondly, he  come  back  uv  his  own  akkord.  The  old 
man  didn't  go  after  him,  and  fight  for  four  years,  at 
a  cost  uv  half  his  substance,  to  subdue  him  and 
bring  him  back,  but  when  he  hed  run  through  his 
pile,  and  squandered  his  share  uv  the  estate,  and  got 
hungry,  he  came  back  like  a  whipped  dog. 

"  My  friends,  let  me  draw  a  small  parallel  between 
tliese  cases. 

"  The  Prodigal  Son  went  out,  —  so  did  the  South, 
—  thus  farly  the  cases  is  alike. 

"  The  Prodigal  didn't  steal  nothin.  The  Confed- 
eracy took  everything  it  coed  lay  its  hands  on. 

"  The  Prodigal  spent  only  what  wuz  his  to  spend. 
The  Confederacy  spent  not  only  all  it  stole,  but  all 
it  cood  borrer,  when  it  knowd  its  promises  to  pay 
wuzent  worth  the  mizable  paper  they  wnz  printed 
onto. 

"  The  Prodigal,  when  he  did  come,  come  ez  peni- 
tent ez  the  consciousness  that  he  hed  made  a  fool 
uv  hisself  cood  make  him.  The  Confederacy  wuz 
whi^Dped  back,  but  it  still  swears  hefty  oatlis  that  it 
wuz  right  all  the  time. 

"  The  Prodigal  didn't  demand  veal  pot-pies,  and 


Preaches  —  The  "Prodigal  Son."       175 

purple  robes,  and  sich,  but  begged  to  be  a  ser- 
vant unto  the  more  sensible  brethren  wich  stayed. 
The  South  comes  back  demandin  office,  uv  wich 
the  fatted  calf,  and  rings,  and  purple  robes  is  typical, 
and  considerably  more  share  in  the  government  than 
it  had  before  it  kicked  over  the  traces,  and  went  out 
like  the  lost  tribes  uv  Israel. 

"  Spozn  die  Bible  prodigal  hed  stopped  his  parient, 
and  remarked  to  him  thus :  '  I  am  willin  to  come 
back,  on  conditions.  Yoo  must  pay  my  debts  —  yoo 
must  give  me  an  ekal  share  uv  the  farm  with  the 
other  boys  —  yoo  must  treat  me  in  all  respecks  just 
ez  ef  I  hadn't  gone  out,  and  —  this  is  essential  — 
yoo  must  take  with  me  all  the  sharpers  who  ruined 
me,  all  the  gamblers  and  thieves  with  whom  I  fell 
in  while  I  wuz  away,  and  make  them  head  men  on 
the  place ;  and  above  all,  I  hev  with  me  the  two 
harlots  wich  wuz  the  prime  cause  of  my  ruin,  and 
they  must  hev  eleven  of  the  best  rooms  in  the  house, 
and  must  be  treated  ez  your  daughters.  To  avoid 
displeasin  the  others,  I'll  dress  em  in  different 
clothes,  but  here  they  must  stay.  Otherwise,  I'll  go 
out  agin.' 

"  Probably  the  old  gentleman  wood  hev  become 
indignant,  and  would  hev  remarked  to  him  to  go, 
and  never  let  him  see  his  audacious  face   agin,   or 


176  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

rather,  he  would  hev  strangled  the  harlots,  scat- 
tered the  blacklegs,  and  choked  the  young  sprout 
into  submission.  Them's  me.  I  am  anxious  to 
kill  that  fatted  calf,  and  am  also  anxious  to  put 
on  yoo  robes  and  shoes.  But,  alas !  the  calf  suf- 
fered from  want  uv  attention  so  long  doorin  the 
late  misunderstandins  that  he's  too  poor  —  the  robes 
wuz  all  cut  up  into  bloo  kotes  for  the  soljers  we 
sent  out  to  fetch  you  in  —  the  shoes  they  wore  out, 
and  the  rings  — Jeff 'son  Davis  wears  the  only  stjde 
we  hev.  When  you  come  back  in  good  slxipe, 
yool  find  us  ready  to  meet  you  ;  but  till  then,  chaw 
husks  I " 

Lookin  around,  this  armed  t}Tant  remarked  that 
there  would  be  no  more  preaching  that  day,  and 
sadly  the  congregation  dispersed. 

I'm  heart  sick.  At  every  turn  I  make  that  Burow 
stares  me  in  the  face,  and  counteracts  my  best  en- 
deavors. It's  curious,  though,  what  different  ser- 
mons kin  be  preached  from  the  same  text,  and  it's 
also  curious  how  quiet  our  folks  listen  to  a  ablishnist 
who  hez  muskets  to  back  him. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  of  the  New  Dispensashun. 


A  Pleasant  Dream.  177 


XXVII. 


A  Pleasatit  Dream,  the  Philadelphia  Convention 
bei7ig  the  Subject  thereof. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

July  28, 1866.     ) 

MY  dreams,  uv  wich  I  hev  hed  many  doorin 
the  past  five  years,  hevent  bhi  overly  pleas- 
ant;  indeed,  they  hev  taken  more  the  shape  uv 
hideous  nitemares  than  anything  else  —  Linkin, 
Grant,  Sherman,  and  armies  dressed  in  blue,  figurin 
extensively  therein.  But  last  nite  I  hed  a  vision 
w^ich  more  than  repaid  me  for  all  I  hev  suffered 
heretofore.  I  hed  bin  at  the  Corners  assistin  in 
inauguratin  a  new  grocery.  The  proprietor  wuz  a 
demoralized  Ablishnist  who  hed  sold  likker  surrep- 
titiously in  Maine,  among  them  Ablishunists,  and 
consekently  hed  no  idea  uv  the  quantity  a  full  grown 
Kentucky  Democrat  cood  throw  hisself  outside  uv. 
His  entire  capital  with  which  he  proposed  to  com- 
mence biznis  wuz  one  barrel  uv  new  corn  whiskey, 


I  2 


1 78  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

and  some  other  necessaries,  and  ez  a  starter,  to 
make  the  acquaintance  uv  his  customers,  he  an- 
nounced one  free  nite,  and  invited  the  entire  com- 
munity. His  invitashun  wuz  considered  generous, 
and  ^ve  met  it  in  the  same  noble  sperit  —  in  a 
more  nobler  sperit  than  the  confidin  and  ignorant 
man  desired,  in  fact ;  for  when  we  got  through,  in 
about  38  minits,  there  wuzn't  a  drop  uv  the  whiskey 
left,  and  while  the  new  grocery  keeper  wuz  a  rollin 
uv  us  out,  he  wuz  cussin  hisself  for  a  fool.  He 
didn't  open  agin  ;  he  consoomed  his  stock  in  trade 
in  givin  the  blow-out  to  sekoor  customers.  His 
stock,  like  A.  Johnson's  Unionism,  didn't  sui*vive  an 
inaugerashen. 

I  succumbed  in  a  fence  corner,  and  overpowered 
ez  I  wuz,  slept 

"A  sweetly  dreamin  — 
Dreamin  the  happy  hours  away." 

Methought  I  wuz  in  Philadelphia,  and  the  14th  uv 
August  had  arriv.  There  wuz  a  glorious  assem- 
blage, ez  Doolittle  sed,  uv  the  brains  and  hearts  uv 
the  country,  and  I  may  add,  ez  I  and  Humphrey 
Marshall  wuz  there,  uv  the  bowels  likewise.  The 
Convenshun  wuz  assemblin.  There  wuz  Seward 
present,  engineerin  uv  it.     On   one  side  uv  him  I 


A  Pleasant  Dream. 


79 


notist,  in  my  dream,  a  shadowy  bciii  with  wings, 
draped  in  white,  and  wearin  a  melonkoly  look,  with 
one  hand  a  layin  on  his  shoulder,  a  tryin  to  take  him 
out  uv  the  hall,  while  another  bein,  with  wings  like 
a  bat,  hed  him  by  the  nose,  and  wuz  a  twistin  uv 
him  jest  ez  he  desired.  I  notist  that  this  last  men- 
tioned bein  hed  hoofs,  wich  wuz  split,  and  a  tail 
wich  he  wuz  flirtin  in  great  glee.  The  bein  with 
the  tail  and  hoofs  whispered  suthin  in  Seward's  ear, 
whereupon  he  moved  that  that  eminent  patriot,  Ex- 
President  Fr^slNKLIN  Pierce,  be  chairman ;  upon 
wich  the  shadowy  bein  in  wdiite  unfolded  her  wings, 
and  flew  away,  castin  at  William  the  most  sorrow- 
ful look  I  ever  saw,  the  hoofed  and  tailed  individooal 
laughin  tremendous.  The  Ex-President  took  the 
chair,  and  one  Vice-President  wuz  appointed  from 
each  State,  ceptin  Vermont  and  Massachoosits.  My 
buzzum  swelled  w^ith  emoshen  ez  that  list  wuz  read  ; 
it  wuz  more  like  an  old-fashioned  Democratic  Con- 
venshun  than  anything  I  hed  heard  for  five  long 
years.  I  heard  the  honored  names  uv  Toombs  and 
Rhett,  Pryor  and  Lee,  Slidell  and  Rosso,  and  Dan- 
dridge  and  Forrest ;  I  heard  the  names  uv  Craven 
and  Pollard,  Thompson  and  Forsyth,  and  I  felt  like 
him  uv  old  —  "  Mine  eyes  hev  seen  thy  glory,  now  let 
thy  servant  depart  in  peace."     Nothin  but  the  cer- 


I  So  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

tainty  that  I  wood  at  last  hev  that  Post  Offis  at  the 
Corners  kept  me  from  goiii  up.  Singler  'tis  wat 
slender  ties  hold  us  to  earth  ! 

The  Secretaries  wuz  apinted,  and  then  the  com- 
mittees—  two  on  each  from  the  South  and  one  from 
the  North,  wich  wuz  consiliatin.  I  wuz  put  on  the 
committee  on  credenshals,  Randall,  the  Postmaster- 
General,  bein  the  Northern  representative.  We 
hed  our  hands  full.  There  wuz  a  rush  made  on  us, 
so  many  claimin  seats  that  we  locked  the  doors  for 
two  hours  to  decide  what  shood  be  the  proper  quali- 
fication for  a  place.  Finally  we  agreed  to  admit  ez 
delegates,  — 

From  the  North  —  all  Dimocrats  who  had 
bin  arrested  by  Linkin's  minyuns  ;  all  officers  who 
hed  resined  rather  than  to  sen^e  in  a  Ablishun  war, 
and  all  Republikins  who  cood  show  a  commishun 
ez  Postmaster  and  sich,  and  (this  \vuz  considered 
necessary  to  guard  agin  imposition)  who  wuz  willin 
to  take  his  solemn  oath  that  he  wuz  a  steadfast 
bleever  in  everything  A.  Johnson  hed  did  sence 
Janooary,  '66  (ceptin  sum  small  items  wich  wuz 
specified),  and  all  he  wuz  doin,  and  all  he  mite  do. 

From  the  South  —  all  who  cood  show  a  offi- 
cer's commission  in  the  late  Confedrit  army  ;  all  who 
had  receeved  a  pardon  from  A.  Johnson,  and   all 


A  Pleasant  Dream.  i8i 

who  hed  lost  their  niggers  in  an  unholy  war,  wich 
inclooded  all  present. 

This  decided  upon,  the  work  wuz  done.  The 
delegates  took  their  seats,  and  the  grate  work  uv 
Reconstructin  the  Yoonyun  commenced.  Garret 
Davis  wanted  to  make  a  speech,  and  a  hall  wuz 
hired  for  him  in  another  part  uv  the  city,  and  fifty 
or  sixty  German  emigrants,  who  coodent  understand 
a  word  uv  English,  hired  at  a  shillin  an  hour  to  act 
ez  audience.  Five  kegs  uv  lager  beer,  a  flooid  wich 
I  hev  bin  told  Germans  tie  to,  hed  bin  rolled  in  the 
hall,   and    most  uv  cm   stayed    seven  hours  and  a 

half. 

In  the  regler  Hall  there  wuz  a  comminglin  which 
w^uz  edifyin.  Doolittle  wood  make  a  motion,  and 
Vallandigham  wood  second  it.  Forrest  made  a 
speech,  and  Randall  indorsed  it.  Seward  and  John 
Morrissey  were  on  the  Committee  on  Resolutions, 
and  Dick  Taylor  and  Cowman  were  occupyin  one 
seat.  The  resolutions  were  brief  and  to  the  pint. 
They  resolved  that,  — 

Whereas,  there  hed  bin  a  season  uv  unpleasant- 
ness in  our  national  history,  wich,  owin  to  circum- 
stances over  wich  nobody  hed  any  control,  extended 
over  several  periods  uv  ninety  days  each  ;  and 


1 82  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

Whereas,  the  unpleasantness  resulted  from  the 
two  sections  viewin  things  each  from  its  own  stand- 
pint,  instead  of  viewin  things  from  the  other's  stand- 
pint  ;  and 

Whereas,  both  parties  wuz  highly  in  the  wrong, 
partikelerly  the  North  ;  and 

Whereas,  the  South,  with  a  magnanimity  unknown 
in  history,  hed  thrown  down  her  arms,  and  wuz 
ready  to  resoom  her  old  position  in  the  Government 
—  nay,  more,  to  take  more  than  her  old  share  in  the 
trouble  uv  runnin  the  Government ;  therefore  be  it 

Resolved^  That  we  are  for  the  Yoonyun  ez  it 
wuz. 

Resolved^  That  the  persistency  uv  a  sectional 
Congress,  in  continuin  the  unpleasantness  wich  hez 
to  some  extent  disturbed  our  system  uv  Government, 
in  legistatin  while  eleven  sovereign  States  is  unrep- 
resented, is  pizen. 

Resolved^  That  w^e  view  with  alarm  the  manifest 
determination  uv  Congress  to  centralize  in  their- 
selves  the  law-makin  power  uv  the  Government, 
and  we  pledge  our  support  to  our  worthy  Chief 
Magistrate,  who  is  a  second  Jaxon,  in  his  efforts  to 
check  their  centralizin  schemes  by  vetoin  all  they 
may  do. 

Resolved^  That  all  traces  uv  the  late  onpleasant- 


A  Pleasant  Dream.  1S3 

ness  may  be  wiped  out  cz  soon  ez  possible,  we 
demand  uv  Congress  an  appropriation  for  plowin 
over  all  the  fields  on  wich  the  citizens  uv  the  two 
sections  who  wuz  indoost  by  their  respective  Gov- 
ernments, so-called,  to  carry  muskets,  cum  to- 
gether, particklerly  them  on  wich  our  Southern 
brethren  got  the  worst  uv  the  disputes  that  ensood. 

Resolved^  That  Congress  shood,  ez  soon  ez  it  con- 
venes, change  the  names  uv  Murfreesboro',  Gettys- 
burg, Atlanta,  Vicksburg,  et  settry,  to  sich  names  ez 
Smithboro',  Brownsburg,  Jonesburg,  et  settry,  that 
the  serious  unpleasantnesses  wich  occurred  at  them 
places  may  be  remembered  no  more  forever. 

Resolved^  That  the  citizens  uv  the  Southern  States 
wich  lost  their  lives,  and  legs,  and  sich,  in  the  late 
unpleasantnesses  wich  hez  bin  referred  to,  ought  to 
be  placed  on  the  pension  rolls  the  same  ez  the 
Northern  citizens  who  suflered  likewise ;  and  that 
the  debt  incurred  by  the  South  in  upholdin  things 
ez  viewed  from  its  stand-pint,  is  entitled  to  be  paid 
the  same  ez  the  debt  incurred  by  the  North  in  up- 
holdin things  ez  viewed  from  its  stand-pint. 

Resolved^    That  we   arc   willin,   for   the   sake  uv 
harmony,  to  admit  that  Sherman  and  Grant  were,* 
all  things  considered,  worthy  uv  bein  ranked  with 
Lee  and  Jackson. 


184  SwiNGIN    ROUXD    THE    CiRKLE. 

Resolved^  That  the  safety  uv  the  Government 
demands  that  sich  ez  took  part  in  the  late  unpleas- 
antnis,  from  the  Southern  States,  be  to-wunst  admit- 
ted to  Congress,  and  to  the  other  posishens  wich 
they  yoost  to  ornament,  and  that  the  more  unpleas- 
ant they  wuz  doorin  the  trouble  the  more  they 
ought  to  be  admitted. 

Resolved^  That  there  shall  be  gushen  confidences, 
we  freely  forgive  the  honored  Secretary  uv  State  for 
the  too  free  use  uv  his  little  bell  doorin  the  late  un- 
pleasantnis,  believin  that  he  viewed  things  from  his 
own  stand-pint  instead  uv  somebody  else's,  wich 
alluz  causes  trouble. 

At  this  pint  His  Eggslency,  Andrew  Johnson, 
supported  by  Secretary  Wells  on  the  wun  side  and 
Vice-President  Stephens  on  one  other,  with  Bukanan 
in  front  and  Toombs  behind,  entered  the  hall.  Sich 
a  cheering  I  never  heerd.  Hats  wuz  slung  into  the 
air,  and  seats  wuz  torn  up.  Proudly  they  advanced 
up  the  aisle,  treading,  ez  they  went,  onto  a  portrait 
uv  Liiikin  wich  a  enthusiastic  Connecticut  dclcsrate 
tore  from  the  wall  and  tlirowd  before  cm.  They 
took  their  position  on  the  stage,  Gen.  Bucll  holdin 
over  em  a  Fedral  flag,  and  Gcnral  Henry  A.  Wise, 


A  Pleasant  Dream.  185 

iiv  Virgiiiny,  a  Confedrit  flag,  both  wavin  cm  to  the 
music  uv  two  bands  ;  one  a  playin  Dixie,  and  the 
other  Yankee  Doodle. 

At  this  pint  methought  the  sperit  uv  Washinton 
floated  into  the  hall,  and  for  a  minnit  contemjDlated 
the  countenance  uv  President  Johnson.  In  mv 
dreem  I  heerd  him  murmur,  "  There  wuz  me,  and 
Adams,  and  Gefferson,  and  Monroe,  and  sich,  and 
then  cum  Fillmore,  and  Peerce,  and  Bookannon, 
and,  good  God  !  Johnson  !  Faugh  !  "  and  I  notist  that 
George  spit  ez  tho'  suthin  in  his  mouth  didn't  taste 
v^ell.  In  fact,  the  Father  uv  his  country  looked 
sick,  and  spreadin  his  wings,  the  sperit  moved  out 
uv  the  hall,  shakin  the  sperit  dust  ofl'  uv  his  sper- 
itool  boots  ez  he  shot  thro'  the  sky-lite. 

There  wuz  then  a  blank  in  my  dream.  When  I 
resoomed,  I  was  at  the  Post-oflis  Department  the 
next  mornin.  The  guUotin  hed  commenced  work, 
and  the  supporters  uv  the  constitushun  were  reseevin 
their  commissions  ez  postmasters  ez  fast  ez  four 
hundred  clerks  cood  make  em  out.  Ez  I  pressed 
foi-ward,  Randall  hisself  give  me  mine.  "  Take  it, 
my  venerable  friend,"  sez  he,  with  tears  a  gushin 
down  his  cheeks ;  "  take  it.  No  more  shall  that 
Demokrat   in   your   township  who    takes   a    paper 


1 86  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

reseeve  it  contaminated  by  the  touch  uv  a  Abhshin 
radical." 

At  this  critical  pint  I  awoke.  Wood  that  that 
dream  wuz  a  reality- !  Will  I  only  git  that  postoffis 
in  a  dream. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


The  Reward  of  Virtue.  187 


XXVIII. 

The  Reward  of  Virtue.  —  After  Months  of  wait- 
ings the  Virtuous  Patriot  secures  his  Loaf.  — 

The  follification. 

CoNFEDKiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

August  12,  1866.      ) 

AT  last  I  hev  it !  Finally  it  come  !  After  five 
weary  trips  to  Washington,  after  much  weary 
waitin  and  much  travail,  I  hev  got  it.  I  am  now 
Post  Master  at  Confedrit  X  Roads,  and  am  dooly 
installed  in  my  new  position.  Ef  I  ever  hed  any 
doubts  ez  to  A.  Johnson  bein  a  better  man  than 
Paul  the  Apossle,  a  look  at  my  commission  removes 
it.  If  I  ketch  myself  a  feelin  that  he  deserted  us 
onnecessarily  five  years  ago,  another  look,  and  my 
resentment  softens  into  pity.  Ef  I  doubt  his  De- 
mocrisy,  I  look  at  that  blessed  commission,  and  am 
reassured,  for  a  President  who  cood  turn  out  a 
wounded  Federal  soldier,  and  apoint  sich  a  man  cz 
ME,  must  be  above  suspicion. 

I  felt  it  wuz  coming  two  weeks  ago.     I  received  a 


1 88  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

cirkler  from   Randall,   now  my  soopeiior   In   offis, 
propoundin  these  questions  :  — 

1.  Do  yoo  hev  the  most  implicit  faith  in  Androo 
Johnson,  in  all  that  he  hez  done,  all  that  he  is  doin, 
and  all  he  may  hereafter  do? 

2.  Do  you  bleeve  that  the  Philadelphia  Conven- 
shun  will  be  a  convocashen  uv  saints,  all  actuated 
by  pure  motives,  and  devoted  to  the  salvation  uv 
our  wunst  happy,  but  now  distractid  country? 

3.  Do  yoo  bleeve  that,  next  to  A.Johnson,  Sew- 
ard, Doolittle,  Cowman,  and  Randall  are  the  four 
greatest,  and  purest,  and  bestest,  and  self-sacrificin- 
est,  and  honestest,  and  righteousist  men  that  this 
country  hez  ever  prodoost? 

4.  Doo  yoo  bleeve  that  there  is  a  partikelerly  hot 
place  reserv^ed  in  the  next  world  for  Trumbull,  a 
hotter  for  Wade,  and  the  hottest  for  Sumner  and 
Thad  Stevens? 

5.  Do  yoo  approve  uv  the  canin  uv  Grinnell  by 
Rosso  ? 

6.  Do  yoo  consider  the  keepin  out  uv  Congris 
eleven  sovrin  states  a  unconstooshnel  and  unwar- 
rantid  assumption  uv  power  by  a  secshnal  Congris? 

7.  Do  yoo  bleeve  the  present  Congris  a  rump,  and 
that  (eleven  states  bein  unrepresented)  all  their  acts 


The  Reward  of  Virtue.  189 

are   unconstooshnel    and    illegal,  ccptin  them  wich 
provides  for  payin  salaries? 

S.  Do  300  bleeve  that  the  Memphis  and  Noo 
Orleans  unpleasantnesses  wiiz  brot  about  by  the 
unholy  machinashens  uv  them  Radical  agitators, 
actin  in  conjunction  with  ignorant  and  besotted  nig- 
gers, to  wreak  their  spite  on  the  now  loyal  citizens 
uv  those  properly  reconstructed  cities. 

9.  Are  yoo  not  satisfied  that  the  African  citizens 
uv  Amerikin  descent  kin  be  safely  trusted  to  the 
operations  uv  the  universal  law"  wich  governs  labor 
and  capital? 

10.  Are  yoo  willin  to  contribute  a  reasonable  per 
cent,  uv  yoor  salary  to  a  fund  to  be  used  for  the 
defeat  uv  objectionable  Congrismen  in  the  disloyal 
states  North? 

To  all  uv  these  inquiries  I  not  only  answered  yes, 
but  went  afore  a  Justis  uv  the  Peace  and  took  an 
affidavit  to  em,  forwarded  it  back,  and  my  commis- 
sion wuz  forthwith  sent  to  me. 

There  wuz  a  jubilee  the  nite  it  arriv.  The  news 
spread  rapidly  through  the  four  groceries  uv  the 
town,  and  sich  anuther  spontaneous  outbust  uv  joy 
I  never  witnessed. 

The    bells    rung,   and    for    an    hour    or   two    the 


190  SwiNGIN    ROUXD    THE    CiRKLE. 

Corners  wuz  in  the  wildest  stait  uv  eggsitement. 
The  citizens  congratoolated  each  other  on  the  cer- 
tainty uv  the  acceshun  uv  the  President  to  the 
Dimocrisy,  and  in  their  enthoosiasm  five  nigger 
famihes  v^'ere  cleaned  out,  two  uv  em,  one  a  male 
and  the  tother  a  female,  wuz  killed.  Then  a  per- 
ceshun  wuz  organized  as  follers :  — 

Two  grocery  keepers  w^ith  bottles. 

Deekin  Pogram. 

Me,  with  my  commishun  pinned  onto  a  banner, 
and  under  it  written,  "  In  this  Sign  we  Conker." 

Wagon  with  tabloo  onto  it :  A  nigger  on  the 
bottom  boards,  Bascom,  the  grocery  keeper,  with 
one  foot  onto  him,  hoidin  a  banner  inscribed,  "  The 
Nigger  wdiere  he  oughter  be." 

Citizen  with  bottle. 

Deekin  Pogram's  daughter  Mirandy  in  a  attitood 
uv  w^allopin  a  wench.  Banner  ;  "  We've  Regained 
our  Rites." 

Two  citizens  with  bottles  try  in  to  keep  in  per- 
ceshun. 

Two  more  citizens,  W' ich  hed  emptyd  their  bottles, 
fallin  out  by  the  w^ay  side. 

Citizens,  two  and  two,  with  bottles. 

Wagon,  loaded  with  the  books  and  furnitur  uv  a 
nigger  skool,  in  a  stait  uv  wreck,  with  a  dcd  nigger 


If. 


o 
o 
w 

o 


The  Reward  of  Virtue.  191 

layin  on  top  uv  it,  wich  bed  bin  captoored  witbin 
the  hour.     Banner  :  "  My  PoHcy." 

The  percesbun  mooved  to  the  meetin  hous,  and 
Deekin  Pogram  takin  the  Chair,  a  meetin  wuz  to 
WLinst  organized. 

The  Deekin  remarked  that  this  wuz  the  proudest 
moment  uv  his  Hfe.  He  wuz  gratified  at  the  ap- 
pintment  uv  his  esteemed  friend,  becoz  he  appre- 
ciated the  noble  qualities  wich  wuz  so  conspikuous 
into  him,  and  becoz  his  arduous  services  in  the  coz 
uv  Dimokrisy  entitled  him  to  the  posishun.  All 
these  wuz  aside  uv  and  entirely  disconnected  from 
the  fact  that  thare  wood  now  be  a  probability  uv  his 
gittin  back  a  little  matter  uv  nine  dollars  and  sixty- 
two  cents  ("  Hear !  hear ! ")  wich  he  bed  loaned 
him  about  eighteen  months  ago,  afore  he  had 
knowed  him  well,  or  larned  to  luv  him.  But  thare 
wuz  anuther  reason  why  he  met  to  rejoyce  to-nite. 
It  showed  that  A.Johnson  meant  bizness ;  that  A. 
Johnson  wuz  troo  to  the  Dimokrasy,  and  that  he 
lied  fully  made  up  his  mind  to  hurl  the  bolts  uv 
offishl  thunder  wich  he  held  in  his  Presidenshal 
hands  at  his  enemies,  and  to  make  fight  in  earnest ; 
that  he  wuz  goin  to  reward  his  friends  —  them  ez 
he  cood  trust.  Our  venerable  friend's  bein  jDut  in 
condishun  to  pay  the  confidin  residents  uv  the  Cor- 


192  SWINGIN    ROUXD    THE    CiRKLE. 

ners  the  little  sums  he  owes  them  is  a  good  thing 
("  Hear  !  "  '•  Hear  !  "  "  Troo  !  "  "  Troo  !  "  with 
singular  unanimity  from  ever}-  man  in  the  bildin), 
but  wat  wuz  sich  considerashuns  when  compared  to 
the  grate  moral  effect  uv  the  decisive  movement? 
("Ad — d  site!"  shouted  one  grocery  keeper,  and 
"We  don't  want  no  moral  eflect !"  cried  another.) 
My  friends,  w^hen  the  news  uv  this  bold  step  uv  the 
President  goes  forth  to  the  South,  the  price  uv  Con- 
fedrit  skript  wnll  go  up,  and  the  shootin  uv  niggers 
will  cease  ;  for  the  redempshun  uv  the  first  I  con- 
sider ashoored,  and  the  redoosin  uv  the  latter  to 
their  normal  condishun  I  count  ez  good  ez  done. 

Squire  Gavitt  remarked  that  he  vruz  too  much 
overpowered  with  emoshun  to  speak.  For  four 
years,  nearly  five,  the  only  newspaper  wnch  come 
to  that  offis  hed  passed  thro'  the  polluted  hands  uv 
a  Ablishnist.  He  hed  no  partikler  objecshun  to  the 
misguided  man,  but  he  wuz  a  symbol  uv  tyranny, 
and  so  long  ez  he  sot  there,  he  reminded  em  that 
they  wxre  w^earin  chains.  Thank  the  Lord,  that 
day  is  over  !  The  Corners  is  redeemed,  the  second 
Jaxson  hez  risin,  and  struck  ofi'  the  shackles.  He 
wood  not  allood  to  the  trifle  uv  twelve  dollars  and 
a  half  that  he  loaned  the  appintee  some  months 
ago,  knowin  that  it  wood  be  paid  out  uv  the  first 
money  — 


The  Reward  of  Virtue.  193 

Bascom,  the  principal  grocery  keeper,  rose,  and 
called  the  Squire  to  order.  He  wanted  to  know  ef 
it  wuz  f:iir  pla}'  to  talk  sich  talk.  No  man  cood  feel 
a  more  hart-felt  satisfaction  at  the  appintment  uv 
our  honored  friend  than  him,  showin,  ez  it  did,  that 
the  President  hed  cut  loose  from  Ablishnism,  wich 
he  dispised,  but  he  protestid  agin  the  Squire  under- 
takin  to  git  in  his  bill  afore  the  rest  hed  a  chance. 
Who  furnisht  him  his  licker  for  eight  months,  and 
who  hez  the  best  rite  for  the  first  dig  at  the  proceeds 
uv  the  position  ?     He  wood  never  — 

The  other  three  groceiy  keepers  rose,  when  Dee- 
kin  Pogram  rooled  em  all  out  uv  order,  and  offered 
the  followin  resolutions  :  — 

Whereas,  the  President  hez,  in  a  strikly  con- 
stooshnel  manner,  relieved  this  commoonity  uv  an 
offensive  Ablishunist,  appinted  by  that  abhorred 
tyrant  Linkin,  and  appinted  in  his  j^h'^ce  a  sound 
constooshnel  Demokrat  —  one  whom  to  know  is  to 
lend  ;  therefore,  be  it 

Resolved^  That  we  greet  the  President,  and 
ashoor  him  uv  our  continyood  support  and  confi- 
dence. 

Resolved^  That  we  now  consider  the  work  uv 
Reconstruction,   so  far  ez   this    community  is  con- 


194  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

cerned,  completed,  and  that  we  feel  that  we  are 
wunst  more  restored  to  our  proper  relations  with 
the  federal  government. 

Resolved^  That  the  glorious  defence  made  by  the 
loyal  Democracy  uv  Noo  Orleans  agin  the  com- 
bined conventioners  and  niggers,  shows  that  freemen 
kin  not  be  conkered,  and  that  white  men  shel  rule 
America. 

Resolved^  That,  on  this  happy  occasion,  we  for- 
give the  Government  for  w^iat  we  did,  and  cherish 
nary  resentment  agin  anybody. 

The  resolutions  v^uz  adopted,  and  the  mectin 
adjourned  with  three  cheers  for  Johnson  and  his 
policy. 

Then  came  a  scene.  Every  last  one  uv  em  hed 
come  there  w^ith  a  note  made  out  for  the  amount  I 
owed  him  at  three  months.  Kindness  of  heart  is  a 
weakness  of  mine,  and  I  signed  em  all,  feelin  that 
ef  the  mere  fact  of  writin  my  name  wood  do  em  any 
good,  it  wood  be  crooel  in  me  to  object  to  the  little 
laber  required.  Bless  their  innocent  soles !  they 
went  away  happy. 

The  next  mornin  I  took  possesshun  uv  the  offis. 

"Am  I  aw^ake,  or  am  I  dreamin?"  thought  I. 
No,  no !  it  is  no  dream.     Here  is  the  stamps,  here 


The  Reward  of  Virtue.  195 

is  the  blanks,  and  here  is  the  commisshun !     It  is 
troo  !  it  is  troo  ! 

I  heerd  a  child,  across  the  way,  singin,  — 

♦•I'd  like  to  be  a  angel, 
And  with  the  angels  stand." 

I  woodn't,  thought  I.  I  woodn't  trade  places 
with  an  angel,  even  up.  A  Offis  with  but  little  to 
do,  with  four  grocerys  within  a  stone's  throw,  is  ez 
much  happiness  ez  my  bilers  will  stand  witliout 
bustin.     A  angel  4sooth  ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster.) 


196  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXIX. 

The  Co7ivocation  of  IIitng}'y  Souls  at  PhiladeU 
phia,  —  A  Description  of  that  Memorable  Occa- 
sion by  One  who  had  been  Provided  for. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 

August  14,  1866.      ^ 

PEACE  Is  into  me.  I  hev  spent  many  happy 
periods  in  the  course  uv  a  eventful  Hfe  ;  but  I 
never  knowd  what  perfeck  satisfaction  wuz  till  now. 
The  first  week  I  wuz  married  to  my  Looizer  Jane  it 
wuz  hevenly ;  for,  independent  uv  the  other  blisses 
incident  to  the  married  state,  I  beleeved  that  she 
wuz  the  undivided  possessor  uv  a  farm,  or  ruther  her 
father  wuz,  wich,  on  the  old  man's  decease,  wood  be 
hern,  and  the  prospeck  uv  a  lifetime  with  a  amiable, 
well-built  woman,  with  a  farm  big  enough  to  sup- 
port me,  with  prudence  on  her  part,  wuz  bliss  itself; 
and  I  enjoyed  it  with  a  degree  uv  muchness  rarely 
ekaled,  until  I  found  out  that  it  wuz  kivered  more 
deeply  with  mortgages  than  it  wuz  ever  likely  to  be 


The  Convocation  at  Philadelphia.     197 

with  crops,  and  my  drcem  uv  happiness  busted. 
Sweet  ez  wuz  this  week,  it  wuz  misery  condensed 
when  compared  to  the  season  I  hev  jest  passed 
through. 

I  wuz  a  delegate  to  Philadelphia.  I  wuzn't  elect- 
ed nor  nothin,  and  hedn't  any  credentials ;  but  the 
door  uv  the  wigwam  I  passed,  nevertheless.  The 
door-keeper  wuz  a  Dimokrat,  and  my  breath  helped 
me ;  my  nose,  wich  reely  blossoms  like  the  lobster, 
wuz  uv  yoose  ;  but  I  spect  my  hevin  a  gray  coat  on, 
with  a  stand  up  collar,  with  a  brass  star  onto  it,  wuz 
wat  finished  the  biznis.  The  Southern  delegates 
fought  shy  uv  me  ;  but  the  Northern  ones,  bless  their 
souls  !  the  minit  they  saw  the  star  on  the  collar  uv 
my  gray  coat,  couldn't  do  enuff  for  me.  They  ad- 
dressed me  ez  Kernel  and  Gineral,  and  scd  "  this 
wuz  trooly  an  unmeritid  honor,"  and  paid  for  my 
drinks ;  and  I  succeeded  in  borrowin  a  hundred  and 
tw^enty  dollars  of  cm  the  first  day.  I  mite  hev  doub- 
led it ;  but  the  fellows  wuz  took  in  so  easy  that  no 
financeerin  wuz  required,  and  it  really  wuz  no 
amoozment. 

The  Convenshun  itself  wuz  the  most  aftectinist 
gatherin  I  ever  witnist.  I  hcd  a  seat  beside  Ran- 
dall, who  wuz  a  managin  the  concern,  and  I  cood 
see  it  all.     The  crowd  rushed  into  the  bildin,  and 


198  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

filled  it,  when  Randall  desired  attention.  He  bein 
the  Postmaster  General,  every  one  of  cm  dropped 
into  his  seat  ez  though  he  hed  bin  shot,  and  there 
wuz  the  most  perfeck  quiet  I  ever  saw.  Doolittle, 
who  wuz  the  Cheerman,  winked  at  Randall,  and 
nodded  his  head,  when  Randall  announced  that  the 

DELEGATES  FROM  SoUTH  KaRLIXY,  AND  THE  DEL- 
EGATES FRO]\r  Massachoosits,  wood  enter  arm 
IN  ARM  !  With  a  slow  and  measured  step  they  cum 
in  ;  and,  at  a  signal  from  Randall,  the  cheerin  com- 
menst — and  sich  cheerin!  Then  Doolittle  pulled 
out  his  white  hankercher,  and  applied  it  to  his 
eyes ;  and  every  delegate  simultaneously  pulled  out 
a  white  hankercher,  and  applied  it  to  his  eyes. 

To  me,  this  wuz  the  proudest  moment  uv  my  life  ; 
not  that  there  wuz  anything  partikilerly  inspiritin  in 
the  scene  afore  me,  for  there  wuzzent.  Orr,  from 
South  Caroliny,  looked  partikilerly  ashamed  of  his- 
self,  ez  though  he  wuz  going  thro  a  highly  nessary, 
but  extremely  disgustin,  ceremony,  and  wuz  deter- 
mined to  keep  up  a  stiff  upper  lip  over  it ;  and 
Couch  looked  up  to  Orr,  ez  though  he  wuz  afcerd 
uv  him,  and  ez  though  he  felt  flattered  by  Orr's  con- 
decension  in  walkin  at  all  with  sich  a  umblc  indi- 
vidjooal.  But,  to  my  eyes,  the  scene  wuz  signifi- 
cant.    I  looked  into  the  fucher,  and  wat  did  I  see, 


The  Convocation  at  Philadelphia.       199 

ez  them  two  men  —  one  sneekin,  and  totlier  ashamed 
uv  hisself — walked  up  that  aisle?  Wat  did  I  see? 
I  saw  the  Democrisy  restored  to  its  normal  condi- 
shun.  I  saw  the  reunion  uv  the  two  wings.  In 
fact,  I  saw  the  entire  Dimokratic  bird  reunited. 
The  North,  one  wing,  and  the  weakest ;  Kentucky, 
the  beak,  sharp,  hungry,  and  rapacious  ;  South-west, 
the  strong,  active  wing ;  Virginny,  the  legs  and 
claws  ;  Ohio,  the  heart ;  Pennsylvania,  the  stomach  ; 
South  Caroliny,  the  tail  feathers ;  and  Noo  Jersey, 
the  balance  of  the  bird,  —  I  saw  these  parts,  for  five 
years  dissevered,  come  together,  holdin  nigger  in 
one  claw,  and  Post  Offises  in  the  other,  sayin, 
"  Take  em  both  together ;  they  go  in  lots."  I  saw 
the  old  Union  —  the  bold,  shivelrous  Southner  a 
guidin,  controllin,  and  directin  the  machine,  and 
assoomin  to  hisself  the  places  uv  honor,  and  the 
Diinokrat  uv  the  North  follerin,  like  a  puppy  dog, 
at  his  heels,  takin  sich  fat  things  ez  he  cood  snap 
up ;  the  Southerner  ashamed  uv  his  associations, 
but  forced  to  yoose  em  ;  the  Northerner  uncomfort- 
able in  his  presence,  but  tied  to  him  by  self-interest. 
I  saw  a  comin  back  the  good  old  times  when  thirty- 
four  States  met  in  convenshun,  and  let  eleven  rule 
em  ;  and  ez  I  contemplated  the  scene,  I  too  wept, 
but  it  wuz  in  dead  earnest. 


200  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

"  Wat  are  you  blubberiii  for?  "  asked  a  enthusias- 
tic delegate  in  front  uv  me,  who  wuz  a  swabbin  his 
eyes  with  a  handkercher. 

"  I'm  a  Postmaster,"  sez  I,  "  and  must  do  my 
dooty  in  this  crisis.  Wat  are  you  sheddin  pearls 
for?"  retorted  I.     "Are  you  a  Postmaster?" 

"  No,"  sez  he ;  "  but  I  hope  to  be  ; "  and  he 
swabbed  away  with  renood  vigger. 

"  Wat's  the  matter  with  the  eyes  uv  all  the  dele- 
gates ?  "  sez  I. 

"  They've  all  got  Post  Offisis  in  em,"  sez  he  ;  and 
he  worked  away  faster  than  ever. 

While  gettin  a  fresh  handkercher  (wich  I  borrered 
from  the  hind  coat  pocket  uv  a  delegate  near  me, 
and  wich,  by  the  way,  in  my  delirious  joy,  I  forgot 
to  say  anythin  to  him  about  it),  I  looked  over  the 
Convenshun,  and  agin  the  teers  welled  up  from  my 
heart.  My  sole  wuz  full  and  overflowin,  and  I 
slopped  over  at  the  eyes.  There,  before  me,  sat 
that  hero,  Dick  Taylor,  and  Cuth  Bullitt ;  and  there 
wuz  the  Nelsons  and  Yeadons,  and  the  representa- 
tives uv  the  first  families  uv  the  South,  and  in  Phil- 
adelphia, AT  A  Convention,  with  all  the  leadin 
Demokrats  uv  the  North,  ceptin  Vallandigham  and 
Wood,  and  tliey  wuz  skulkin  around  within  call, 
with  their  watchful  eyes  on  the  perceedins.     Here 


The  Convocation  at  Philadelphia.     201 

is  a  prospeck  !  Here  is  fatiiis  !  The  President  into 
our  confidence  !  The  Postmaster  General  a  runnin 
the  Convention  !  The  bands  a  phiyin  Dixie  and  the 
Star  Spangled  Banner  alternitly,  so  that  nobody 
cood  complain  uv  partiality,  or  tell  reely  wich  side 
the  Convention  wuz  on,  or  wich  side  it  had  been  on 
in  the  past !  Ah  !  my  too  susceptible  sole  filled  up 
agin  ;  the  teers  started  ;  but  that  vent  wuznt  enuff, 
and  I  fell  faintin  onto  the  floor.  Twenty  or  thirty 
Northern  delegates  seed  me  fallin,  and  ketchin  site 
uv  the  gray  coat,  with  the  brass  star  onto  it,  rushed 
to  ketch  me  ;  and  they  bore  me  out  uv  the  wigwam. 
Sed  one,  "  Wat  a  techin  scene  !  overpowered  by  his 
feelins."  "  Yes,"  sed  another :  "  he  deserves  a 
apintment." 

I  didn't  go  back  to  the  Convenshun,  coz  I  knowd 
it  wan't  no  yoose  ;  and  besides,  after  all  the  teers 
that  had  been  shed,  —  the  members  wringin  their 
handkerchers  onto  the  floor,  —  it  wuz  sloppy  under 
foot.  Conciliation  and  tenderness  gushed  out  uv  em. 
I  knowd  it  would  be  all  right ;  it  couldn't  be  other- 
wise. There  wuz  bonds  wich  held  the  members 
together,  and  prevented  the  possibility  uv  trouble. 
Johnson,  hevin  a  ambition  to  head  a  party,  must 
hev  a  party  to  head.  The  Northern  delegashun  — 
wich    hed   formerly    actid   with    the-  Ablishnists  — 


202  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

couldn't  do  nothin  without  the  Democracy  North ; 
and  both  on  em  combined  couldn't  do  nothin  with- 
out the  Democracy  South,  The  President  cood 
depend  on  the  Democracy  North,  coz  he  holds  the 
offices ;  the  Democracy  North  cood  depend  on  the 
President,  coz  he  must  hev  their  votes.  The  Pres- 
ident cood  depend  on  the  Democracy  South,  coz 
they  want  him  to  make  a  tight  agin  a  Ablishen 
Congris,  wich  is  a  unconstooshnelly  keepin  uv  em 
out,  and  preventin  em  from  wollopin  their  niggers ; 
the  Democracy  South  cood  dejDend  on  the  Presi- 
dent, coz  he  must  hev  their  Representatives  in  their 
seats  to  beat  the  Ablishnists  in  Congris,  —  all  cood 
depend  on  all,  each  cood  depend  on  the  other,  coz 
each  faction,  or  ruther  each  stripe,  hed  its  little 
private  axe  to  grind,  wich  it  coodent  do  without  the 
others  to  turn  the  grind-stone. 

The  Southern  delegates,  some  on  em,  wuznt  so 
well  pleased.  "  What  in  thunder,"  sed  one  uv  em, 
"  did  they  mean  by  pilin  on  the  agony  over  the 
the  Yanks  we  killed?  by  pledgin  us  to  give  up  the 
ijee  uv  seceshen,  and  by  pledgin  on  us  to  pay  the 
Nashnel  Yankee  debt?" 

"  '  Sh  !  "  sed  I ;  "  easy  over  the  rough  places. 
My  friend,  they  didn't  mean  it ;  or,  ef  they  did,  we 
didn't.      Is    a  -oath    so    hard   to   break?     Wood    it 


The  Convocation  at  Philadelphia.      203 

trouble  that  eminent  patriot  Brcckenridge,  after  all 
the  times  he  swore  to  support  the  Constitution,  to 
sware  to  it  wunst  more?  and  wood  it  trouble  him  to 
break  it  any  more  than  it  did  in  '61  ?  Nay,  verily. 
Dismiss  them  gloomy  thots.  Vallandigham  wuz 
kicked  out ;  but  a  thousand  mules,  and  all  uv  em 
old  and  experienced,  cooden't  kick  him  out  uv  our 
serv'ice.  Doolittle  talked  Northern  talk,  coz  it's  a 
habit  he  got  into  doorin  the  war  ;  but  he'll  git  over 
it.  Raymond  will  be  on  our  side  this  year,  certain, 
for  last  year  he  was  agin  us ;  and  by  the  time  he 
is  ready  to  turn  agin,  he'll  be  worn  to  so  small  a 
pint  that  he  won't  be  worth  hevin  ;  and  the  Democ- 
risy  uv  the  North  wuz  alluz  ourn,  and  ef  they  wuz- 
zent,  the  offices  Johnson  hez  in  reserve  will  draw 
em  like  lode  stun. 

"  My  deer  sir,  I  wunst  knowd  a  Irishman,  who 
wuz  sense  killed  in  a  Fenian  raid,  employed  as  a  ar- 
tist in  well  diggin.  It  wuz  his  lot  to  go  to  the  bottom 
uv  the  excavation  and  load  the  buckets  with  earth. 
The  dinner  horn  sounded,  and  he,  with  the  alacrity 
characteristic  uv  the  race,  sprang  into  the  bucket, 
and  told  em  to  hist  away ;  and  they  histed.  But  ez 
they  histed,  they  amoozed  themselves  a  droppin 
earth  onto  him.  '  Shtop  !  '  sed  he  ;  but  they  didn't. 
'  Shtop ! '  sed  he,  '  or,  be  gorra !  I'll  cut  the  rope.* 


204  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

My  dear  sir,  Randall,  and  Doolittle,  and  Seward, 
and  Johnson  are  a  histin  us  out  uv  the  pit  we  fell 
into  in  i860.  Their  little  talk  about  debts,  and 
slavery,  and  sich,  is  the  earth  they^re  droppin  onto 
us  for  fun ;  but  shel  we,  like  ijeots,  cut  the  rope  ? 
Nary  !  Let  em  hist ;  and  when  we're  safe  out,  and 
on  solid  ground,  we  kin,  ef  we  desire,  turn  and 
chuck  em  into  the  hole." 

All  went  off  satisfied :  the  Northern  men,  for 
they  carried  home  with  em  their  commishuns  ;  I, 
feelin  that  my  Post  office  wuz  sekoor ;  for  ef,  with 
the  show  we've  got,  we  can't  reelect  Johnson,  the 
glory  uv  the  Democracy  hez  departed  indeed. 
Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster.) 


The  Great  Presidential  Excursion.    205 


XXX. 


The   Great  Presidential  Excursion  to  the  Tomb 

of  Douglas.  —  An  Account  of  the  Ride  of  the 

Modern   John   Gilpin^  zvho  "joent  a  Pleasuring 

and  came  Home  with  iiothing  bitt  the  Necks  of 

His  Bottles:  by  His  Chaplain.  —  Prom   Wash- 

i?igto7z  to  Detroit. 

At  the  Biddle  HorsE     ^ 

(wich  is  in  Detroit,  Micliigan),  > 

September  the  4th,  1866.      ^ 

STEP  by  step  I  am  assendin  the  ladder  uv  fame  ; 
step  by  step  I  am  climbin  to  a  proud  eminence. 
Three  weeks  ago  I  wuz  summoned  to  Washinton 
by  that  eminently  grate  and  good  man,  Androo 
Johnson,  to  attend  a  consultation  ez  to  the  proposed 
Western  tour,  wich  wuz  to  be  undertaken  for  the 
purpose  uv  arousin  the  masses  uv  the  West  to  a 
sence  uv  the  danger  wich  wuz  threatnin  uv  em  in 
case  they  persisted  in  centralizin  the  power  uv  the 
Government  into  the  hands  uv  a  Congress,  instid  uv 
diffusin  it  throughout  the  hands  uv  one  man,  wich 
is  Johnson.     I  got  there  too  late  to  take  part  in  the 


2o6  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

first  uv  the  discussion.  When  I  arrove  they  hed 
everything  settled  cepting  the  appintment  uv  a 
Chaplain  for  the  excursion.  The  President  insisted 
upon  my  fillin  that  position,  but  Seward  objected. 
He  wanted  Beecher,  but  Johnson  wuz  inflexibly 
agin  him.  "  I  am  determined,"  sez  he,  "  to  carry 
out  my  polic}^,  but  I  hev  some  bowels  left.  Beecher 
hez  done  enuff'  already,  considerin  the  pay  he  got. 
No,  no !  he  shel  be  spared  this  trip ;  indeed  he 
shel." 

"  Very  good,"  said  Seward ;  ''  but  at  least  find 
some  clergyman  who  endorses  us  without  hevin 
P.  M.  to  his  honored  name.     It  wood  look  better." 

"  I  know  it  wood,"  replied  Johnson  ;  "  but  where 
kin  we  find  sich  a  one?  I  hev  swung  around  the 
entire  circle,  and  heven't  ez  yet  seen  him.  Nasby  it 
must  be." 

There  wuz  then  a  lively  discussion  ez  to  the  pro- 
priety, before  the  procession  started,  of  removin  all 
the  Federal  offis-holders  on  the  proposed  route,  and 
appintin  men  who  beleeved  in  us  (Johnson,  Beecher, 
and  Me),  that  we  might  be  shoor  uv  a  sootable 
recepshun  at  each  pint  at  wich  we  wuz  to  stop. 
The  Annointed  wuz  in  favor  uv  it.  Sez  he,  "Them 
ez  won't  support  my  polisy  shan't  eat  my  bread  and 
butter."     Kandall  and  Doolittle  chimed  in,  for  it's 


The  Great  Presidential  Excursion.    207 

got  to  be  a  part  of  their  religion  to  assent  to  what- 
ever the  President  sez,  but  I  mildly  protested.  I 
owe  a  duty  to  the  party,  and  I  am  determined  to 
do  it. 

"Most  High,"  sez  I,  "a  settin  hen  wich  is  lazy 
makes  no  fuss  ;  cut  its  head  off,  and  it  flops  about, 
for  a  while,  lively.  Lincoln's  office-holders  are 
settin  hens.  They  don't  like  yoo  nor  yoor  policy, 
but  while  they  are  on  their  nests,  they  will  keep 
moderitly  quiet.  Cut  oft'  their  heads,  and  they  will 
spurt  their  blood  in  your  face.  Ez  to  bein  enshoord 
of  a  reception  at  each  point,  you  need  fear  nothin. 
Calkerlatin  moderately,  there  are  at  least  twenty- 
five  or  thirty  patriots  who  feel  a  call  for  every  offis 
in  your  disposal.  So  long,  Yoor  Highnis,  ez  them 
offisis  is  held  just  where  the}^  kin  see  em,  and  they 
don't  know  wich  is  to  git  em,  yoo  may  depend  upon 
the  entire  enthoosiasm  uv  each,  individyooally  and 
collectively.  In  short,  ef  there's  4  offises  in  a  town, 
and  yoo  make  the  appointments,  yoo  hev  sekoored 
4  supporters ;  till  yoo  make  the  appointments  yoo 
hev  the  hundred  who  expect  to  get  em." 

The  President  agreed  with  me  that  until  after  the 
trip  the  gullotine  shood  stop. 

Secretary  Seward  sejested  that  a  clean  shirt  wood 
improve  my  personal  appearance,  and  akkordingly 


2o8  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

a  cirkular  wuz  sent  to  the  clerks  in  the  Depart- 
ments, assessin  em  for  that  purpose.  Sich  uv  em  ez 
refoosed  to  contribute  their  quota  wuz  instantly  dis- 
missed for  disloyalty. 

At  last  we  started,  and  I  must  say  we  wuz  got  up 
in  a  highly  conciliatory  style.  Every  wun  of  the 
civilians  uv  the  party  wore  buzzum  pins,  et  settry, 
wich  wuz  presented  to  em  bv  the  Southern  dele- 
gates to  the  Philadelphia  Convention,  wich  wuz 
made  uv  the  bones  uv  Federal  soldiers  wich  hed 
fallen  at  various  battles.  Sum  uv  em  were  partik- 
lerly  valuable  ez  anteeks,  hevin  bin  made  from  the 
bones  uv  the  fust  soldiers  who  fell  at  Bull  Run. 

The  Noo  York  recepshun  wuz  a  gay  afiair.  I 
never  saw  His  Imperial  Highness  in  better  spirits, 
and  he  delivered  his  speech  to  better  advantage  than 
I  ever  heard  him  do  it  before,  and  I  bleeve  I've 
heard  it  a  hundred  times.  We  left  Noo  York  sadly. 
Even  now,  ez  I  write,  the  remembrance  uv  that 
perceshun,  the  recollection  uv  that  banquet,  lingers 
around  me,  and  the  taste  uv  them  wines  is  still  in 
my  mouth.  But  we  hed  to  go.  We  hed  a  mishn 
to  perform,  and  we  ^vA.  ourselves  on  a  steamboat 
and  started. 

Albany.  —  There  wuz  a  immense  crowd,  but  the 
Czar  uv  all  the  Amerikas  didn't  get  orf  his  speech 


The  Great  Presidential  Excursion.    209 

here.  The  Governor  welcomed  him,  but  he  wel- 
comed him  ez  the  Cheef  Magistrate  uv  the  nashen, 
and  happened  to  drop  in  Lincoln's  name.  That 
struck  a  chill  over  the  party,  and  the  President  got 
out  uv  it  ez  soon  ez  possible.  Bein  reseeved  ez 
Chief  Magistrate,  and  not  ez  the  great  Pacificator, 
ain't  His  Eggslency's  best  holt.  It  wuz  unkind  uv 
Governor  Fenton  to  do  it.  If  he  takes  the  papers, 
he  must  know  that  His  Mightiness  ain't  got  but  one 
speech,  and  he  ought  to  hev  made  sich  a  reception 
ez  wood  hev  enabled  him  to  hev  got  it  off.  We 
shook  the  dust  off  uv  our  feet,  and  left  Albany  in 
disgust. 

Skenactady.  —  The  people  uv  this  delightfuU 
little  village  wuz  awake  when  the  Imperial  train  ar- 
rived. The  changes  hadn't  bin  made  in  the  offices 
here,  and  consekently  there  wuz  a  splendid  recep- 
shun.  I  didn't  suppose  there  wuz  so  many  patriots 
along  the  Mohawk.  I  wuz  pinted  out  by  sum  one 
ez  the  President's  private  adviser  —  a  sortuv  private 
Secretary  uv  State  ;  and  after  the  train  started,  I 
found  jest  211  petitions  for  the  Post  Offis  in  Skenak- 
tedy  in  my  side  coat  pocket,  wich  the  patriots  who 
hed  hurrahed  so  vocifferously  hed  dexterously  de- 
posited there.  The  incident  wuz  a  movin  one. 
''  Thank  God  !  "  thought  I.  "  So  long  ez  we  hev 
H 


2IO  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

the  post  offices  to  give,  we  kin  alluz  hev  a  party. 
The  Sultan  swung  around  the  cirkle  wunst  here, 
and  leaving  the  Constooshun  in  their  hands,  the 
train  moved  off. 

Utica.  —  The  President  spoke  here  with  greater 
warmth,  and  jerked  more  originality  than  I  hed 
before  observed.  He  introdoost  here  the  remark 
that  he  didn't  come  to  make  a  speech  ;  that  he  wuz 
goin  to  shed  a  tear  over  the  tomb  uv  Douglas  ;  that, 
in  swingin  around  the  circle,  he  hed  fought  traitors 
on  all  sides  uv  it,  but  that  he  felt  safe.  He  shood 
leave  the  Constooshn  in  their  hands,  and  ef  a  martyr 
wuz  wanted,  he  wuz  ready  to  die  with  neetness  and 
dispatch. 

Rome.  —  Here  we  hed  a  splendid  recepshun,  and 
I  never  heard  His  Majesty  speek  more  felicitously. 
He  menshuned  to  the  audience  that  he  hed  swung 
around  the  Southern  side  uv  the  cirkle,  and  wuz 
now  swingin  around  the  Northern  side  uv  it,  and 
that  he  wuz  fightin  traitors  on  all  sides.  He  left  the 
Constitooshun  in  their  hands,  and  bid  em  good  bye. 
I  received  at  this  pint  only  130  petitions  for  the  post 
office,  wich  I  took  ez  a  bad  omen  for  the  comin 
election. 

LocKPORT.  —  The  President  is  improvin  wonder- 
fully.    He  rises  with  the  occasion.     At  this  pint  he 


The  Great  Presidential  Excursion.    211 

mentioned  that  he  wuz  sot  on  savin  the  country 
wich  hcd  honored  him.  Ez  for  himself,  his  ambishn 
wuz  more  than  satisfied.  He  hed  bin  Alderman, 
Member  uv  the  Legislacher,  Congressman,  Senator, 
Military  Governor,  Vice-President,  and  President. 
He  hed  swung  around  the  entire  circle  uv  offiscs, 
and  all  he  wanted  now  wuz  to  heal  the  wounds  uv 
the  nashen.  He  felt  safe  in  Icavin  the  Constooshn 
in  their  hands.     Ez  he  swung  around  the  cirkle  — 

At  this  pint  I  interrupted  him.  I  told  him  that 
he  hed  swung  around  the  cirkle  wunst  in  this  town, 
and  ez  yooseful  ez  the  phrase  wuz,  it  might  spile  by 
too  much  yoose. 

At  Cleveland  we  begun  to  get  into  hot  water. 
Here  is  the  post  to  which  the  devil  uv  Ablishnism 
is  chained,  and  his  chain  is  long  enough  to  let  him 
rage  over  neerly  the  whole  State.  I  am  pained  to 
state  that  the  President  wuzn't  treated  here  with  the 
respeck  due  his  station.  He  commenst  deliverin  his 
speech,  but  wuz  made  the  subjeck  uv  ribald  laftture. 
Skasely  hed  he  got  to  the  pint  uv  swingin  around 
the  cirkle,  when  a  foul-mouthed  nigger-lover  yelled 
"  Veto  !  "  and  another  vocifterated  "  Noo  Orleens  !  " 
and  another  remarked  "  Memphis !  "  and  one  after 
another  interruption  occurred  until  His  Highness 
wuz  completely  turned  oft'  the  track,  and  got  wild. 


312  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

He  forgot  his  speech,  and  struck  out  crazy,  but  the 
starch  wuz  out  uv  him,  and  he  wuz  worsted.  Grant, 
wich  we  hcd  taken  along  to  draw  the  crowds, 
played  dirt  on  us  here,  and  stepped  onto  a  boat  for 
Detroit,  leavin  us  only  Farragut  ez  a  attraction,  who 
tried  twice  to  git  away  ditto,  but  wuz  timely  pre- 
vented. The  President  recovered  his  ekanimity, 
and  swung  around  the  cirkle  wunst,  and  leavin  the 
Constooshn  in  their  hands,  retired. 

At  the  next  pint  we  wuz  astounded  at  seein  but 
one  man  at  the  station.  He  wuz  dressed  with  a 
sash  over  his  shoulder,  and  wuz  wavin  a  flag  with 
wun  hand,  firin  a  saloot  with  a  revolver  with  the 
other,  and  play  in  "  Hail  to  the  Chief! "  on  a  mouth 
organ,  all  to  wunst. 

"  Who  are  you,  my  gentle  friend?"  sez  I. 

"  I'm  the  newly- appinted  Postmaster,  sir,"  sez  he. 
"  Pm  a  perceshun  a  waitin  here  to  do  honor  to  our 
Cheef  Magistrate,  all  alone,  sir.  There  wuz  twenty 
Johnsonians  in  this  hamlet,  sir ;  but  when  the  com- 
mishn  came  for  me,  the  other  nineteen  \vuz  soured, 
and  sed  they  didn't  care  a  d — n  for  him  nor  his 
policy,  sir.     Where  is  the  President?" 

Androowuz  a  goin  to  swing  around  the  cirkle  for 
this  one  man,  and  leave  the  Constooshn  in  his  hands, 
but  Seward  checked  him. 


The  Great  Presidential  Excursion.    213 

At  Fremont  we  hed  a  handsome  rcccpshun,  for 
the  offises  hevn't  bin  changed  there,  but  Toledo 
didn't  do  so  well.  The  crowd  didn't  cheer  Androo 
much,  but  when  Farragut  was  trotted  out  they  gave 
him  a  rouser,  wich  wuz  anything  but  pleasin  to  the 
Cheef  Magistrate  uv  this  nashen,  who  bleeves  in 
bein  respected. 

Finally  we  reeched  Detroit.  This  bein  a  Demo- 
cratic city,  the  President  wuz  hisself  agin.  His 
speech  here  wuz  wun  uv  rare  merit.  He  gathered 
together  in  one  quiver  all  the  sparklin  arrows  he 
had  used  from  Washington  to  this  point,  and  shot 
em  one  by  one.  He  swung  around  the  cirkle  ;  he 
didn't  come  to  make  a  speech  ;  he  lied  bin  Alder- 
man uv  his  native  town ;  he  mite  hev  been  Dickta- 
ter,  but  woodent ;  and  ended  with  a  poetickal  cota- 
shun  wich  I  coodent  ketch,  but  wich,  cz  neer  ez  I 
cood  understand,  wuz,  — 

"  Kum  ^vun,  kum  all ;  this  rock  shel  fly 
From  its  firm  base  —  in  a  pig's  eye." 

Here  we  repose  for  the  nite.  To-morrow  we 
start  onward,  and  shel  continue  swingin  around  the 
cirkle  till  we  reach  Chicago. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 


214  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXXI. 

The  Presidential  Tour  Contmued.  — From  Deti-oit 
to  Indla7iapolis. 

Post  Offis,  Coxfedrit  x  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

September  11,  1866.      J 

I  AM  at  home,  and  glad  am  I  that  I  am  at  home. 
Here  in  Kentucky,  surrounded  by  Dimicrats,  im- 
mersed a  part  of  the  time  in  my  offishel  dooties,  and 
the  balance  uv  the  time  in  whiskey,  with  the  privi- 
lege uv  wallopin  niggers,  and  the  more  inestimable 
and  soothing  privilege  uv  assistin  in  mobbin  uv 
Northern  Ablishnists,  who  are  not  yet  all  out  uv 
the  State,  time  passes  pleasantly,  and  leaves  no  vain 
regrets.  I  alluz  go  to  bed  nites,  feeling  that  the  day 
hez  not  bin  wasted. 

From  Detroit  the  Presidential  cavalcade,  or  ez 
the  infamous  Jacobin  Radical  party  irrevelently 
term  it,  the  mcnajery,  proceeded  to  Chicago.  The 
recepshuns  his  Imperial  Highniss  received  through 
Michigan  were  flatterin  in  the  extreme.  I  continue 
my  diary : 


The  Presidential  Tour  Continued.     215 

Ipslanty.  —  At  this  pint  the  President  displayed 
that  originality  and  fertility  uv  imaginashun  karac- 
teristic  uv  him.  The  recepshun  wuz  grand.  The 
masses  called  for  Grant,  and  His  Highness  promptly 
responded.  He  asked  em,  ef  he  was  Judis  Iskariot 
who  wuz  the  Saviour?  Thad  Stevens?  -If  so,  then 
after  swingin  around  the  cirklc,  and  findin  traitors 
at  both  ends  of  the  line,  I  leeve  the  36  States  with 
36  stars  onto  em  in  yoor  hands,  and 

The  train  wuz  off  amid  loud  shouts  uv  "  Grant ! 
Grant !  "  to  wich  the  President  responded  by  wavin 
his  hat. 

Ann  Arbor.  —  At  this  pint  the  train  moved  in 
to  the  inspiring  sounds  uv  a  band  playin  "  Hale  to 
the  Cheef,"  and  vocifrous  cries  uv  "  Grant !  Grant !  " 
His  Majesty  smilinly  appeared  and  thanked  em  for 
the  demonstration.  It  was  soothin,  he  remarked. 
The  air  their  band  wuz  playin,  "  Hail  to  the  Chief," 
wuz  appropit,  ez  he  wuz  Chief  Magistrate  uv  the 
nashen,  to  wich  posishen  he  hed  reached,  hevin  bin 
Alderman  uv  his  native  village,  U.  S.  Senator, 
etsettry.  The  crowd  hollered  "  Grant !  Grant !  "  and 
the  President  thanked  em  for  the  demonstration.  It 
showed  him  that  the  people  wuz  with  him  in  his 
efforts  to  close  his  eyes  on  a  Union  uv  36  States  and 
a  flag  uv  36  stars  onto  it.     Ef  I  am  a  traitor,  sed  he, 


2i6  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

waimin  up,  who  is  the  Judis  Iscariot?  Ez  I'm 
swingin  around  the  cirkle,  I  find  Thad  Stevens  on 
the  one  side  and  JefF  Davis  on  the 

The  conductor  cruelly  startid  the  train,  without 
givin   him  time  to  finish. 

The  crowd  proposed  three  cheers  for  Grant,  and 
the  President  waved  his  hat  to  em,  sayin  that  he 
thanked  em,  showing  as  it  did  that  the  people  wuz 
with  him. 

Battle  Creek.  —  A  large  number  was  assem- 
bled here,  who,  ez  the  train  stopped,  yelled  "  Grant ! 
Grant !  "  Affected  to  tears  by  the  warmth  uv  the 
reception,  the  President  thanked  em  for  this  mark 
of  confidence.  Ef  he  ever  hed  any  doubts  ez  to  the 
people's  being  with  him,  these  doubts  wuz  removed. 
He  wood  leave  in  their  hands  the  flag  and  the  Union 
uv  36  States,  and  the  stars  thereto  appertaining.  Ef 
he  wuz  a  Joodis  Iskariot  who  wuz 

The  crowd  gave  three  hearty  cheers  for  Grant  ez 
the  train  moved  off,  to  wich  the  President  responded 
by  wavin  his  hat. 

Kalamazoo.  —  The  offishels  were  on  hand  at 
this  pint,  and  so  wuz  the  people  —  4  oftishels  and 
several  thousand  people,  which  the  latter  greeted 
us  with  cheers  for  Grant !  Grant !  The  President 
responded,  sayin,  that  in  swingin  around  the  cirkle, 


The  Presidential  Tour  Continued.     217 

he  heel  bin  called  Joodis  Iskariot  for  sacrlficin  uv 
hisself  for  the  people!  Who  wuz  the  Saviour? 
Wuz  Thad  Stevens  ?  No  !  Then  cleerly  into  yoor 
hands  I  leave  the  Constitution  uv  36  stars  with 
36  States  onto  em,  intact  and  undissevered. 

The  ofiishels  received  the  stars  and  States,  and 
amid  cheers  for  Grant,  for  which  the  President 
thanked  em,  the  train  glode  off  magestically. 

And  so  on  to  Chicago,  where  w^e  didn't  get  off 
our  speech,  though  from  the  manner  in  wich  the 
people  hollered  Grant !  Grant !  we  felt  cheered  at 
realizin  how  much  they  wmz  with  us.  His  eminence 
wanted  to  sling  the  36  States  and  the  flag  with  the 
stars  at  em,  but  ez  General  Logan  wuz  there,  ready 
to  fling  em  back,  it  wuz  deemed  highly  prudent  not 
to  do  it. 

Here  my  trials  commenst.  At  the  Biddlc  House, 
in  Detroit,  the  nicr^er  waiters  showed  how  much  a 
xVi'rican  kin  be  spiled  by  bein  free.  They  hed  the 
impudence  to  I'efoose  to  ucalt  on  ?/s<,  and  for  a  half 
hour  the  imperial  stumick  wuz  forced  to  fast.  This 
alarmin  manifestation  uv  negro  malignancy  alarmed 
His  Eggsalency.  ''  Thank  God  !  "  scd  he,  "  that  I 
vetoed  the  Freedmcn's  Buroo  Bill.  I  hev  bin 
Alderman  uv  my  native  town  —  I  hev  swung 
around  the  entire    cirkle,  but  this  I  never  dreemed 


2i8  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

uv.  What  would  they  do  if  they  hed  their  rites?" 
The  insident  made  an  impression  onto  him,  and  at 
Chicago  he  resolved  to  trust  em  no  longer.  He 
ordered  his  meals  to  his  room,  and  sent  for  me. 
"  My  friend,"  sed  he,  "  taste  evrything  onto  this 
table." 

"Why?  my  liege,"  sed  I. 

"  Niggers  is  cooks,"  sed  he,  "  and  this  food  may 
be  pizoned.  They  hate  me,  for  I  ain't  in  the  Moses 
bizness.     Taste,  my  friend.^' 

"But  spozn,"  sed  I,  "that  it  shood  be  pizoned? 
Wat  uv  my  bowels?  My  stomick  is  uv  ez  much 
valyoo  to  me  ez  yourn  is  to  yoo." 

"  Nasby,"  sez  he,  "  taste !  Ef  yoo  die,  who 
mourns?  Ef  I  die,  who'd  swing  around  the  cirkle? 
Who'd  sling  the  flag  and  the  36  stars  at  the  people, 
and  who'd  leave  the  Constooshn  in  their  hands? 
The  country  demands  the  sacrifice  ;  and  besides,  ef 
yoo  don't,  off  goes  yoor  offishl  head." 

That  last  appele  fetched  me.  Ruther  than  risk 
that  offis  I'd  chaw  striknine,  for  uv  what  akkount 
is  a  Dimokrat,  who  hez  wunst  tasted  the  sweets 
uv  place,  and  is  ousted?  And  from  Chicago  on  I 
wuz  forced  to  taste  his  food  and  likker  —  to  act 
ez  a  sort  uv  a  litenin-rod  to  shed  off  the  vensfeance 
uv  the  nigger  waiters.     I  wood  taste  uv  every  dish 


The  Presidential  Tour  Continued.     219 

and  drink  from  each  bottle,  and  ef  I  didn't  swell  up 
and  bust  in  15  minits  His  serene  Highness  wood 
take  hold.  I  suffered  several  deaths.  I  resoom 
my  diary  : 

JoLiET.  —  The  crowd  wuz  immense.  The  peas- 
antry, ez  the  train  approached,  rent  the  air  with 
shouts  uv  "  Grant !  "  "  Grant !  "  His  Potency,  the 
President,  promptly  acknowledged  the  compliment. 
He  was  sacrificin  hisself  for  them  —  who  hed  made 
greater  sacrifices?  He  hed  bin  Alderman  uv  his 
native  town,  and  Vice-President ;  he  wuz  too 
modest  to  make  a  speech  ;  but  ef  he  wuz  Joodas 
Iskariot,  who  wuz  the  Saviour?  He  hed  swung 
around  the  cirkle,  and  hedn't  found  none  so  far. 
He  left  in  their  hands  the 

And  so  on,  until  near  St.  Louis,  when  we  pene- 
trated a  Democratic  country,  uv  wich  I  informed  his 
Majesty.  "  How  knowest  thou?"  sez  he.  "  Easy,'* 
sez  I.  "  I  observe  in  the  crowds  a  large  propor- 
tion uv  red  noses,  and  hats  with  the  tops  off.  I 
notice  the  houses  unpainted,  with  pig  pens  in  front 
ov  em  ;  and  what  is  more,  I  observe  that  crowds 
compliment  yoo  direct,  instead  of  doin  it,  ez  here- 
tofore, over  Grant's  shoulders.  The  Knights  uv  the 
Golden  Cirkle,  wich  I  spect  is  the  identical  cirkle 
yoo'vc  bin  swingin  around  lately,  love  yoo  and 
approach  yoo  confidently." 


220  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

The  President  brisked  up,  and  from  this  to  Indian- 
apolis he  spoke  with  a  flooidity  I  never  observed  in 
him  before.  I  may  say,  to  yoose  a  medikle  term, 
that  he  had  a  hemorrhage  uv  words.  At  the  latter 
city  our  reception  was  the  most  flatrin  uv  eny  we 
have  experienced.  The  people,  when  the  Presi- 
dent appeared  on  the  balcony  uv  the  Bates  House, 
yelled  so  vociferously  for  Grant,  that  the  President, 
when  he  stepped  forward  to  acknowledge  the 
compliment,  coodent  be  heard  at  all.  He  waved 
his  hat ;  and  the  more  he  waved  it  the  more 
complimentary  the  crowd  became.  "  Grant !  " 
"  Grant !  "  they  yelled  ;  and  the  more  the  Presi- 
dent showed  himself  the  more  they  yelled  Grant, 
until,  overpowered  by  the  warmth  uv  the  recepshun, 
and  un^villin  to  expose  his  health,  the  President 
retired  without  slingin  a  speech  at  em,  but  entirely 
satisfied  that  the  people  wuz  with  him. 

The  next  mornin  the  office-holders  uv  the  State, 
without  the  people,  assembled,  and  he  made  his 
regler  speech  to  em,  wich  appeared  to  be  gratify  in 
to  both  him  and  them.  The  President  does  not  like 
to  sleep  with  a  undelivered  speech  on  his  mental 
stumick.     It  gives  him  the  nitemare. 

Plere  I  left  the  party,  for  a  short  time,  that  I  mite 
go  home  and  attend  to  my  official  dooties.     There  is 


The  Presidential  Tour  Continued.     221 

five  Northern  families  near  the  Corners  wich  must 
hev  notice  to  leave,  and  eight  niggers  to  hang.  I 
hed  orders  to  report  to  the  party  somewhere  between 
Looisville  and  Harrisburgh,  wich  I  shall  do,  ez, 
travelin  by  order,  I  get  mileage  and  sich. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster,) 
and  likewise  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 


2  23  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXXII. 

The    End    of  the    Presidential    T'o2ir.  —  Froyn 
Louisville   to     Washington. 

"White  House,  Washixgtox,  D.  C,  ■) 
September,  12,  '66.      5 

IREJINED  the  Presidenshel  party  at  Looisville, 
and  glad  I  am  that  I  did  it  at  that  pint.  His 
Imperial  Serenity  hed  bin  pleased  ever  sence  he  left 
Chicago,  or  rather  sence  he  got  near  St.  Loois,  for 
two-thirds  uv  Illinois  wuz  pizen,  and  Indianapolis 
wuz  pizener.  From  St.  Loois  the  recepshuns  wuz 
trooly  corjel  and  even  enthoosiastic.  We  got  out 
uv  the  region  uv  aristocrats,  and  hed  come  down 
to  the  hard-fisted  yomanry.  I  seed  holes  thro  the 
hats  uv  men ;  I  seed  wat  mite  be  called  the  flag  uv 
Democrisy  wavin  from  behind  em.,  w^hich,  ez  they 
genrally  either  had  no  coats  at  all,  or  if  any,  they 
were  roundabouts,  w^uz  alluz  in  view.  I  saw  wimen 
who  disdained  stockins  and  dipped  snuflf,  and  I  felt 
to  home.     I  wuz  among  Democracy.     The  cheerin 


The  End  of  the  Presidential  Tour.     223 

for  Grant  and  Farragut  closed  ez  wc  got  into  them 
regions,  and  uv  the  vociferous  crowds  half  uv  cm, 
the  younger  ones,  cheered  Andrew  Johnson,  while 
the  old  veterans,  them  whose  noses  wuz  blossomin 
for  the  tomb,  cheered  for  Andrew  Jackson.  His 
Serenity  smilinly  acknowledged  both,  by  makin  a 
speech  to  em,  and  wavin  his  hat. 

With  these  preliminary  remarks  I  resoom  my 
diary :  — 

Louisville.  —  There  wuz  a  magnificent  demon- 
stration here.  His  Imperial  Majesty,  who  wuz  in  a 
eggslent  condition  to  make  crowds  large  enough, 
remarked  to  me  as  we  wuz  ridin  through  the 
streets  :  "  'Splcn  'splay  !  'Mor'n  ten  'unerd  sousand 
people  —  mor'n  ten  million  people  —  mor'n  ten 
'unerd  million  people  —  mor'n  ten  'unerd  sousand 
million  peo^ole  —  and  alluvum  'sporters  my  policy. 
'  Rah  for  me  !  " 

His  Majesty  ondoubtedly  eggsagerated  towards 
the  last ;  but  it  is  safe  to  put  the  throng  down  at  a 
good  man}'.  That  estimate  is  entirely  safe.  There 
wuz  the  finest  display  uv  banners  and  sich  I  hev 
seen  since  we  startid.  The  red  white  and  red  wuz 
displayed  from  almost  half  the  houses,  ladies  waved 
their  handkerchiefs  ez  we  passed,  and  men  cheered. 
Apleasin  incident  occurd  here.    I  noticed  one  gushin 


224  SwixGix  Round  the  Cirkle. 

maiden  uv  thirty-seven  wavin  her  handkercher  ez 
tho  she  was  gettin  so  much  per  wave,  and  had  rent 
to  pay  that  nite.  I  recognized  her  to  wunst.  When 
I  wuz  a  citizen  uv  Ohio,  and  wnz  drafted  into  the 
service  uv  the  United  States,  and  clothed  in  a  bob- 
tailed  blue  coat,  and  hed  a  Oystran  muskit  put  into 
my  unwillin  hands,  and  forced  to  fite  agin  my 
brethren,  our  regiment  passed  thro  Looisville  and 
stayed  there  some  days.  I  wuz  walkin  one  after- 
noon, when  I  met  this  identical  angel.  She  saw 
m}^  bloo  kote,  and  enraged,  s]3it  in  my  face  with 
sich  energy  that  she  threw  out  uv  her  mouth  a  full 
sett  uv  false  teeth.  I  returned  em  gallantly,  wiped 
my  face  with  my  handkercher,  and  vowed  that  hand- 
kercher shood  henceforth  be  kept  sacred.  It  wuz  ; 
and  when  I  seed  her  wavin  hern  at  our  party,  I 
wept  like  a  Philadelpliia  Convenshen.  I  stopped 
the  caniage,  met  the  patriotic  female,  called  her 
attention  to  the  incident,  and  handed  her  my  hand- 
kercher which  hed,  four  years  before,  wiped  her 
spittle.  The  incident  gave  new  vigor  to  her  arms, 
and  from  that  time  she  waved  two  handkerchers, 
and  mine  wuz  one  uv  em.  I  narrated  the  insident 
to  the  President,  and  he  wept. 

There  wuz  a  large  perceshen  and  a  great  variet}'^ 
of  banners.      Among  the   most   noticeable,  wuz  a 


The  End  of  the  Presidential  Tour.    225 

company  uv  solgcrs  uv  the  late  war,  each  with  a 
leg  off",  dressed  in  the  gray  uniforms  into  wich  they 
hed  been  mustered  out,  with  this  motto  :  "  We  arc 
willin  to  go  the  other  leg  for  A.  Jonson."  An- 
other company  uv  solgers,  who  hed  each  lost  an 
arm,  carried  tliis  inscription  :  "  What  we  didn't  get 
by  bullets,  we  shel  get  by  ballots." 

The  President  cut  down  his  speech  jest  one  half 
here.  In  swingin  around  the  cirkle  he  omitted  to 
menshen  that  he  found  traitors  on  the  Southern  side 
uv  it.  But  he  left  the  constooshn  in  their  hands 
cheerfully. 

Cincinnati.  —  A  very  enthoosiastic  recepshen  — 
continyood  and  loud  cheers  for  Grant,  wich  the 
President  acknowledged.  A  unsophisticated  Post- 
master, wdio  jined  us  here,  wanted  to  know  why 
the  people  cheered  for  Grant  instid  uv  the  Presi- 
dent, to  which  His  Highness  answered  that  they 
wuz  considrit  —  they  knew  his  modesty,  and  want- 
ed to  spare  his  blushes.  Another  man,  who  wuz 
also  unsophisticated,  asked  him,  confidenshelly,  ef 
he  didn't  think  there  wuz  a  samenis  in  his  speech- 
es, and  that  ef  he  didn't  think  he'd  do  better  to  give 
a  greater  variety.  His  Eggslency  asked  him  how 
there  cood  be  more  variety.  "  At  Cmcinnati,"  sed 
he,  "I  observed  the  folio  win  order  :  — 
15 


2  26  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

1.  I  swung  around  the  cirkle. 

2.  I  asked  who  wuz  the  Saviour  ef  I  wuz  Joodis 
Iskariot? 

3.  I  left  the  Constitooshn,  the  36  States,  and  the 
flag  with  36  stars  onto  it,  in  their  hands. 

Now,  at  Columbus,  I  shel  vary  it  thusly  : 

1.  The  Constitooshn,  flag,  and  stars. 

2.  The  Joodis  Iskariot  biznis. 

3.  Swingin  around  the  cirkle. 
At  Stoobenville,  agin,  ez  follows: 

1.  Joodis  Iskariot. 

2.  Swingin  around  the  cirkle. 

3.  Constitooshn,  flag,  and  stars. 

And  so  on.  It's  suscei^tible  uv  many  changes.  I 
thot  uv  that  when  I  writ  that  speech,  and  divided  it 
up  into  sections  on  purpose." 

Johnstown,  Pa.  —  A  bridge  fell  down,  onto 
wich  wuz  400  voters,  killin  a  dozen  uv  em.  His 
Eggslency  felt  releeved  when  heerin  uv  the  axident, 
at  bein  asshoored  that  there  wuzn't  wun  uv  his  sup- 
porters on  the  bridge.  He  considered  it  a  spcshl 
Providence.  The  condukter  overheerd  the  remark, 
and  answered,  that  ef  an}^  uv  his  supporters  wuz 
killed  in  that  seckshun  they'd  have  to  import  wim 
for  the  purpose. 

Mifflin,   Pa.  —  A   enthoosiastic    indivijjle  w^ho 


TiiE  End  of  the  Presidential  Tour.    227 

wants  the  Post  Office  at  this  place  very  much,  fell 
on  the  President's  neck,  and  wept,  hailin  him  cz 
the  "  Preserver  uv  the  Union."  The  President 
thanked  him  for  this  spontaneous  triboot,  and  left 
in  his  hands  the  Constitooshun,  the  flag,  and  the 
appintment  he  desired. 

Baltimore.  —  There  wuz  a  spontaneous  recep- 
shun  here,  wich  wuz  gratifying  to  us.  The  per- 
ceshun  wuz  immense,  and  the  mottoes  expressive. 
One  division  wuz  headed  by  the  identikle  indivij- 
ooel  who  fired  the  first  shot  at  the  Massachusetts 
men  in  1S61.  He  is  a  ardent  supporter  uv  Presi- 
dent Johnson's  pohcy.  One  flag  wuz  capchered 
from  a  Injeany  regiment  at  the  first  Bull  Run,  at 
wich  the  President  wept.  '•  Things  is  becomin 
normal,"  sed  he,  "  when  the  people  will  stand  that. 
Wat  love  !  —  wat  unity  !  The  flags  uv  both  sec- 
shuns,  wich  was  lately  borne  by  foes,  now  minglin 
in  the  same  proceshun,  and  all  uv  em  cheerin  me." 

At  last  we  arrived  at  Washinton,  hevin  swung 
entirely  round  the  cirkle,  and  found  traitors  North 
and  South.  The  demonstrashen  to  greet  the  Presi- 
dent on  his  arrival  was  immense.  The  clerks  in 
all  the  departments  wuz  out  (at  least  them  ez 
wuzn't  will  wish  they  hed  bin,  ez  their  names  wuz 
all  taken),  the  solgers  on  duty  wuz  ordered  out,  and 


228  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

altogetlier  it  wuz  the  most  spontaneous  exhibition 
I  ever  witnest.  The  Mayor  made  a  speech.  The 
President  asked  if  he  was  Joodis  Iscariot  who  wuz 
the  Saviour  —  told  him  he  had  swung  around  the 
entire  cirkle,  and  hed  found  traitors  on  all  sides  uv 
it,  though  scnce  he  left  Cleveland,  Chicago,  and 
Indianapolis  he  wuz  satisfied  there  wuz  the  heft  uv 
them  in  the  North ;  but  be  this  ez  it  may,  he  left 
the  Constooshn,  and  the  36  States,  and  the  flag 
with  36  stars  onto  it,  in  his  hands.  He  had  bin 
iVlderman  uv  his  native  village,  and  Congressman, 
and  United  States  Senator,  and  Vice-President,  and 
President,  wich  latter  circumstance  he  considered 
forchinit,  but  wuz,  after  all,  an  Humble  Indivij'le. 
He  didn't  feel  his  oats  much,  and  wood  do  his  dooty 
agin  traitors  North,  ez  vv^ell  as  agin  his  misguided 
friends  South. 

And  so  ended  the  Presidential  excursion. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 

P.  S.  I  forgot  to  menshun  that  at  Chicago  we 
laid  the  corner-stone  uv  a  monument  to  Douglas. 
The  occurence  hed  entirely  slipped  my  memory. 

P.  V.  N. 


At  Home  Again.  229 


XXXIII. 

A^  Ho?iie  again,  —  A  detailed  Accou7it  of  Soiil- 
ha7'7'owi77g  Outrages  inflicted  zcpon  the  People 
of  Confederate  X  Roads  by  a  Party  of  Freed- 
meji^  a7td  how  the  Insult  was  wiped  out. 

Post  Offis,  Confeurit  x  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  /• 

September  16,  1866.      J 

I  FOUND  my  flock  in  a  terrible  state  uv  depres- 
sion, at  \vhich,  when  I  wuz  told  the  cause,  I 
didn't  wonder  at.  There  wuz,  back  of  the  Corners 
on  the  side  hill,  over  towards  Garrettstown,  about 
three  quarters  uv  a  mile  this  side  of  Abbott's  grocery 
(we  estimate  distance  here  from  one  grocery  to 
another),  five  or  six  families  uv  niggers.  The  males 
of  this  settlement  had  all  been  in  the  Federal  army 
cz  soljers,  and  hed  saved  their  pay,  and  bounty,  and 
sich,  and  hed  bought  uv  a  disgustid  Confederate, 
who  proposed  to  find  in  Mexico  that  freedom  which 
was  denied  him  here,  and  who,  bcin  determined  to 
leave  the  country,  didn't  care  who  he  sold  his  plan- 


230  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

tashen  to,  so  ez  he  got  greenbax,  three  hundred 
acres,  wich  they  hed  divided  up,  and  built  cabins 
onto  em,  and  wuz  a  cultivatin  it.  There  wuz  a 
store-keeper  at  the  Corners  who  come  here  from 
lUinoy,  and  who  hed  been  so  greedy  uv  gain  and  so 
graspin  ez  to  buy  their  prodoose  uv  em,  and  sell  em 
sich  supplies  ez  they  needed.  These  accursed  sons 
and  daughters  of  Ham  was  a  livin  there  in  comfort. 
The  thing  was  a  gittin  unendoorable.  They  come 
to  the  Corners  dressed  in  clothes  without  patches, 
and  white  shirts,  and  hats  on  ;  and  the  females  in 
dresses,  and  hoops  under  em  ;  in  short,  these  apes 
hed  assoomed  so  much  uv  the  style  uv  people  that 
ef  it  hadn't  bin  for  their  black  faces,  they  wood  have 
passed  for  folks. 

Our  people  become  indignant,  and  ez  soon  ez  I 
returned,  I  was  requested  to  call  a  meetin  to  con- 
sider the  matter,  which  I  uv  course  did. 

The  horn  wuz  tootid,  and  the  entire  Corners  wuz 
assembled,  eggscepting  the  Illinoy  store-keeper,  who 
didn't  attend  to  us  much.  I  stated  briefly  and  elo- 
kently  (I  hev  improved  in  public  speakin  sense  I 
heered  His  Serene  Highness,  Androo  the  I.,  all  the 
way  from  Washinton  to  Looisville),  and  asked  the 
brethren  to  ease  their  minds. 

Squire  Gavitt  hed  observed  the  progress  uv  them 


At  Home  Again.  231 

niggers  with  the  most  profoundest  alarm.  He  hed 
noticed  em  comin  to  the  Corners,  dressed  better  nor 
his  family  dressed,  and  scUin  the  produx  uv  their 
land  to  tliat  wretch  — 

At  this  point  the  Illinoy  store-keeper  come  in,  and 
the  Squire  proceeded. 

—  he  shood  say  Mr.  Pollock,  and  he  hed  made 
inquiries,  and  found  that  one  family  hed  sold  three 
hundred  and  seventy-five  dollars  worth  uv  truck,  this 
season,  uv  which  they  hed  laid  out  for  clothes  and 
books  two  hundred  dollars,  leavin  em  one  hundred 
and  seventy-five  dollars  in  cash,  which  was  .more 
money  than  he  hed  made  sense  the  accursed  Linkin 
passed  the  emancipashen  proclamation.  And  what 
hed  driv  the  iron  into  his  soul  wuz  the  fact  that 
wun  of  them  niggers  wuz  his  nigger.  "  The  money 
they  hev,*'  pursood  the  Squire,  "is  my  money  ;  that 
man  worth  $1500  is  my  man  ;  his  wife  is  my  woman  ; 
her  children  my  children  —  " 

"That's  a  literal  fact!"  shouted  Joe  Bigler,  a 
drunken,  returned  Confederate  sojer ;  "  they  hev 
yoor  nose  eggsactly,  and  they're  the  meanest  yaller 
brats  in  the  settlement." 

This  unhappy  remark  endid  in  a  slite  unpleasant- 
ness, wich  rcsultid  in  the  Squire's  bein  carried  out, 
minus   one    ear,    and    his    nose    smashed.      Joseph 


232  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

remarked  that  he'd  wantid  to  git  at  him  ever  sense 
he  woodii't  lend  him  a  half  dollar  two  months  ago. 
lie  was  now  satisfied,  and  hoped  this  little  episode 
woodn't  mar  the  harmony  uv  the  meetin. 

Elder  Smathers  observed  that  he  hed  noticed 
with  pain  that  them  niggers  alluz  hed  money,  and 
wuz  alluz  dresst  well,  while  we,  their  sooperiors, 
hed  no  money,  and  nothin  to  boast  uv  in  the  way  uv 
close.     He  wood  say  — 

Pollock,  the  Illinoy  store-keeper,  put  in.  Ef  the 
Elder  wood  work  ez  them  niggers  wuz  workin,  and 
not  loaf  over  half  the  time  at  Bascom's  grocery,  he 
mite  possibly  hev  a  hull  soot  uv  close,  and  now  and 
then  a  dollar  in  money.  It  wuz  here,  ez  it  wuz  in 
all  strikly  Dimekratic  communities,  the  grocery 
keepers  absorb  all  the  floatin  capital,  and  — 

He  wuz  not  allowed  to  proceed.  Bascom  flung 
a  chair  at  him,  and  four  or  five  uv  his  constitooents 
fell  on  him.  He  wuz  carried  out  for  dead.  Bascom 
remarked  that  he  wuz  for  the  utmost  freedom  uv 
speech,  but  in  the  discussion  uv  a  grate  Constooshnel 
question,  no  Illinoy  Ablishnist  shood  put  in  his 
yawp.  The  patriotic  remark  wuz  cheered,  but 
when  Bascom  ask't  the  whole  meetin  out  to  drink, 
the  applause  wuz  uproarious.  Bascom  alluz  gets 
applause  ;  he  knows  how  to  move  an  audience. 


At  Home  Again.  233 

Deekin  Pogram  seel  he'd  bore  with  them  niggers 
till  his  patience  wuz  gin  out.  He  endoored  it  till 
last  Sunday.  After  service  he  felt  pensive,  ruther, 
and  v^^alked  out  towards  Garrettstown,  meditatin,  as 
he  went,  on  the  sermon  he  hed  listened  to  that 
mornin  on  the  necessity  uv  the  spread  of  the  Gospil. 
Mournin  in  sperit  over  the  condition  of  the  heathen, 
he  didn't  notis  where  he  wuz  till  he  found  hisself  in 
the  nigger  settlement,  and  in  front  uv  one  uv  their 
houses.  There  he  saw  a  site  wich  paralyzed  him. 
There  wuz  a  nigger,  wich  wuz  wunst  his  nigger, 
wich  Linkin  deprived  him  uv,  settin  under  his 
porch,  and  a  profanin  the  Holy  Bible  by  teachin  his 
child  to  read  it!  "Kin  this  be  endoored?"  the 
Deekin  asked. 

Deekin  Parkins  sed  he  must  bear  his  unworthy 
testimony  agin  these  disturbers.  They  hed  —  he 
knowd  whereof  he  spoke  —  hired  a  female  woman 
from  Massachusetts  to  teach  their  children !  He 
hed  bin  in  their  skool-room,  and  with  his  own  eyes 
witnest  it. 

Bascom,  the  grocery  keeper,  hed  bin  shocked 
at  their  conduct.  He  wuz  convinct  that  a  nig- 
ger wuz  a  beast.  They  come  to  the  Corners  to 
sell  the  produx  of  their  lands ;  do  they  leave  their 
money  at  his  bar?     Nary!     They  spend  sum  uv  it 


234  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

at  the  store  uv  a  disorganizer  from  Illinoy,  who  is 
here  interferin  with  the  biznis  uv  troo  Southern 
men,  but  he  hod  never  seed  one  uv  em  inside  his 
door.  He  bed  no  pashence  with  em,  and  beHeved 
suthin  shood  be  done  to  rid  the  community  uv  sich 
yooseless  inhabitance.  Ef  they  ever  git  votes  they'r 
agin  us.  No  man  who  dodges  my  bar  ever  votes 
straight  Dimocrisy. 

Ginral  Punt  moved  that  this  meetin  do  to  wunst 
proceed  to  the  settlement,  and  clean  em  out.  They 
wuz  a  reproach  to  Kentucky.  Of  course,  ez  they 
were  heathens  and  savages,  sich  goods  ez  they  hed 
wood  fall  to  the  righteous,  uv  whom  we  wuz  which, 
and  he  insisted  upon  a  fair  divide.  All  he  wanted 
wuz  a  bureau  and  a  set  uv  chairs  he  hed  seen. 

The  motion  wuz  amendid  to  inclood  Pollock,  the 
Illinoy  store-keeper,  and  it  wuz  to  wunst  acted 
upon. 

Pollock  wuz  reconstructed  first.  Filled  with  zeal 
for  the  right,  his  door  wuz  bustid  in,  and  in  a  jiffy 
the  goods  wich  he  wuz  a  contaminatin  our  people 
with  wuz  distributed  among  the  people,  each  takin 
sich  ez  sooted  em.  Wun  man  sejested  that  ez  they 
wuz  made  by  Yankees,  and  brought  south  by  Yan- 
kees, that  there  wuz  contaminashen  in  the  touch  uv 
cm,   and  that  they  be  burned,  but  he  wuz  hooted 


At  Home  Again.  235 

down,  our  people  seein  a  distinction.  The  contam- 
inashen  \vuz  in  payin  for  cm  ;  gittin  em  gratooitusly 
took  the  cuss  off. 

Elated,  the  crowd  started  for  the  settlement.  I 
never  saw  more  zeal  manifested.  A  half  hour 
brought  us  there,  and  then  a  scene  ensood  wich 
filled  me  with  joy  onspeekable.  The  niggers  wuz 
routed  out,  and  their  goods  wuz  bundled  after  em. 
The  Bibles  and  skool  books  wuz  destroyed  first,  coz 
we  bed  no  use  for  them  ;  their  chairs,  tables,  and 
bureaus,  clothin  and  beddin,  wuz  distributed.  A 
wooman  hed  the  impudence  to  beg  for  suthin  she 
fancied,  when  the  righteous  zeal  uv  my  next  door 
neighbor,  Pettus,  biled  over,  and  he  struck  her. 
Her  husband,  forgettin  his  color,  struck  Pettus,  and 
the  outrage  wuz  completed.  A  nigger  hed  raised 
his  hand  agin  a  white  man  I 

The  insulted  Caucashen  blood  riz,  and  in  less 
than  a  minit  the  bodies  uv  six  male  Ethiopians  wuz 
a  danglin  in  the  air,  and  the  bodies  uv  six  Ethiopian 
wimin  waiz  layin  prostrate  on  the  earth.  The  chil- 
dren wuz  spared,  for  they  wuz  still  young,  and  not 
hevin  bin  taught  to  read  so  far  that  they  could  not" 
forgit  it,  ef  kept  carefully  from  books,  they  kin  be 
brought  up  in  their  proper  speer,  ez  sei-vance  to  their 
brethern.     (By  the  way,  the    inspired  writer  must 


236  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

hev  yoosed  this  word  "  brethcrn,"  in  this  connection, 
figeratively.  The  nigger,  bein  a  beast,  cannot  be 
our  brother.)  Some  may  censure  us  for  too  much 
zeal  in  this  matter,  but  what  else  cood  we  hev  dun? 
We  are  high  toned,  and  can't  stand  everything. 
These  niggers  hed  no  rite  to  irritate  us  by  their 
presence.  They  knowd  our  feelins  on  the  subjick, 
and  by  buyin  land  and  remainin  in  the  visinity,  they 
kindled  the  flame  wich  resulted  ez  it  did.  Ez  they 
did  in  Memphis  and  Noo  Orleans,  they  brought 
their  fate  onto  their  own  heads. 

Pollock  recovered,  and  with  the  Yankee  school 
marm  v/ho  wuz  a  teechin  the  niggers,  left  for  the 
North  yesterday.  It  speeks  well  for  the  forbearance 
uv  our  people  that  they  wuz  permitted  to  depart 
at  all. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  late  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 


The  Cleveland  Convention.     237 


XXXIV. 

Is  requested  to  act  as  Chaplain  of  the  Cleveland 
Conv edition. —  That  Beautiful  City  visited  for 
that  Purpose, 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  x  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

September  20,  1866.     3 

IWUZ  sent  for  to  come  to  Washington,  from  my 
comfortable  quarters  at  the  Post  Offis,  to  attend 
the  convenshun  uv  sich  soldiers  and  sailors  uv  the 
United  States  ez  bleeve  in  a  Union  uv  36  States, 
and  who  hev  sworn  allejinse  to  a  flag  with  36  stars 
onto  it,  at  Cleveland.  My  esteemed  and  life-long 
friend  and  co-laborer.  Rev.  Henry  Ward  Beech- 
ER,  wuz  to  hev  bin  the  chaplin  uv  the  convenshun, 
but  he  failed  us,  and  it  wuz  decided  in  a  Cabinet 
meetin  that  I  shood  take  his  place.  I  didn't  see  the 
necessity  uv  hevin  a  chaplin  at  every  little  conven- 
shun uv  our  party,  and  so  stated ;  but  Seward  re- 
marked, with  a  groan,  that  ef  ever  there  wuz  a 
party,    since    parties    wuz    invented,    wich    needed 


238  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

prayin  for,  ours  wuz  that  party.  "  And,  Parson," 
sed  he,  glancin  at  a  list  uv  delegates,  "  ef  yoo  hev 
any  agonizin  petitions,  any  prayers  uv  extra  fer- 
vency, offer  em  up  for  these  fellers.  Ef  there  is 
any  efficacy  in  prayer,  it's  my  honest,  unbiased 
opinion  that  there  never  w^uz  in  the  history  uv  the 
w^orld,  nor  never  will  be  agin,  sich  a  magnificent 
chance  to  make  it  manifest.  Try  yoorself  particu- 
larly on  Custer ;  tho',  after  all,"  continyood  he,  in  a 
musin,  abstracted  sort  uv  a  way,  wich  he's  fallen 
into  lately,  "  the  fellow  is  sich  a  triflin  bein,  that  he 
rcely  kin  hardly  be  held  'sponsible  for  what  he's 
doin  ;  and  the  balance  uv  em,  good  Hevens  !  they'r 
mostly  druv  to  it  by  hunger."  And  the  Secretary 
maundered  on  suthin  about  "sixty  days"  and 
"ninety  days,"  paying  no  more  attention  to  the 
rest  uv  us  than  ez  ef  we  wuzn't  there  at  all. 

So,  receevin  transportashen  and  suffishent  money 
from  the  secret  service  fund  for  expenses,  I  departed 
for  Cleveland,  and  after  a  tejus  trip  thro'  an  Ab- 
lishn  country,  I  arrived  there.  My  thots  were 
gloomy  beyond  expression.  I  hed  recently  gone 
through  this  same  country  ez  chaplin  to  the  Pres- 
idential tour,  and  every  stashen  hed  its  pecooliar 
onpleasant  remembrances.  Here  wuz  where  the 
cheers  for  Grant  were  vociferous,  with  nary  a  snort 


The  Cleveland  Convention.  239 

for  His  Eggslency ;  there  wuz  where  the  peasantry 
laft  in  his  face  when  he  went  thro'  with  the  regler 
ritooal  uv  presentin  the  constitooshn  and  the  flag 
with  36  stars  onto  it  to  a  deestrick  assessor ;  there 
wuz  — -  but  why  recount  my  sufierins  ?  Why  harrow 
up  the  public  bosom,  or  lasserate  the  pubHc  mind? 
Suffice  to  say,  I  endoored  it ;  suflice  to  say  that  I 
hed  strength  left  to  ride  up  Bank  street,  in  Cleve- 
land, the  seen  uv  the  most  awful  insult  the  Eggsec- 
utive  ever  receeved. 

The  evenin  I  arrived,  the  delegates,  sich  ez  wuz 
on  hand,  held  a  informal  meetin  to  arrange  matters 
so  ez  they  wood  work  smooth  when  the  crowd 
finally  got  together.  Genral  Wool  wuz  ez  gay  and 
frisky  ez  though  he  reely  belonged  to  the  last  giner- 
ashn.  There  wuz  Custar,  uv  Michigan,  with  his 
hair  freshly  oiled  and  curled,  and  busslin  about  ez 
though  he  hed  cheated  hisself  into  the  beleef  that 
he  reely  amounted  to  suthin  ;  and  there  wuz  seventy- 
eight  other  men,  who  hed  distinguished  theirselves 
in  the  late  war,  but  who  hed  never  got  their  deserts, 
ceptin  by  brevet,  owin  to  the  fact  that  the  Adminis- 
trashn  wuz  Ablishn,  which  they  wuzn't.  They  were, 
in  a  pekuniary  pint  uv  view,  suthin  the  worse  for 
wear,  tho'  why  that  shood  hev  bin  the  case  I  coodent 
see  (they  hevin  bin,  to  an  alarmin  extent,  quarter- 


240  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

masters  and  commissaries,  and  in  the  recrootin  ser- 
vice), til  I  notist  the  prevailin  color  uv  their  noses, 
and  heerd  one  uv  em  ask  his  neighbor  ef  Cleveland 
wuz  blest  witli  a  faro  bank !  Then  I  knowd  all 
about  it. 

There  wuz  another  pekooliarity  about  it  which 
for  a  time  amoozed  me.  Them  ez  wuz  present 
wuz  divided  into  3  classes  —  those  ez  hed  bin  re- 
cently appinted  to  posishens,  and  them  ez  expected 
to  be  shortly.  I  notist  on  the  countenances  uv  the 
first  class  a  look  uv  releef,  sich  ez  I  hev  seen  in  fac- 
tories Saturday  nite,  after  the  hands  wuz  paid  off 
for  a  hard  week's  work  ;  and  on  the  other  class  the 
most  wolfish,  hungry,  fierce  expression  I  hev  ever 
witnessed.  Likewise,  I  notist  that  the  latter  set 
uv  patriots  talked  more  hefty  uv  the  necessity  uv 
sustainin  the  policy  uv  our  firm  and  noble  President, 
and  damned  the  Ablishunists  with  more  emphasis 
and  fervency  than  the  others. 

One  enthoosiastic  individual,  who  hed  bin  quar- 
termaster two  years,  and  hed  bin  allowed  to  resign 
"jest  after  the  battle,  mother,"  wich,  hevin  his  pa- 
pers all  destroyed,  made  settlin  with  the  government 
a  easy  matter,  wuz  so  feroshus  that  I  felt  called 
upon  to  check  him.  "  Gently,  my  frend,"  sed  I, 
"  gently  !     I  hev  bin  thro'   this   thing ;    I   hev  my 


The  Cleveland  Convention.     241 

commission.  It  broke  out  on  mc  jest  ez  it  hez  on 
yoo  ;  but  yoo  won't  git  yoor  Assessorship  a  minit 
sooner  for  it." 

"  It  ain't  a  Assessorship  I  want,"  sez  he.  "  I  hev 
devoted  myself  to  the  task  uv  bindin  up  the  wounds 
uv  my  beloved  country " 

'^  Did  you  stop  anybody  very  much  from  inflictin 
them  sed  wounds  ?  "  murmured  I. 

"An  ef  I  accept  the  Post  Orfis  in  my  native  vil- 
lage,—  which  I  hev  bin  solissited  so  strongly  to  take 
that  I  hev  finally  yielded,  —  I  do  it  only  that  I  may 
devote  my  few  remainin  energies  wholly  to  the  great 
cause  uv  restorin  the  36  States  to  their  normal  po- 
sishens  under  the  flag  with  36  stars  onto  it,  in  spite 
uv  the  Joodis  Iskariots  wich,  ef  I  am  whom,  wat  is 
the  Saviour,  and  —  and  where  is " 

Perseevin  that  the  unfortunate  man  hed  got  into 
the  middle  uv  a  quotashen  from  the  speech  uv  our 
noble  and  patriotic  President,  and  knowin  his  intel- 
lek  wuzn't  hefty  enough  to  git  it  off  jist  as  it  wuz 
originally  delivered,  I  took  him  by  the  throat,  and 
shet  off  the  flood  uv  his  elokencc. 

"  Be  quiet,  yoo  idiot !  "  remarked  I,  soothingly, 
to  him.  "  Yoo'll  git  your  apintment,  becoz,  for  the 
fust  time  in  the  history  uv  this  or  any  other  Repub- 
16 


242  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

He,  there's  a  market  for  jist  sich  men  ez  yoo  ;  but  all 
this  blather  won't  fetch  it  a  minit  sooner." 

"  Good  Lord  !  "  tho't  I,  ez  I  turned  away,  "  wat  a 
President  A.  J.  is,  to  hev  to  buy  up  sich  cattle  ! 
Wat  a  postmaster  he  must  be,  whose  gineral  cus- 
sedness  turns  my  stummick  !  " 

It  wuz  deemed  necessary  to  see  uv  wat  we  wuz 

compozed  ;  whereupon  Kernel  K ,  who  is  now 

Collector  uv  Revenue  in  Illinoy,  asked  ef  there  wuz 
ary  man  in  the  room  who  hed  bin  a  prizner  doorin 
the  late  fratricidle  struggle.  A  gentleman  uv,  per- 
haps, thirty  aroze,  and  sed  he  wuz.  He  hed  bin 
taken  three  times,  and  wuz,  altogether,  iS  months 
in  doorance  vile  in  three  diffrent  prizns. 

Custar  fell  on  his  neck,  and  asked  him,  aggitatid- 
ly,  ef  he  wuz  shoor  —  quite  shoor,  after  sufferin  all 
that,  that  he  supported  the  policy  of  the  President? 
Are  you  quite  shoor  —  quite  shoor  ? 

"  I  am,"  returned  the  phenomenon.  "  I  stand  by 
Andrew  Johnson  and  his  policy,  and  I  don't  want 
no  office  ! !  " 

"  Hev  yoo  got  wun?"  shouted  they  all  in  korus. 

"  Nary !  "  sed  he.  "  With  me  it  is  a  matter  uv 
principle  !  " 

"  Wat  prizns  wuz  yoo  incarcerated  in?"  asked  I, 
lookin  at  him  with  wonder. 


The  Cleveland  Convention.  243 

"  Fust  at  Camp  Morton,  then  at  Camp  Douglas, 
and  finally  at  Johnson's  Island  !  " 

Custar  dropt  him,  and  the  rest  remarked  that, 
while  they  hed  a  very  helthy  opinion  uv  him,  they 
guessed  he'd  better  not  menshcn  his  presence,  or 
consider  hisself  a  delegate.  Ez  ginerous  foes  they 
loved  him  ruther  better  than  a  brother ;  yet,  as  the 
call  didn't  quite  inclood  him,  tho'  there  wuz  a  de- 
lightful oneness  between  em,  yet,  ef  'twuz  all  the 
same,  he  hed  better  not  announce  hisself.  He  wuz 
from  Kentucky,  I  afterwards  ascertained. 

The  next  mornin,  suthin  over  two  hundred  more 
arriv ;  and  the  delegashens  bein  all  in,  it  wuz  de- 
cided to  go  on  with  the  show.  A  big  tent  hed  bin 
brought  on  from  Boston  to  accommodate  the  ex- 
pected crowd,  and  quite  an  animated  discussion 
arose  ez  to  wich  corner  uv  it  the  Convenshun  wuz 
to  ockepy.  This  settled,  the  biznis  wuz  begun. 
Genral  Wool  wuz  made  temporary  Chairman,  to 
wich  honor  he  responded  in  a  elokent  extempora- 
neous speech,  which  he  read  from  manuscript. 
General  Ewing  made  another  extemporaneous  ad- 
dress, which  he  read  from  manuscript,  and  we 
adjourned  for  dinner. 

The  dinner  hour  was  spent  in  caucussin  privately 
in  one  uv  the  parlors  uv  the  hotel.     The  Chairman 


244  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

asked  who  shood  make  speeches  after  dinner,  wen 
ev^ery  man  uv  em  pulled  from  his  right  side  coat 
pocket  a  roll  uv  manuscript,  and  sed  he  hed  dotted 
down  a  few  ijees  wich  he  hed  conclooded  to  present 
extemporaneously  to  the  Convenshun.  That  Babel 
over,  the  Chairman  sed  he  presoomed  some  one 
shood  be  selected  to  prepare  a  address  ;  whereupon 
every  delegate  rose,  and  pulled  a  roll  uv  manuscript 
from  his  left  side  coat  pocket,  and  sed  he  hed  dotted 
down  a  few  ijees  on  the  sitiiashn,  wich  he  proposed 
to  present,  et  settry.  This  occasioned  another 
shindy ;  wen  the  Chairman  remarked  "  Resolu- 
shens,"  wen  every  delegate  rose,  pulled  a  roll  uv 
manuscript  from  his  right  breast  coat  pocket,  and 
sed  he  hed  jotted  down  a  few  ijees,  wich,  &c. 

I  stood  it  until  some  one  mentioned  me  ez  Chap- 
lin to  the  expedition  West,  when  the  pressure  becum 
unendurable.  They  sposed  I  was  keeper  uv  the 
President's  conscience,  and  I  hed  not  a  minit's 
peece  after  that.  In  vain  I  ashoored  em  that,  there 
bein  no  consciences  about  the  White  House,  no 
one  could  hold  sich  a  offis ;  in  vain  I  ashoored  em 
that  I  hed  no  influence  with  His  Majesty.  Two 
thirds  uv  em  pulled  applicashens  for  places  they 
wanted  from  the  left  breast  coat  pocket,  and  insistid 
on  my  takin  em,  and  seein  that  they  was  appinted. 


The  Cleveland  Convention.     Page  244. 


The  Cleveland  Convention.     245 

I  told  em  that  I  cood  do  niithin  for  em  ;  but  they 
laft  me  to  skorn.     "  You  are  jist  the  style  uv  mau," 
said  they,  "  who  hez  inflooence  with  His  Eggslency, 
and  yoo  must  do  it."     Hemmed  in,  there  wuz  but 
one  way  uv  escape,  and  that  way  I  took.     Seezin  a 
carpet  sack,  wich,  by  the  way,  belonged  to  a  dele- 
gate (I  took  it  to  give  myself  the  look  of  a  traveler), 
I  rushed  to  the  depot,  and  startid  home,  entirely  sat- 
isfied that  ef  Cleveland  may  be  taken  as  a  sample, 
the  less  His  Majesty  depends  on  soljers,  the  better. 
Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  late  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 

P.  S.  I  opened  the  carpet  sack  on  the  train, 
spectin  to  find  a  clean  shirt  in  it,  at  least.  It  con- 
tained, to  my  disgust,  an  address  to  be  read  before 
the  Cleveland  Convention,  a  set  uv  resolutions,  a 
speech,  and  a  petition  uv  the  proprietor  thereof  for  a 
collectorship,  signed  by  eight  hundred  names,  and  a 
copy  uv  the  Indiana  State  Directory  for  1864.  The 
names  wuz  in  one  hand-writin,  and  wuz  arranged 
alphabetically. 


246  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXXV. 

An  Appeal  to  the  People  just  before  the   October 

Elections, 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

October  1,  1866.      ) 

PRESIDENT  JOHNSON,  who  hez  bin  likened 
to  Androo  Jaxon,  and  wich,  since  my  appint- 
ment  I  conseed  him  to  be,  in  many  partikelers,  his 
sooperior,  requested  me  and  Wilham  H.  Seward 
(his  secretary  and  chapHn)  to  draw  up  and  pubhsh 
to  the  Democracy  of  the  various  States  holdin  elec- 
shuns  this  fall  an  address,  or  ruther  an  appeal, 
firmly  beleevin  that  hed  he  extendid  his  tour  to 
Maine,  and  isshood  an  address  to  em,  that  that  state 
wood  not  hev  gone  ez  it  did.  William  refoozed  to 
take  part  in  the  appeal,  sayin  that  it  warnt  uv  no 
use,  and  so  the  dooty  devolved  upon  me. 

Democrats  and  Conservatives  l'v  the  North  : 

Appresheatin    the    gravity  uv   the    isshoo,  I    ad- 
dress  yoG.      The    signs    uv   the   times    is   ominus. 


An  Appeal  to  the  People.  247 

A  Radiklc  Congress,  electid  durin  the  time  when 
the  Southin  States,  wich  comprises  rcely  all  the 
intellek  uv  this  people,  didn't  take  no  part  in  the 
elekshen,  bein  too  bizzy  gettin  out  uv  Sherman's 
way  to  open  polls,  —  a  Congress,  I  repeat,  in  wich 
there  ain't  no  Southern  man,  and  wich  consekently 
kant,  by  any  stretch  uv  the  hooman  imaginashen,  be 
considered  Constitooshnel,  hez  dared  to  thwart  the 
President  uv  the  United  States,  and  set  up  its  will 
agin  hisn  !  I  need  skarcely  recount  its  high-handed 
acts  uv  usurpashen.  It  passed  a  bill  givin  rites  to 
niggers,  wich,  accordin  to  Scripter  (see  Onesimus, 
Ham,  and  Hagar,  the  only  three  texts  in  Scripter 
uv  any  partikeler  account)  and  the  yoosagcs  uv  the 
Democrisy,  ain't  got  no  rites  ;  and  the  President, 
exercisin  the  high  prerogatives  put  into  his  hands 
by  the  Constitooshen,  vetoed  it.  Here  the  matter 
should  hev  endid.  He  hed  expressed,  in  a  manner 
strikly  Constitooshenel,  his  objecshens  to  the  meas- 
ure ;  and  a  proper  regard  for  his  feelins,  and  just 
deference  for  his  opinions,  ought  to  hev  indicated 
the  right  course.  Here  wuz  peace  offered  this  Con- 
gres.  Here  wuz  the  tender  uv  a  olive  branch.  The 
President  didn't  want  a  quarrel  with  Congres  ;  he 
didn't  desire  a  continyooance  uv  the  agitation  wich 
hed  shook  the  country  like  a  Illinois  agcr ;  but  he 


248  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

desired  Peece.  Congres  cood  hev  hed  it  hed  they 
only  withdrawed  their  crood  noshens  uv  what  wus 
rite  and  what  wuz  wrong ;  ratified,  ez  they  shood 
hev  done,  sich  law^s  ez  the  President  saw  fit  to 
make :  in  short,  hed  they  follered  the  correct  rool 
when  we  hev  a  Demokratic  President,  and  put  the 
Government  in  his  hands,  with  an  abidin  trust  in 
his  rectitood  and  wisdom,  we  mite  hev  avoided  this 
struggle,  and  thus  wood  hev  bin  peaceful.  But  this 
reckless  Congris,  bent  upon  consentrating  power  in 
its  hands  instid  uv  dividin  it  between  him  and  Sew- 
ard, passed  the  bill  over  his  head,  regardlis  uv  his 
feelins  !  The  responsibility  for  the  dissension  rests, 
therefore,  with  Congres. 

But  these  questions  are  altogether  too  hefty  for 
the  Demokratic  intellek,  and  I  fling  em  out  for  the 
considerashen  uv  the  few  Post  Masters  w^e  get  from 
the  Union  ranks.  To  the  Dimocrisy  I  address  my- 
self more  partickerlerly. 

Do    YOU    W^ANT     TO     MaRRY     A     NiGGER  ?      This 

ishoo  is  agin  before  yoo.  Are  you  in  favor  uv  elc- 
vatin  the  Afrikin  to  a  posishen  where  he  kin  be  yoor 
ckal,  or  perhaps  yoor  sooperior?  That  ishoo  is 
agin  before  yoo  for  yoor  decision,  only  the  danger 
to  yoo  is  increased.  The  matter  has  become  threat- 
ening ;  for,  disgisc  it  ez  we  may,  thousands  uv  em 


An  Appeal  to  the  People. 


249 


kin  read,  and  they  are  akkumulatin  property,  and 
wearin  good  clothes  to  a  extent  trooly  ahirmin  to 
the  Dimokratic  mind.  We  hev  aUuz  consoled  our- 
selves with  the  soothin  reflection  that  there  wuz  a 
race  lower  down  in  the  scale  uv  humanity  than  us 
uns.  Shall  we  continue  to  enjoy  that  comfort? 
That's  the  question  for  every  Dimokrat  to  consider 
wdien  he  votes  this  fall.  Remove  the  weij^ht  uv 
legal  disability,  and  ten  to  one  ef  they  don't  outstrip 
us  even,  and  then  where  are  we  goin  to  look  for  a 
race  to  look  down  upon?  It's  a  close  thing  atween 
us  now  ;  and  ez  we  uv  this  generation  can't  elevate 
ourselves,  why,  for  our  own  pecce  uv  mind,  we 
must,  —  I  i^peet  it,  —  must  pull  them  down. 

Agin  then  I  repeet.  Do  you  want  to  Marry 
A  Nigger?  Yoor  daughters  wunst  carried  banners 
onto  wich  wuz  inskribed  that  trooly  Dimokratic 
motto,  "  White  husbands  or  none  ! "  and  in  conse- 
quence they've  bin  mostly  livin  in  the  enjoyment  uv 
none.  Are  they  to  go  back  on  that  holy  determi- 
nashen  to  preserve  the  Anglo  Sackson  race  on  this 
continent  in  its  purity?  Do  yoo  want  the  nigger  — 
the  big  buck  nigger  —  the  flat-footed  nigger  —  the 
woolly-headed  nigger  —  the  long-heeled  nigger  — 
the  bow-legged  nigger  —  the  Nigger  —  to  step  up 
aside  uv  yoo,  and  exercise  the  prerogatives  uv  free- 


250  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Ciiikle. 

men  in  this  country?  Do  you  want  the  nigger 
aforesed  to  be  mayors  uv  your  towns,  with  all  the 
hatred  they  hev  towards  us?  Wat  chance,  O  Dim- 
okratic  dweller  in  cities !  think  yoo  yoo'd  hev  if 
hauled  up  afore  a  nigger  maj^or  on  a  charge  uv  dis- 
orderly conduct?  Wat  chance  wood  yoor  children 
hev  in  a  skool  uv  wich  all  the  teechers  wuz  niggers  ? 
Wat  chance  wood  yoo  hev  wen  arrestid  for  small 
misdemeanors,  afore  nigger  judges? 

How,  let  me  ask,  in  the  name  of  High  Heaven, 
wood  yoo  like  to  be  tried  for  hoss  stealin  afore  a 
nigger  jury? 

"  But,"  say  some  uv  yoo,  who,  set  ravin  by  drums, 
and  flags,  and  sich,  went  off  violently  into  the  war, 
and  wuz,  perhaps,  saved  from  starvin  by  niggers, 
"these  niggers  wuz  our  friends  in  the  late  war  — 
they  fought  agin  the  South  !  " 

O,  wat  a  deloosion !  O,  wat  blindnis !  Troo, 
they  did ;  and  that  shows  the  danger  that's  afore 
us  ;  that  lifts  the  fog  from  the  precipise  onto  wich 
we  are  standin,  and  shows  us  our  danger.  Wat 
does  this  fact  prove?  It  proves  the  onreasonable- 
ness  uv  the  Nigger  —  his  discontentednis  with  the 
posishen  to  wich  nacher  assigned  him,  and  his  cus- 
sid  disposition  to  upset  the  normal  condition.  The 
Bible  makes  him  a  servant  unto  his  brethren  (see 


An  Appeal  to  the  People.  251 

Ham,  Hagar,  and  Onesimiis,  three  blessed  texts). 
Science  proves  him  to  be,  not  a  man,  but  a  beast ; 
and  so,  take  him  ez  we  may,  either  ez  our  brother 
or  ez  a  beast,  —  and  Dimocrisy,  with  that  hbei'ahty 
wich  hez  always  distinguished  it,  gives  every  man 
his  choice  wich  theory  to  take,  —  his  condition  is 
servitood.  But  he,  with  a  cussidness,  a  perversity 
wich  I  never  cood  understand,  flies  into  the  face  uv 
the  Divine  decree,  flies  into  the  face  uv  science,  and 
asserts  his  independence !  He  turned  agin  them  ez 
hed  fostered  him  ;  turned  agin,  in  many  instances, 
his  own  parents  (in  these  instances,  for  convenience, 
the  parents  adopted  the  brethren  theory),  and  for 
an  abstract  idea  fought  agin  em.  That  restlessness 
under  bonds  alarmed  the  Dimocratic  mind.  We 
who  owned  em  under  the  Skripter  (see  Onesimus, 
Hagar,  and  Ham),  and  under  the  eternal  laws  uv 
scientific  trooth  wuz  content  with  the  arrangement, 
and  w4iy  shood  they  not  hev  bin?  Things  wuz 
normal.  They  worked,  and  we  eat ;  and  ef  they 
hed  bin  content  with  this  ekitable  division  uv  the 
labor  uv  life,  all  wood  hev  bin  smooth  to-day. 

Their  takin  part  agin  us  at  the  Soutli,  and  in 
favor  uv  the  Federals,  is,  instead  uv  a  coz  uv  fcclin 
good  toward  em,  a  source  uv  oneasiness  ;  instid  uv 
bein  a  reason  for  elevatin  uv  em,  it's  my  principal 


252  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

reason  for  depressin  uv  em.  Sich  onscttled  minds 
shood  be  quieted ;  this  itchin  to  raise  theirselves 
shood  be  crushed  out  uv  em,  that  Science 'and  Holy 
Writ  (see  Onesimus,  Hagar,  and  Ham)  may  be 
vindicated. 

Shel  we  desert  Androo  Johnson,  after  all  the 
trouble  he  hez  bin  to  in  gettin  back  to  us?  Shel 
we  elect  a  Congres  this  fall  so  soaked  in  Ablishin  — 
so  filled  with  objeckshuns  to  our  Southern  brethren, 
ez  to  refooze  to  receive  em  back  into  the  seats  which 
they  vacated?  Consider!  The  Southern  Dimok- 
racy  hevn't,  and  don't,  lay  up  nothin  agin  yoo. 
They  are  willin  to  forgive  and  forget.  They  failed, 
but  they  are  Avillin  to  forgiv  the  cause  uv  the  fail- 
yoor.  They  hevn't  got  the  government  they  want- 
ed, but  they  find  no  fault  with  that,  but  are  willin  to 
take  charge  of  the  wun  they  hev  bin  compelled  to 
live  under.  Kin  they  offer  fairer  ?  The  fate  uv  war 
wuz  agin  em.  Buryin  all  hard  feelins,  they  extend 
to  us  Chrischen  charity,  and  say.  Here  we  are  — 
take  us  —  give  us  our  old  places.  They  hev  bin 
chastened.  Their  household  gods  hev  bin  de- 
stroyed, and  their  temples  torn  down.  Wun  neigh- 
bor uv  mine  lost  two  sons  in  the  Confedrit  army  ;  an- 
other son,  which  he  hed  refoosed  $1500  for  in  1S60, 
he  wuz  compelled  to   shoot,  coz  he  wuz  bound  to 


An  Appeal  to  the  People.  253 

run  away  into  the  Federal  army ;  and  two  octo- 
roons, which  he  hed  a  dozen  times  refoosed  $2500 
for,  each,  in  Noo  Orleans,  he  saw  layin  dead  on 
the  steps  uv  a  skool  house  in  Memphis.  Hez  he 
suffered  nothin  ?  And  yet  he  is  willin  to  take  a  seat 
in  Congress  —  forgettin  all  he  hez  suffered,  and  for- 
givin  the  cause  thereof.  What  wickedness  it  is 
wich  would  further  bruise  sich  a  broken  reed ! 

Therefore,  ez  yoo  love  yourselves  and  hate  the 
nigger,  I  implore  yoo  to  act.  Take  yoor  choice  uv 
the  platforms  uv  the  different  States  —  vote  ez  a 
Johnson  Unionist,  or  ez  a  Democratic  Johnsonian 
—  but  vote. 

Kentucky  holds  out  her  hands  appealingly  !  Ken- 
tucky implores  yoo  to  bild  up  a  bulwark  North  uv 
the  Ohio  River  to  save  what  little  is  left  uv  pure 
Dimocracy  there  !  Kentucky  will  back  yoo  in  yoor 
endeavors.  Will  you  heed  her  cry  ?  Shel  she  ap- 
peel  in  vain?     Forbid  it,  Hevin  ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


254  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXXVI. 

The  October  Elections.  —  The  Effect  the  Result 
produced  in  Ke7itucky . 

CONFEDRIT    X    KOADS       ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 
October  14,  1866.      3 

THERE  Is  inournin  in  Kentucky.  The  results 
of  the  elections  in  Ohio,  Injeany,  Pennsyl- 
vany,  and  Iowa  reached  me  yesterday  through  a 
Looisville  paper,  wich  wuz  dropped  off  the  cars  at 
Secessionville,  wich  is  the  nearest  station  to  us,  and 
wich,  I  hapnin  to  be  there,  I  picked  up. 

Ohio  —  40,000  Ablishin  ! 

Injeany  —  20,000  Ablishin  ! 

Pennsylvany  —  20,000  Ablishin  ! 

Iowa — 30,000  Ablishin  ! 

Ablishin  !  Wat  a  dreery  waste  uv  Ablishin ! 
Not  a  single  oasis  uv  Dimocrisy  anywhere,  —  nary 
Aryrat  on  wich  our  ark  kin  rest  in  safety,  —  but  all 
around  us  the  mad  waves  uv  Ablishnism  rearin  their 
crestid  heads  muchly. 


After  the  Fall  Election.     Page  254. 


The  October  Elections.  255 

I  felt  it  my  dooty  to  make  this  fact  known  to  my 
neighbors ;  for,  sposin  that  His  Serene  Highness' 
trip  wood  secure  us  enuff  deestricts  to  make  the 
next  Congress  safe,  and  consekently  make  us  certin 
uv  admission,  they  hed  been  makin  arrangements 
for  restorin  things  to  their  normal  condishun,  ez 
they  were  before  the  war. 

In  fact,  two  weeks  before,  in  view  of  the  expected 
success  uv  the  Democracy,  a  meetin  hed  bin  held  on 
the  subject.  Some  wuz  for  at  once  seezin  the  nig- 
gers wherever  they  cood  be  found,  and  puttin  em  at 
work ;  but  the  conservatives  overruled  this.  They 
held  that  slavery  hed  bin  abolished,  and  that  it 
ought  not  be  restored  ;  in  fact,  that,  to  act  in  good 
faith,  it  cood  not  be  reestablished.  Deekin  Pogram 
announced  a  plan.  The  town  authorities  shood 
pass  a  ordinance  for  the  proper  government  uv  the 
niggers.  Their  good  and  ourn  demanded  it.  For 
instance,  they  shood  not  be  permitted  to  be  out  after 
7  o'clock,  P.  M.,  in  the  evenin  ;  they  shoodent  leave 
the  plantashen  onto  wich  they  wuz  employed  ;  they 
shood  work  every  day  till  7  ;  and  to  do  away  with 
the  pernicious  work  uv  the  Freedmen's  Bureau,  no 
man  and  wife  wich  hed  bin  married  by  a  chaplin  uv 
the  Bureau,  or  by  any  one  else,  shood  be  employed 
on  the  same  plantashen,  and  also  no  father  or  mother 


256  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

and  child.  Sich  ez  violated  these  ordinances  shood 
be  arrested  by  anybody,  and  fined  ;  and  in  default 
uv  payment  uv  the  fine  and  costs,  shood  be  sold  to 
the  person  who  wood  take  his  or  her  labor  for  the 
shortest  number  uv  years,  and  pay  the  fine  and  costs 
aforesed.  "  Ez  a  conservative,"  sed  the  Deekin,  "  I 
sejest  this  plan." 

"  Do  3'oo  want  to  know  my  definition  uv  the  word 
'  conservative  ? '  "  sed  Joe  Bigler,  a  returned  Confed- 
erate soljer,  who,  I  bleeve,  hez  seen  enough  uv  war. 
"  It's  a  man  who  goes  a  roundabout  way  to  do  a 
devlish  mean  thing.  Deekin,  why  can't  yoo  go  to 
the  devil  by  a  straight  road,  ez  I  do?" 

The  interupshcn  uv  the  demoralized  wretch 
wuzn't  notist ;  and  ez  the  trustees  uv  the  town- 
ship wuz  all  present,  the  ordinance  wuz  passed, 
and  that  night  two  thirds  uv  the  niggers  within 
five  miles  uv  the  Corners  wuz  arrested  and  sold, 
and  within  two  weeks  every  one  hed  bin  cap- 
cherd. 

I  hied  me  to  the  Corners,  and  the  first  man  I  saw 
wuz  Bascom,  the  grocery  keeper,  engaged  in  the 
congenial  biznis  uv  tappin  a  barrel  uv  contentment, 
wich  he  hed  just  receeved.  I  wuz  a  goin  to  tell  him 
the  dread  intelligence,  when  he  caught  site  uv  me. 
"Taste  that.  Parson,"  sed  he,  holdin  out  a  tin  dipper 


The  October  Elections.  257 

full.  I  drank  it  off,  and  one  look  at  him  onmand 
me.  "  Kin  I  o'ercloud  that  smilin  cheek?"  thot  I, 
ez,  in  a  fit  uv  absent-mindednis,  —  wich  I  hev  every 
now  and  then,  —  I  held  out  the  empty  dipper  to  be 
filled  agin,  wich  it  wuz.  "  No  !  for  a  time  he  shel 
be  spared ; "  and  I  borrered  his  mule,  and  rode 
away  pensively. 

I  wuz  goin  fust  to  Deekin  Pogram's,  for  he  wuz 
the  most  interested  uv  eny  in  the  settlement.  After 
the  meetin  mentioned  above,  the  Deekin  hed  caused 
the  arrest  uv  sich  niggers  ez  he  cood  ketch,  and  had 
had  em  fined  in  sums  uv  $275  and  uppards,  wich 
bein  unable,  ez  it  rool,  to  pay  the  fine,  he  hed  kindly 
bid  em  in. 

He  hed  picked  up,  here  and  there,  all  uv  his  old 
servants,  ceptin  those  wich  hed  bin  killed  in  the 
army,  and  the  few  misguided  ones  wich  hed  made 
their  way  North,  and  that  mornin  the  plantashen 
wuz  to  be  reconstructed  upon  the  old  patriarkle  sys- 
tem. Mrs.  Deekin  Pogram  wuz  marshellin  four  uv 
the  likeliest  wenches  I  ever  saw  in  the  kitchen  ;  his 
son  Tom  wuz  chuckin  a  yaller  girl  under  the  chin, 
wich  hed  bin  born  on  the  place  about  eighteen  years 
before,  and  wich,  owin  to  a  unfortunate  resemblance 
to  the  Deekin,  hed  caused  a  onpleasantnis  between 
him  and  his  wife,  wich  endid  in  the  loss  uv  the  most 
17 


258  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

uv  his  hair,  and  the  sellin  uv  the  girl's  mother  to 
Noo  Orleans.  The  two  girls  hed  each  their  waitin- 
maids,  and  wuz  a  puttin  them  through  their  paces. 
There  hed  bin  some  trouble  in  gittin  em  reconstruct- 
ed, it  bein  deemed  nessary  to  take  the  conseet  out 
uv  em,  wich  they  wuz  all  a  doin.  Ez  I  rode  up, 
the  old  lady  hed  jest  knocked  one  uv  em  down  with 
a  fire-shovel,  and  wuz  dancin  a  Highland  fling  onto 
her  prostrate  body.  Almira,  the  oldest  gal,  hed  her 
fingers  in  the  v^^ool  uv  her  gal ;  and  tother  one  wuz 
a  thumpin  hern  to  redose  her  to  her  proper  level ; 
and  the  Deekin  hisself  wuz  a  deelin  with  one  on- 
grateful  wretch,  who  objected  to  bein  put  to  work 
on  them  terms,  not  realizin  that  the  Bureau  was 
gone.  Ez  the  Deekin  hed  a  revolver  he  yielded  the 
pint,  and  submitted  to  be  flogged,  wich  the  Deekin 
wuz  doin  ez  neatly  ez  I  ever  saw,  considerin  he  hed 
bin  out  uv  practis  four  years.  He  had  him  tied  up 
to  a  tree,  and  wuz  a  wollopin  uv  him  gorjus.  While 
he  wuz  a  convinsin  uv  him  with  his  whip  that  there 
wuz  trooth  in  the  Skripter,  and  that  Ham  wuz  reely 
a  servant  unto  his  bretherin,  I  exclaimed,  "  Stop  !  " 
and  immejitly  whispered  the  appallin  news  in  his 
left  ear  (tother  one  hed  bin  chawed  oft'  in  a  misun- 
derstandin  at  Bascom's  the  previous  Sunday  nite, 
after  servis).     Never  shel  I  forgit  the  look  uv  woe 


The  October  Elections.  259 

on  that  eminent  Christian's  face.  The  whip  fell 
from  his  nerveless  hand ;  and  with  tcers  streemin 
down  his  cheeks,  washin  up  little  streaks  uv  dirt  in 
the  most  heart-rendin  manner,  he  gasped  in  a  husky 
voice  to  the  wife  uv  his  buzzum,  "  Cut  him  down, 
Mirandy !  The  North's  gone  Ablishin,  and  the 
d — d  niggers  will  be  free  anyhow  ! "  and  the  old 
patriarch  swooned  away  at  my  feet. 

And  sich  an  expression  of  anguish  ez  distorted 
the  face  uv  the  Deekin's  wife  I  hope  never  to  see 
agin.  Droppin  the  shovel,  she  stood  ez  one  petri- 
fied, with  her  foot  elevated  in  mid  air,  ez  in  the  act 
uv  stompin,  and  uttering  a  shreek  wich  methinks  I 
hear  ringing  in  my  ears  yet,  she  fell  precisely  ez  she 
stood,  with  her  leg  crooked  ez  ef  'twuz  froze  there. 
Tom  released  the  gal  he  wuz  subdooin,  and  mountin 
his  horse  rode  oft^  to  the  Corners  without  saying  a 
word  ;  and  unable  to  witness  the  distress  uv  that 
stricken  family,  I  made  haste  to  mount  my  mule 
and  go  to ;  while  the  niggers,  feelin  that  they  were 
wunst  more  their  own  men  and  women,  scattered  in 
every  direction. 

"  Sich  is  the  froots  uv  Radikelism,"  murmured  I. 
"  Sich  is  the  bitter  cup  fanaticism  hez  put  to  our 
lips ;  "  and  castin  one  lingring  look  at  the  prostrate 
forms  uv  the  Deekin,  his  wife  (with  her  foot  insen- 


26o  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

sibly  raised),   and   their   two   gushin    daughters,  I 
spurred  the  mule,  and  departed. 

Wood  that  every  AbHshnist  in  the  North  hed  seen 
that  site,  and  wuz  possessed  uv  a  sole  to  appreshate 
it !     Then  would  they  vote  differently. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 


The  October  Elections.  261 


XXXVII. 

The  October  Elections.  —  Mr,  Nasbfs  Opinion  on 
the  Cause  of  the  Defeat  of  the  President. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

October  14,  1866.      i 

IWUZ  called  in  haste  to  Washington  to  be  pres- 
ent at  a  Cabinet  meetin  called  to  consider  the 
causes  uv  the  onparalleled  loosenin  uv  the  Nashnel 
Union  Johnson  Dimekratic  party  in  the  various 
States  wich  held  elections  on  the  9th  uv  October 
last.  There  wuz  Seward,  Wells,  McCulloch,  and 
Randall  present ;  but  we  missed  Raymond  and 
Beecher,  they  hevin,  I  understand,  played  off  on- 
to us. 

The  President  wuz  gloomy.  He  hedn't  anticipated 
the  defeat.  He  spected  that,  hevin  showd  hisself 
through  all  the  Northern  States,  ther  ought  to  hcv 
ben  enthoosiasm  enough  evolved  to  hev  carried  em 
without  trouble.  The  fault,  he  remarked,  coodent 
be  with  his  policy.     Ther  wuz  suthin  so  grand,  so 


262  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

sublimely  simple  in  it,  that  it  wuz  incomprehensible 
to  him  why  the  people  hedn't  at  once  adopted  it. 
"  Why,  look  at  it,"  sed  he.  "  I  offer  the  people  uv 
the  North  peace,  on  the  simple  condishn  uv  sayin 
nothin  more  about  the  war,  or  the  mutual  trouble 
which  they  found  theirselves  into,  and  rushin  into 
the  arms  uv  their  Southern  brethren,  and  takin  uv 
em  back  jist  ez  they  went  out.  How,  O  !  how  cood 
they  be  so  blind  ez  to  refoose  these  olive  branches  ?  " 

Randall  replied  that  he  coodent  understand  it ; 
but  he  hed  summoned  a  Postmaster  to  attend,  wich 
he  hed  appinted  on  his  solemn  asshoorance  that  he 
cood  carry  enough  Republicans  over  to  our  new 
party  to  defeat  the  Union  member  in  that  District, 
wich  he  notist  by  the  papers  wuz  elected  by  a  larger 
majority  than  he  hed  ever  reseeved,  and  he  wuz  in 
waitin. 

"  Bring  in  the  wretch ! "  shouted  the  President ; 
and  the  guard  brung  him  in.  A  mizable  lookin 
objick  he  wuz.  Ez  soon  ez  he  saw  the  stern  eye  uv 
the  President  fixed  on  him,  he  sunk  to  his  knees, 
and  lifted  up  his  hands  implorinly,  without  sayin  a 
word. 

"  Speak  !  "  sed  the  President.  "  Why  the  result 
in  yoor  Deestrict?" 

"  My  liegQ,"  replied  the  wretched  man,  "  I  know 


The  October  Elections.  363 

not.  Faithfully  I  labored ;  but  the  people  wood 
come  into  the  house  holdin  their  noses,  and  set  a 
holdin  uv  em  so  long  ez  I  wuz  speekin,  wich  wuzn't 
conducive  to  displays  of  oratory.  The  paj^ers  wood 
publish  my  own  utterances  six  months  before,  wich 
confused  me  somewhat ;  and  the  ablishnists  would 
read  at  me  yoor  speeches,  wich  I  coodent  akkount 
for.  I  seekoored  for  yoo  suthin  like  a  dozen  votes  ; 
but  they  wuz  them  ez  stipulated  for  places  under 
me,  and  I  hed  hard  work  to  git  em  from  the  Union 
party,  and  they  wuz  sich  ez  did  us  more  harm  than 
good.     And  besides " 

"  EnufF!  "  sed  Johnson.     "  Remove  him." 

And  the  poor  fellow  wuz  bundled  out. 

Secretary  Welles  knowd  wat  wuz  the  matter.  It 
come  uv  takin  Grant  and  Farrygut  along  on  the  ex- 
cursion. It  distracted  the  attention  uv  the  people. 
Hed  there  bin  nobody  but  the  President  and  the 
Cabinet  along,  there  woodent  hev  bin  nobody  to 
hurrah  for,  and  the  sublime  trooths,  wich  the  Presi- 
dent kin  only  jerk,  wood  hev  impressed  the  people 
more  than  they  did. 

Seward  wuz  confident  that  the  election  wood  hev 
bin  all  right  cood  it  hev  bin  postponed  ninety  days  ; 
while  McCuUock  attribooted  it  to  the  linaited  knowl- 
edge the  masses  hed  uv  Injeany  bankin. 


264  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

I  wuz  rekested  to  give  my  views,  vi^ich  I  did. 

"  My  lords,"  sed  I,  "  none  uv  you  hev  got  the  ijee. 
We  wuz  beet  because  we  left  the  landmarks  —  that's 
wat  ailed  us,  wuz  the  anshent  landmarks.  Wat  hed 
we  to  go  into  this  canvass  with  ?  Democrisy  ?  Not 
any  ;  for  that  wuz  squelched  at  Philadelphia.  Wat 
then?  Why,  the  offises.  Offises,  in  the  abstract,  is 
good.  That  little  one  which  I  hold  in  Kentucky  I 
coodent  be  indoost  to  part  with  on  no  account ;  but 
yoo  can't  run  a  party  on  em,  because  there  ain't 
enough  uv  em. 

"My  liege,  on  my  return  from  the  Philadelphia 
Convention  I  tarried  a  while  in  Berks  county,  which 
is  in  Pennsylvania,  and  is  distinguished  for  the 
unanimity  with  which  they  vote  Democracy.  My 
liege,  they  learned  down  there  mor'n  six  weeks  ago 
that  the  war  wuz  over,  and  therefore  yoo  coodent 
stir  em  up  on  drafts.  Taxes  they  had  got  used  to, 
and  that  didn't  move  em ;  and  so  the  speaker  wuz 
empty  in  school-houses  by  talkin  uv  the  results  uv  a 
glorious  war,  wich  they  all  opposed,  and  praisin  our 
mutual  friend  Seward,  wich  they  had  alluz  hated  as 
a  Ablislinist,  and  hedn't  heerd  yet  that  he  had  jined 
the  Demokracy.  Wuz  it  any  wonder  that  we  went 
under?  Ther  ain't  but  one  tiling  left  to  us,  and  that 
we    strangely  neglected.     My  liege,   why  wuz    the 


The  Oci'OBER  Elections.  265 

Nigger  not  made  the  central  figger  this  year,  ez 
before?  They  is  the  capital  uv  the  Democrisy,  its 
refuge,  its  tower  of  strength.  I  spoke  in  Berks 
county  myself,  following  one  of  them  new-fangled 
Democrats,  who  hed  set  em  all  asleep  talkin  stuff 
to  em  that  they  didn't  understand.  Mountin  the 
rostrum,  I  ejaculated, — 

'' '  Men  and  Brethren,  do  yoo  want  to 
MARRY  A  Nigger?' 

"  '  No  !  no  ! '  they  answered,  straightenin  up  to- 
wunst. 

"  '  Do  you  want  niggers  for  sons-in-law  ? ' 

'"No!  no!' 

"  *  Do  you  want  laws  to  prevent  you  from  marryin 
niggers  ? ' 

"'Yes!  yes!* 

"  '  Do  you  want  to  be  marched  up  to  the  polls  by 
those  who  tell  you  how  to  vote,  beside  a  nigger  ? ' 

'"No!  no!' 

"  '  Then  vote  the  Demekratic  ticket.'  And  they 
all  replied,  — 

"  'We  will !  we  will ! '  and  they  did.  You  see, 
your  Exslency,  the  Demekratic  mind  isn't  hefty 
enough  to  comprehend  them  fine  arguments  ez  to 
constitootinality,  et  setry  ;  and  when  a  speaker  deals 
in  em,  they  suspect  his  Dimocrisy,  and  fight  shy  uv 


266  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

him.  But  nigger  they  kin  all  understand.  It's 
soothin  to  the  Dimekratic  mind  to  be  continyooally 
told  that  there  is  somebody  lower  down  in  the  skale. 
They  desire  a  inferior  race,  and  therefore  hev  bin 
pullin  the  nigger  down  toward  em  for  years.  Did 
yoo  not  notis  whenever  we  went  it  on  the  nigger  we 
succeeded  in  awakenin  an  enthoosiasm,  wich,  when 
^ve  neglected  him,  or  selected  other  issues,  we  failed 
to  get? 

"  It's  based  upon  philosophical  trootlis.  The 
poorer  and  meaner  a  man  is,  the  more  anxious  he  is 
to  hev  it  understood  that  there's  somebody  still 
poorer  and  meaner  than  him.  Hence,  you  notis, 
that  them  individooals  who  see  a  5  cent  peese  so 
seldom  ez  to  not  know  its  nacher,  and  who  keep  the 
flag  uv  distress  wavin  from  the  seat  uv  their  pants, 
—  who,  ef  niggers  vruz  sellin  at  a  cent  a  peese, 
coodent  raise  enough  to  bu}^  the  toe  nail  uv  one,  — 
is  the  most  ardent  friends  of  Slavery. 

"  That  pitiful  man  wich  jest  left  the  presence  wuz 
not  to  blame  for  the  result  in  his  Deestrick.  He 
tried  to  earn  his  bread  ;  but  wat  cood  he  do  ?  The 
Ablishnists  knowd  he  wuz  bought  with  a  price,  and 
lafTed  at  him.  The  Democrisy,  sich  ez  voted,  we'd 
hev   got   anyhow.     Them    ez    didn't   vote,    nor   do 


The  October  Elections.  267 

nothin,  wuz  the  upper  class,  wich  expected  the 
offises  themselves,  and  wuz  disgusted  accordinly. 

"My  liege,  I  hev  spoke.  Yoo  can't  do  nothin 
with  a  new  party  ;  for  yoo  kin  only  git  the  Dimoc- 
risy  to  jine  it,  and  they  won't  do  it  onless  the  offises 
is  throwd  in.  Yoo  can't  run  the  Dimocrisy  on  only 
one  issue,  and  that's  the  nigger ;  for  it's  all  they  kin 
understand.  So  long  ez  the  nigger  exists,  Dimoc- 
risy endoors ;  when  the  race  becomes  extinct,  the 
party  dies.  The  two  is  indissolubly  bound  together  ; 
one  wuz  created  for  tother,  and  tother  for  one. 
When  Noah  cust  Ham  he  laid  the  foundashens  uv 
Dimocrisy.  Ham  wuz  turned  into  a  nigger  because 
Noah  got  intoxicated.  His  misfortune  originated 
with  wine ;  and  whisky,  wich  is  the  modern  substi- 
toot  therefor,  bein  the  motive  power  uv  Dimocrisy, 
hez  bin  persekutin  him  ever  sence.  I  attriboot  the 
decline  uv  the  Dimocrisy  to  the  bleachin  out  uv  the 
Afrikin,  and  that's  why  I  oppose  amalgamashen. 
Yoo  can't  hate  a  mulatter  only  half  ez  much  ez  yoo 
kin  a  full-blood ;  and  it  will  be  observed  that  the  in- 
tensity uv  Demokricy  has  decreased  precisely  in 
IDroportion  to  the  scarcity  uv  pure  blacks.  Thus 
Demokrisy  is  committin  suicide ;  it  hcz  bin  the 
means  uv  its  own  destruction. 

"  I    don't   know  ez    there's  eny  yoose  uv  talkin. 


268  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

The  Congressmen  elected  this  fall  continyoo  in  of- 
fis,  my  liege,  jist  precisely  ez  long  ez  yoo  do,  to  a 
day,  and  by  that  time  they'll  hev  it  all  fixed.  Noo 
York  may  change  in  our  favor,  but  I  think  not. 
The  break  commenst  in  Maine,  and  it  increased  as 
it  progressed.  We're  gone  in.  The  Ablishnists 
laughs  in  glee,  and  the  nigger  shows  all  his  ivories. 
We  shel  hold  our  places  tvs^o  years,  and  then  farewell 
to  our  greatness. 

"  I  pity  yoo,  my  lord  ;  but  I  can't  help  yoo.  Ez 
for  myself,  I  kin  save  enuff  out  uv  my  Post  Offis  to 
start  a  small  grocery  at  the  expiration  uv  iny  term, 
and  then  farewell  politics.  In  that  pleasant  callin 
I'll  flote  dow^n  the  stream  uv  Time,  until  Death 
closes  the  polls,  and  ends  the  struggle.     I  hev  sed." 

The  Conference  ended  with  this  :  for  they  wuz  all 
too  much  affected  to  say  anything.  Seward  mur- 
mered  suthin  about  it  would  be  all  right  in  sixty 
days  ;  that  there  wuz  no  dcnyin  that  the  people  wuz 
happy ;  but  no  one  paid  any  attention  to  him.  I  , 
went  home,  leavin  em  all  in  tears. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster). 


Andrew  Johnson  President  or  King?     269 


XXXVIII. 

"  lVi7i  you   have  Ajidrew    jfoJinson   President  or 
Khigf"  —  A  Dream^  in  'which  Andrew  yoh7iso7z 
Jigures  as  a  King^  surrounded  by  his  Nobles. 

CoNFEBRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

October  2-i,  1866.      ) 

DREAMS  is  only  vouchsafed  to  persons  uv  a 
imaginative  and  speritooal  nacher,  uv  whom 
I  am  which.  Ther  aint  anything  gross  or  sensual 
about  me  that  I  know  uv.  Troo  I  eat  joork,  but 
that  is  to  offset  the  effex  uv  whisky,  wich,  ef  twasn't 
counteracted,  wood  make  me  entirely  too  etherial 
for  this  grovelin  world.  I  eat  pork,  to  restrain  my 
exuberant  imaginashun,  and  enable  me  to  come 
down  to  the  dry  detail  uv  offish'l  life  —  to  fit  me 
for  the  proper  discharge  uv  my  dooties  ez  a  Post- 
master. Whiskey  lifts  me  above  the  posishun  — 
pork  brings  me  back  agin.  It's  fat  and  greasy,  like 
the  pay  and  perquisites  uv  the  Postmaster  —  it 
comes  from  the  most  nasty,  senseless,  and  unclean 


270  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

uv  animals,  like  our  commishuns  —  in  short,  I 
recommend  all  uv  Johnson's  Postmasters  to  eat 
pork.     It's  ther  nateral  diet. 

Last  nite  I  partook  uv  a  pound  or  so  too  much, 
and  ez  a  consekence,  didn't  sleep  well.  While  I 
wuz  eatin  (moistnin  my  lips  with  Looisville  consla- 
tion  the  while),  I  wuz  a  musin  onto  Seward's  ques- 
tion, whether  they  wood  hev  Johnson  President  or 
King,  and  while  musin  I  fell  in3  the  arms  uv  Mor- 
fus.  My  mind  bust  loose  from  the  body  and  sored. 
Ez  I  sunk  to  slumber,  the  narrow  room,  wich  is  at 
wunst  my  offis  and  dormitory,  widened  and  en- 
larged, the  humble  chairs  become  suddenly  uphol- 
stered in  gorgus  style,  the  taller  dip  become 
multiplied  into  thousands  uv  gorgus  chandileers, 
the  portraits  uv  His  Highness  the  President,  and  the 
other  Democrats  on  the  wall,  became  alive.  I  comr 
prehended  the  situation  to  wunst.  Androo  Johnson 
had  cut  the  Gorjan  knot  with  someboddy's  sword, 
and  hed  carried  out  his  Policy  to  its  nateral  concloo- 
sion.  Pie  was  King,  and  wuz  reignin  under  the  title 
uv  Androo  the  L,  and  I  wuz  (in  my  dreem  uv 
course)  in  his  kingly  halls. 

It  wuz,  methawt,  a  reception  nite.  His  High 
Mightiness  wuz  a  sittin  onto  a  elevated  throne,  cov- 
ered with  red  velvet,  and   studded  with  diamonds, 


Andrew  Johnson  President  or  King?     271 

and  pearls,  and  onyxs,  and  other  precious  stones  — 
onto  his  head  wuz  a  crown,  and  he  wuz  enveloped 
into  a  robe  uv  black  velvet,  his  nose  and  the  balance 
uv  his  face  gleaming  out  like  a  flash  uv  litenin  from 
a  thunder  cloud.  Lyin  prostrate  at  the  foot  uv  the 
throne,  doin  the  offis  uv  a  footstool,  wuz  Charles 
Sumner,  w^unst  Senator,  wich  wuz  typikle  uv  the 
complete  triumph  we  hed  won  over  our  enemies ; 
while  doin  other  menial  offices  about  the  halls,  wuz 
Wade,  Wilson,  Fessenden,  Sherman,  and  others  who 
hed  opposed  the  change  from  a  Republic  to  a  King- 
dom. They  wuz  clothed  in  a  approprit  costoom, 
knee  breeches  and  sich,  and  presented  a  pekoolyerly 
imposin  appearance. 

Carriages  containing  the  nobility  began  to  arrive, 
and  ez  they  entered,  the  Grand  High  Lord  Cham- 
berlin  uv  the  Palis,  the  Markis  von  Randall,  an- 
nounct  em.  "  Dook  de  Davis  !  "  was  ejackelatid,  and 
JefFson  entered.  "  Earl  von  Toombs,"  "  Sir  Joseph 
E.  Johnston,"  "  Markis  de  Bouregard,"  "  Count  de 
Pollard,"  and  so  forth. 

Noticin  that  the  titles  I  hed  heerd  wuz  mostly 
tacked  to  Southern  men,  I  asked  Giddy  Welles,  who 
wuz  standin  by,  why  it  wuz  thus,  and  he  sed  that 
Northners  wuzn't  reely  fit  for  it.  We  wuz,  he  said, 
a  low,  grovlin  race,  and  coodent  adapt  ourselves  to 


272  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

the  habits  uv  nobihty.  The  South  wuz  shiveh'us, 
and  cood  do  it.  They  wuz  given  to  tournaments 
and  sich  —  they  hed  got  accustomed  to  cirkus 
clothes,  and  cood  wear  a  sword  without  its  gettin 
awkw^ardly  between  the  legs.  Northern  men,  sich 
ez  were  faithful,  wuz  allowed  to  barsk  in  the  smiles 
uv  royalty,  but  it  wuz  in  sich  positions  ez  sooted 
their  capacity.  He,  for  instance,  hed  charge  uv  the 
royal  poultry  yard,  a  position  which  he  bleved  he 
filled  to  the  entire  satisfaction  uv  his  beloved  and 
royal  master.  He  hed  now  four  hens  a  settin,  each 
on  four  eggs,  and  he  hoped  in  the  course  uv  two 
years,  ef  there  wuz  no  adverse  circumstances,  to  hev 
fresh  eggs  for  the  royal  table.  It  wuz  a  position  uv 
great  responsibility,  and  one  wich  weighed  upon 
him.  Seward  wuz  privy  counsler,  Doolittle  wuz 
steward  uv  the  household,  and  Thurlow  Weed  wuz 
Keeper  uv  the  King's  revenue,  and  wuz  a  doin  very 
well  indeed. 

By  this  time  the  company  assembled.  His  High- 
ness wuz  in  a  merry  mood,  and  unbendid  hisself. 
Ther  wuz  a  knot  uv  the  nobility  gathered  in  a  cor- 
ner, and  after  a  earnest  interview  uv  a  minnit.  Count 
Von  Cowan  advanced  to  the  foot  uv  the  throne,  and 
on  bendid  knee  demanded  a  boon. 


Andrew  Johnson  President  or  King?     273 

< 

"  What,  my  faithful  servitor,  dost  thou  most  de- 
sire? "  sed  His  Highness. 

"  We  wood,  Your  Majesty,  hev  the  prisoners  uv 
state  brot  into  the  presence,  that  we  may  make 
merry  over  'em." 

"  It  shel  be  done,"  sed  His  Majesty,  and  forthwith 
Baron  von  Steedman,  who  hed  command  uv  the 
King's  Household  Body  Guard,  wuz  sent  for  them. 
In  a  moment  they  w^uz  brot  in.  They  wuz  a  miza- 
ble  lookin  set.  Forney  and  Wendell  Phillips  wuz 
chained  together,  Fred  Douglass  and  Anna  Dickin- 
son, Dick  Yates  and  Gov.  Morton,  Ben  Butler  and 
Carl  Shurz,  Kelly  and  Covode,  while  Chase  wuz 
tied  to  Horis  Greely,  onto  whose  back  wuz  a  placard, 
inscribed,  "  The  last  uv  the  Tribunes  : "  at  wich  Ray- 
mond, who  left  the  Radikels  and  declared  for  the 
empire  at  precisely  the  rite  time,  and  wuz  now  edi- 
tor of  the  Co7irt  yoiwnal^  lafled  immodritly.  Some 
one  exclaimed,  "  Bring  in  Thad  Stevens  !  "  at  wich 
His  Majesty  turned  pale,  and  his  knees  smote 
together.  "  Don't,  don't !  "  sez  he  ;  "  he's  strength 
enuff^  left  to  wag  his  tongue.  Keep  him  away ! 
keep  him  away !  "  and  he  showed  ez  much  fear  ez 
men  do  in  delirum  tremens  when  they  see  snakes. 

Methawt  I  made  inquiries,  and  found  that  things 
wuz  workin  satisfactory.     Gen.  Grant  wuz  in  exile, 


274         .  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

and  Gen.  Sheridan  hed  bin  decapitatid  for  refoosin 
to  acquiesce  in  the  new  arrangement.  The  country 
hed  bin  divided  into  dookdoms  and  earldoms,  and 
sich,  over  w^ich  the  nobility  rooled  with  undispooted 
authority.  The  principal  men  uv  the  North  hed 
been  capcherd  and  subdooed,  and  wuz  a  fillin 
menial  positions  in  the  palaces  uv  the  nobility.  No 
Lord  or  Dook  or  Earl  considered  himself  well 
served  onless  he  hed  a  half  dozen  Northern  Con- 
gressmen in  his  house,  \vhile  the  higher  grade  uv 
nobility  wuzn't  content  with  anythin  less  than  Guv- 
ners.  The  indebtednis  uv  the  South  to  the  North 
hed  bin  adjustid.  A  decree  hed  bin  ishood  to  the 
effect  that  Northern  merchants  w4io  shood  press  a 
claim  agin  a  Southerner  shood  be  beheaded  and  his 
goods  confistikated.  The  question  uv  slavery  hed 
bin  settled  forever,  for  the  Dimekratic  ijee  uv  one 
class  to  serve  and  one  class  to  be  served  wuz  fully 
establisht.  There  wuz  now  three  classes  uv  society, 
the  hereditary  nobility,  the  untitled  officials,  and  the 
people ;  the  latter,  black  and  white,  wuz  all  serfs, 
and  all  attached  to  the  soil.  Biznis  wuz  all  done  by 
foreigners,  the  policy  uv  the  government  bein  to 
make  the  native  born  people  purely  agricultural 
peasantry.     The  nobility,  desirin  to  make  it  easy  for 


Andrew  Johnson  President  or  King?     275 

em,  giv  em  one  sixth  uv  the  produx  uv  the  soil,  re- 
servin  the  balance  for  their  own  uses. 

My  dreem  didn't  continyoo  long  enuff  for  me  to 
ascertain  whether  I  wuz  a  nobleman  or  not,  but  I 
am  uv  the  opinion  that  I  wuz,  for  a  servant,  handin 
me  a  pin  to  stick  into  Gen.  Butler  to  make  him  roar 
for  the  amoozement  of  the  company,  addressed  me 
ez  "  Yoor  Grace,"  from  wich  I  inferred  that  I  wuz 
one  uv  of  the  Lords  spiritooal.  Unfortunitly  at  this 
pint  I  awoke,  and  a  sad  awakenin  it  wuz.  The 
gorjus  halls  hed  vanished,  the  chandeleers  hed  van- 
ished, the  robes  uv  stait  and  jewels  and  sich  wuz 
gone,  and  I  wuz  in  my  offis,  not  "  Yoor  Grace," 
but  merely  a  Postmaster  in  a  Kentucky  village ! 
Well,  that  is  suthin.  Wat  better  is  a  nobleman? 
He  don't  work,  neither  do  I.  He  drinks  wine,  it  is 
troo  ;  but  I  hev  wat  soots  me  better  —  whiskey  fresh 
from  the  still.  Yet  my  dreem  may  be  realized,  and 
ef  it  is,  I  will  endevoor  to  fill  the  position  with 
credit.     Who  knows? 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 


276  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XXXIX. 

A  Cabinet  Meeting,  —  Letters  fro7n  Rev.  Henry 

Ward  Beecher.)  General  Custar^  Henry  y.  Ray^ 

7?iond^  a7id  Hon.  yohn  Morrissey^  each  anxious  to 

Preserve  his  Reputation.  —  A  Sad  Tiine  at  the 

White  House. 

CoNFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

November  7,  1866.      ) 

IWUZ  called  to  Washington  by  our  patron  Saint, 
the  President,  to  comfort  his  wounded  sperit. 
There  ain't  no  disguisin  the  fact,  —  the  sperit  of  An- 
droo  Johnson  is  wounded.  He  hez  endoored  the 
slings  and  arrers  uv  more  outrajus  fortune  than  any 
other  man  who  hez  lived  sence  the  days  uv  Ham- 
lick  ;  more,  indeed,  than  Hamlick  endoored,  twict 
over.  Hamlick's  father  wuz  pizoned,  and  his  moth- 
er married  agin  afore  her  mournin  clothes  wuz  wore 
out — suthin  no  savin,  prudent  woman  would  do; 
but  what  wuz  that  to  wat  A.  Johnson  endoors  every 
day?     Nothin. 


A  Cabinet  Meeting.  z*J*J 

The  cabinet  meetin  to  wich  I  wuz  summoned  wuz 
called  for  the  purpose  uv  sheddin  a  tear  or  two 
over  the  election  returns,  and  to  consider  a  variety 
uv  letters  wich  His  Eggscellcncy  hed  receeved 
within  a  few  days.  I  may  remark  that  the  cab- 
inet hed  a  gloomy  and  mildewed  look. 

The  fust  wuz  from  Rev.  Henry  Ward  Beecher. 
Mr.  Beecher  remarked  that  he  had  the  highest  pos- 
sible respeck  for  the  offis  wunst  held  by  the  good 
Washinton,  the  great  Adams,  and  the  sainted  Lin- 
kin.  He  omitted  remarkin  anythin  about  Peerce 
and  Bookanan,  out  uv  regard  for  the  feelins  uv  the 
present  incumbent,  wich,  ef  he  hed  read  History 
correct,  waiz  a  ardent  supporter  uv  the  Administra- 
shens  uv  both  of  them  men,  wich  he  considered 
stains  upon  the  pages  viv  American  history  wich  he 
cood  wish  mite  be  obliterated.  But  wat  he  desired 
to  say  wuz,  that  he  hed  a  higher  regard  for  the  good 
opinion  uv  mankind  in  general  than  he  hed  for  the 
good  opinion  uv  the  accidental  incumbent  uv  any 
offis  ;  and  ez  he  hed,  in  a  hour  uv  temporary  mental 
aberrashen,  wich  hed  happily  passed,  endorsed  the 
Administrashen,  wich  insanity  hed  worked  evil  unto 
him,  he  rekested,  ez  a  simple  act  uv  justice,  that 
the  President  shood  cause   it  to  be  known  that  he 


278  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

(Beecher)  wuz  not  considered  by  the  Administra- 
shen  ez  a  supporter  thereof. 

"  I  do  this,"  sed  the  writer,  "  becoz  the  impression 
that  I  am  in  the  confidence  uv  yoor  Eggslency,  wich 
is  onfortunately  abroad,  hez  seriously  damaged  my 

REPUTASHEN. 

"  Trooiy  yoors,"  et  settry. 

Tiie  readin  uv  this  letter  wuz  foUered  by  a  minit 
uv  profound  silence,  wich  wuz  broken  by  the  Pres- 
ident. 

"  Let  him  pass,"  sed  the  great  man  who  hez  the 
despensin  uv  the  post  offisis,  "  let  him  pass.  But 
here  is  another,"  sed  he,  bustin  into  teers ;  "  read 
that." 

It  wuz  from  Gen.  Custar,  him  uv  the  yaller  hair, 
wich  hed  some  reputashen  doorin  the  war  ez  a  cav- 
alry commander.  It  wuz  to  the  same  effect.  He 
hed,  when  he  spozd  that  the  policy  uv  the  President, 
wich  he  esteemed  ez  he  must  any  man  who  held  the 
exalted  position  wunst  okkepied  by  the  good  Wash- 
inton,  the  great  Jefferson,  and  the  sainted  Lin- 
kin  

"  The  ongrateful  dog  doesn't  respect  me  ! "  sed 
Androo  ;  "  it's  the  offis  I  fill ; "  and  he  bust  into 
a  fresh  flood. 


A  Cabinet  Meeting.  279 

When  he  spozed  the  President's  policy  wuz 

sich  ez  a  soljer  and  patriot  cood  endorse,  he  en- 
dorsed it.  But  he  diskivered  that  it  led  him,  back 
foremost,  into  company  wich,  doorin  the  late  war, 
he  hed  alluz  visited  face  foremost  and  on  hossback  ; 
and  therefore,  to  save  his  reputashun,  he  must 
beg  that  the  President  wood  give  it  out  that  he 
(Gen.  Custar)  wuz  not,  nor  never  hed  bin,  a  sup- 
porter uv  his  policy,  and  oblige 

Yoors  trooly,  ez  before. 

I  wuz  too  hart-broken  at  this  to  make  any  reply, 
and  Cowan  and  Doolittle  wuz  in  the  same  fix. 
The  Kernelcy  wich  wuz  given  to  Custar  to  keep 
him  in  posishen  hed  bin  promised  to  a  Demokratic 
captin,  who  wuz  led  by  a  company  in  the  first  Bull 
Run  fight,  and  who  threw  up  in  disgust  the  next 
day,  not  likin  the  manner  in  wich  the  war  wuz  bein 
conducted  ;  but  now  the  Kernelcy  wuz  gone,  and 
Custar  too  ;  and  wat  wuz  worse,  there  wuz  no  sich 
thing  to  be  thot  uv  ez  dismissin  him.  The  entire 
company  yoonited  in  minglin  their  teers. 

The  next  letter  wuz  read  by  Seward,  ez  it  wuz 
addressed  to  him.  It  wuz  from  Raymond.  He 
opened  with  the  remark  that  for  the  Presidential 
office  he  hed  the  highest  respeck.     Aside  from  the 


38o  SWINGIN    RotTND   THE    CiRKLE. 

conslderashen  that  it  hed  bin  wunst  okkepied  by  the 
good  Washinton,  the  great  Adams,  and  the  sainted 
Linkin,  the  President  mite  be  considered  the  Father 
of  his  country,  hevin  so  large  a  number  of  helpless 
children  to  provide  for  ;  and  besides,  he  hed  a  in- 
stinctive respeck  for  the  dispenser  of  anything.  It 
wuz  difficult  for  him,  bein  a  open  and  simple-minded 
man,  not  to  adhere  to  the  President ;  but 

"  Good  Heavens  !  "  shreeked  Johnson,  '•'  that  little 
fox  ain't  a  goin  to  speak  uv  his  reputashen !  " 

"  Dooty  requires  the  reedin  uv  the  entire  dockey- 
ment,  painful  to  my  feelins  ez  it  may  be,"  sed  Sew- 
ard.    "  He  concloods  thusly  :  — 

"  '  I  am  forced  to  ask  yoo,  ez  one  enjoyin  confi- 
denshel  relations  with  Him  who  occupies  the  Pres- 
idenshel  chair,  to  hev  it  given  out  that  I  stand  in 
opposition  to  him.  A  doo  regard  for  my  repu- 
tashen impels  me  to  this  course.     I  remain 

"  '  Yoors  Trooly.'  " 

There  wuz  2  or  three  more.  Gen.  Carey  uv 
Ohio,  requested  the  President  to  remove  him  from 
his  Collectorship,  ez  the  holdin  uv  it  wuz  injoorin 
HIS  REPUTASHEN.  A  editor  out  West,  who  wuz 
sedooced  into  takin  a  Post  Offis,  begged,  to  hev  it 
taken  ofi'  his  hands,  that  he  might  save  his  circula- 


A  Cabinet  Meeting.  28  i 

shen  before  it  wuz  everlastinly  too  late.  And  finally 
we  come  to  wun,  the  seal  iiv  wich  wuz  a  coat-uv- 
arms  —  bull  dog  rampant,  bowie-knife  couchant, 
supported  by  trottin  horses,  on  a  field  uv  green  cloth. 
It  wuz  from  Hon.  John  Morrisey,  who  hed  jest 
ben  elected  to  Congress  in  Noo  York. 

Mr.  Morrisey  remarked  that,  ez  one  uv  the  pillars 
uv  the  Democrasy,  he  felt  he  hed  a  rite  to  speek. 
He  wished  it  to  be  understood  that  he  washed  his 
hands  uv  any  connection  with  Johnson  or  his  party. 
He  hed  seed  a  lite.  In  States  where  the  Democrasy, 
uv  wich  he  wuz  a  pi  Her,  hed  tied  themselves  to 
Johnson,  they  hed  gone  down  to  a  prematoor  grave. 
Respeck  for  the  high  offis  restrained  him  from  sayin 
that  the  Democrasy  coodent  carry  sich  a  cussid 
load  ;  but  he  wood  say  that  the  result  uv  the  election 
in  Noo  York,  where  they  dependid  solely  on  muscle 
and  nigger,  wich  is  the  reel  Democratic  capital,  and 
succeeded,  while  where  the  Democrasy  wuz  loaded 
down  with  Johnsonianism,  they  failed,  satisfied  him 
that  the  President  wuz  a  inkubus.  He  sed  this  with 
all  doo  respeck  for  the  offis.  Mr.  Morrisey  further 
remarked  that  he  hed  also  personel  reasons  for 
makin  this  request.  He  commenced  in  a  humble 
position,  and  hed  filled  the  public  eye  long  enuflf  to 
satisfy  his  modist  ambishen.     He  hed  walloped  Sul- 


282  SwiNGiN  Round  thk  Cirkle. 

Hvan  and  Heenan  ;  he  hed  owned  the  fastest  horses, 
and  won  more  money  at  faro  than  any  man  in 
Amerika.  His  ambishen  wiiz  satisfied,  so  fur  ez  he 
wuz  concerned  ;  but  he  hoped  to  leave  behind  him, 
for  his  infant  son  (wich  wuz  only  twelve  years  uv 
age,  and  wich  hed  a  development  uv  intelleck  and 
muscle  remarkable  for  one  so  tender,  havin  already 
walloped  every  boy  in  the  skool  to  wich  he  wuz  a 
goin),  he  desired  to  leave  that  son  a  honorable 
name.  It  hed  bin  given  out  that  he  wuz  a  sup- 
porter uv  the  individooal  who  okkepied  the  Presi- 
denshel  offis,  and  it  wuz  injoorin  him.  He  wished 
that  stigma  removed.  A  regard  for  his  repu- 
TASHEN  forced  him  to  insist  upon  it. 
And  this  epistle  wuz  dooly  signed, 

his 
John  X  Morrissey,  M.  C. 

mark. 

There  wuz  silence  in  the  Cabinet.  This  last 
stroke  intensified  the  gloom  wich  hed  settled  onto 
the  Government ;  and  ez  I  turned  my  tear-be- 
dewed eyes,  I  saw  the  great  drops  coursin  down 
the  cheeks  uv  every  one  present.  Mr.  Seward  re- 
tired without  sayin  anythin  about  ninety  days,  and 
one  by  one  they  all  departed. 

It  wuz  a  solemn  time.     There  wuz  other  letters 


A  Cabient  Meeting.  283 

yet  to  be  read,  but  no  one  bed  the  heart  to  open  em. 
1  made  a  move  in  that  direckshim,  but  Androo  pre- 
vented me.  "  I'm  sick,"  murmured  he,  in  a  husky 
voice,  which  showed  that  his  hart  wuz  peerced. 
"  Help  me  to  bed."  I  saw  the  great  man  bury  his 
intellectool  head  beneath  the  snowy  kivrin  uv  his 
oneasy  couch,  all  but  the  nose,  which  in  him  is  the 
thermometer  uv  the  sole,  and  which  accordinly 
glowed,  not  with  the  yoosooal  brilliant  hue,  but 
with  a  dull,  dead,  and  ghastly  bloo.  Noticin  the 
convulsive  heavins  uv  the  kivers,  which  betrayed 
the  agitashen  uv  the  breast  beneath,  I  whispered  in 
his  ear,  ez  I  handed  him  his  nite  drink  uv  rye  whis- 
ky flavored  with  bourbon,  that  he  hed  one  hold,  ez 
Delaware  hed  sustained  him.  A  flush  uv  satisfac- 
tion passed  over  his  nose,  but  it  subsided  in  an  in- 
stant. "  Troo,"  gasped  he,  "  it's  ourn  now  ;  but 
before  the  next  election  a  couple  uv  them  Massa- 
choosits  ablishnists  will  buy  the  cussid  State,  and 
re-people  it  to  soot  em  ; "  and  he  gave  a  convulsive 
gasp,  and  sank  into  a  troubled  slumber. 
It  wuz  a  tetchin  occasion. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


284  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 


XL. 


A  Ser7no7Z  upon  the  ]S[ove7nber  Elections^  from  the 
Text^  '-'•No  man  putteth  New  Whie  into  Old 
Bottles^^  with  a  Digression  or  Two. 

CoxFEDRiT  X  Roads     ^ 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

November  16,  1866.      J 

'HEN  the  news  uv  the  result  of  the  lUinoy 

election  reached  the  Corners,  there  wuz  a 

feehn  uv  oneasiness  wich  was  trooly  afTectin  ;  but 

when  the  crushin  intelHgence  arove  that  Hoffman 

wuz  beeten  in  Noo  York,  there  wuz  a  prostration 

wich   wuz   only  ekalled  when    the    intelligence    of 

Lee's  surrender  reached  us.     We  expected  defeat  in 

Illinoy,  and  some  uv  the  other  States,  but  we  hed 

hopes   that   Noo  York  wood  go  Dimocratic,   that 

His  Eggslency  mite  hev  some  show  uv  backin  b} 

the  people,  and  consekently  some  excoose  for  con- 

tinyooin  to  enforce  his  policy.     But  that  hope  wuz 

taken  from  us,  and  uv  the  entire  populashen,  I  wuz 

the  only  one  who  hed  suffishent  stamina  to  preserve 


Sermon  on  the  November  Elections.    285 

the  semblance  iiv  cheerfulness,  and  that  wuz  only 
on  akkount  uv  my  hevin  the  Post  Offis.  Elections 
can't  take  that  from  me :  it  is  a  rock  wich  the 
waves  uv  popler  indignashen  can't  wash  away, 
thank  the  Lord !  for  ef  they  cood,  how  many  uv  us 
wood  to-day  be  holdin  our  places?  Still,  I  felt 
overwhelmed,  and  sorrowfully  I  entered  Bascom's. 
There,  with  their  heads  bowed  in  sorrer,  and  tears 
flowin  from  their  venrable  eyes,  sot  Deekin  Pogram, 
Elder  Slathers,  and  a  few  others  uv  the  Saints,  who, 
ez  I  entered,  mekanikally  rose,  and  stood  afore  the 
bar  ;  mekanikally  Bascom,  who  wuz  likewise  bowed 
down  with  greef,  sot  out  the  invigorator ;  mekani- 
kally we  dosed  ourselves,  and  still  in  a  daze,  me- 
kanikally I  moved  out  without  payin,  Bascom  bein 
too  full  uv  sorrer  to  notis  it. 

It  wuz  deemed  proper,  in  view  uv  the  great 
calamity,  that  services  shood  be  held  in  the  church, 
and  at  2  P.  M.,  wich  with  us  mite  be  sed  to  mean 
post  mortem,  we  slowly  and  sadly  filed  in,  the  only 
smilin  countenance  in  site  bein  that  uv  a  nigger  at 
the  door,  who  wuz  to-wunst  beltid  over  the  head  for 
lookin  happy. 

I  gave  out  the  hymn,  — 

"  Broad  is  the  road  wich  leeds  to  death,"  — 


286  SwixGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

and  it  wuz  sung  with  tetchin  pathos.  After  the 
weepin  hed  subsided,  and  I  got  my  feehngs  calmed 
down  so  ez  to  permit  me  to  speek,  I  commenst 
expkiinin  to  em  the  causes  uv  the  result.  It  wuz,  I 
sed,  a  chastenin  sent  onto  us  for  our  sins  ;  a  stripin 
becoz  we  hed  exalted  our  horn  in  our  pride ;  that, 
gloryin  in  the  possession  uv  the  post  offices,  the 
coUectorships,  the  assessorships,  and  sich,  we  hed 
become  vain-glorious  and  puffed  up,  and  careless  in 
performance  uv  dooties.  Ther  wuz  niggers  in  Ken- 
tucky a  goin  about  free,  and  impiously  settin  at 
naught  the  decrees  uv  Providence,  w4ch  condemned 
em  to  be  servants  uv  their  bretliren ;  and  heer  I 
digressed  to  eloocydate  a  pint.  I  hed  seen  stricters 
in  a  Boston  paper  onto  the  common  practice  uv 
amalgamashen  in  the  South,  wich  paper  held  up 
the  practis  to  the  condemnashen  uv  pious  men. 
"My  brethren,"  sed  I,  "them  Boston  Ablishnists 
hev  no  cleer  understandin  uv  the  Skripter.  When 
Ham  wuz  cust  by  Noar,  wat  wuz  that  cuss?  ''//e 
shel  be  a  servant  unto  his  brethren'  Not  unto 
strangers ;  not  unto  the  Philistine,  or  the  Girgeshite, 
or  the  Millerite,  but  unto  his  brethren  !  How  cood 
he  be  servant  unto  his  brethren  except  thro  amalga- 
mashen? Onless  we  amalgamated  w4th  em,  how 
wood  the  male  niggers  be  our  brethren?     O,  my 


Sermon  on  the  November  Elections.    287 

brethren  !  we  wuz  obliged  to  do  these  things,  that 
the  Skripters  mite  be  fullilled ;  and  to  the  credit  uv 
the  Southern  people,  be  it  sed,  that  they  never  shrunk 
from  the  performance  uv  dooty.  The  per  cent,  uv 
yeller  niggers  in  this  State  attests  how  faithful  Ken- 
tucky hez  bin." 

But  to  resoom.  We  hev  sinned  in  permittin 
skools  to  come  in,  and  unfit  um  for  their  normal 
and  skriptural  condishen  ;  but  these  is  not  all.  My 
bretlu-en,  go  to  Esq.  McGavitt's,  and  get  the  town- 
ship Bible,  and  search  till  yoo  find  this  yer  tex :  — 

<'And  no  man  puttith  new  wine  into  old  bottles,  else  the 
new  wine  doth  bust  the  bottles,  and  the  wine  is  spilled." 

My  brethren,  wich  is  the  bottles?  The  Dimoc- 
risey,  uv  course ;  and  the  most  uv  em  may  be  con- 
sidered old  ones.  We  hev  actid  as  bottles,  carrying 
about  flooids  —  not  percisely  wine,  but  the  modern 
substitoot  therefor  —  from  our  earliest  infancy. 
Wich  is  new  wine  ?  The  Ablishnists  wich  follered 
Johnson,  uv  course.  New  wine  is  frothy  ;  so  wuz 
they.  New  wine  fizzes ;  so  did  they.  New  wine 
hez  strength  for  a  minnit ;  so  hed  they.  New  wine 
is  unreliable ;  so  wuz  they.  At  Philadelphy  the 
puttin  uv  this  new  wine  into  old  bottles  wuz  accom- 
plished ;  at  that  accursed  place  anshent  Dimocrisy, 


288  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

wich  beleeves  in  Ham  and  Hagar,  met  and  fell  onto 
the  nex  uv  Seward  and  Doolittle,  vvich  invented 
Ablishinism,  and  we  mingled  our  teers  together ; 
the  new  wine  waiz  put  into  the  venerable  old  botde 
uv  Dimocrisy,  and  notwithstandin  we  hooped  it 
with  Federal  patronage,  it  busted,  and  great  wuz 
the  bust  thereof;  and  the  fragments  uv  the  bottles 
wuz  prone  onto  the  earth,  and  the  new  wine  is 
runnin  round  permiscus.  So  wuz  the  Skripter 
fulfilled. 

And,  my  brethren,  while  yoo  are  at  the  Squire's 
huntin  up  that  tex,  keep  on  till  yoo  find  another,  to 
wit:  — 

*«  No  man  also  seweth  a  piece  uv  old  cloth  onto  a  new  gar- 
ment, else  the  new  piece  that  filleth  it  up  taketh  it  away  from 
the  old,  and  the  rent  is  made  worse." 

My  hearers,  Democrisy  went  to  Philadelphy  in  a 
soot  uv  gray,  wich  it  hed  bin  a  wearin  for  five 
years.  It  wuz  trool}'  old,  and  ther  wuz  greevious 
rents  in  it,  made  mostly  by  bayonets,  and  sich.  0, 
why  wuzn't  we  content  to  wear  it?  Why  wuz  we 
not  satisfied  with  it?  Agin  wuz  the  Skripters  ful- 
filled. We  patched  up  the  Confedrit  gray  with 
Federal  blue  ;  we  put  onto  the  back,  Seward  ;  onto 
the  knees,  Randall ;  onto  the  shoulders.  Cowan ; 
and  onto  the  seat,  Johnson,  and  they  wuz  stitched 


Sermon  on  the  November  Elections.    289 

together  with  Post  Offisis.  But  it  didn't  hold.  The 
Skripters  wuz  fulfilled  ;  the  old  cloth  wuz  rotten, 
and  one  by  one  patches  fell  off,  somewhat  dirtied, 
and  takin  with  em  a  part  uv  the  old,  and  the  rents 
is  bigger  than  before.  Our  coat  is  busted  at  the 
elbows,  our  pants  is  frayed  round  the  bottoms,  out 
at  the  knees,  and  from  behind  the  flag  uv  distress 
waveth  drearily  in  the  cold  wind. 

My  brethren,  we  will  succeed  when  we  stick  to 
our  integrity.  Wat  wuz  the  yoose  uv  our  assoomin 
what  we  did  not  hev?  Wat  wuz  the  sence  uv  our 
askin  our  people  to  vote  for  Kernels  for  Congris 
wich  hed,  doorin  the  war,  drafted  their  sons?  Wat 
wuz  the  yoose  uv  talking  Constooshnel  Amend- 
ments to  men  who  spozed  that  Internal  Improve- 
ments and  a  Nashnel  Bank  wuz  still  the  ishoo? 
Wat  wuz  the  yoose  uv  lettin  go  our  holt  on  nigger 
equality,  wich  is  the  right  bower,  left  bower,  and 
ace  uv  the  Democrisy,  —  its  tower  uv  strength,  its 
anker  and  cheefest  trust,  and  wich  is  easy  uv  com- 
prehension, and  eminently  adapted  to  the  Democratic 
intelleck,  —  and  takin  up  questions  wich  will  all 
be  settled  ten  years  afore  they  begin  to  comprehend 
em?  In  breef,  wat  wuz  the  sense,  my  brethren,  in 
puttin  new  wine  into  old  bottles?  —  uv  patchin  old 
cloth  with  new?  Let  us  be  warned,  and  never 
repeet  the  fatle  error. 
19 


290  SwiNGiN  Round  tpie  Cirkle. 

The  congregashen  dispersed  somewhat  sadly,  but 
ez  they  gathered  at  Bascom's  to  discuss  the  sermon, 
I  wuz  gratified  at  observin  a  visible  improvement  in 
their  temper.  Bascom  hisself  bussled  around  live- 
ly ;  Deekin  Pogram  remarked  that  probably  it  wuz 
unskriptooral  to  put  new  wine  into  old  tubs,  but  ez 
he  didn't  hev  an  ijee  that  the  prohibishen  extendid 
to  new  whisky,  he'd  resk  it,  bust  or  no  bust,  and  he 
pizened  hisself  very  much  in  the  old  style,  and 
Elder  Slather  and  Kernel  McPelter  so  for  recovered 
their  sperits  ez  to  hang  the  nigger  I  menshend  in 
the  beginnin  ez  lookin  pleased  at  the  church.  The 
Corners  is  rapidly  gettin  itself  agin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster). 


A  Few  Last  Words.  291 


XLI. 

A  Pew  Last  Words.  —  The  Writer  hereof  bids 
his  Readers  Parewell^  and  hurls  a  Trijle  of 
Exhortation  after  them. 

CONFEDRIT    X    ROADS       ) 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 
November  19,  1866.      J 

POETS  hev  remarked  a  great  many  times,  too 
tejus  to  enoomerate,  that  •'  farewell "  is  the 
saddistist  word  to  pronounce  wich  hez  to  be  pro- 
nounst.  It  may  be  so  among  poets,  wich  are  spozd 
to  be  a  continyooally  carryin  about  with  em  a  load 
uv  sadnis,  and  sensibilities,  and  sich ;  but  I  hev 
never  found  it  so.  The  fact  is,  it  depends  very 
much  on  how  yoo  say  it,  under  wat  circumstances, 
and  to  whom.  Wen,  in  my  infancy,  I  wuz  inkar- 
seratid  in  the  common  jail  uv  my  native  village,  in 
Noo  Gerse}^,  a  victim  to  the  prejudisis  uv  twelve 
men,  who  believed,  on  the  unsupportid  testimony 
uv  three  men,  and  the  mere  accident  uv  the  missin 
property   bein    found   in    my   possession    (notwitli- 


292  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

standin  the  fact  that  I  solemnly  asshoored  em  that  T 
didn't  know  nothin  about  it,  and  if  I  did  it,  it  must 
hev  bin  in  a  somnamboolic  state),  that  I  hed  bin 
guilty  uv  bustin  open  a  grosery  store,  and  takin 
twelve  boxes  uv  cheroot  cigars,  I  asshoor  yoo  that, 
at  the  end  uv  the  sentence,  —  hevin  bin  fed  on  bread 
and  water,  —  the  sayin  of  farewell  to  the  inhuman 
jailer  wuzn't  at  all  onpleasant.  Likewise,  when,  in 
the  State  uv  Pennsylvany,  in  the  eggscitin  campane 
uv  1856,  I  votid  twict  or  four  times  for  that  eminent 
and  gilelis  patriot,  Jeems  Bookannon,  and  wuz 
hauled  up  therefor,  and  sentenced  by  a  Ablishn 
Judge  to  a  year  in  the  Western  Penitentiary,  aft^ 
an  elokent  speech,  in  wich  I  reviewed  the  whole 
question  at  issue  betw^een  the  parties,  and  ashoored 
him  that  my  triflin  irregularity  in  the  matter  uv 
votin  grew  out  uv  an  overweenin  desire  for  the  sal- 
vashen  uv  my  beloved  country,  —  that,  feelin  that 
rooin  wuz  ahead  uv  us,  onless  that  leveler  Fremont 
wuz  defeated,  I  felt  that  my  conshence  wood  not  be 
easy  onless  I  did  all  in  my  power  to  avert  the  evil, 
—  when  I  emerged  from  them  gloomy  walls,  with 
one  soot  uv  close,  and  a  tolabie  knowledge  uv  the 
shoemakin  biznis,  wuz  it  a  sad  thing  for  me  to  say 
"  Farewell "  to  the  grim  jailer,  whose  key  turned 


A  Few  Last  Words. 


293 


one  way  wuz  libert}',  and  tother  way  captivity? 
Nary. 

These  two  instances,  I  beleeve,  is  the  only  ones  in 
wich  I  hev  ever  hed  to  say  farewell.  In  the  course 
iiv  my  long  and  checkered  career  (I  do  not  here 
allood  to  the  style  uv  clothin  in  the  Penitentiary),  I 
am,  when  I  think  uv  it,  surprised  at  the  compar- 
atively few  times  wich  I  ever  left  a  place  at  wich  I 
hed  bin  stayin,  in  daylite  !  I  ginerally  went  in  the 
nite, — 

"  Foldin  my  tent  like  the  Arab, 
And  ez  silently  steelin  away," 

hevin  too  much  sensibility  to  be  an  onwillin  witnis 
uv  the  agony  uv  landladies,  when  they  diskivered 
that  I  cood  not  pay.  Knowin  the  softnis  uv  my 
heart,  I  hev  alluz  hed  a  great  regard  for  my  feelins. 

Still,  I  feel  some  disinclinashen  to  commence 
sayin  Farewell  at  this  time.  I  wood  like  to  con- 
tinyoo  this  work.  Methinks  I  wood  like  to  go  on 
pilin  up  pages  ontil  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  Yoonited 
States  wuz  thoroughly  indoctrinatid  with  77iy  Di- 
mocrisy.    But  it  is  impossible. 

I  bid  my  readers  farewell  in  a  period  uv  gloom 
rarely  ekalled,  and  never  surpast,  for  the  Democris}-. 
Never  in  my  recollekshun  wuz  the  party  in  sich  a 
state  uv  abject  cussitood.     The  Northern  vStates  hev 


394  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

slipt  from  our  grasp  one  by  one,  ontil  none  remains 
wich  we  kin  fondly  call  ourn.  The  Border  States 
are  losin  their  Dimocrisy,  and  rallyin  under  the 
black  banner  uv  Ablishinism  ;  and  the  ten  States 
which  we  kin  control  onfortinitly  ain't  got  no  voice 
in  the  Guvment.  From  the  mountin  tops  uv  Maine, 
and  the  level  pararies  uv  Illinoy,  the  remnants  uv 
the  Dimocrisy  holler  to  us  uv  the  South,  "  Be  firm  ! 
we'll  stand  by  yoo  !  "  and  from  the  rich  cotton  fields 
uv  the  South  the  Dimocrisy  holler  to  them  uv  the 
North,  "  Keep  up  yoor  sperits !  we  are  troo  to 
yoo  !  '*'  all  uv  wich  is  very  cheerin,  when  them  uv 
the  North  is  in  sich  a  hopelis  minority  ez  to  be 
unable  to  elect  a  township  constable,  and  them  in 
the  South  hain't  got  no  vote  at  all ! 

I  appeal,  however,  with  the  rest  uv  the  leaders, 
to  the  Dimocrisy  to  remain  firm.  Suthin  will  come 
in  time,  —  what,  I  can't,  with  any  degree  uv  certinty, 
now  state  ;  but  suthin  will  come.  The  Ablishnists 
cannot  alluz  rool.  The  cuss  uv  the  old  Whig  party 
wuz,  that  the  respective  individooal  members  there- 
of cocfd  read  and  write,  and  hed  a  knack  uv  doin 
their  own  thinkin,  and  therefore  it  cood  not  be  brot 
into  that  state  uv  dissiplinc  so  nessary  to  success  ez 
a  party.  That  same  cuss  is  a  hangin  onto  the  Ab- 
lishnists.    They  hung  together  from   1S56  to   1S60 


A  Few  Last  Words.  295 

coz  there  wuz  wat  they  called  a  prinsipple  at  stake ; 
and  on  that  prinsipple  they  elected  Linkin.  They 
wood  hev  fallen  to  peeces  then,  but  our  Southern 
brethren  decided  to  commence  operashens  for  the 
new  goverment  it  hed  so  long  desired ;  and  the 
overwhelmin  pressur  uv  the  war  smothered  all  miner 
ishoos  and  all  individooal  feelin,  and  they  hung  to- 
gether long  enough  to  see  that  throo.  Now,  still 
for  the  principle  wich  welded  em  doorin  the  war, 
they  are  holdin  together  yit,  and  probably  will  ontil 
they  think  this  question  wich  they  are  disposin  of  is 
disposed  of.  Then  they  will  split  up,  and  our  openin 
is  made.  We  hev  a  solid  phalanx,  wich  they  can't 
win  over  or  detach  from  us.  We  hev  them  old  vet- 
erans who  voted  for  Jaxon,  and  who  are  still  votin 
for  him.  We  hev  them  sturdy  old  yeomanry  who 
still  swear  that  Bloo  Lite  Fedridism  ought  to  be  put 
down,  and  can't  be  tolerated  in  a  Republikin  Gov- 
erment, and  who,  bless  their  old  souls  !  don't  know 
no  more  what  Bloo  Lite  Fedralism  wuz  than  an 
unborn  baby  does  uv  Guy  Fawkes.  We  hev  that 
solid  army  uv  voters  whose  knees  yawn  hidjusly, 
and  whose  coats  is  out  at  elbows,  and  whose  chil- 
dren go  barefoot  in  winter,  while  their  dads  is  a 
drinkin  cheap  whiskey,  and  damin  the  Govenuent 
for  imposin  a   income  tax.     We  hev  the   patriotic 


296  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

citizins  whose  noses  blossom  like  the  lobster,  and 
who  live  in  mortal  fear  uv  nigger  ekality  ;  and  we 
hev  John  Morrissey's  constitooents. 

These  classes  argyment  won't  move,  and  reasonin 
won't  faze.  They  like  to  abooze  the  Goverment  for 
levyin  taxes,  hopin  to  deseeve  somebody  into  the 
idea  that  they  pay  taxes,  and  that  it  bears  hard  onto 
em  ;  and  they  oppose  nigger  ekality  becoz  it  soothes 
em,  like  laudnum,  to  think  that  there  is  somebody 
in  the  country  lower  down  than  themselves.  The 
Dimocrisy  alliiz  bed  these,  and  alluz  will. 

Ez  I  remarked,  the  Ablishnists,  when  releeved  uv 
the  pressure  now  bearin  onto  em,  will  grow  fractious, 
and  split,  and  these  classes  will  hev  no  trouble  to  git 
into  a  majority,  and  then  our  time  comes. 

The  discouraged  Dimokrat  may  say  that  preech- 
ers,  and  noosepapers,  and  Sundy  skools,  and  sich, 
are  underminin  their  party.  In  time  they  will,  but 
not  yet.  There  is  still  whisky  in  the  land,  and  the 
nigger  is  not  yet  extinct.  Uv  wat  danger  is  preech- 
ers  to  these  men,  when  yoo  coodent  git  one  uv  em 
w^ithin  gun-shot  uv  one?  and  wat  harm  is  noose- 
papers to  em,  when  they  can't  read?  Besides,  we 
are  not  at  the  end  uv  our  resources  yet.  When  the 
wust  comes  to  the  wust,  there  is  the  nigger  left  us. 
When  he  is  no  longer  uv  use  to  us  ez  he  is  now,  — 


A  Few  Last  Words.  297 

when  the  prejoodis  is  so  far  removed  ez  to  invest 
him  with  the  suffrage,  —  then  we'll  give  him  the 
ballot,  —  we'll  lead  him  up  out  uv  Egypt,  and  we'll 
make  him  vote  with  us.  The  Dimocrisy  never  yet 
failed  to  control  all  uv  the  lower  orders  uv  sosiety. 
They  hev  the  lowest  grade  uv  the  furriners ;  they 
hev  Delaware  and  Maryland ;  they  hev  Noo  York 
city  and  Suthern  Illinoy ;  and  ef  the  nigger  gets  the 
ballot  afore  he  does  the  spellin-book,  he's  ourn  be- 
yond peradvencher. 

Again  :  Ef  our  politikel  stumiks  isn't  yet  toned 
up  to  swallerin  the  nigger,  we  kin  compermise  on 
the  Mexican.  That  country  Johnson  hez  his  eagle 
eye  on  now,  and  ef  we  demand  it,  he'll  take  it. 
Wat  a  glorious  prospeck  opens  to  us !  Mexico 
wood  cut  up  into  at  least  twenty  States,  wich,  added 
to  the  ten  we  hev,  wood  make  a  clean  majority  wich 
we  cood  hold  for  years.  Massachoosets  cood  do 
nuthin  in  Mexico.  The  Greasers  ain't  adapted  to 
Massachoosets.  Ef  they  sent  their  long-haired  teach- 
ers there  with  their  spellin  books,  they'd  end  their 
labors  by  lettin  a  knife  into  their  intestines  for  the 
clothes  they  wore,  wich  wood  put  a  check  on  the 
mishnary  biznis.  They  are,  it  is  troo,  several  de- 
grees lower  in  the  skale  uv  humanity  than  the  nig- 
gers, but  then  they  ain't  niggers,  and  we  cood  marry 


298  SwiNGiN  Round  the  Cirkle. 

em  without  feeiin  that  we'd  degraded  ourselves. 
Ther  is  undoubtedly  cusses  on  em,  but  the  only  cuss 
we  hev  Constooshnel  objections  to  is  the  cuss  uv 
Ham,  and  that  they  ain't  labrin  under.  Mexico 
affords  us  room  for  hope  ;  we  never  shel  run  out  uv 
material  for  Dimocratic  votes  until  she  is  convertid, 
and  but  few  mishnaries  wood  hev  the  nerve  to 
tackle  her. 

Therfore  I  say  to  the  Dimocrisy,  be  uv  good 
cheer !  Ther's  a  brite  day  a  dawnin.  We  hev  now 
the  Post  Offisis,  and  nothin  short  uv  an  impeach- 
ment kin  take  em  from  us  for  t^vo  years.  We  may 
be  beaten  in  1868  ;  it  may  be  that  our  managin  men 
promised  the  nominashen  to  our  present  Head  —  A. 
Johnson  ;  but  I  hope  not.  Ef  we  are  laid  out  agin, 
we  kin  console  ourselves  with  the  reflection  that 
we're  yoost  to  it,  and  we  kin  go  on  hopin  for  the 
good  time  that  must  come. 

Let  us  hold  onto  our  faith,  and  contlnyoo  to  run, 
hopin  eventooally  to  be  glorified.  Let  us  remember 
that  all  the  majorities  agin  us  don't  change  the  fact 
that  Noah  cust  Ham,  and  that  Hagar  wuz  sent  back 
to  her  mistress.  Let  us  remember  that  Paul,  or 
some  one  uv  them  possels,  remarked,  "  Sei"V'ance, 
obey  yoor  masters,"  and  that,  under  Ablishn  rool, 
we  are  exposed  to  the  danger  uv  marryin  niggers. 


A  Few  Last  Words.  299 

Let  us  still  cherish  the  faith  that  evenchooally,  when 
reason  returns,  the  Amerikin  people  will  not  throw 
away  the  boon  we  offer  em  uv  fillin  the  cuss  uv 
labor  imposed  by  the  Almity  for  disobedience  in  the 
garden,  ez  the  Dimocrisy  served  in  the  army,  by 
substitoot,  and  persevere  even  unto  the  perfeck  end. 
When  this  good  time  is  come,  then  will  the  anshent 
Dimocrisy,  uv  wich  I  hev  bin  to-wunst  a  piller  and 
a  ornament  for  thirty  years,  triumph,  and  the  posi- 
tion wich  I  now  hold,  wich  is  rather  too  temporary 
to  be  agreeable,  be  continyood  unto  me  for  keeps, 
and  layin  off  the  armor  uv  actooal  warfare,  I  shel 
rest  in  that  haven  uv  worn-out  patriots,  —  a  per- 
petooal  Post  Offis.  May  the  day  be  hastened ! 
Farewell ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster). 


The  End. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  N.C.  AT  CHAPEL  HILL 


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